30,000-39,999 SparkPoints
Running in New Mexico June, 2011

The 'before' around 270lbs 10/07

Our 2 snow dogs!

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Reclaiming Life

What is living the 5%? It is living the way I want to live, full of health and energy, and love for myself and the world! It is about consistency, good choices, and replacing the negative thinking with positivity! It is about more than the balance of calories and exercise (though that is a primary aspect), it is about balance in everything! It is about being one of the 5% that gets to goal and stays there!

I started this journey in 2008 at the age of 37 having been obese my ...
What is living the 5%? It is living the way I want to live, full of health and energy, and love for myself and the world! It is about consistency, good choices, and replacing the negative thinking with positivity! It is about more than the balance of calories and exercise (though that is a primary aspect), it is about balance in everything! It is about being one of the 5% that gets to goal and stays there!

I started this journey in 2008 at the age of 37 having been obese my entire life.

37 to 40 were an incredible, difficult, joyful time of discovery, learning, and loss (of weight!). I lost around 85 pounds or so and have been amazed at this life. I don't say this new life, because i was shocked to discover that I was the same woman at 184 pounds as I was at 270 in most ways. Every time I had envisioned myself thin, it was always a different person (void of issues, always saying the clever thing, you get the picture).

At the same time I was a completely new person--a running, no knee pain, more confident, clavicles-visible, leg-crossing, clothes borrowing, feeling sexy person. THAT was all brand new to me. And I continue to love it...

You see the but coming, don't you!

I have, due to a variety of family and other issues, lost a bit of myself since last year, subsequently gaining back some things in the process. Not just weight, but negativity I thought I had conquered.

So now it's a new start. New discoveries. Things with my family are still rough, but I feel done not taking care of myself. I miss the feeling of strength I came to love. I am ready to feel it again.

So on this first day of Spring, 2012, I reclaim my hope and desire to renew.

As Bruce says, "you gotta live it everyday"
As Girlyman says, "this is how it's done, you just start all over"

Older Texts:

March 25th will be my 3rd anniversary with SP!
When I logged on 3 years ago, I weighed around 265 and had no hope that Sparkpeople would be any different.
I had decided for the ‘last time’ so many times that THIS time would be different. So I didn’t swear that day. I made no promises.
I had seen 37 years come and go, hoping every new years, every birthday, every day that maybe next year I wouldn’t weigh so much. I spent my childhood wishing and praying that something could change me.
I spent 37 years not being ready.

So on that day in 2008 there were no bells, no big proclamations. In fact I was embarrassed to even being trying anything. I had come a long way in accepting myself the way I was.

But…I told myself it wouldn’t hurt to just see.
And have I ever seen. Every day I decided to do it for another day, and those days have grown into 3 beautiful years. I am a different person. But much to my joy (and despite my fear) I am also the same person. I haven’t lost any essential pieces of myself, just gotten better.
And I finally realized that it took every one of those days leading into the next to get me here. Had I magically lost 150 pounds from one day to the next, I never would have kept it off, because the biggest change has been in my mind and heart, not my body (although the body part is fun!). it took every little bit of self discovery every day, painful as it was some days, to allow me to continue to make good choices. I have had to fight some very powerful negative thoughts/voices/images that have had a long time—a lifetime to take hold. They don’t let go easily. But they are letting go. And 3 years later:

My knee pain is a thing of the past
I am a runner! I ran my first 5K October 16th, 2010
I don’t get short of breath every (except when I’m working out)
I cross my legs
I fit in airplane seats (and every other seat I want to)
I can climb ladders without worrying about the weight limit
I am inspiring to my co-workers and neighbors
I can borrow clothes from people with no fear
I am in the overweight BMI (not obese)
I am cheered on by the me from all those years ago.
I am living my dream, finally.
I believe in myself.

So if you are early on in your journey, and amazed by the stories you are reading--know that you are one of the successes too! Peek into your own future and see your own success--in a few months, a year--it is you!

12 months in (3/09)------------------------------------

What I would have given to peek into the future a year ago. What would I have seen at the beginning of my journey if I could get a glimpse of me a year later?

I would have been amazed that I was one of the people I was reading about who lost weight slowly and in a healthy way. I would have been shocked to be 50% of the way to my goal weight.

I would have been shocked to see a person without knee pain, who was not afraid of stairs or airplane seats. A person who sits with her legs crossed and wears clothes that haven't fit since high school.

I would have been shocked to see that one of the biggest battles was not food, but my internal negativity!

I would have been reassured that I was the same person, but stronger and smaller and more confident.

I would have been surprised to see that the work, the daily journey is as important as the goals. I would never have guessed that if I could have suddenly been small (as I dreamed about every day of my life), it wouldn't have worked. The lessons I am learning along the way are part of the success.

I would have been amazed to see that, because of that daily journey, my dream wasn't a dream anymore. My daily reality is that of a strong woman who is DOING IT!

So if you are early on, and amazed by the stories you are reading--know that you are one of the successes too! Peek into your own future and see your own success--in a few months, a year--it is you!

With SP, anything is possible!!!

7 Months In (10/08)------------------------------

I wouldn't trade what I'm doing for the world. An excerpt from my blog:

A year ago, a good friend died suddenly and violently.
2 months ago, my Dad got a terminal diagnosis.
7 months ago, I started on Sparkpeople.

These things (and others) cause a certain amount of reflection on one’s life. The combination of these things in particular present the following question to me: if I knew that I would die soon; one week, one month, one year, even five years, would I still get out of bed at 6am to walk and track my food every evening? Would I still try to stay within those pesky ranges (calorie, carb, etc) that mean so much to me? Or would I, knowing that I’ll never reach my goal, just stop and ‘enjoy’ what time I had left. Or even taking death out of it, if I knew I would never reach my goal weight, would I keep going?

The answer for me is clear. It is a resounding YES!

Because what I have learned here is that the process is AS important, if not more, than the end result of weighing 150 pounds. So the question becomes how I want to live my life, no matter how long it turns out to be.

So, in the time that I have left, be it short or long:

I want to have energy each day and feel motivated.
I want to respect myself for making good choices.
I want to keep at bay that voice that tells me I’m a failure, and not really worth much.
I want to feel strong.
I want to be in touch with my body, it’s rhythms and needs.
I want to feel joyful.
I want to look at myself with pride, not because of how I look, but who I am.

These things have become possible with Sparkpeople, and daily work and awareness.

And so each day I will continue to choose them.

4 Months in (7/08)--------------------------------

I still have the same goals, but it has been an amazing 4 months. Weight wise, I have lost 23 pounds in the past 3 3/4 months. Do I wish it were more? Of course! Am I fantastically happy that I've lost consistently? Definitely!

Here are the changes I feel in the past 4 months:

--23 pounds gone forever!
--several inches off of various body parts
--my knees hurt less
--I have collarbones! (who knew?)
--I have recognized the strong negativity that has hampered my success for the past 37 years, and I deal with it daily
--I feel tremendous pride
--I feel less fear that this is all a sham, and I'll be back to my old ways soon

An amazing 4 months!

THE BEGINNING---March 25, 2008----------

I have been overweight/obese since childhood. But I want to be healthy and live longer and happier, so my goal is to weigh 150 pounds by age 40 (3 years).

Progress goals:

1. Lose 25% of weight (233 pounds )---reward=new work shoes ----ACCOMPLISHED 7/31/08!!!!!

2. Lose 50% of weight (206 pounds)---reward=travel to a US city to see the band of my chosing! ACCOMPLISHED 3/25/09!!!!

3. Break into the 100's (199 pounds)--ACCOMPLISHED 9/2/09!!!

4. Lose 75% of weight (175 pounds)

5. Weigh 185 (go from obese to overweight BMI)

6. Goal Weight 157 (from overweight to normal weight BMI!!!)
Reward=a whale watching trip anywhere I want (a lifelong dream, just like weighing 157 pounds!)
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 current weight: 229.0 

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Member Since: 3/25/2008

SparkPoints: 30,022

Fitness Minutes: 29,155

My Goals:
My current goals, as of 4/2/14 include:

tracking every day and being mindful of food

going to therapy and spending time each week paying attention to the things I learn and the issues/inspirations that arise.

Doing my PT exercises for my knee and pursuing healing.

Meeting the gremlins of shame head on, and responding with love, compassion, and bravery!

My Program:
Tracking every day

Therapy once every other week.

Exercising most days of the week.

Journaling once a week.

Blogging on SP 2x/week at least.

Attentiveness to what I am eating with a focus on awareness and decreased portions and unhealthy foods.

Personal Information:
I am 43 years old from St. Louis.
I am married (for 9 years) to a wonderful woman I've known for 15 years.
We have been live-in volunteers at a homeless shelter for over a decade, and now live in our own home a block away from the shelter with our 3 rescue dogs.

I work part time as a family nurse practioner at a city clinic for Hispanics.

Other Information:
I love music. My favorite artists are girlyman, bruce springsteen, ani difranco, dave matthews, javier mendoza, HEM, and dar williams.

I am also a big dog fan. we have 3 great dogs now, Zannah, Daisy, and obi.

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Member Comments:
11/12/2012 7:26:02 AM

Thank you for the comment on my blog. I am still 9 days w/no coffee!


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11/10/2012 11:28:40 PM

Yes, you CAN do this!

Yes, you ARE strong enough!

No, it's NOT an option to quit!



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11/7/2012 12:31:36 PM

Wow, you've been through A LOT this year! Enough is enough! I've not been keeping up with much on Spark lately and have been trying to stop letting thoughts of what I'm eating and how much I'm working out fill every minute of my day! It was consuming me and I'm doing much better since I've quit obsessing ~ better with letting go of stress that is, not better with losing. Still maintaining!

Since i live alone, and am having my foot surgery Nov. 30, these days are filled with preparing for when I can't bear any weight on that foot for 4-6 weeks. So I'm doing my family Christmas shopping and wrapping, getting things lined up for my "adopt a family" person, Ruby, that I will buy food and gifts for for Christmas, getting projects ready for my sedentary days, doing my Christmas card letter and labels, making food that I can freeze so it'll be easier at meal time........lots to take care of. I am blessed with a good family and friends who are going to help the first week, then as I need them. All is well, and will be through my surgery and recovery! Positiveness is KEY! We can do it!

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11/4/2012 9:56:20 PM

"At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us." (Albert Schweitzer)

Thank you for being my SparkPal and experiencing this adventure with me. You support means more to me than you'll ever know.


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11/4/2012 9:57:09 AM

Thanks for the comments you had on my blog this week. I appreciate the support. emoticon I used to do the same thing with my tracking and I think you're so right, it is kinda a form of self sabotaging.

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