I hope to become as consistent as a teddy bear - just not quite as "fluffy." :-)
I just recently joined the "Never Been Skinny" team and started realizing some of the things that I've been carrying around almost all my life. It's kind of scary at times to realize how much unforgiveness is wrapped up in my weight. Sometimes I eat (and don't care) because Mom always pushed me to lose weight. Sometimes the ways she pushed me were much less than complimentary. Other times, I could tell she was doing it in love. Mom is long gone now, but her words live on in my mind. I think that keeping the weight on has sometimes been an expression of rebellion to her less-than-complimentary tactics. As someone who values words, I can often harbor negative words, allowing them to paralyze me.
But I have realized that I can DECIDE to remember the good things that she said, like, "Sis, I want you to be healthy so you don't end up like me. I want you to be able to enjoy your children. I don't want you to be able to wear my size." Mom was a 20/24 depending on the year, and she died of a heart attack at age 56. She has been gone for nearly five years now, and it has taken me this long to realize how much anger I had toward her for various things. Don't get me wrong. I loved my mother (and still do). She was just like any other mother: human.
But I have chosen to think about the good things now.
Like when we joined Weight Watchers together and were keeping track of points until I was about to go out of my mind. One night I got to the end of the day and I was hungry and felt like I was just FINISHED with even THINKING about Weight Watchers. She asked about my day, and saw the soda can that I had opened. She said, "you didn't drink all of your soda. You must have points left for a snack." I got irritated and frustrated. I was through with thinking in numbers, and I sure enough didn't feel like measuring the stupid can of soda, but she turned to the cupboard and found the measuring cup, poured my drink in it and quietly reported that I had enough points left for a good bowl of popcorn. I think she even popped it for me. Did I ever really thank her for that moment? If I didn't, I am thanking her now. Every pound I lose, I thank her for caring. Every pound I lose, I thank God for a mother who loved me.
I've uncovered other issues in this, my most recent (and I pray final) weight loss journey.
First, my weight has become a boundary.
It is the uncrossable line for single men.
Do not cross this line.
Do not worry about being interested in me.
Of COURSE I can be your friend, sir. I'm the "cute fat girl with a great personality." No one is interested in dating me, so I can be myself and be real and understand that sooner or later you're going to ask about one of my best female friends.
My weight is my defense. It allows me to enter a scene with confidence that I don't have to worry about impressing anyone.
I find comfort in my size, knowing that I don't care about what people think of me. It's an outer display of my inward laissez faire, if you will. I have no idea where that term came from, but it just popped into my head and I looked it up. It seems to fit. The secondary definition is "the practice or doctrine of noninterference in the affairs of others, esp. with reference to individual conduct or freedom of action. " That seems to fit. It's basically proof to myself that no one can control me, and that I don't CARE if I'm fat. DEAL WITH IT. Maybe I should re-phrase that. It WAS proof... I pray that all this stuff becomes past tense as I deal with it.
Be more consistent in my day-to-day eating habits.
Fit COMFORTABLY in that size 18 denim skirt again.
Wear a size 14/16 non-elastic skirt for the first time since high school.
Eventually buy (and wear!) a size 10 dress.
Weigh 150 or less
Never been married.
Never been skinny.
Wouldn't mind changing either situation! lol
I have control over one of those things, though, so here I am!
| current weight: 206.0
I hope life is going well for you! Drop by some time and say "hi."
2264 days ago
Just Dancing around SP saying hi to all my friends. Hope you had a good 4th and having a wonderful summer!
Keep on SPARKIN'!!!
2518 days ago
Hi, E! I'm trying to get my spark revved up this month. Last month was not-so-great, and I'm reaching for greatness for March. I hope you're doing well! Happy March!
2644 days ago
Hey, I saw your call for support, and if there's anything I can do, let me know.
2679 days ago
Hey, LL! Happy November! I hope all is going well with you. Things here are pretty good now that it's November. October may not be the cruelest month, but it was a little mean to me. I am just glad to be on to the next month and ready to get some positive momentum going again! I enjoyed reading your latest blog and seeing all the positive things you said. We aren't failures until we give up trying, and we won't be doing that!
Take care and stay strong,
2765 days ago