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My Memorial Tattoo for our daughters, Gwendolyn Joan Ruth (Gwen) and Genevieve Jolene Emerson (Evie)... <3 12/21/11 <3


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My name is Rachel and I, like a lot of people here on the Spark, have been struggling with weight my whole life. I am working full time with adults and children with developmental disabilities and I hope to one day work with children with autism. I was going to a part-time graduate program but took a break from that in 2010 because of the travel/class/study time that was becoming very frustrating and stressful. I am currently enrolled in an online program but due to many life circumstances I have yet to begin it.

I got married to the love of my life in September of 2011 and it was one of the best days of my life! We have been together since January of 2008! We bought a house in December 2009 (our first!!). He has two children, his daughter is 8 and his son is 4 and we make one very happy family together :) I cannot imagine my life without them!

I finally decided to actually start putting my Spark account to use around January/February 2010 and was going strong until August of 2011, losing over 80 pounds. I was so proud of myself! In August, my husband and I found out we were expecting. I was beside myself with joy! I was a little nervous about the weight gain, but we had planned to try immediately following the wedding (we just got a little head start!). The day before my wedding we recieved more good news, we were not only expecting, we were expecting twins!! Twins run in my family and we had been joking about it but never thought it would actually happen! Naturally, I started to gain weight. I will admit I overindulged but I was so happy! I was married, we were expecting identical twin girls (Gwen and Evie!), life was amazing!

And then our world came crashing down around us. We lost our twins on December 21st, 2011. I went into pre-term labor and there was nothing anyone could do to stop it. We still have no definite reason as to why it happened. At 21 weeks, my precious angels were too small to have any chance of survival. I left the hospital almost 20 pounds lighter and with two pieces of my heart forever missing. Since then, I have been unable to get motivated to do much of anything let alone work on getting back to the healthy lifestyle I worked so hard to achieve. Food is my comfort, my protection from life. Parents should never have to know the pain of burying their children and food is my way of dealing with this pain. I am trying to get back into, fighting the "nothing is worth it" attitude but so far, I have not been very successful. I am returning to SparkPeople for help, support and encouragement. Believe me when I say, I need as much help as people can give to do this again when just getting out of bed everyday is such a struggle. I truly appreciate any help/support anyone can offer.

My Done Statement:
*added March 2012*
I am (trying to be) done worrying over the petty things...life truly is short and those things don't matter in the long run.

I am done being the "fat" girl.
I am done walking into a room and looking to make sure I wasn't the biggest girl there.
I am done talking and thinking negatively about myself.
I am done making excuses.
I am done avoiding things because of my weight.
I am done worrying about how others will judge me because of my weight.
I am done worrying about what other think.
I am done hiding behind dark clothes.
I am done comparing myself to to others.
Most of all
I am done thinking I can't do this!

Member Since: 9/28/2009

Fitness Minutes: 9,620

My Goals:
-Live a healthier lifestyle...
-more water (I was up to at least 8-12 glasses a day M-F, not so good on wkds. trying to get back to that)
-Less Soda (I was down to maybe one diet soda a weekend, but have gotten back into drinking it more often)
-Staying within my ranges at least M-F and working on wkds too.
-Incorporate exercise into my daily routine so it doesn't feel like such a chore.
-Short Term: Lose a total of 24-40lbs before my friend's wedding in October
-Lose a total of 40-60lbs before trying to get pregnant again

You can find my short term goals in my blogs!

My Program:
These are long term goals, I will have to start out slow again:
-at least 30 mins of cardio a day
-completing a basic strength routine at least 2 days/week
- Eating healthy 90% of the time!

Personal Information:
I'm from a small town in upstate NY about an hour north of Albany. I have a fiance who has two children and we are loving our new house. I have tried losing weight many times and it has never stuck because I try to change everything drastically and don't start with small changes. I am trying it differently this time...

Other Information:
I love to read and write, though I rarely have time to do either anymore! I absolutely love being around children and would love to work with children with autism one day. I tend to be negative and I always worry about everything but I am trying to work on that.

"If it isn't worth trying your best, then it isn't worth doing at all." ~My grandfather.

Read More About RJC246 - Profile Information moved here. (Updated March 15)

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