**Note: I am currently on a break from Spark for the next several months.

Hi everyone! My name's Amanda and I'm a 34-year-old stay at home mom of three boys aged 12, 10, and 9. My weight loss journey has nothing to do with looking better or getting healthy. Instead, it is focused on getting away from a place where all I feel is shame, depression, and self-consciousness. I never want to be there again!

My struggle with weight began in August of 1998. Before then, I had ...

**Note: I am currently on a break from Spark for the next several months.

Hi everyone! My name's Amanda and I'm a 34-year-old stay at home mom of three boys aged 12, 10, and 9. My weight loss journey has nothing to do with looking better or getting healthy. Instead, it is focused on getting away from a place where all I feel is shame, depression, and self-consciousness. I never want to be there again!

My struggle with weight began in August of 1998. Before then, I had always been thin and athletic. That month, I had a procedure done on my teeth, which led to a set of hidden infections that took eleven years to discover and clean out. In those years, the infections showed themselves in seemingly unrelated ways: near-constant illnesses, random allergy symptoms, bipolar symptoms, hypoglycemia, and a weight roller coaster where I would go up or down by 20-30 lbs in a few weeks unrelated to diet/exercise. In September 2009, the last infection was cleaned out, and within weeks, all of the above symptoms literally disappeared. Since Thanksgiving 2009, I've been working to lose the ~120 lbs I gained while sick.

The journey downward began with three changes: an exercise challenge, buying an elliptical, and learning how to differentiate between physical and emotional/mental hunger. With these three changes, I lost 20 lbs in five months. I stalled out there because I wasn't consistent enough in my exercise, I got lazy about paying attention to my body's cues, and I had no social support system to rely on. I maintained the weight for another seven months, leading me to Thanksgiving of 2010.

By that time, I was pretty depressed about my weight loss efforts and felt hopeless about ever losing more. The week of Thanksgiving, I woke up from a dream that I was writing a memoir about the four things fat women can't do without being ridiculed: eat, exercise, think, or enjoy themselves. Waking up from that dream sent me into an even worse depression, and I put 5 lbs back on my body over the next few weeks through binging. The worst part was knowing that that's how I felt, that I was invisible when I wanted to be noticed, and noticed when I wanted to be invisible. I was walking around in a cloud of shame.

As 2011 approached, I knew I had to do something drastic. I HAD to change. I seriously considered lapband surgery, but chose instead to give myself one more chance to lose properly. I started the year, again, with little changes. Consistent, daily exercise. More water. More sleep. Healthy-but-reasonable foods, and always paying attention to hunger cues (something I've discovered since is called intuitive eating). When I discovered Spark at the end of February 2011, I'd already lost 12 lbs, making my total loss 27 lbs. Spark was exactly what I needed to keep me on track. I lost 73 lbs in my first two years at Spark, making my total loss 100 lbs! I hope to lose the rest by my third Sparkversary in February 2014. In addition to losing weight, I've accomplished so much since my journey here began, from running full 5Ks and 10Ks to eliminating fast food from my diet to learning to love my freggies for the first time in my life.

Things have changed so much since I had that dream in late 2010. I'm no longer depressed and cringing with shame, and I know that I can do this. I have hope and confidence, and that is a wonderful thing. :)

Note: Periodically I organize my Sparkfriends and remove people who have been inactive for 75+ days. This is nothing personal, just a way to help me know who is active here and who I can help support. I gladly re-add anyone who comes back after being inactive!

Read More About POOKASLUAGH (Updated May 24)

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