hey there

i am 19 1/2 yo and i've been struggling with my weight my whole life. the first time i went to a dietician i was 8 yo. at this age, i realised, of course, that i was bigger than other girls my age, and i felt bad, in some way, but everybody kept telling me "o, you'll get taller and you'll shed the weight, it happens with a lot of people" along with "you have to cut on food missy otherwise you won't be able to lose weight as you're getting older and older" . basically my ...

hey there

i am 19 1/2 yo and i've been struggling with my weight my whole life. the first time i went to a dietician i was 8 yo. at this age, i realised, of course, that i was bigger than other girls my age, and i felt bad, in some way, but everybody kept telling me "o, you'll get taller and you'll shed the weight, it happens with a lot of people" along with "you have to cut on food missy otherwise you won't be able to lose weight as you're getting older and older" . basically my whole childhood was shadowed by the order "LOSE WEIGHT!", when i hardly knew what this meant or how you do it. it was just annoying to be told by everyone that obviously, you weren't as attractive as the other slim,fairy looking girls of my age. but i could still wear my girlie skirts with no shame. until i came to be 9 yo, when it all spiralled out of control. i put on really quickly a great load of pounds. 20-30 kgs in a year. i became obese. and from then on, i would gain a steady 10 kgs per year. i grew up into a 15 1/2 yo girl who carried 155 kgs. and then my mother decided she could take no more of me and she took me to some specialists. expensive ones i might as well add. i stopped going to school for a whole week so that we could see one doctor after another in the capital city of my country. it tooks us 3 different medical fields to decide what was wrong with me. it turned out (after months of testing) that i had Hashimoto thyroid disease and polycystic ovaries. so they gave me a diet, that was sooooo different from my usual food choices. and it was hard. as hard as taking a cold bath outside in winter Greenland, but I did it anyway. i shed 50 kgs in 10 months, most of the time with the help of Reductil medicine, until i said "i can do this on my own from now on". and i cut it out. and a few weeks later they abolished it anyway cause they found it could be dangerous for the heart.
that was 2-3 years ago. although i never stopped dieting ever after (well, not until this year), i suddenly stopped losing weight, no matter my tries. i gradually gained back 10 kgs and this year i even reached 124 kgs. my clothes hardly fit me now and i am very worried i'm gonna gain all the weight back. well, the truth is i intentionally let myself free this year. i thought that if i loose up a little and increase my fat intake, i would probably restart losing weight as fast as a few years ago, when i start dieitng again.
i want to reach 60 to 65 kgs some day. i got as far as 105 kgs but i'm no longer proud for myself. my new try starts just now, this very moment.
this time i know where i'm gonna stick up. to the "i can't lose no more" stage. this time i know that the key is more exercise and even smaller portions.
so,

i'm gonna take on the french way of eating a handful of food every 2 or 3 hours, cause it's gonna help with eating less while believing you're eating more
i'm gonna persist on veganism cause it just feels great.
i'm gonna keep on preparing my meals at home, cause it means all variety, taste and portion control.
i'm gonna stick on vegetable soups as a treat or last meal cause i just love them.
i'm gonna cut down on watching movies at night, so that i won't be tempted to eat more in this sensitive stage.
i'm gonna drink gallons of water whenever i'm feeling hungry but have no more calories available, so that i won't feel it.
and the hardest one, i'm gonna stick to the exercise program provided by the spark coach and i'm even gonna take up pilates classes, something i've always liked, but never dared to step into that class for fear of others seeing the ball of fat i have instead of a decent body.

but there's something even harder than that. i know i won't shed off 5 kgs a month like i used to do. i know it's only gonna be a few grams per week from now on. i will be lucky if it is 2 kgs a month, actually. so now, i must f o r g e t i'm trying to lose weight, hide the scale for the next 6 months and just do my thing, till i drop off size after size, hopefully reaching my ideal one. someday, in a few years. this time i now it. and i also know that a few grams per week add up to a 15-20 kg loss per year. so it's not nothing like i used to think. it's just even harder: this time i'm having the cold bath while i've been skinned off.

but at least this time i now exactly how it feels.

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