STARDUST2K4   51,495
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Don't EVER Let ANYONE Tell You Who You Can Be

In 2008, I hit my highest weight for the first time ever-I think about 347 pounds by the time I had actually weighed myself. Though, I consider my real "starting point" to be about 330 pounds. From 2010 and into 2011 I lost about 100 pounds. After about 2 months, I slowly gained back to about 250lbs, then maintained between 260-270, until the spring of 2013, then I found myself back down to about 234. The lowest weight I have ever been as an adult-for the second time. In the fall of 2013, my ...
In 2008, I hit my highest weight for the first time ever-I think about 347 pounds by the time I had actually weighed myself. Though, I consider my real "starting point" to be about 330 pounds. From 2010 and into 2011 I lost about 100 pounds. After about 2 months, I slowly gained back to about 250lbs, then maintained between 260-270, until the spring of 2013, then I found myself back down to about 234. The lowest weight I have ever been as an adult-for the second time. In the fall of 2013, my senior year of college was in full swing. Between 2013 up through 2014, I slowly gained all that weight back. My precious work undone. I found myself back at 337 lbs.

I have maintained an entire year weighing approximately 330 pounds, and wearing a size 26 pants-for the second time in my life. I've finally moved on from denial. I took a long hard look in the mirror. I reflected on the number of health problems I've had in these last couple of years-all made worse by my weight.

My fiance and I finally set a wedding date. We will be 9 years together on that day. I'll also be 30 years old. As I get older, I know that it's going to be a lot harder to lose it. I want to reinforce those habits now. I'm very fortunate that I don't have diabetes. My mother, after having type 2 for the last 15 years, was finally told that she could cut her medicine in half for it! I'm so proud of her! She's a wonderful example that it's never too late. And, of course, being that she's my mom, I know that the chances of me having diabetes will go up the longer I live an unhealthy lifestyle.

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The long story, for those who wanna know more about me:

I have struggled with my weight since I was about 14 years old. I have struggled with body issues since I was about 4. I remember being self conscious about the fact that my tummy went in and out when I took a breath. was worried about what people were going to think about my fat stomach when they saw it. I remember thinking about how embarrassed I was going to be because people were going to think I was fat.

I was about 10 or so when I became consciously aware that I was gaining weight. I didn't really think much of it. I figured it was because I was growing. It was just baby fat. Then, as I continued through middle school, and into high school, my self esteem was pretty much nonexistent. I was pretty shy, and a target for bullying. As I gained weight, I got the 'some day' mentality, but I was depressed, and using food as a medication. The friends I had weren't always the nicest. Criticisms turned into negative self talk. Even though I tried to distract myself with music and art, I never believed I was good enough at it. The negative self talk always took over.

As I grew older I was able to hide my widening waist line with my height of 5'10". I masked how terrible I felt about being so big with humor. Even still, I'm the funny one. I'm always making jokes-often self depreciating. I'm the 'funny quirky girl with an off beat sense of humor'.

I knew that being even over 200 pounds is unhealthy for my height. Still, I just ignored it because I had fat friends, and we all convinced ourselves that we were just meant to be fat. Sure. It was normal to eat an entire medium pizza from Dominos as a sophomore in high school. Still, I walked to and from school, I was in marching band, and I took aerobics. In my mind, I was doing enough exercise. I just wasn't blessed with metabolism, willpower, or luck that my sister had. I felt lost and just completely powerless. I felt like I deserved to feel bad and that I should have felt bad.

I've since learned that this isn't about hating and bullying yourself until you are at a healthy weight. It's about loving yourself enough to even begin the process. It's about overcoming this self abuse and negative self talk. It's about feeling my feelings rather than eating them.

This has also served as as lesson. I cannot pause my routine. This is for life. There is no "done". I thought I was prepared for maintenance, but really, it's not the weightloss itself that I've been dreading this past year. it's the maintenance. that's THE hardest part of it all. Knowing that this will be for the rest of my life.
The bad habits will return once you forget to keep them in check.

I know that this isn't the last time I'll feel defeated. My hope is that the next time I see the weight creeping back up, I'll be able to take action sooner.
Read More About STARDUST2K4 (Updated December 10)


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 current weight: 305.0 
 
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Member Since: 1/27/2008

SparkPoints: 51,495

Fitness Minutes: 68,876

My Goals:
Weight loss related goals:

*To lose at least 70 pounds by September 3rd 2016

Ultimate Goal weight:
170-175lbs

Fitness goals:

*Get jogging again!

*To try snowboaring (accomplished in 2012)

*To jog 10 miles non-stop (accomplished in 2013)

*learn how to rock climb

*Learn how to surf




My Program:

*Stationary Bike-60 mins, 5-6 days per week

*Tracking all calories consumed

*Body weight/Mat exercises

*5 and 10 LB free weights

Personal Information:
I grew up in Keizer Oregon. I graduated from McNary High School in 2004. I graduated from Chemeketa Community College in the fall of 2011. I graduated from Western Oregon University in 2014.


Other Information:



My Community Journal:
New Beginning

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Member Comments:
PIXIE-LICIOUS
5/14/2015 3:42:28 PM

"Never wait for the proper mood to start a thing, nor until the spirit moves you. Make your own mood. Make your own spirit. How? ACT. Do something – anything. Inspiration seldom generates action. Action always creates inspiration."
-Author Unknown
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Thank you for your comment on my blog ("A Little Story.") Have a healthy day!



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FIFTEEZNFIT
1/30/2015 6:27:57 PM

So, how do you like the personal training? It's tough, but nice to have someone to support you and hold you accountable...enjoy the weekend
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RASPBERRY56
9/7/2014 5:54:18 AM

Welcome back and best wishes!



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.DUSTY.
8/22/2014 10:08:41 AM

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Happy Birthday To You Ellie!

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NGCHILD
4/29/2014 8:42:51 AM

Hi and welcome back to Spark! Remember to drink your water!! Have fun!

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