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I have an older Sparkpage and I was doing well, but it's kind of embarassing that I began to fail, so I decided to do it over. The other page was happy and successful, and now I feel that it no longer reflects who I am. I hope to one day surpass the person I became, but I'm in a much different, much darker place, and, in my experience, when darkness falls on a person's life, people sun from that person rather than to them. So this is my rock bottom, my pit to crawl out of, my pathetic beginning. Deep down in this pit, it seems like there is very little light, very little positivity and only a flicker of hope, but a flicker is a flicker. While this place is pathetic and dark, I have my reasons. Those reasons have become excuses.

I'm a newlywed, which should mean that I'm on top of the world, but I'm at rock bottom instead. The week after we married, we got pregnant on our honeymoon. I lost the baby. I blame myself although people tell me it wasn't my fault. Then a few weeks after the miscarriage, I learned that my husband had cheated on me before we got married. Not cheated in the physical sense, but he was sexting other women and had an AFF account. Two of my girlfriends got pregnant at about the same time as me, and my best friend is obsessed with having a baby, so it's hard to talk to them right now, and I can't talk to my family.

I've been getting sick often and the thing that motivated me to lose all the weight I lost before my wedding, high cholesterol and a family history of heart disease and diabetes, seems to be rearing its ugly head again. I let go of myself a bit these last few months, stressing about money and worrying about conceiving, and just not feeling any motivation to do anything. I continued going through the motions at the gym, but every week, it seems that things my body could do a few months ago, now seem to injure me and hurt me easily. I'm afraid my trainer is going to drop me, and today someone suggested all of these physical symptoms are related.... I didn't put it together until I saw a commercial, but now I think I know the answer and I'm hoping to find people who are like me. People who may not have it easy, who might be struggling with more than they think they can handle, but people with a spark of hope, who are determined, even when they don't feel like it, to pick themselves up and be stronger.

So I came here to start over and to try to battle what I'm pretty sure now is depression.

Oh.... you're still reading? You're still here? Maybe you have what it takes to be my friend afterall. If this didn't scare you away, maybe there's hope yet.

Member Since: 12/17/2012

My Goals:
Overcome depression
Regain control over my life
Get back on track to weight loss
Lose 65 lbs from 193 to 128
Manage pain
Get healthy enough to have healthy children.
Improve my marriage
Be happy in my career
Get more sleep
Improve my memory
Feel beautiful

My Program:
Well, this is a start. : )
I've been going to a gym and working with a trainer for over a year now. I lost about 60 lbs, but gained back nearly half of it in under 6 months.

I'm trying to get back onto a healthier meal plan. I talked to my trainer and set a goal.

Personal Information:
I've gone through some pretty rough challenges this year. What should have been a wonderful honeymoon period was cut short with a tragedy and conflict and my husband and I are working to strengthen our marriage and overcome some of these setbacks.

Other Information:
I'm a gamer girl. I channel some of my anger and stress into games like World of Warcraft and Borderlands 2.

If I have time, I'm addicted to these shows:
Big Bang Theory
King of the Nerds
Once Upon a Time

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    Welcome to SparkPeople =]

    It's great to have you here!!
    If you need any advice or any support at all - feel free to message me!!

    1753 days ago