The boyfriend and I
This is me and my sister/best friend.
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Hello! My name is Holly and I am 24 years old. I will be 25 this year in July. I have 130 lbs to lose if I am to be at my eventual goal weight. I have been steadily gaining weight since I was about 19 and the bigger I get, the less I feel like it will ever go away.
A friend showed me this site and I will be eternally grateful to her for it. I have been on here for about two or three weeks now and have been focusing solely on tracking what I eat, so that I can see where I can improve. I generally already eat fairly healthy and get some decent exercise, but I think it is time to kick it up a notch or two.
When I was 19 years old, I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome which pretty much devastated me. Not only does it cause severe weight gain and the difficulty in conceiving, but weight loss is a really important part of managing it. How are you supposed to lose weight and be healthy enough to have children when you have a disease that makes it twice as hard to do so? My doctor literally told me that I would have to exercise twice as much as the average person for the rest of my life if I wanted to lose weight and maintain it. I don't know about anyone else, but I have not been able to find the time to exercise more than I do. :-( I have made the decision several times to be a healthier me but seem to always hit an emotional wall and quit. I lead a pretty high stress life and sometimes just give up.
My motivation has always been my health and the deep desire I have to produce children. I have the baby bug, and I have it BAD! Sometimes I just break down and cry thinking its hopeless and that I am helpless. Sometimes, this causes emotional stress in my relationship. I have been in a loving relationship with my man for over two years now and we both really want to get married and have children. My most recent motivation however was my sister's wedding. She asked me to be her Maid of Honor and I was ecstatic until I realized how awful I looked in my dress compared to the six other very healthy bridesmaids. I felt like a bus (the dress was bright yellow)! The whole day was very uncomfortable for me and I hated pictures. I hated them even more when I saw them. I hated the whole thing and that makes me feel bad because my sister is my best friend and I have waited my whole life to have that wonderful opportunity. At first, I didn't feel quite as bad because my other sister was a bridesmaid also and she has always been a little bit overweight her entire life though I have passed her markedly. But then, one day she decided to get into shape and became thin and healthy in what seemed like overnight. I was the only overweight girl in the wedding party after all. Even though I was vary happy for her, I was really super jealous. Not only that, but when I realized that I had to obtain a strapless bra for my dress, I had the most difficult time finding one that would fit me. I tried every store I could find including the plus-sized stores and everything was too small! I was devastated and humiliated and I got into the car and threw a complete tantrum. It was definitely a low point in my life. Needless to say, my boyfriend didn't like it much either. It was the first time in my current weight struggle that I had really worried about my physical appearance and how it has started to affect my social life. I have become somewhat of a social recluse and I have often gone as far as to describe myself as a "social disease". I can't even enjoy time with my friends anymore and often avoid big social gatherings including birthdays that are important for me to attend. I am missing out on life and tired of it! I have had my friends tell me that it's okay and they love me for me and I shouldn't worry about it, but they don't understand. While I appreciate their care, I still feel judged (perhaps an unwarranted feeling, but a feeling nonetheless). This is another source of strain on my relationship. I just want to be healthy and happy again.
The very last part of my motivation is my relationship. One of my boyfriend's friends made a comment about me when we first got together that really hurt my feelings. Before that point, I had always had confidence in myself. After that, it all went down hill. I started to have that low self-esteem. Even though at that time, I was only 260 lbs as opposed to my current 305. The more I worried about it, the more weight I gained and the more self-esteem loss I experienced. I thought my boyfriend was becoming less attracted to me as our intimacy decreased almost exponentially. AND HE WAS!! But it's not what you might think. He wasn't becoming less attracted to me because of the way I looked, he was becoming less attracted to me because of my lack of confidence and constantly putting myself down and crying over my appearance. The more I felt undesirable, the more undesirable he found me. We are deeply in love with each other, but intimacy is an important component to me and I would like to have that back. I feel that if I can just stop thinking of myself in this way, things will go back to the way they should be. My boyfriend and I have decided to try and take this journey together as he has quite a bit to lose as well.
Now that I have bared most of my soul to all of you, I do hope to find support here and accountability. I feel like I have never wanted something more.
-Manage my PCOS.
-Reach a healthy weight to have children.
-Drink A LOT more water.
-Eat things that make me feel good.
-No fast food.
-Swim every day.
-Gym three times a week.
-Go to ALL of my classes.
-Drink all my water.
-I would love to safely and healthily have children and be an adorably pregnant woman.
-I would love to be able to enjoy shopping for clothes instead of crying in the fitting rooms.
-I would love to take a bubble bath and be comfortable doing it. It would be a plus if I could do it with my special someone.
-I would love to be able to comfortably lay on my stomach. I miss the way that feels.
-I would love to learn ballroom dancing, be comfortable doing it and be good at it.
Secrets of Success
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| current weight: 325.0