"I'd rather be lonely ALONE than lonely in a relationship (hope you got that)"
YES! I get that completely! I left once before 13 years ago...but I left looking for a better relationship, and when I didn't find one I came crawling back. This time I realized the mere fact that I was OK with being ALONE forever, if that's what it took to finally be happy, I realized I was ready to really let go of what I thought we could have been.
I finally told him that today. I told him I wouldn't rush to file divorce papers. I told him I would wait the full year separation to file a no-fault divorce in our state. I would give him that year to figure himself out...but I wasn't going to change our arrangement in any way while he did that. Because I need too much to work on me right now. I just NEED that. And if he loves me the way he's claiming to, he'll respect that need and actually PREFER that I take that time for myself.
The line you said above...I said that a year ago when we started counseling. I said it again to my counselor after the split in April. We went thorugh pros/cons of splitting together. And finally I looked at her when we were done and said, "None of that matters...because the one thing that trumps all of this is that this split is HONEST. Finally. It's me being HONEST about my life. I've been alone for 20 years. Now I'm actually alone and the world can see it. It feels good to finally be HONEST."
GAH! So glad I have friends like you guys to talk this through with! Thank you for the support! Honestly! Whether or not this year changes anything, at least it will help me get well and then his actions, together or apart, will not impact me the way I've allowed them to for the past 20 years. 662 days ago