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I am working on making small positive changes to improve my health and life. I want to learn to take care of myself and trust myself to make good choices.

In 2014, I managed to lose over 90 pounds and finally was at a normal weight. It felt too good to be true, and I was constantly terrified of going back to my old ways and gaining it all back.

Well, that's exactly what happened. One by one, all my healthy habits fell by the wayside. My self-esteem crept back to a level of self-hatred. I didn't fight it. I just gave up for years. I abandoned all the friends I'd found here as well as friends I'd found where I lived. I hid from the world and tried unsuccessfully to hide from myself.

The pounds piled back on so quickly that a coworker became convinced I was pregnant. Nope, just fat again. Everything hurts again. I don't ever feel like I have the energy to do anything other than survive.

I'm trying to convince myself that all the time I had spent bettering myself isn't just wasted and lost. I learned valuable lessons. Obviously I didn't learn them as fully as I should have. But it's incredibly difficult to look back on entries from 4 years ago and remember what life was like. To imagine what life could be like now, if I'd only stuck with it. I'm so angry at myself, full of regret and resentment.

So here I am, trying to overcome all this doubt, fear, self-loathing, issues with food, laziness, so many things that undid all the progress I'd made. It's comforting to have proof that I can succeed, but terrifying to have slipped back so far.

Member Since: 11/14/2012

Fitness Minutes: 306

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"What you do today can improve all your tomorrows." - Ralph Marston

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter." - Dr. Seuss

Read More About RACHELLAUREENE - Profile Information moved here. (Updated December 9)

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    How are you today? Teeth any better? emoticon
    4 hours ago
  • v WHITE-2
    Thank you for the comments on my blog. Re: not eating sugar, i cut it out quite a few times in my life and always at some point started eating it again.... the longest streak of 'sugar free' that I had was 75 days in a row.... (I aimed for 100 days then).
    By trial and error I did begin to realize just what eating sugar is doing to me. During binges I'd have lots of it and then after going back to eating in a healthy way, I would have awful, terrible moods, up to the point of feeling suicidal... it took me years to understand that this was the sugar withdrawal at work! I'd also almost always get a cold or flu symptoms. I also know that once I eat one sugary treat, my body /brain will start screaming for more, more, more...
    So, what I want to say is that it took me years before I was ready (IF I am truly ready, that is) to start believing that I am better off not eating it.
    I think I am very sensitive to sugar - both parents and my brother have diabetes type 2. I hear that some people can learn to just limit their intake of sugar, I think that's easier if you can do it. But I am beginning to think that my life is easier avoiding the stuff. I don't avoid ALL sugars, I do eat fruit and I have some products (like sauces and spreads) that contain some sugar. I just don't eat the obvious sugar loaded things like ice cream, cookies, cake and such.
    1 day ago

    Comment edited on: 12/15/2017 4:30:44 PM
    This is your invitation! Are you looking for a way to get fit, lose weight, and have fun along the way? Check out the 2018 Winter 5% Challenge! Team members will work towards losing 5% of their starting weight in 8 weeks by participating in team challenges that focus on exercise & healthy lifestyle habits. Let’s have fun, make new friends and get in shape! The challenge starts in Saturday, January 6th, 2018!. Please click on this link to join the Challenge.

    Here is the link information. Please copy and paste to go to the team.

    2 days ago
  • v WHITE-2
    In addition to the note: both of the teams are on my sparkpage.
    3 days ago
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    Wherever you go, no matter what the weather, it never hurts to bring your own sunshine and an extra pair of galoshes.

    Good morning and a great day to you! emoticon emoticon
    3 days ago
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