10_AGAIN   460
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Almost a year has passed...

Monday, February 20, 2012

and I'm taking a moment to admit failure.

I've gained back every inch I lost between February and May of last year. Life got busy, I bought a house, and I let that sideline all the momentum I had built up.

I had an entire day off today - what did I do? Sit on my butt in front of the TV and computer. I have spent the last few hours checking out recipes and revisiting my goals, measuring myself and trying to get mentally prepared to jump on the bandwagon again.

I'm so sick and tired of clothes not fitting. I'm only 27, I have no kids, and I have a supportive husband. Why do I keep sabotaging myself?

I know I need to create good habits.
I know I need to start slow.
I know I need diet and exercise.
I know I need to drink more water.
I know weight loss won't happen overnight.
I know I need to make a commitment to myself and my health.

...But I know I'm afraid to fail again.

There's a great quote that says something like 'What could you do if you had no fear?' I never pegged myself as a scare-dy cat, but to be honest my weight bothers me SO MUCH and if that isn't motivation enough to change -- what is? Instead of being disgusted why can't I just be motivated? Why can't I turn all this negative energy focused on my current weight to positive energy to lose it?

I know I'm having a momentary low, and tomorrow I will likely wake up ready to take on the day. But before I can be upbeat and positive, before I can start this rollercoaster again, I just need to take a moment and recognize the elephant in the room. My lack of follow through has me stuck. I hate excuses, yet I make them to myself all of the time. Why? Why can't I respect myself enough to be honest?

Ok self... here goes. You're pathetic. You procrastinate and complain and have no one to blame but yourself. Quit whining! Don't like buying a size 18 in jeans? Then put on some workout gear and take a walk. You have no one to blame but yourself. You heard me. Need motivation? How about taking a long look in the mirror. If you don't like what you see - change it.

I long for the day when I look back at this post and thank myself. Thank myself for being honest, grieving another year lost, but wiping the slate clean and just starting.

Off to take a before picture, buy some groceries and do some exercising before calling it a night. Enough is enough. Change starts now.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

10_AGAIN 2/21/2012 11:17PM

    Thanks everyone for the concern! After writing this post, I went to the grocery store, bought healthy food and packed a gym bag for today. Today I ate healthy, drank 8 glasses of water and went to kickboxing after work. I was a bit down yesterday, but I needed to give myself some tough love. :)

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SBN141 2/21/2012 10:55PM

    Hello. I was just wondering if you were having a better day today? We all have ups and downs. I myself, much like you, have no kids and I am still young, so I know what you mean by motivation. I don't know if you are a runner...I am not. However, I did make a purchase of some running clothes yesterday in fact to boost my spirits and try to convince myself to commit to a healthier lifestyle. I hope you are back on the happy train!

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GAZGINA 2/20/2012 8:37PM

    Mental preparation is a great start! You can do this. Remember not to berate yourself too much and try to enjoy the process. All the little changes you make to enhance your life by creating a healthier you will add up. You're worth it!

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Realization 1: Not Beating Myself Up

Thursday, March 10, 2011

I've done Sparkpeople before... I've tried to lose weight before, yet it hasn't worked out the handful of times I tried. And I discovered this about myself - in the past, if I didn't drink 8 glasses of water or missed entering my food, I felt bad about myself. If I missed work outs for two days in a row - even three! - I felt like a failure... not completely, just slightly. But each time a step was missed or a goal was set back these little feelings of failure would add up until somehow, maybe even subconsciously, I gave up. I convinced myself that I was too busy right now or that I would get back on track tomorrow.

Now I realize - I'm trying to change a lot of things in a relatively short amount of time! I'm trying to not only eat well, but cook more AND track everything I eat. I not only am trying to drink more water, I'm trying to drink 8 glasses whereas before I was lucky if I had 2! I'm trying to workout 6 days a week, when before I was not working out at all! AND I'm trying to finish reading the Spark when I never read a book regularly in my spare time. Though I'm happy to follow the Sparkpeople regimen, I'm realizing that I'm trying to change SO MUCH in my day to day --- if I do even half or a quarter of my goals everday, that's really something!

This time around I'm committed to being healthy and I've finally gotten a grasp on what I'm doing is a complete lifestyle change that won't happen overnight.

This morning I felt bad about myself for missing my strength training last night, but here I am at 7 AM dressed to do cardio before I get ready for work -- I don't know why I have a hard time celebrating and realizing the good I'm doing and focusing on the bad. But not this time - no no... I'm questioning my negativity every step of the way and am asking myself... Hey self, go easy on me. I'm trying to do a lot for you right now and if I miss something every once in a while - who cares? In the long run, you'll thank me for it.

Here's to not beating myself up!

Thanks for reading :)

Take care,
C

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GWENAEL 3/14/2011 8:41PM

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BEKAHSAYS 3/10/2011 9:10AM

    there is ALOT of information out there and what you should and shouldn't do. just focus on one change at a time! and the rest will fall into place! it's taken me over a year to get where i am not only physically but the healthy lifestyle as well. drinking tons of water, strength training, eating clean, cardio, getting enough sleep and the list goes on.... it didn't come over night and heck i still slip up! you can do it though! and the best thing you can tell yourself is you are not perfect but you will succeed!! were all in it together and here for you!

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OPALMOMMYFIRST 3/10/2011 8:38AM

    Excellent blog and so true. Something we ALL need to be reminded of when we're trying to get back into the swing of things.

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BEINGGUIDED 3/10/2011 8:30AM

    If you do one thing today that is better for you than something you did yesterday, you have not failed! Just keep on trucking!

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ROBINS78 3/10/2011 8:11AM

    Way To Go on getting back to it. And you are right, be easy on yourself, its the best thing you can do for yourself. Be your own best friend! SparkPeople is an awesome place to be for support and knowledge! You can do this! You can! No one says you have to be perfect. You have a gazzillion and one cheerleaders here!

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NUTRON3 3/10/2011 8:08AM

    Good for you!

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