CMUSHKA8   2,512
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AN ATHELETE IN A FAT GIRL'S BODY

UGH! THE STRUGGLE! WILL IT EVER END?
Hi, Thanks for visiting. I'm Clara. I have been overweight almost all my life. I was chunky as a child and into my teen years. I lost close to 60 lbs at one point. I felt fantastic. I was down to 128 lbs and I was running between 5-10 miles a day. AND I was one of those crazies who LOVED IT. But, when I moved, I got out of my routine and over the past 18 yrs slowly gained it all back. I'm really lucky, because I'm 5'6" and weigh 186 lbs, but I ...
UGH! THE STRUGGLE! WILL IT EVER END?
Hi, Thanks for visiting. I'm Clara. I have been overweight almost all my life. I was chunky as a child and into my teen years. I lost close to 60 lbs at one point. I felt fantastic. I was down to 128 lbs and I was running between 5-10 miles a day. AND I was one of those crazies who LOVED IT. But, when I moved, I got out of my routine and over the past 18 yrs slowly gained it all back. I'm really lucky, because I'm 5'6" and weigh 186 lbs, but I know I don't look near that heavy. My body hides it well, however, it doesn't make me feel any better. I have fought with myself for so long with how I look and how 'fat' I am and how unacceptable it makes me. I have tried so hard to fix "the problem" of being fat thinking that it would make me "happy" to be skinny. I've been obsessed with it. But the truth is, even if I was skinny, I probably wouldn't be happy. I'd probably find something else to give me a reason to not accept myself. I have struggled, fought, cried, thrown temper tantrums, starved. I have tried to beat myself into submission. I've have yo-yo'ed on so many diets. I've been ridiculously strict, and conversely just as lax. I've covered the spectrum. Forget about "Been there, done that- got the T shirt". I've been there and done that so often that I decided to get it tatooed on my right butt cheek. Aaaaaaand, to add insult to injury I also have had some medical issues thrown in there now that I'm older which seem to make it extra hard to get the unwanted poundage off. But, in light of all of this, I have hope. My body works pretty much like anyone else's body for the most part. It's time to stop making excuses (even though some may be legitimate) and it's time to start working. It's time to call myself on the carpet when I think "just give up, it's too hard, just stop, you won't change, you never change, why bother? You'll just go right back to doing what you're not supposed to do, you're a failure." It's time to call all those things exactly what they are: lies. It's time to stop telling myself that I can't do it, when the truth is I can. It's time to grit my teeth, even when I am tired and push myself one step further. It's time to do 1 more crunch past what I thought I could do, do one last rep- even after I've finished just because I can....because- well, I'm worth it. And those of you who happen to stumble on my page and are reading this- I feel like I need to tell you this.... I'm not the only one who's worth the effort. YOU'RE WORTH IT TOO.
Read More About CMUSHKA8 (Updated June 19)




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Member Since: 6/9/2009

SparkPoints: 2,512

Fitness Minutes: 3,189

My Goals:
Loose 73 lbs

Start running again.



My Program:
Starting over....yet again.

Joined Kosama. Going there 5 X a week. Watching every morsel I put in my mouth. Let's see what happens....

Personal Information:
I Live in Kansas City
Born and raised in Massachusettes.

I have two dogs and a cat, a fantastic husband who loves me just as I am and supports all I do.

Other Information:
There's a fine line between sanity and lunacy. I've erased that line and found that I'm floating in the nebulous area in between.

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Member Comments:
LABRATIAM
11/24/2012 8:51:16 AM

I hope you had a Wonderful holiday! emoticon

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DMOFF1818
12/20/2009 3:46:41 AM

Just checking in from the 71 South Sparkers to see how you are doing. How are things going with your mom and trying to get her moved here from California???

I know you have a lot on your plate right now (no pun intended!) but if you get a chance, stop by and let us know how you're doing!

Thanks,
Karen

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SKINNYSHANNON
9/15/2009 1:35:49 AM

I just wanted to say, I found what you said to be very true and feel the same way. I too wonder if I will ever be happy with myself, and people seem shocked when they hear how much I weigh. I had a family member laugh because he thought I was joking and then when I just looked at him he realized I wasn't joking. I see you are looking for a SparkBuddy and I am from the KC area. Would love to help motivate each other.



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SWEET_TDOVE
9/3/2009 10:37:15 AM

Sorry, haven't been on in a bit..i am doing good, Lost a few more pounds I need to post them.. How are things going for you?..If you need anything let me know... It has not been easy it is a struggle for me everyday.. But I am tooting right along...doing it the right way is so frustrating and hard but it will be worth it in the end. emoticon emoticon emoticon



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LADYLIGHT
8/6/2009 5:44:51 PM

Hi, I live just outside of Kansas City, I am 200 lbs and have started the C25K, I was afraid of aches and pains but so far in week one (1) I have not. I am really doing it! and you can also.



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