Saturday, July 03, 2010
We all stand on the shoulders of great men and women who laid down their very lives so we could live in this beautiful country. Thank you, all.
Friday, July 02, 2010
Dianne and Christopher became my friends via Spark.
Christopher had cancer, and he received an Ally Cat Quilt by Krackers from me. A very small token to what he gave back in return.
Christopher left this world at 6:45 on July 1, 2010.
Dianne, Christopher's valiant Mom, and I have become quite close, as I too, have buried my son, Christon.
My son died on July 7, 1971.
Both of our children had been seriously ill for years. Dianne and I both learned to question the existence of God, and each of us became constant compainions to Fear.
Fear that our children would never get well. Fear that each test was going to bring negative results. Fear that we were ignoring our other child because of the necessary long days and nights spent at hospital with our son. Fear of financial ruin due to the immensley high medical bills.
Fear of going into grocery stores because we might contact some germ that we would carry to our sick child and the other children on the floor. Fear of people coming up to us and asking how Chris was doing.
Fear of not being able to hold back when people said stupid things like "This will all be okay" and "Pray" and "God must have His reason for making your child sick". The urge to lay into these people, to yell and shout at them "You don't know what the HELL you are talking about!" and "Don't you KNOW that I am questioning the very EXISTENCE of God??"
The Fear of not being able to hold back from physically attacking them, the doctors, the lab people. Fear of not being able to not yell at our child and say "Stop this right NOW! Get out of that damned bed and get on with LIFE!"
Fear of our own impotency and inability to protect our child.
Fear that maybe, somehow, we made our child sick. Maybe it was a sin we had committed, or perhaps this is God's punishment to us for being bad.
Fear, Fears, Fears permeating our entire existence.
All the tears of a lifetime spent, with no more to ever come again.
Fear of the quiet. Fear of not knowing how to put a life back together after having basically no life at all other than illness and hospitals.
Fear of the empty arms. Arms that will always be empty.
Pain at watching other children being healthy, playing and laughing. Anger at parents who yell at their child, or grab them harshly and be mean to them instead of trying to understand what is wrong and taking the time to listen to their child.
Children are precious gifts, and laughter is so very necessary to them and to us.
All mothers who have lost their child know that this pain never leaves us. It lives with us, day in and day out. It becomes part of us.
The only solution is to learn to make peace with the pain. Allowing it to be there, but not giving it the power to take over our entire lives.
We learn to cry softly alone, not wanting to talk to anyone about it for fear they would make some stupid comment or try to cheer us up. Sometimes the best thing for us to do is give ourselves time for grieving, no matter how many years have passed.
Eventually, my Dear Dianne, this wisdom will come to you. Take time to grieve, and take time to heal. As much time as you need.
Do not go on other peopole's schedule, for by now you have learned to write all schedules in water. You have learned to live in the "right here, right now", and you know the true importance of life.
There are many of us "Empty Arms Mothers" who walk softly along side of you. We sadly allow our tears to join yours, and solemnly nod our heads in complete understanding.
We are so very sorry you have had to join our group, for we know the entry fee all too well. Our bond is ever strong, and is unbreakable. Our love comes from the deepest part of us, and our tenderness reaches out for you.
I know I can speak for all of us when I say that we are HERE for you, at any time, in any manner. No matter the cost, the distance or the time.
We know how very important your well being is, and we place that as first priority in our lives.
Some have been able to reconcile with God, others have not. But we have all been able to reconcile with Love..........that deep DEEP love that comes from the entire being.
We know the value of truly SEEING each other, and truly being able to nuture one another.
Yes, we do go through life more quietly, and only share the story of our child with those we know we can totally trust. We hold our pain deep inside, and hold our heads up high., and not allow any tarnishing of our experience with those who have only learned to care on a shallow basis.
Somewhere, somehow, we KNOW that we raised ourselves up to our highest being. We know that we were strong, faithful, dutiful, loyal and loving. We know we did our very best. We know that we gave our smiles and laughter to brighten our child's day, and hid our tears from them becaue we did not want to cause them any angst. We truly were Better than we ever thought we could have been.
We know we LOVED. COMPLETELY, FULLY, LOVED.
Sunday, June 27, 2010
I don't want to brag or make anyone jealous but..............
I can still fit into the earrings I wore in High School!!!
Thursday, June 24, 2010
“If you love wealth more than liberty, the tranquility of servitude better than the animating contest of freedom, depart from us in peace. We ask not your counsel nor your arms. Crouch down and lick the hand that feeds you. May your chains rest lightly upon you and may posterity forget that you were our countrymen.”—Samuel Adams
Thursday, June 24, 2010
I well remember the years where I was "Just FINE".
The years of eating fast foods, denying their effect on my body.
The years of drinking light beer and only white wine, because they weren't fattening.
Not needing to exercise was understandable, because after all, I was so ACTIVE! Ms. Smarmy is saying "Right! Active, huh? The most activity YOU got Sister was with the remote control and trips to the refrigerator!" ( She's SUCH a BITCH!!!)
The times of self satisfaction when I knew I was " hurting no one but myself" through my eating habits, smoking, drinking alcohol, non-exercise and general unmanageable life style.
The years of shopping away all guilts, fears, angers, low self worth and low self esteem.
Those lucious glazed donuts, especially the ones with the chocolate topping.
The double and triple cheeseburgers from Jack in the Box. Chocolate malt to go with it, and upsize the fries, too.
Barrels of extra butter on the popcorn at the movies, along with the giant Dr. Pepper.
Half a pizza with extra cheese at a sitting.
Cookies by the ton, repeated trips to the cake stand, chocolate covered peanuts.
And Fry Bread with lots of melted butter AND honey!
Top Ramen by the package, only add an egg and some peas to make it healthy.
Buttered, cheesed pasta by the serving bowl size.
Check out the buffets BEFORE committing to eat there. Do they have enough fried foods and plenty of desserts?? How about pasta dishes too. And creamed soups. What variety of bread are they serving??
No, I will pass on the salad at the beginning of the meal. I will dig into the cream soup and breads with extra butter, then head for the pastas, fried fish and fried chicken, throw on some spareribs and maybe biscuits and gravy. Don't forget to grab at least three desserts before everyone pigs out on them!
Oh, I will just go back for another boat load of food........I mean! After all it IS an All You Can Eat Buffet, and I want to be SURE I get my money's worth! Oh, and don't forget to keep refilling that huge glass with the soda!
Let the cobwebs stay where they are on the scale until I clean off the scale and hide it from me under the bathroom sink.
We ALL know manufacturers have made their sizes smaller! It isn't ME getting bigger; it is they are making clothing in sizes for those little tiny Asian women in their Asian countries!
You know what I mean. The blouses with the tiniest sleeves that even an inch worm couldn't get into. The bust sizes are smaller, too, but read the bigger numbers.. Not to mention the lies in their labels about the waist size, hip size...........even the SHOE sizes!! They are making EVERYTHING smaller!!!
Yep. All of the above, and more, eaten right down to the bottom, only to belly up for more.
Then here comes Bossy Daughter with her Spark Ideas! And Darcey. And Shirley. And Karen. And Cat. And, and, and ..............
No one on this site hestitates for a moment to set me straight. You have all barged right in on my Denial system, making sure I understand that Denial ain't a River in Egypt.
You all crashed and exploed so much of my lovely little fantasy world that now evern the idea of going to a buffet doesn't sound good.
When I pass fast food places, my mind thinks of GREASE.
My shopping is now done at thrift stores because my sizes change, and besides that, I can't afford to blow money on clothes that will only make me feel good for about a nano second.
Even my DOG grabs his leash and tells me it is time to hit the streets. (Can't do that right now due to injuries, but it will happen again once I am all healed up.)
My scale is in plain sight, even though I still hate it. I am even noticing trails as I drive, making mental notes as to where they are and that some day I will be walking them.
I have learned that one piece of pizza actually fills me up. Sodas are too carbonated for my taste any more. I don't require tubs of extra buttered popcorn at the movies either. In fact, that popcorn is losing its appeal, too.
I make better air popped corn at home. Did you know that you can use Molly McButter in the spray can on popcorn? And there is even a lower sodium salt to use on it? And that the best beverage with popcorn is orange JUICE??
I don't look for "cute" shoes any more. I look for walking long distances shoes. My hiking boots are right next to the front door so I won't have to go upstairs and dig them out every other day. (Again, on temporary hold)
I prefer fresh fruit medley to cakes or cookies. I do not like whipped cream on my iced coffee either. I tried one of those glazed donuts the other day, and couldn't believe how tasteless they really ARE! I am sure they have changed the recipe!
Chocolate is actually beginning to not tast very good. Yogurt and fruit tastes better.
I must admit here that the IDEA of eating chocolate is still with me, despite the fact that I don't get as much enjoyment out of it, and even my Oreo intake as diminished.
In fact, there are four Oreo cookies in the pantry, and have been there for over a month. And when going to Costco, I have deliberately not bought more, because they just don't sound good. I am truly thinking of throwing those four away..........just not completely ready for such drastic action yet, but I know it is coming if I stay with Spark!
Yes, I am stronger, healthier and more interested in life in general since joining up with you reprobates! I am looking forward to being able to do all the jumping, dancing, running, walking, climbing, hopping again once my body is healed up.
In the meantime, I will try to eat my grapefruit and decent portions.
AND IT IS ALL YOUR FAULT!!!
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