Shared Food & Fitness Trackers
"Life is the sum of our decisions and actions; results appear where we place our energies. There [is] no mystery to this, but there [is] magic." The Spark
The story of my body:
I do not remember being thin. My Mother tells me that I was a normal weight until about second or third grade. My earliest memories of my body include swimming for hours and hours in the summertime, riding my bike, tap dancing (until I became too big to fit in the spandex costumes that my dance instructor ordered), rollerskating, and playing basketball and football. At some point I began to tell myself that I "hated gym class" and that I was not an active person. By my junior year in high school I had quit the swim team and stopped rollerblading and biking. I went for walks with one of my best friends and we would do Tony Little's "Awesome Abs" together, but I began to think of myself as "sedentary."
Looking back, I can't say exactly what made me begin to feel uncoordinated and "too big to do that." I don't know when the bingeing started, but it was happening even in elementary school. I would sneak food, hide food, open the refrigerator to get a drink and slyly stuff my mouth full of food as quietly as possible hoping that my Mother wouldn't find me with half of a leftover chicken breast or an 8oz hunk of cheese in my mouth while I was pouring my Kool-Aid. I felt dirty, guilty, out of control and fat. And I was probably 11 years old.
By the time I had married and moved away to Michigan I weighed 290 lbs. I was suffering from extremely severe depression and was very close to taking my own life. I reached out and with one last gasping breath I called a therapist who worked with people struggling with eating disorders. Three years and five Geneen Roth books later my son was born and I was in recovery from a lifetime of severely debilitating non-purging bulimia. But I still hadn't figured out how to deal with the seemingly insurmountable challenge of getting back to a healthy weight.
During the labor and delivery of my son I experienced a tear to the L5 disk in my back, though this remained undiagnosed for two years. I couldn't walk without assistance for a couple of months. Even sitting in a supportive rocking chair while nursing my son would make me cry, slow, burning tears. My body was crying out to me, begging me to change. Doctors put me on Morphine (one of the only pain medications that does not pass through breast milk) but it wasn't very effective and eventually caused my nervous system to shut down and I ended up in the emergency room unable to eliminate waste from my body. Doctors thought that one of my nerves had been compressed and prepared me for an MRI. I couldn't fit in the chamber. In pain, confused, scared, and shuddering from the "bug crawling" sensation of high levels of Morphine an arrogant, insensitive doctor, who completely ignored the eating disorder history in my chart berated me for being "too big to fit in the machine." I lost it. I sobbed uncontrollably. I begged my husband to call my therapist and have her come in and speak to the doctors that were treating me with so much disdain. It was humiliating and painful.
Eventually I moved to Massachusetts and was able to have an open MRI. I discovered that I had a disk injury and was sent to Boston Pain Care where I received injections and relief for the first time in two years. I could move again! It has not always been easy. I have continued to experience pain on a daily basis. I have not slept through the night in five years without some kind of muscle relaxer. I am off of the opiates and managing pain with injections every 5 months. I have started swimming two times a week and I move my body every day. I am able to run after my son and play with him without getting tired or winded so quickly. I have tried to eat anti-inflammatory foods to counteract the inflammation that aggravates my pain.
I was at my highest weight in 2007 - 325lbs. In the past three years I have lost 40 lbs give or take. I am back on SparkPeople to lose 150 more and I know that I can do it!
I want to add that to those of you who are reading this right now perhaps losing 40lbs in 3 years is too slow for you. Maybe you think "if it takes me three years to lose 40 lbs, what is the use of making all of these sacrifices?" Maybe it makes you feel hopeless. Continuing at that rate it would take me 9 years to get to my goal weight! But I am here to tell you that if you combined all of the crash diets, medical weight loss programs, exercise binges, juice fasts, and starving myself I have probably lost well over 500 lbs in my lifetime and gained nothing from it! 40 lbs in 3 years is slow. Really slow progress towards my ultimate goal. But 3 years ago I weighed 325 lbs and now I weigh 282 lbs. I stopped a continued weight gain of about 10 lbs per year cold in its tracks. And you have to keep it all in perspective. People tell you "you didn't put on the weight overnight so you can't expect to lose it overnight." But Sparkies, weight loss is really really REALLY not about numbers. Our body is the external manifestation of our internal being. Whatever is going on inside shows on the outside. This doesn't mean that looks determine whether or not we are "good" or "bad" it simply means that your body will follow your soul's lead and your soul will take heart from your body. Wholeness. Wellness. When you have achieved a steady all around health in mind and body, when you can speak to the universe and say "Now Our Minds Are One," then you will have achieved something much bigger and better than losing pounds of fat. And you can only be whole and well when you accept your body just as it is right now. Your body is speaking to you all of the time, giving you signs and signals, telling you what to eat, how it wants to move. Listen. Make your goals not only to lose 5, 10, 150 lbs, but to find peace right now, because peace and communication will lead you to your most perfectly honest and true form. A unique body that speaks to your inner complexities, not a carbon copy of someone else's idea of beauty. Be uniquely you and take your time. You have your body for the rest of your life. It's not going anywhere, so take your time and do it right!
1. Within two years I will lose 150 lbs in order to reduce my back pain, to be physically fit, and to be a self confident role model for my family.
2. Within five years I will be making $75,000.00 a year recording and touring with Stolen Treasure and collaborating with my favorite musicians.
3. Within three years I will have thousands of followers on my narrative blog and a published book of prose poetry that will significantly supplement my income.
4. Within one year I will have a financially responsible budget that is simple-to-follow and provides the means for me to live with my son in an affordable, comfortable home, and enjoy life!
1. Log in and Spin the wheel.
2. Attend Spark People Live Motivational meeting 1x/wk.
3. Swim at least 2x/wk.
4. Track 1x/day.
5. Plan ahead 1x/day.
6. Go to the grocery store 1x/wk and stock simple-to-prepare, healthy options in my kitchen, purse, and car.
7. Track 6 glasses of water per day.
8. Reevaluate my goals and plan new action steps once each week.
9. Blog or write 1x/day.
10. Exercise for at least 10 minutes/day.
My name is Meliss. I am a 31 year old Mother of a 6 year old. I am a musician and a student.
I love reading, knitting, Harry Potter, LOTR, anything Joss Whedon, writing music and prose poetry and office supplies.
There is also tumblr, twin peaks, the office, parks & rec, arrested development, it's always sunny in phili, MAX/MSP...
| current weight: 268.0