Once, a crazed basketball player on four different teams all at the same time, I was a girl who never worried about what she ate. If there were sweets, I ate it, burgers, ate it, 2% milk, LOVED it. My life revolved around basketball, friends, family, church, and food. I was taught to always finish what was on my plate (a habit I still try to break) and to indulge until I was satisfied. Being so physically active, the calories in were always less than what I was burning. But as soon as I stopped ...
Once, a crazed basketball player on four different teams all at the same time, I was a girl who never worried about what she ate. If there were sweets, I ate it, burgers, ate it, 2% milk, LOVED it. My life revolved around basketball, friends, family, church, and food. I was taught to always finish what was on my plate (a habit I still try to break) and to indulge until I was satisfied. Being so physically active, the calories in were always less than what I was burning. But as soon as I stopped playing, the weight gradually started to come on.
I consider myself lucky. I never knew a childhood of being overweight and/or of being teased. Regardless, I was always aware of the kids who did. I knew because I would see them being made fun of for their weight and I felt for them. I saw how mean-spirited people in this world could be and thus learned, very early, that being fat was something that was socially unacceptable. There was one day I remember, I even asked one of my friends, "Would you still be my friend If I were fat?" Her answer? Probably not. I was 6 years old and from then on, that was where I got my motivation or rather, fear of ever getting fat from. Fast forward to my junior year in high school, I was playing basketball on the school team but was taken out due to an injury. I was out for months resting and healing but eating the same as I was while working out for basketball, 3hr workouts/5 days a week. Since Id never learned good eating habits I started gaining and this made me instantly self conscious. I knew that I had to lose the weight and for me this meant by whatever means possible.
Now, this next part is difficult. I have a hard time admitting this to myself, let alone other people, especially strangers. But part of this process is learning to be honest with the things I've done in the past to try and lose weight and that didn't work. Most importantly, learning that I cant ever go back to that place again. Back to the story, I felt embarrassed and I knew I was getting close to the "fat" I was so turned away from as a child. I felt desperate and scared. I had to do something. After exhausting what I thought were all other options, I finally resorted to smoking, using laxatives, starving-which led to binge eating, and purging. For so long, admitting this to anyone was an emotional obstacle for me because it meant that 1.) I couldn't control myself with eating and 2.) I would compromise anything, including my health, just to be thin. I still feel ashamed and embarrassed for doing these things because they are very serious and harmful to a person's body. I knew this but still, the thought of gaining too much weight was more important to me than my overall health. The saddest thing was, doing these things, never even gave me what I wanted, which was long-term weight loss. In fact, I weigh 25 pounds more than when I did in high school and I credit a lot of it to my unconventional methods.
I'm ready to move forward. That was my past and I recognize it did happen. But here's the thing, I dont ever plan on going back to those ways. Here I am, stripped of my shame, stripped of my embarrassment, in front of you, asking for help because I need it. I know I can do this, I know we can do this. Here's to losing weight the HEALTHY WAY, celebrating each success, not dwelling on our setbacks, here's to our families, here's to life! and here's to never giving up because life is too precious to waste.
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| current weight: 177.0