Sunday, May 22, 2011
If you need a laugh today, then this should do it!
A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible.
This is amazing and brought tears of laughter to my eyes. It has been around a couple of times, but always produces a smile.
I wonder how often we take for granted that children understand what we are
Through the eyes of a child: The Children's Bible in a Nutshell
In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God,
darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I
think He must be a lot older than that.
Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.
Then God made the world.
He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't
embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.
Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from
the Garden of Eden.....Not sure what they were driven in though, because
they didn't have cars.
Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.
Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who
lived to be like a million or something.
One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of
his kids was kind of a Ham.
Noah built a large boat and put his family and
some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said
they would have to take a rain check.
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his
brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some
Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.
Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston.
Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh
after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included
frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.
God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His
Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or
covet your neighbor's stuff.
Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.
One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use
spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the
After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a
slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500
porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to
After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was
Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.
There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to
worry about them.
After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The
New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn
too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born
in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')
During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees
and the Democrats.
Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.
Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some
Germans on the Mount.
But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the
Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.
Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up
to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is
foretold in the book of Revolution.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
This is Ally, my granddaughter.
Ally is now 18, is a cancer survivor, and knows JOY is in every living moment. She is a true motivator for living life on life's terms.
Ally was robbed of years of childhood due to cancer, but never gave up. She worked very hard in finding something to laugh about every day, and on the really tough days, she would search for a smile.
Ally's motto is "Refuse to Live Life Like You're Already Dead", and she lives up to that in all ways.
She is quite independent, and more mature than kids her age due to her personal life experiences.
I wish you guys could hear her play the piano. She doesn't just "play the notes"; she LIVES the music, and lives FOR music.
She doesn't worry if she has a boyfriend or not.........she's much more motivated than that. She knows she has college ahead of her, and is looking forward to that with great gusto. Ally knows there is much more to life than having a boyfriend.
In case you are wondering what has made her happy in THIS photo, it is the root beer float she is holding.
Root Beer Float??? you might be asking.
Yes, a Root Beer Float.
I defy anyone to be grumpy when they are having a root beer float.
You see, sometimes all we do is look at the negative. We gripe about this......we bitch about that.........get into Pity Parties for One......because we "can't" do this, or we "can't" do that.
We focus on the negative, and then cry because we are unhappy.
Well, DUH!!!! Take a good look and see just WHO is making you unhappy! (hint: You will find the person in the mirror).
Even if life is giving you a bit of a rough time, you can handle it with ease IF you allow yourself to raise your eyes from the floor, look around, and see the beauty surrounding you.
You can play lovely music, read inspirational literature, watch really good, uplifting movies.
You can go outside and smell the rain. Now, honestly, how long has it been since you deliberately smelled the rain?? It is the cleanest scent you will ever find.
You can marvel at the beauty of a bush or a tree or a flower, and lift your soul as you watch a bird in flight.
You can make a gratitude list of all the things you HAVE that you mostly ignore. Share the list with a loved one after you complete it. You will find that you will NEVER complete it, because there are zillions of things to list, if you will just look around.
I urge you all to find your laughter, and finding your laughter, you will have found your joy.
It WILL SAVE YOUR LIFE!!!
Just ask Ally!!!!
Friday, May 13, 2011
I am in a bit of a rush today, so this will be short and sweet.
Well, ok. I am seldom SWEET, but perhaps I can be SHORT.
I did 3 of the challenge videos with Roach Coach Nicole today, and found out a few new things.
First, on the resistance band video, I didn't hear until today that on one of them I was supposed to have the band across my back, and then do the push-ups. I corrected myself by doing it the right way. It makes quite a difference.
My kick boxing thing went a bit better than normal. I didn't do things all HER way, but I tried. That thing where we are supposed to kick out to the sides really unbalances me, but I keep trying.
While I was trying today, my cat YeowLing was doing her usual.........lying on her back, watching. She really thinks she is clever doing that kind of a workout.
Let's face it.......if we could all get away with doing that, we would be doing it with her!
Today it wasn't such a good idea for her.
I was trying to do that side kicking out thing, and YeowLing had decided that a good place to lie down and be a lazy slug would be right underneath me.
You know it. I lost my balance, and tipped over right on top of her. She was out the door before her scream was even heard.
She did come back in when it was time for me to cripple myself permanently with the AB video. She showed no sympathy, and pretty much did the whole workout lying on her back, glaring at me.
Now I must sign and rush off. My Elna is all fixed, and I am going to do quilting!
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
I havwe a new goal.
I read on a teammate's blog this morning that she can see her collar bones.
I touched where mine are supposed to be, and sure enough, I can feel them. I wasn't going to go look to see if I could SEE them, but my curiosity won out.
Sure enough, I go to the bathroom and look. Nope. They don't show up.
Therefore, that is going to be my new barometer. To lose enough weight to see my collar bones.
I already know that I have lost inches due to how my clothes are fitting.
But now I want collar bones! Yep. That is my new barometer.
Today I am feeling a bit better, so got on the bike and did a very vigorous 30 minutes. Stretched, then put on the video.
Today was my day for the Lunging crap with Nicole.
I still do not lunge well.
I certainly do NOT look like her!
I kind of flop around, death grip on the desk, and trying to do SOMETHING.
I call it SOMETHING, because it is not what I see on the video.
Some times I am kneeling on my back leg, sometimes I am kneeling with both legs, and sometimes who the hell knows what I am doing.
I sure don't.
I do a few things I am good at, and then the witch says we are supposed to be squatting and then kick our legs out to the side.
This is NOT happening. Not with MY body it ain't!!
I stand and kick out to the side, not even bothering to do the squat and try it. I squat in between the kick-outs.
It goes kinda like this: Squat, gripping the desk. Straighten up, gripping the desk and kick out to the side.
Then I get all mixed up again. As you know, this is easy for me to do.
I'm kicking my leg in front of me, hitting the desk with my toes, and then I'm on the floor, cussing at the video.
I hit my toes straight on, and let me tell you, that doesn't exactly keep one in the exercise mode!!
I decide I will STAY on the floor, and do some leg lifts from there. These, I can do.
I no longer CARE what she is doing on the video........I am in Kick Heaven on the floor.
I switch sides, and do some more, even over the roar of the insulted toes.
Now she is stretching. I can do those.
I stretch my lower body. I stretch my legs. I rock back and forth for a good stretch of my inner thighs. She quits; I stretch my arms.
I'm done for this workout. My toes are still throbbing. My teeth are still grinding.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
BUT! I am going to try to catch up in small segments today.
You guys are so wonderful, flooding me with all your get well wishes and teas and fruit and hugs and...........and...........and.......
I might be slow today, but at least I am not giving up!!!
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