Ever since I was a child ive had an unhealthy relationship with food. Having sweets or a pudding as a treat of my parents for being good. My weight continued to go up in secondary school as I would have a school brought lunch, and not knowing anything about what was good for you I would opt for burger and chips and a pudding.
Id always been bullied since junior school aged 8 because of my ginger hair and height, althouh I wasnt a giant I was tallest in my class. So by the time I reached secondary school I became very shy , constantly worrying what other people thought of me. However that first year in secondary school was actually ok I was free of the bullying for the first time. People in my year were now getting to know one another forming their social groups. But my crippling shyness and blushing coupled with my increasing weight did me no favours. Although I had a few friends I was generally a loner, and gradually I was picked on again a comment hear and there from practically the whole year group. I call it the snow ball effect, one person comments and then 2 people who will egg on another 4 and so on. However trust me I would comment back I would not just stand there and take it, to everyone else I was probably unbreakable but the more I stood up for myself the worse it got. The school were rubbish I told the teacher once and my mom even visited un beknown to me to ask if I was being bullied and to express her concerns as I would contastantly make excuses that I was ill in order to not have to attend school. In actual fact most days I just could not face the barrage of abuse. All it achieved was for the deputy head to have a word with the group of lads who were responsible at the time, but all in all the teachers would turn a blind eye. The more I got bullied the more I grew a shell - a lovely shell made of a layer of fat that protected me. Of course I didnt want it depressed the hell out of me, but subconciously I think I was keeping it there. At age 14 and an all time low I started a cycle of binge eating or starve myself . By now id learned a little bit more about healthy eating but that wasnt good enough my weight disgusted me, my confidence and self esteem were rock bottom, food was my enemy , food was doing this. This was the one thing I could now control however id lose half a stone in a few weeks, only to not be able to continue and then binge on food then be laughed at by the bullies. Eventually I just went back to eating and thought sod it I really dont care anymore this is me nothings gonna change not long until I leave school now. Then that day came in our last year, the day I remember like yesterday all those 18 years ago. This was the day one of the lads concerned now turned physical and pushed me. I just snapped and attempted to batter him, (I say attempt because I could not punch for the life of me more like slapped him hard! ) with my form teacher just stood watching through the window feet away. Allll those years of hell he and the rest of them had put me through just poured out of me, no longer would I be this victim I was not going to take it anymore. Finally those last 6 months of school apart from the odd comment I was now free of the bullying, students were far more concerned with getting a good grade. For me however due to all he time of school I had due to being bullied I just managed to scrape a good grade in a few subjects.
Finally aged 17 I joined my first slimming club and now I really stared to learn properly about healthy eating. This is now where the cycle of every diet begins from slimming clubs. You see deep routed within me I always had in my subconscious this im not good enough im going to fail, the emotional scars from my bullying days were still there. So with this I would never give my 100% commitment to food. Whenever I had a bad day id think ive blown it now. Desperate for a quick fix id try shakes, or slmming pills, contour wraps but its always a cycle never the end in site.
Then whenever anyhing bad happended in my life out would come the old comfort eating. You can have all the experts in the world giving you advise you know you comfort eat and have strategies to deal with it, but because this is so ingrained in your psyche it doesnt change.
On the plus side something stuck as I managed to keep my weight at around 12stone 7lb but never lost.
Then bam 2005 I was rushed into hospital and diagnosed with TTP a life threatening blood disorder. I had to have an emergency blood transfusion and plasma exchange. After being given a high dose of steroids my weight increased to 14 stones/182 pounds.
Steroids are like the diet devil because they literally switch off your hunger signals as they take over the function of your thyroid gland. Luckily after finishin the steroids I got my weight back down to 14 but here it stabilised for he next 4 years.
In 2009 I was then diagnosed with Lupus an autoimmune disease and yet more Steroids! This time however more than ever I comfort ate, food was my clutch and surely enough I put o another 31 pounds/ 2stone 7.
Having Lupus has really changed my life it made me put everything into perspective, suddenly all those little hings you worried about no longer matter . Finally ivecome to terms having this illness and now in remission along with the support of family, friends and his site I can really tackle my weight for the final time.
This time its different I no longer feel I need that shell. YOu literally have to reset the tape in your head and start saying I am good enough im not a failure, I dont need that shell anymore I want the new slim shiny me, the more confident me. Im not that shy child with no self esteem or confidence, I am a strong woman who can face the world head on!
I have 6 stone to lose, and I want to be able to walk into any clothes shop and choose what I like, knowing they will look good! BEing the size I am you are restricted in what you can where and where you can shop. I want to feel fitter and healthier. I now have the added motivation of being a slim bride in 2014!
Ensuring I keep within m calories combined with exercise I enjoy is going to help me get there!
Im currently a qualified level 2 Reiki Practitioner, and enjoy studying alternative therapies. I love films, music and ravelling and exploring new places.
Next year I hope to have my business up and running properly and can then also continue wih my bridal makeup.
| current weight: 464.0
Hello and Welcome to Sparks!
If there is any way I can help, just let me know!
1488 days ago
1489 days ago
WELCOME TO SPARK!!!
Congrats on taking the first step into changing your life to a more healthier one by joining the site. Spark is filled with amazing people that will motivate, support and encourage you on your journey. There is so much to learn and discover here, take this one day at a time. A couple of things I would like to suggestion to make you Spark experience a great one.
1. Make goals for yourself. Each month I make a list of what I want to accomplish that month and break them down to smaller goals to work with week by week. This way the BIG picture doesn't seem so big.
2. Join Spark teams. There are tons of teams here and you will be able to find ones that fit to what you like or want in a team.
The key to success here is to be active and you've already started by joining. You will find that everyone is willing to help you out if you need it. Spark friends are here for support, motivation and encouragement. Good luck on your journey to a healthier lifestyle! Again, welcome to the SP family!
*~ Paula *~
1489 days ago
Welcome to spark people. This is a great site full of many tools to use. By joining a few teams you will get support and motivation from other members. Good luck with your goals.
1489 days ago
Welcome to SparkPeople. I am so glad that you found us. There is a lot of information here and the best tools to help you reach your goals.
I have been on SparkPeople since April 2009 and I have lost a total of 30 pounds since I have been watching what I eat. Are there days when I eat stuff that I know I shouldn’t – of course. This is a life long journey, one with many paths to take. I just have to keep making the right choices and when I don’t, I get back on the right path and don’t look back.
The encouragement and motivation I get from my Spark friends is amazing. They are always there to help me through tough times and bring a smile to my face. I have found that if I post something that is bothering me, within an hour someone will respond back and make sure everything is alright and offer encouragement.
Being new, I would suggest that you use Your Spark Points (click on View SparkPoints) as a map to the site. It is a good way to see what is new and a great tool for any situation.
My other suggestion is to get on a few teams. Make sure that when you are checking out a team that you look to see if there has been recent activity. If you join a team where there is no activity, chance are that you will not get the support and encouragement you need. You are more than welcome to check out my team, Spin Me A Yarn. It is a small team but it is active and I always try to find new topics to talk about.
Best of luck on your journey and I hope it is a successful one.
1489 days ago