Ever since I was a child ive had an unhealthy relationship with food. Having sweets or a pudding as a treat of my parents for being good. My weight continued to go up in secondary school as I would have a school brought lunch, and not knowing anything about what was good for you I would opt for burger and chips and a pudding.
Id always been bullied since junior school aged 8 because of my ginger hair and height, althouh I wasnt a giant I was tallest in my class. So by the time I reached secondary school I became very shy , constantly worrying what other people thought of me. However that first year in secondary school was actually ok I was free of the bullying for the first time. People in my year were now getting to know one another forming their social groups. But my crippling shyness and blushing coupled with my increasing weight did me no favours. Although I had a few friends I was generally a loner, and gradually I was picked on again a comment hear and there from practically the whole year group. I call it the snow ball effect, one person comments and then 2 people who will egg on another 4 and so on. However trust me I would comment back I would not just stand there and take it, to everyone else I was probably unbreakable but the more I stood up for myself the worse it got. The school were rubbish I told the teacher once and my mom even visited un beknown to me to ask if I was being bullied and to express her concerns as I would contastantly make excuses that I was ill in order to not have to attend school. In actual fact most days I just could not face the barrage of abuse. All it achieved was for the deputy head to have a word with the group of lads who were responsible at the time, but all in all the teachers would turn a blind eye. The more I got bullied the more I grew a shell - a lovely shell made of a layer of fat that protected me. Of course I didnt want it depressed the hell out of me, but subconciously I think I was keeping it there. At age 14 and an all time low I started a cycle of binge eating or starve myself . By now id learned a little bit more about healthy eating but that wasnt good enough my weight disgusted me, my confidence and self esteem were rock bottom, food was my enemy , food was doing this. This was the one thing I could now control however id lose half a stone in a few weeks, only to not be able to continue and then binge on food then be laughed at by the bullies. Eventually I just went back to eating and thought sod it I really dont care anymore this is me nothings gonna change not long until I leave school now. Then that day came in our last year, the day I remember like yesterday all those 18 years ago. This was the day one of the lads concerned now turned physical and pushed me. I just snapped and attempted to batter him, (I say attempt because I could not punch for the life of me more like slapped him hard! ) with my form teacher just stood watching through the window feet away. Allll those years of hell he and the rest of them had put me through just poured out of me, no longer would I be this victim I was not going to take it anymore. Finally those last 6 months of school apart from the odd comment I was now free of the bullying, students were far more concerned with getting a good grade. For me however due to all he time of school I had due to being bullied I just managed to scrape a good grade in a few subjects.
Finally aged 17 I joined my first slimming club and now I really stared to learn properly about healthy eating. This is now where the cycle of every diet begins from slimming clubs. You see deep routed within me I always had in my subconscious this im not good enough im going to fail, the emotional scars from my bullying days were still there. So with this I would never give my 100% commitment to food. Whenever I had a bad day id think ive blown it now. Desperate for a quick fix id try shakes, or slmming pills, contour wraps but its always a cycle never the end in site.
Then whenever anyhing bad happended in my life out would come the old comfort eating. You can have all the experts in the world giving you advise you know you comfort eat and have strategies to deal with it, but because this is so ingrained in your psyche it doesnt change.
On the plus side something stuck as I managed to keep my weight at around 12stone 7lb but never lost.
Then bam 2005 I was rushed into hospital and diagnosed with TTP a life threatening blood disorder. I had to have an emergency blood transfusion and plasma exchange. After being given a high dose of steroids my weight increased to 14 stones/182 pounds.
Steroids are like the diet devil because they literally switch off your hunger signals as they take over the function of your thyroid gland. Luckily after finishin the steroids I got my weight back down to 14 but here it stabilised for he next 4 years.
In 2009 I was then diagnosed with Lupus an autoimmune disease and yet more Steroids! This time however more than ever I comfort ate, food was my clutch and surely enough I put o another 31 pounds/ 2stone 7.
Having Lupus has really changed my life it made me put everything into perspective, suddenly all those little hings you worried about no longer matter . Finally ivecome to terms having this illness and now in remission along with the support of family, friends and his site I can really tackle my weight for the final time.
This time its different I no longer feel I need that shell. YOu literally have to reset the tape in your head and start saying I am good enough im not a failure, I dont need that shell anymore I want the new slim shiny me, the more confident me. Im not that shy child with no self esteem or confidence, I am a strong woman who can face the world head on!
I have 6 stone to lose, and I want to be able to walk into any clothes shop and choose what I like, knowing they will look good! BEing the size I am you are restricted in what you can where and where you can shop. I want to feel fitter and healthier. I now have the added motivation of being a slim bride in 2014!
Ensuring I keep within m calories combined with exercise I enjoy is going to help me get there!
Im currently a qualified level 2 Reiki Practitioner, and enjoy studying alternative therapies. I love films, music and ravelling and exploring new places.
Next year I hope to have my business up and running properly and can then also continue wih my bridal makeup.
| current weight: 464.0
Welcome I wish you success on your journey to a healthy lifestyle.
1194 days ago
and to the Motivation, etc. Team! (It's way too much to write!!) ! Wishing you much success in your future endeavors!
1453 days ago
to the Motivation & Positive Attitude team! We're happy to have you join us!
Please stop by and introduce yourself. I'm looking forward to seeing you there and getting to know you!
Have a great week!
1453 days ago
Welcome to SparkPeople!
Are you competitive by nature? One of my daily goals is to hit 100 SparkPoints. When I do that, I've not only read articles, I've interacted with other members by reading and commenting on their blogs and writing my own blog. 100 points gets me here and gets me active each and every day.
When I started, I made the commitment to workout daily and write a blog about it. On days when I don't feel like doing it, I think about the blog I need to write and I certainly do NOT want to write that I was lazy and did not work out.
Maintain your goals on your SparkPage (that's what all the goal-setting gurus write about) and make the goals public on your page. Write about it on your blog every day.
Weight loss = calorie maintenance, cardio, and strength. Calorie maintenance is every day, cardio is at least five days per week, and strength is 3 to 4 days per week. I believe you need all three for a successful weight loss and fitness program.
Above all, be consistent. Doing something toward you goal every day will pay big rewards over the next few months or a year. You can do this!
1490 days ago
Hi and welcome to Sparks with Lupus! Please join us on our daily thread, we would love to get to know you and help in any way we can.
1491 days ago