My son Mike and his 1971 Mustang Fast Back....
My son Chris. We miss him so much- he crossed over (died) 1/04/02 from a snowmobile accident.
ARTINA4 is a SparkPeople Motivator!
I am a 47 year old mother of two sons and I gained a lot of weight after the death (1/4/02) of my 19 year old- first born son- whom is the light of my life. I also have a 24 year old living son who just finished college and moved out with his high school sweetheart and is now married to her- he too is the light of my life. I have been married for 31 years, to my high school sweetheart whom I love, respect, and want to live a long life with.
Grief is a difficult emotion to deal with and extra weight makes living in this world that much more difficult. There are some things in life that we have control over and our weight is one of them. I no longer want to be a victim to something that I am doing to myself.... It's time to lose ALL the extra weight.
I joined Sparkpeople in March of 2007, and since January 2007, I have lost between 95 and 99 pounds . I feel sooo much better.... the walls that were closing in on me have released their grip. If losing this much weight can make me feel that much better.... than why not do it? I want to be the BEST me that I can be. I owe myself that.
~THE RIGHT QUESTIONS~
1. WILL THIS CHOICE PROPEL ME FORWARD TO AN INSPIRING FUTURE OR WILL IT KEEP ME STUCK IN THE PAST?
2. WILL THIS CHOICE BRING ME LONG-TERM FULFILLMENT, OR WILL IT ONLY BRING ME SHORT-TERM GRATIFICATION?
3. AM I STANDING IN MY POWER OR AM I LOOKING TO PLEASE ANOTHER?
4. AM I LOOKING FOR WHAT'S RIGHT OR AM I LOOKING FOR WHAT'S WRONG?
5. WILL THIS CHOICE ADD TO MY LIFE FORCE OR WILL IT ROB ME OF MY ENERGY?
6. WILL I USE THIS SITUATION AS A CATALYST TO GROW AND EVOLVE, OR WILL I USE IT TO BEAT MYSELF UP?
7. DOES THIS CHOICE ENPOWER ME OR DOES IT DIS-EMPOWER ME?
8. IS THIS AN ACT OF SELF-LOVE OR IS IT AND ACT OF SELF-SABOTAGE?
9. IS THIS AN ACT OF FAITH OR IS IT AN ACT OF FEAR?
10. AM I CHOOSING FROM MY DIVINITY OR AM I CHOOSING FROM MY HUMANITY?
~In Memory of Christopher~
It looked like an ordinary, wooden door, unique only in the fact that it had no knob. As I saw him walking toward it, my hands turned clammy with fear. He must have seen the shadow across the door, but carried on, undaunted. Looking back over his shoulder, he tossed me a small, wistful smile. It was hauntingly familiar, that smile, and strongly reminded me of another time � and another door.
It was his first day of school, and he had been childishly insistent that I stay outside the classroom door. I tried to argue, but he was firm: "Go back, mommy," he said, "you can�t come with me. I�m a big boy now, and I�m going to be just fine." He was only five, but so fiercely independent. Much too young to leave me, of course, but I had to let him go. As I stole a last, brief hug, he smiled at me; a brave, wistful smile that tugged at my heartstring. A moment later, the door swung shut behind him. Against my better judgment, I groped for the doorknob. There was none. It must be on the other side. To discourage over-protective mothers from following, I thought wryly to myself. Standing hesitantly before the door, my eyes were suddenly drawn to the tiny, rectangular window near the top. How could I have missed it? Cupping my eye with a trembling hand, I peered in.
It was a delightful room. Large, colorful, animal and bird posters lined the walls. The desks were shiny, blonde pine, and blue nap mats were scattered across the floor. In a far corner of the room, open cupboards were laden with blocks and toys. Along another wall, sturdy oak shelves groaned beneath their burden of brightly colored children�s books. My heart lightened. I knew my child could be happy in that room. To reassure myself, I shifted my eye a fraction of an inch to expand my vision. There he was, his little hand firmly clasped in his teacher�s hand. She steered him toward a group of noisy, laughing children, and as I caught a glimpse of his eager, animated face, I knew he was going to be fine; just as he had said. In time, he would undoubtedly welcome me to his classroom, eager to show off his new friends and share his newfound wisdom and knowledge. In good time. I could wait now that I knew he was happy!
And now, another door without a knob. Far more terrifying! The wistful smile lingered in the air as he walked through the door and out of sight. It swung shut behind him with a final, dull thud. He was only nineteen; much too young to leave me, of course. I lunged at the door, but it wouldn�t budge. I frantically groped for the knob; then remembered there was none. I was momentarily stunned, but anger soon came to my rescue. I began to hammer at the door with my fists. The knob must be on the other side. Someone was bound to hear me. Nobody would keep me from my son. Nobody. In what seemed like another lifetime, I had read King David�s chant in the Old Testament: "I shall go to him, but he shall not return to me." David had deeply mourned the loss of his child, but took great comfort in the fact that one day they would be together again. I could not exist on this side of the door if my child was on the other side; therefore, I would go to him! I would hammer my way in. Bargain my way in. Weep my way in. Whatever it took. My knuckles became raw with effort, but I welcomed the pain. It was nothing compared to the pain I felt inside. I would break down this door if it took my last ounce of strength. I continued to pound, to bargain, to weep � without response. All too soon, I found myself slumped against the door, physically and emotionally spent.
Wearily, I examined every inch of the door. It was still impenetrable, but in my anguish, I had overlooked the tiny, rectangular window near the top. Or, perhaps it hadn�t been there before. Whoever had created the door was surely capable of adding a window whenever. He thought the time was right. I straightened up, and peered through the thick, opaque glass. If it had been any thinner or clearer, the light from within would surely have blinded me. As my eyes adjusted, I gaped in wonder. Golden sunlight rippled through a meadow of waving, blue flowers, like the shimmering ebb and flow of ocean waves. Walking toward me� without crushing a single petal were two men dressed in white. It wasn�t difficult to ascertain the identity of the One; His entire Being was encompassed in brilliant, white light. Neither was it difficult to ascertain the identity of the other, for I would recognize my son anywhere. But, oh! He was so changed. Always handsome, he was now radiant; dazzling. His eyes, almost as vividly blue as the flowers beneath his feet, brimmed with love and compassion. Stretching out his fingers as though to brush away my tears, he spoke with infinite tenderness: "Go back, mom," he said gently, "you can�t come with me. I�m a big boy now, and I�m going to be just fine." He turned away and firmly clasped the hand of his beloved new Teacher. Together, they disappeared into the glorious, blue meadow.
I felt an indescribable peace descend upon my heart. I knew my child could be happy in that place. In time, he would undoubtedly welcome me to his kingdom, eager to show off his new friends and share his newfound wisdom and knowledge. When the door without the knob would open for me. In God�s time. I could wait now that I knew he was happy!
Long term goal:
Eating between 1000-1200 calories all in low fat (naturally) and low calories. I eat whole grains, fruit, veg's, and lean meats. I make all my favorite recipes, that I have always eaten, low in fat and low in calories. I enjoy recreating my favorite dishes and I enjoy looking for foods that allow me to eat more- for less calories.
I exercise 5-7 days a week for no less than 30 minutes.
Some of the types of exercise I do: I work out to the BL workout video and do some yoga and walking. I try to workout everyday for at least 30 minutes. I am adding in some step aerboic this year (2009) to change things up.
I love to read non-fiction and my favorite book is, "A Life After Death"- by S. Ralph Harlow.
| current weight: 174.0