Thursday, June 17, 2010
Quite hot going today, mild headache on return and a slight stitch for the first time as well.
Week 4 starts Saturday.
My heels are a little sore, hopefully now having worked out an exercise plan including the running I should space out the exercising types better.
People who questioned in my last blog about a rest day, from the very start of this journey, over a year and a half ago, I strived to exercise daily, that 15 minute walk I started with became important to me to maintain, so now even though I exercise at higher levels, its still important to do something every day to me. I prefer a consistent gentle approach rather than pushing myself to exhaustion once or twice a week.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Think this is it!!
Can plan a small snack Tues/Thurs/Sat for after running as it makes me hungry!
I did Day2 of Week3 today, little slower as it was rather warm and I think a gap of Sat-Wed is too much, worked better the previous week.
Just added a SP Strength training in as well, I havent lost anything for 3 weeks and I am getting pretty pissed off now, I fear I would be at a healthy weight if not for this hanging skin... hence not being able to coax my body to lose any further as it doesn't really want too.
No idea how to get past that. Going to discuss with my nurse next week.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Simply a fluff blog today, sharing a bit more random about me...
A - Age: 30... Ugh
B - Bed size: Double... a wrought-iron 4-poster!!
C - Chore you hate: I HATE doing dishes, but make myself keep up with it.
D - Dog's name: No dogs... 3 kitties, Ebony, Beastie and Muffin
E - Essential start your day item: Cup of cold water
F - Favorite color: Pink
G - Gold or Silver: Silver jewellery for sure!
H - Height: 5'5
I - Instruments you play: Played piano years ago, nothing now
J - Job: Manager of a Kids Club in a small church school
K - Kid(s): None sadly.
L - Living arrangements: Live alone except for kitties
O - Overnight hospital stay other than birth: Never!!
P - Pet Peeve: Bad drivers who put others at risk with their stupidity.
Q - Quote from a movie: "One of God's own prototypes. Some kind of high powered mutant never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die." ok, so its a book first!!
R - Right or left handed: Right
S - Siblings: 1 younger brother
T - Time you wake up: 7am and when working... out the house before 7.20!!
U- First word that comes to your mind for "U": Unicorn (I do love My Little Pony!)
V - Vegetable you dislike: Radish, tastes like hot dirt (or how I imagine hot dirt would be!)
W - Ways you run late: Traffic and said stupid people in that traffic.
X - X-rays you've had: Feet and Neck
Y - Yummy food you make: Turkey Chili
Z - Zoo favorite: Tigers, but have a photo on here of me with a lemur and I do LOVE this shot of an ostrich I took...
Monday, June 14, 2010
Pretty non-personal entry today, feeling more like looking outwards at things than inward at myself. I want to thank all the people who have been a support while I am in this sad place though. Its all appreciated.
So I thought I would share this image, each 'blob' is 1lb of fat. Its a medical aid... made of plastic so no panic required!!
This is a pile of 100lbs, now obviously on the body its packed with no gaps, but seriously.... still this image shocks knowing I have lost that, then half of it AGAIN!!!
Sunday, June 13, 2010
I have lost so much weight, everyday somebody tells me how amazing I look, how pretty I look. I agree with them for the most part.... while I am dressed.
Un-dressed? I hate myself so much.
My arms have huge hanging 'wings', my stomach is wrinkled like an old apple, my thighs are loose and wrinkly, and my breasts are empty and sagging. I'm not exaggerating as my Dr is trying to fight for me to get this fixed on the NHS, but you have to maintain your new weight for 2 years.
2 years of hating myself.
And even then I am unsure I meet enough of the criteria to get all these things fixed.
My now Ex-boyfriend as of yesterday admitted it wasn't attractive. My face, my eyes, my smile... blah blah blah... all of that is apparently, but I cannot see past knowing he finds the loose skin un-attractive.
So I said so and said things are over.
I started this journey coming up to being 30 because I was scared I would never get to have a baby, now I have put myself where I am physically able too, but I am so disgusted in myself the thought of even undressing in front of somebody is frightening because I am scared to believe what they may say, whether its the truth and they can see past my figure or not.
So I am alone again and unable to see any way past being alone. When you hate yourself its hard to expect anybody to love you.
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