Down 20 Pounds 2/27/2011
Down 10 Pounds 2/13/2011
I am just starting the website sparkpeople.com. This all seems so overwhelming and I am not sure I want anyone to know my weight and all there is to know about me. I have kept everything in side and not shared anything with many people, including my weight, which is a joke, like I am hiding from anyone how big I really am. Okay the average person that meets me may not know my weight in a number but there is no hiding I am big and not very healthy. If you don't think so, go on a walk with me. I can't walk long without loosing my breath and I have just let myself go.
I think if I just put my information out there for the whole world to see that will make me more accountable to the truth! Here goes, my heaviest weight happened on 1/12/2005, I weighed 356 pounds, I remember it like it was yesterday. I could hardly walk up three steps into my home. Okay so doing one thing or another and meeting an incredible woman named Dianne who ran a local program called People's Choice, I managed to lose a few pounds here and there. She was very supportive, she taught me that I could have chips, pizza, or even a candy bar without destroying my weight loss goals. Her therory was one day at a time, one meal at a time, 5 minutes at a time. Everything within moderation. Before if I ate any chocolate or anything good, I felt like I had failed, I was no good, I did not deserve to be smaller or healthier. So she helped me with a great deal of false information and mind sets and not thinking correctly. I used to set unreal, goals, wanting to lose to much to fast and when I did not reach them, again I was a failure. I had gotten down to 288 under Dianne's leadership and instruction and a sense of being able to do this on my own set in and I stopped going to the support meetings and weighing in, and here I am today, back up to 310! I got back to 330 and I wanted to rejoin People's Choice and have Dianne to help me again and to my surprise she had retired and is no longer having the support group so now look what I went and did. I lost the opportunity to get the help and support I need to do this. Okay so back to being at 310 on Jan. 26, 2011 and after hearing about Spark People, going to the website and committing myself to do this once and for all, no excuses, no more hiding, putting it all out there to face the music so to speak!
I need support, I have always battled with my weight, but more since I had female trouble and was in like a state of depression because of not feeling good and just being misreable with me, it has only gotten worse with age and I should not be surprised that I will be turning 50 this year and I have high blood pressure, am pre-diabetic and I am just a mess. I think sometimes I don't deserve the best me I can be. Sometimes I feel down, alone, and I think I punish myself, because in my way of thinking if I was smaller, healthier I would have more responsibility to stay that way and to be better. Yeah I know seems like twisted thinking, but trying to be honest with me and anyone else that might read this. I know if I don't make some changes I will continue being the way that I am and I don't want to be here with my weight, my health or to be the me that I am anymore. I am a nice person, I deserve to be happy and healthy, so this time with support I think I can make a difference! I know I will make the difference! I do Love Me! I am tired of not taking care of myself, I am tired of over eating and turning to food everytime something don't go well in my life, I am tired of having to buy ugly, large clothes that would make better curtains than tops. I am just TIRED! I have spent so many years in denial, pretending to be happy, always with a smile on my face but crying on the inside. The pain not only in my legs, knees and feet, but in my heart, my thoughts, my soul. Being heavy is hard, it is the one thing in this life that you can not hide from others, if you over eat, everyone knows. But no more! I refuse to continue with the destructive lifestyle, the lies, the self punishment. I Love Me and when you love someone you take care of them, you respect them, you support them, you would do anything for them! Well I am going to Love Me like I have loved others in my life, my Husband, my Kids, my Parents, my Grandparents, my Granddaughter! It's my turn to be loved and to be taken care of by Me! So now my journey, my new life begins.......
Aug 1, 2011 Update......I have fallen off the wagon. Knew better but did not stop. I quit logging into SparkPeople, I stopped exercising, eating right and taking care of me. I not only gained all my lost weight back (27 pounds) but picked up an extra 18 pounds to boot. It is like I self destruct when I see myself doing well. I don't know why or what that is, but it seems I do it over and over and over again.......So now I am picking myself up, dusting myself off and starting a new. I don't have to keep reliving this cycle. Only I can change this......
'IF IT IS TO BE IT IS UP TO ME'
Be Healthier! Get off blood pressure and diabetes meds! To feel better. To be able to run and play with my Granddaughter.
Taking one day at a time, one meal at a time. Increasing more fruits and veggies into my daily intake. I promise to read the nutrional values of any and all foods before eating them! Getting some form of exercise into my day, every day, starting slow, to work up to being able to do more physically.
| Pounds lost: 30.0