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Garden Gnome


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On paper, my plans for recovery might look easy.
Eat without restricting.
Eat without fasting.
Eat without taking diet pills.
Eat without taking laxatives.
Eat without bulimia.
Eat without over exercising afterwards.
Eat without crying.
Eat without anorexic thoughts.

Except, I hadn't eaten a meal without doing any of those "behaviors" in 6-7 years.

I am in recovery from anorexia nervosa, purge type. I had tried to recover before but it always ended in failure.

During June 2009, I quit my job and began to work on recovery. I was suppose to go from 91-109.

In the beginning, I cried after eating because it felt like torture. Most of the time, I felt physically drained and I fell asleep right after eating. There were other times that it hurt too much to be still.

During recovery, my only accomplishments involved walking to the kitchen table, eating breakfast, crying, resting, and repeating the process two more times for lunch and dinner.


Most days, I have the eating part down but I still hesitate and there are some foods like mayo and butter that i'm not ready to eat.

I haven't let go of all the eating disordered thoughts that felt so right.

I've also had to put away my size double zero pants. The hardest part is that I still can't gauge my size. I fit in 1's and 3's but in my mind, I feel like i've grown twice in size.

I still entertain the eating disordered thoughts and sometimes I come dangerously close to engaging in the behaviors.

Every now and then, the urge and need to addict in the behaviors becomes unbearably loud.

Choosing to relapse or recover is a daily choice.

Recovery doesn't wipe away all the eating disordered thoughts.

I am also weight restored now; sometimes my weight dips down. I have slowly been given back the freedom of planning my meals, cooking my food and selecting the ingredients.

After all these months, my blood pressure is still low. I get tired easily and I have to sit back down.

I was diagnosed with gastritis on May 2010 and I am on medication.
(I wrote most of my blogs before recovery.)

Member Since: 5/19/2007

Fitness Minutes: 4,362

My Goals:
There is never a sudden revelation, a complete and tidy explanation

for why it happened, or why it ends, or why or who you are.

You want one and I
want one, but there isn't one. It comes in bits and pieces, and you stitch them together wherever they fit,

and when you are done you hold yourself up, and still there are holes and you are a rag doll, invented, imperfect.

And yet you are all that you have, so you must be enough. There is no other way.”

-Wasted, Marya Hornbacher

My Program:
When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be. - Lao Tzu

Leave all your love and your longing behind--You can't carry it with you if you want to survive -F. Welsh

Personal Information:
It’s not the act of eating that leaves me immobile;

afraid that the tiny thread that tethers and keeps me sane and functioning,

It’s the extremes, between the emptiness and satiety, the wanting and denying, the amplification of thoughts and suppressed actions.

The acceptance and disappointment, that maybe I was never in control and that I can't do this by myself


Other Information:
I am no longer under the minimum requirement for my age and height. I am working on recovery from disordered eating including anorexia, purging disorder, exercise
bulimia, laxative, diet pill overuse and restrictive eating.

Read More About AILEBBELIA - Profile Information moved here. (Updated February 27)

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    I like reading what you have to say in your posts, so I added you as a friend. I hope that's okay but please let me know if you'd rather I deleted you from my page. :)
    2183 days ago
  • v WOOBIE0902
    Thank you so much for your thoughtfulness Ailebbeelia, you have been such abn inspiration with your determination and decication to to recovery.

    Hope all is well with you my friend. emoticon
    2213 days ago
    I saw you mention recovery from ana on a message board post, and I wanted to say thanks for being brave enough to embark on recovery, and for sharing your journey here on SP.

    I've battled on and off with ED and EDNOS for years - it's so mentally and emotionally challenging to lose weight the right way after struggling so long with EDs, but I just want to encourage you to keep fighting the good fight to stay healthy and strong.
    2231 days ago
    What a beautiful way to help others by sharing your story on here! My sister suffered from 3 of the same disorders as yourself and I had a friend who never has conquered the diseases.
    Good luck on your continued journey!

    Ps saw you like Jillian Michales too! I'm a huge fan of her dvds have them all. The no more troubke zones is my favorite!
    2234 days ago

    Comment edited on: 1/8/2012 11:24:33 PM
    thank you so very much for the advice on the lowering carb post i placed. i really like the cabbage idea and i promise to try it soon. do you cook the cabbage or do you eat it raw?
    2269 days ago
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