I took the dog for a walk and look what followed us home!

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I have just come back from what I guess you would call a mild case of depression?

Starting last May my life became hard the moment we heard my husband had cancer. I have two teen age children who didn't make the situation any easier. I also have a little business which has been a struggle too. All this combined created so much stress, worry, tension etc... I went from healthy eating and exercise to eating sweets and pizza and things that I didn't even really desire to eat, but once I got started, there was no stopping me. I still maintained my exercise and then the next thing you know the exercise dwindled. Before you know it i was eating more and more sweets and exercise became sporatic. I did a lot of damage to my body. I have been sick more in this past year than I have in 7 years.

The weight gain was enormous! 40 lbs! That was devastating to see on the scale. I beat myself up over it really badly. I felt like a failure, an idiot, how can I let myself gain so much...was I in a coma? This past year is kind of blurry to me, so maybe I was in a sugar coma, I dunno. All I know is I had to get back on track and get this anxiety under control.

I wasn't successful at getting back on track and kept asking why. I think I have finally figured a few things out about myself. I always longed for that aha moment where I can sort it all out and I think I have had a break through. One thing I realized is that I gave food too much power. I was in the supermarket and I glanced at a bag of m&m's, i felt a sense of fear come over me. I thought what the heck...? The voices in my head went something like...OMG look at that bag of m&m's that I can't have, if I buy it I will eat them all, no you won't, but if I buy them I can eat them all and then start watching tomorrow. I stopped and said to myself "This is ridiculous, I decide what and how much I eat" and that feeling of fear went away. At that moment I felt confident, like I can do this. Food doesn't control me. I couldn't believe how something as simple as realizing that I decide what I put in my mouth can have such a huge impact. I couldn't believe that I gave food so much power in the first place.

The second "aha moment" is that I had to step on that scale and really look at the number and face it and decide to commit at that moment. I hid my weight from myself if that makes any sense at all. Every time I went to the doctor and had to be weighed I would close my eyes and also tell the nurse please don't tell me my weight. I had only two pair of pants that fit and then it soon became one pair of jeans. I refused to buy clothes until I lost weight, but I didn't lose and I didn't want to go out in public. That's when I realized I am sinking into a depression and need to pull myself out before I go somewhere where I have never been before(mentally). So my commitment is to myself to track my calories in, calories out and work on my weekly deficit. I am happy to say that I have been doing great with that!

The third thing is to not worry so much about if "this" is right or if "that" is right. An example would be eating 5 or 6 small meals a day, I've tried that, but I find that I was always thinking about food and I think I prefer a slightly larger meal than what you would eat if you were eating 5 or 6 meals. What has been working for me is three meals a day and a snack after dinner. I make sure I stay within my calories and make good food choices.

The fourth thing is that I have stopped being angry at myself. I made a mistake and now I am fixing it.

I had avoided coming here for quite a while. I guess I felt like such a failure. I was here yesterday for the first time in a while and the first thing I read was the promise I made to myself about being at my goal weight by March and here it is May and I am heavier than the last time I was here. I would have let that bother me, but I am strictly focusing on the future and taking it one day at a time. I am happy making consisitent strides forward. Each week has been a loss and I am thrilled with that.

P.S. I have really missed all of my sparkfriends, I am sorry to have just disappeared.

Member Since: 10/17/2008

Fitness Minutes: 8,926

My Goals:
Be kind to myself.
Be kind to others.
Be happy.
Stay positive.
Relax and enjoy life.
Be a good wife and mother.
Be a good listener .
Not to sweat the small stuff.

My Program:
Burn 3000 calories daily.
Consume 1500 calories daily.
Create a 1500 calorie daily deficit to lose 3 lbs per week.

Eat three meals and a snack or two daily.
Drink plenty of water.
7 hours sleep.
Daily exercise which includes just about everything that burns calories!

Personal Information:
I am originally from Brooklyn New York.I have been living in Florida for 18 years. I am married with two children and have my mother, sister and niece living close by. We still have the Italian Sunday dinners. Oh right that's how I ended up on Sparks! lol

Other Information:
I like exercise videos, rollerskating(yes old fashioned rollerskating not rollerblading), bike riding, the beach, dancing, funny movies and funny t.v.shows and my new favorite thing is playing Ms.Pacman on my iPhone.I have loved Ms.Pacman since I was 14 which is a very long time ago! lol

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    2743 days ago
    Are you there??? I have been missing ya!
    How is your hubby doing? You??? HUGS!!!
    2751 days ago
  • v BONESS
    Hey Steph,
    how are things. Hope you aren't to busy with the Biz and have some time for yourself.
    2802 days ago
    Hey Steph! How are ya?

    Have a great FRIDAY!
    2816 days ago
    emoticon for beating the pants off everyone! Lol...that's great, girl! I've never been good at anything requiring me to hit a little ball. You'd have me spinning in circles if I were in that racquetball room with you!

    Sounds like you are enjoying yourself and burning up major calories! emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2818 days ago
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