Although my battle with the bulge did not start until my early 20's, I have always had issues with my body image. I hated my body when I was a size 4 weighing 120 pounds and I hate it even more now that I am a size 24 at 340 pounds. That being said, I am finally at a point in my life where I want to feel good about myself and achieve a state of health, wellness and balance.

Being obese is both physically and emotionally exhausting. Physically because I can no longer walk without ...

Although my battle with the bulge did not start until my early 20's, I have always had issues with my body image. I hated my body when I was a size 4 weighing 120 pounds and I hate it even more now that I am a size 24 at 340 pounds. That being said, I am finally at a point in my life where I want to feel good about myself and achieve a state of health, wellness and balance.

Being obese is both physically and emotionally exhausting. Physically because I can no longer walk without being winded, bend down to tie my shoes, or cross my legs and put on my socks. Emotionally because I fear ridicule from others whenever I am in public, I cry when I go shopping and cannot find clothes that fit me properly, and develop extreme anxiety when traveling because I am embarrassed asking for a seat belt extender on a plane or worry about encroaching on the passenger sitting next to me.

I have officially hit rock bottom recently. I am traveling to Mexico in 12 days with my boyfriend, and all of my thoughts about the trip are negative and weight related. Will I need to purchase a second seat on my United Flight? Will I be able to walk throughout the city without being too winded? Will I be able to climb the many stairs to the beach and at the pyramids? Will I find myself comparing myself to the skinny fit women in their bikinis as I sit in my plus size suit from Addition Elle? All of these negative thoughts fill my head when all my boyfriend wanted to do was take me to an area of the world he loves and show me a romantic time.

I am tired. I am tired of feeling physically and emotionaly exhausted. I am tired of feeling sorry for myself. I am tired of making excuses for my problem. I am tired of trying and trying and failing. I am tired of saying "things will be different tomorrow, next week, next month, next year." I am tired of hitting rock bottom, again and again and again.

So here I am trying once again. What's different this time? I can't say I haven't been here before. But what I know now is that it won't happen over night. It won't happen in a month or even a few months. I know that this is going to be a lifetime battle. I am not going to focus on being a certain size or weight, but rather focus on making healthy choices for myself every day that I have the privlege of being alive on this earth.

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