CYBERCITYSHELL
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Me December 2015




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This is me Feb 2013 at my heaviest-120 kilos..


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I am a 52 year old kiwi and my name is Shell. I love life, people, animals, the outdoors, music, the internet and more.
I am a great believer in human and animal rights.
I have been overweight since a was a small child.
To achieve my weight loss goal I am rethinking what I am eating. Rather than eating something and then thinking, I am trying to think first. I have been overweight my whole life, so I know there is no quick fix. And I have attempted more weight loss ventures than I could possibly count. I am either being good, or not being good. Not being good is my usual state. And then I just don't restrict food. With the odd binge here and there of piggy food. Food, and what I eat, whether I am going to be "good" or not is never far from my mind. I start many days with this mindset. It sometimes gets late in the day, and I think what shall I have for breakfast. And that can depend whether there is good healthy stuff in the house or not. Also that there is not bad foods around, like chippies, ice cream, biscuits and similar things. If they are in the house I come to the conclussion that I can't lose weight with them in the house. I love fruit and veges, but piggy food taste so much better and seems to do more for my state of mind. Often I will get excited about planning to "get healthy" and I have all the good intentions in the world. Including "I will do it this time". I know I'm not a failure, coz I will never stop trying until I achieve what I want. Which of course is to get healthy, to slim down and to look good. To feel good, to look like I fit in, instead of feeling like the ugly fat woman in the crowd or walking down the street. I want to wear nice clothes and look good in what I wear. I want to be healthy, not a heart attack or stroke waiting to happen. I want people to look at me and not think "OMG" she'd be pretty if she wasn't fat. Why would she do that to herself. And people do discriminate against large people. But, they don't know my story, they don't know what I've gone through to make me live and behave this way. So, yeah I really do want to lose weight. And whether it's this year I begin the journey of losing weight for good, or next year-I will do it or die trying.
At the weight I am at I really feel very heavy. Walking has got harder, even though I've never driven and do walk. Standing still is not great on my body, I just feel so heavy.I want to show my daughter that it is worth the effort to lose weight. Because she suffers anxiety and depression and has learnt one of my coping mechanisisms. I try to talk to her and encourage her, but she sees her super large mother. If I was to start losing then she might follow my footsteps. Food is my crutch and my daughter has learnt to use food in that way too. I have a compulsive personality and if I didn't overeat I would probably use some other drug. I most likely would be a heavy drinker. I used to smoke ciggerettes, and I smoked heavily. And that is me totally, I either do something or I don't. I do things to the excess. I know my weaknesses and flaws, so I can use them to my advantage. The only one stopping me from my goal-is me.

I must blog more, as at today-23/8/16 I am actually closer to my starting weight than my ticker weight. Part of me says I should reset it to my real weight. When I got to 104 kilos that was as low as I have been for some years. But I did not stay there for very long. And as I said I am closer to my very high starting weight:( But I do feel like I would be going backwards if I set it right. However I am going to get it back there and go in the right direction.

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Member Since: 2/8/2012

Fitness Minutes: 493

My Goals:
First I want to get under 100 kilos. As I have always been very overweight I am not sure what weight I want to get down to. Getting to eighty will be a weight I have not been as an adult. But I will aim for seventy kilos and see how that works for me. I know right, I wouldn't recognise myself. I think I'd have to keep checking in the mirror to see if it's really me!! Dreams are free, but reality is real. So I really better get my reality gown on and get moving!!!


My Program:
My programme consists of healthier eating and more exercise. I have done over thirty years of yo yo dieting on and off where I was either "being good", or "not being good". I have learnt from that, that diets aren't for me. Changing my habits and lifestyle will show more permanent results. Because they will be changed habits, rather than temporary ones-as on a diet.



Personal Information:
I have been overweight since I was a small child.But I first started dieting when I was thirteen. I have been yo yo-ing ever since.
Like so many overweight people I have a history of abuse,and I also had truama and as a child I blocked feelings and situations out that I wasn't ready to handle.Being a compulsive eater to me is a side effect of my emotional state. Writing helps me in the form of therapy. Although I do really need to look into counselling. I have been working on my emotional development for many years now.


Other Information:
I love people, animals,the outdoors,
the computer,
writing,human and animal rights,music,honesty etc. I look forward to catching up on doing so many things that being overweight has held me up from doing-mostly due to my low self esteem.And embarrassment. I know that being overweight does add discrimination. And that is one reason I have avoided some situations. But most my fear is due to childhood abuse and traumatic circumstances.Life's had it's ups and downs for me, but I enjoy the mundane as well as the unexpected.Life was never meant to be about plain sailing-well for some maybe.But reaching goals is a great strength builder. I have tried and failed so many times. But I keep going because I know that I will get there in the end. And I am going to make that goal happen instead of letting it fail.So determination is very important to me.




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