Hello I am a Mom to 3 Fantastic children ages 13,14, and 23.I have a GREAT husband one that most women wish for.You know the one that comes along after many fails,that makes you believe in true love and soul mates again,that we usually say does not exsit.Well I found one or should I say we found each other somehow.He continues to support and Love me no matter what (which I always am afraid will stop,not sure why) My family has a history of being heavy and one of my fears growing up was that ...

Hello I am a Mom to 3 Fantastic children ages 13,14, and 23.I have a GREAT husband one that most women wish for.You know the one that comes along after many fails,that makes you believe in true love and soul mates again,that we usually say does not exsit.Well I found one or should I say we found each other somehow.He continues to support and Love me no matter what (which I always am afraid will stop,not sure why) My family has a history of being heavy and one of my fears growing up was that this was going to happen to me,many family members called me bones because I was small but I NEVER EVER saw myself as small.meaning no harm and to make me feel better about my future ,I was also told that we were a BIG BONED Family and skinny did not exsist. So my private Fat War began but the feeling of wanting to have peace being the weight I wanted,and being Happy with what I looked liked never came and it seems as though I am still searching and getting further and further away from where I need to be.I now look back at all those dreaded so called FAT pictures of myself ,that I hated with such passion......but now I do not see the fatest girl in the whole wide world.....how can this be ? How can this happen ? I wish now to be that FAT girl in the picture , I need to be that kinda fat again......Why/how was I so blind ? Its kinda scary to now know that I lived a lie,stopped looking at myself , stopped seeing the real me,and continued to live my life not knowing or seeing ME.I really am not totally sure what opened my eyes to this,all I know is that I want it to stop. I find myself now asking my husband when I see heavy women...Do I look like that ? and please do not lie .you know the lie people say thinking they are making you feel better... oh no your not that big..... when in fact you are and sometimes bigger :( You know I want the pain of hearing a meant to make you feel better compliment from people like...."YOU have such a pretty FACE" go away. I want to strip away all the blinders see the real me and start working on making myself healthy and FIND ME AGAIN and not be afraid to do so.I don't want to be just a pretty FACE that walks around without a body.

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