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I dream of Jeannie...

Monday, November 18, 2013

My mother in law's name is Jeannie... I had weird dreams about her all night long! I am going to see her today and have to have a frank discussion with her about a few issues and I am NOT looking forward to it. She is not a very kind person, nor does she particularly seem to like me. I have been the only one there for her for many years; the rest of her family are on the other side of the country. My husband would see her when he was home when I MADE HIM! yet she treats me like I'm out to get her. I will deal with it but I thought it funny that I woke up thinking "I dream of Jeannie" LOL

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LOFLLAMA 11/18/2013 12:17PM


Comment edited on: 11/18/2013 12:17:42 PM

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Diamonds vs stones...

Friday, November 15, 2013

Today I am trying to remember to be thankful. Some days sure are harder than others... I am reminded of a song John Denver sang that went "Some days are diamonds, some days are stones. Sometimes the hard times won't leave you alone. Sometimes a cold wind blows a chill in your bones. Some days are diamonds and some days are stones." Today just feels like a PILE OF STONES....

My mom called yesterday and the coyotes ate my son's cat this week at her house while he was home with us for a few days. My mom also wanted to let me know she has pneumonia which coupled with her COPD can be very dangerous.

My husband called and is being accused of something he definitely did not do. If he cannot prove he is right we will not get any more family visits for a year. We just had our first one since his transfer.

My MIL is up to her old tricks of telling everyone in the nursing home she has no family here when I make a point to go see her every other week if not more often. I have been with her son for 24 years - when might I become family? Not to mention her grandchildren...

My grandmother called to let me know that my grandpa is doing a bit better. It seems the family was called to rally around because we almost lost him two weeks ago. This call was the first I had heard of it...

My boss is getting more and more impatient to be retired - she has until June still - but she is taking more time off and I am assuming more of her duties. My fear with this is that if I am taking all of her duties now without a pay raise, what are the odds they will want to give me one when she leaves?

I know it is nothing I can't get through, sometimes these stones are just heavy, you know? But tomorrow is another day and maybe things won't feel so hard to deal with. Baby steps, right?

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ARIAL61 11/16/2013 8:34AM

    When it rains it pours, right? I like what Kyrria said about God giving his toughest battles to his toughest soldiers. Keep the faith! I hope you can treat yourself to some kindness this weekend... a hot bubble bath, mani/pedi if you can, maybe some time to read a good book, something you enjoy. You definitely need nurturing! emoticon

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LOFLLAMA 11/15/2013 5:27PM

  YOU ARE AMAZING!!! You will get through this with flying colors as always!!! I have faith in you. emoticon

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KYRRIA 11/15/2013 4:02PM

    God gives the toughest battles to his strongest soldiers! Hang in there and stay positive... :)

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Wednesday, November 06, 2013

Today I feel - Blah... Not sad, not mad, not happy, not excited, just blah. I'm a little tired which might contribute. I'm in between big projects at work, so I am doing "housekeeping" type chores which I am sure contributes. Its windy and a little overcast. So just Blah. I am planning to take a walk at lunch if it's not blowing too hard so hopefully that will help to sweep some of that away. Any un-blah ideas?

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PRINCESS_SOFI 11/6/2013 4:44PM

    Bubble bath. emoticon

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LOFLLAMA 11/6/2013 2:20PM

  Go smile at yourself in the mirror! Tell yourself how much you are loved!!!

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Happy Days

Monday, November 04, 2013

I was told by a counselor to OWN my feelings; to look inside each day and ask myself how I am feeling and be honest. If someone asks me how I am - be honest (to a point - the grocery bagger probably doesn't really want to know!) - "fine" is not an option, it's a cop-out. Its not always easy to do. I am not often comfortable doing it. How about you? Try it. Its harder than you think but it's starting to pay off... Because today I can honestly say I feel HAPPY! No qualifiers, no real "reason" - I just feel Happy today! I am going to try to keep it going all day!

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MARILYNROBERT 11/4/2013 10:53PM

    emoticon emoticon

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PRINCESS_SOFI 11/4/2013 11:36AM

    I automatically say 'good' even if I'm having a terrible day. Overall, most people ask that as a courtesy.

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LOFLLAMA 11/4/2013 11:25AM

  I feel beautiful, smart & thin! Yea!!! I'm glad you are happy, love!!! You've EARNED happiness!

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Restoring Faith

Monday, October 28, 2013

I was always the first to say "Everything happens for a Reason" or "Let go - Let God" and I truly believed that He brought me to it I would come out better for it on the other side. I have always been "the other people" - You know the one everyone talks about - "that can't happen to me it happens to other people". I am Other People - weird, hard, unlucky stuff happens in my life. I have always been able to roll with it, maybe not always as gracefully as I would like, but roll with it none the less. Then came the test...

My husband has always had a drinking problem and chose to drink and drive. I told him I would leave if anything happened - until it did. He was driving home from work out of state, fell asleep and, with the cruise control on, hit another vehicle. Thankfully both he and the other driver lived but both required surgery. Due to his failed construction business we were just climbing to the top of a deep financial hole. This did not help. Many medical and court appointments later, he was convicted of DUI with great bodily injury. His employer was willing to put him into an in-patient rehab for whatever time the courts deemed. According to our public defender this would be the best for all parties and he felt confident this would be the action taken. I prayed about this for a long time and I felt at peace that this would be the outcome and all of us could eventually heal from this as a family.

In court, the probation officer confirmed this was acceptable and appropriate along with severe fines and restitution to the victim. The judge agreed the facility mentioned was court approved; then the DA spoke up. He said this was an egrigiously violent crime and cited a statute typically used in armed robbery that if you injury someone in the commission of a felony that is not your accomplice it is termed a violent crime. The judge even had the attorneys come into his chambers. Unfortunately there was no argument, just because the statute was typically used for a different type of crime did not mean it could't be used. My husband was given 4 year and 4 months in prison and mandated to serve a minimum of 3 years 8 months due to the label of violent.

That was 2 and a half years ago now. He has 13 months to go. For the first 2 years he was housed at a prison 810 miles away. Due to finances, I was only able to see him twice in those years and my kids not at all. He is now about 70 miles away and the kids have been to see him a couple of times. I try to go at least every few weeks. My husband's self-esteem is in the dirt and unfortuntely they have no counseling there although they do have some inmate run AA meetings. I have had issues with depression, anxiety and anger. My kids are angry. We live in a very rural area and there are no free counseling services available here. I even looked into the Al-Anon meetings and they no longer run them here. Go figure!

Anyway - that is all background...in the last couple of years I really have not felt the presence of God like I always did. I was angry at Him at first but now just feel empty. I don't know how to restore my faith... I have talked to a pastor friend of mine who just encourages me to pray and that I will restore my relationship with God through prayer. I have never been one to go to church as I find many people too hypocritical there. Lately though everywhere I look there are signs that I need to turn to Him. I'm just not sure how to do that yet... We still have a long row to hoe when he comes home and I know that we will be stronger and more able to cope with that if I can turn to the Lord, but I just don't feel Him... And maybe I still don't trust him... and probably I am still very angry with him... and so on and so on... But how can I restore that faith I used to have?

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MARILYNROBERT 11/1/2013 6:29PM

    Right now, along with some friends, I've been reading "One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are" by Ann Voskamp and also watching her free videos where she talks about each chapter. The book has helped me a lot, to see the presence of God in my life, even during hard times.

If you download Kindle for PC, I think you can even read the first chapter for free, to see if you would be interested in the book:


You are doing the right thing, to try to get things right between you and God now, so that you will be in the best place possible, when your husband comes home. I'll keep you in my prayers emoticon

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    Is is possible that God allowed this to happen to prevent something worse from happening in your lives?

For instance, suppose your husband had been put in rehab and then later, despite his best intentions, gotten behind the wheel again and killed a child or a whole family? Where would you, your husband, and your kids be then?

God can see miles down the road into our futures - maybe he's actually protecting your family, including your husband, by allowing him to serve time.

I try very hard (sometimes I fail) to remember that "God IS Love - and in him is no darkness at all." If he IS love, and the Bible says he is, then he doesn't try to hurt us, so the alternative is that he's protecting us or someone else. I could be wrong, of course - it's just something to think about.

emoticon emoticon

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ARIAL61 10/28/2013 3:21PM

    Wow Reneat, that's a lot to digest! We share something in common, my dh got a DUI too. Difference is, he didn't get in an accident or cause injury to anyone else. Still, the consequences were severe and it has really tested our marriage. I can't begin to even fathom what youvre been through while your dh has been incarcerated. As for not feeling God's presence, have you ever felt that He is there, but you're the one that has moved away? I, too, have often felt that God is not answering. During those times I don't feel His presence and I don't want to pray. Eventually I do, and I've found that starting out with praise helps a lot. Maybe if you could find a place you enjoy and just relax and enjoy the beauty around you. Start to thank Him for the color of the leaves, the sound of the waves, the blue sky, the twinkling starts, really open your eyes to His works and be grateful. Sometimes you just have to let HIm back in your life and sometimes it does take time to let the hurt and anger go. Just don't lose the faith. In the meantime, I'll be praying for you, your dh and your children.

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