I DID IT!!!!! June 19th, 2010
I have 7 pics in my gallery
My journey begins...
For so many years I have been struggeling with my weight, that I cannot even remember when it all started. Until the age of 6 I was so skinny that my parents were worried. Since I started walking I was in a gymnast-team but I had to quit after a little surgery. That was the start for me to put on weight. I was not allowed to move quickly for several weeks and somehow I started gaining. And with going to school there was a strong feeling of 'not belonging'. I always felt in the wrong place. I ...
For so many years I have been struggeling with my weight, that I cannot even remember when it all started. Until the age of 6 I was so skinny that my parents were worried. Since I started walking I was in a gymnast-team but I had to quit after a little surgery. That was the start for me to put on weight. I was not allowed to move quickly for several weeks and somehow I started gaining. And with going to school there was a strong feeling of 'not belonging'. I always felt in the wrong place. I wanted to connect with someone but I seemed to be so different from everyone else.
In my teens I had a time when I felt so ashamed of my body, which - I know now - was not that huge at all. It just was not as skinny as the other girl's bodies. I wanted to disappear. In summer I was all dressed in long pants and long sleeved shirts and mostly wearing a jacket. I was sweating like hell and feeling so hot. But I neede this to cover up my body. A friend's mom asked me if I wasn't hot and I would have loved to tell her: Hell yes! I am almost dying of heat! But I couldn't. I couldn't tell her because committing meant that I would have had to take my jacket off. And this was not possible - no way ever!
But there were also times I felt more comfortable with my body.
There were periods of time when I lost some weight and I felt good about myself. The weight just never stayed off for too long.
I could pretty much say, that I've gained weight throughout my whole life. Until now I have reached the highest weight ever. It really has to stop here at this point! I see changes in my body. My belly is as huge as it has never been before! The horrible thing is, that I don't feel that fat at all!!!! The way I felt bigger than I was, when I was younger - the skinnier I feel now. The shock hits me everytime I see pictures of myself. This can't be me! I am not that huge!!!
Well, I guess I am...
But I cannot be angry with myself anymore. I cannot be disappointed with my body and my behavior anymore. I cannot deny that this is what I look like, what I built up over the years. All I am and every single pound I am 'wearing' is here for a reason. I put it there because I needed it in some way, because it was the only thing I could do. I didn't know better.
NOW it the time to be kind to myself, to be forgiving, to loving to myself. This is me - all of me. I cannot please others and it doesn't do me any good feeling ashamed of who I am. I want to be kind to myself and sympathize with myself, like I am do with others. I want to step in for myself like I would for someone, who can't step in for himself.
I am the choices I made. And now I choose to make different choices. I want to be good to myself. I want to open up my soul and I want to stop hiding what's inside of me. I want to stop protecting the sweet inner me, that is scared to come out, that is scared to bedissappointed. I want it to come through, come out, because it is beautiful - I am beautiful!
So, I will love myself with my strenghts and weaknesses, with my rough edges and my soft side.
NOW is the time to work with myself not against me!
NOW is the time to support myself!
NOW is the time to be proud of myself!
NOW is the time to trust myself!
NOW IS THE TIME TO BE MY BEST FRIEND!
"You have to find something that you love enough to be able to take risks, jump over the hurdles and break through the brick walls that are always going to be placed in front of you. If you don't have that kind of feeling for what it is you are doing, you'll stop at the first giant hurdle."
| current weight: 238.0
Member Since: 3/5/2010
Fitness Minutes: 6,284
I want to feel good about myself
Starting weight: 107
BMI: 39.8 (OMG!) - almost massive adipose :(
Goal weight: 65kg
Goal BMI: 24 (normal)
105kg (39) -
102.5kg (38) -
101.6kg (5%) - Manicure
100kg (37) - Haircut
98kg (36) - Lillies
96.3kg (10%) -
95kg (35) - Pedicure
92kg (34) - (Adipose I)
91kg (15%) -
90kg (33) - Sauna
87kg (32) - Singing lesson
85.6 (20%) -
84kg (31) -
82kg (30) -
79kg (29) -
76kg (28) -
74.9 (30%) -
73kg (27) -
71kg (26) -
68kg (25) -
65kg (24) - I AM NORMAL!!! Trip to ???
64.2kg (40%) -
Whenever I was doing sports I felt good about myself - the rest followed. So I am adding 30 min. of 'running' to my daily schedule. Even though I am very slow, I will not pressure myself. I know that I will pick up speed after some time.