NOTE TO SELF: DON'T WHINE ABOUT SOMETHING YOU'RE NOT WILLING TO CHANGE. WORK IT, EARN IT, DESERVE IT.

10 TOTAL VAIN REASONS I WORK OUT:
(saw this at 50 reasons on someone's blog!)
1. when I do jumping jacks, i don't want to feel like one hand should be holding my belly in place.
2. once a friend told me she missed looking down and seeing her vajayjay. Then I realized I never HAVE been able to just look down, unless a mirror was in front of me. I want to be able to ...

NOTE TO SELF: DON'T WHINE ABOUT SOMETHING YOU'RE NOT WILLING TO CHANGE. WORK IT, EARN IT, DESERVE IT.

10 TOTAL VAIN REASONS I WORK OUT:
(saw this at 50 reasons on someone's blog!)
1. when I do jumping jacks, i don't want to feel like one hand should be holding my belly in place.
2. once a friend told me she missed looking down and seeing her vajayjay. Then I realized I never HAVE been able to just look down, unless a mirror was in front of me. I want to be able to look down.
3. I miss table dancing and dancing on stages. No, I'm not a good dancer. But it was fun. And I miss it.
4. When dancing at a club, I don't want to think that the guy dancing with me is doing it as a dare or joke.
5. I'm SO tired of people only wanting to set me up with guys who are morbidly obese and then calling them "my type" - no! Type has nothing to do with size. I'm sure they're lovely people, but I'm not even remotely attracted to someone who can't talk to me without panting.
6. I want to borrow my friends' clothing.
7. Cute bras come in smaller sizes.
8. Cuddling on couches is easier if you're smaller.
9. LONG CAR RIDES WITH OTHER PEOPLE. I hate that I always end up touching the other person in small cars because my thighs are so big.
10. NOT WEARING SHORTS UNDER DRESSES TO PREVENT CHAFING. Why? Because my legs won't touch. That will be lovely.

~

Moms don't always know best, but mine every so often says some pretty decent words of wisdom. One of my favorites are: "What's the point of having the knowledge and doing nothing with it?"

Through the past few years on Spark, I have learned a LOT about myself, about food, how I relate to food, and food relates to me. I have learned how hard I can push my body, how hard is too hard, and how HARD it is to get back up each time I "fall off the wagon." But I have also realized that not getting back up and lying in the lard on the ground whining is so much harder emotionally than being able to say to myself "At least I got back up."

~

There once was a girl who relied on food for comfort. She treated every cookie like a security blanket, every meal as if she was never going to eat that food again, and every bite like it would do no harm to her health.
One day, this girl, about 14 years young, got in a fight with her other sisters. She was terribly upset, but didn't want to face any of those emotions, so she went to the freezer to find a dilly-bar. However, the box was empty, and she wept. This confused her mom, who asked her why she was so upset that there was no ice cream, when she knew that there would be more next week. Then words would come out that she would ignore, but remember years later: I thought it would make me feel better.
6 years later, I still find myself with that feeling - that relationship - with food. I tell myself, food is fuel, not a love partner. It will be there tomorrow, I'll have the opportunity to eat this food again. If I don't eat it all, IT IS OKAY. But.. I don't.
I. Am. A. Food. Addict.
It is my drug, and I cannot stop or I'll die, because food is needed to live. Every time I step into a grocery store, I feel at peace. I will, and have many times, spend HOURS looking at food. I love cook books, and being around food. Every single moment I am around food, people eating, people mentioning food, commercials on tv, driving by a restaurant, I am tempted. I am addicted.
After gaining almost all of the weight back that I had lost - while working out more than before - I've realized how important tracking is. How important food is, and how I need to take every bite, one bite at a time. I need to re-learn how to eat, how to cook, how to shop. I am learning how to balance between nutrition, cravings, temptation, and calories.
I am a walking construction zone. No - I am a running, lunging, crunching construction zone.

LOVE THYSELF ♥
To love someone else, you need to love yourself first and foremost. One of the challenges I took part in, required that we make a list of 10 things we love about ourselves, based on LOOKS ONLY. Yes, this is a bit harder than I thought, but made me smile by the end (I recommend doing it!). Here is my list:
1. I love my eyes. Especially the color! I feel like I can communicate so much through them to others, and (even though this sounds SO shallow and weird) I love the color of them after I cry. Sometimes noticing the color is what makes me stop crying! haha. They just get SO bright and green, it makes me smile and reminds me of grown and new-ness.
2. I love my legs. They're not perfect, but they're perfect to me. I may not have the smallest of ankles or thighs, but I like how they look.
3. I love my chest. I find that it makes me look more balanced, I feel sexy with an AMAZING bra on, and womanly.
4. I love my cheek bones. They're high, but not model high. Just lovely :)
5. I love it when I get just a tad sunburnt and my cheeks get red, sort of like a perma-blush. Sunkissed :) I think it's really cute.
6. I love my lips, especially the color
(this is when I start to run out of things)
7. I love my shoulders/collar bones :)
8. I love, just as someone else said, when I lay down and feel the curve of my waist to my hips. Makes me feel attractive :)
9. I love my tan lines too! I don't know why, but I do haha
10. I love my hair color :)


Measurements:
Starting:
Christmas 2008: 198lbs
Starting Spark: 188 (I then gained 2 lbs, so I started from there after)
Waist: 38inches
Hips: 43.5
Chest: 45
Thigh: 25.5
Calf: 16
Bicep: 14
BMI: 31.3

Read More About STOP.WAITING (Updated August 12)

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