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HHOLLOWAY44
SparkPoints: (8,683)
Fitness Minutes: (3,120)
Posts: 16
10/31/12 9:57 A

My mother can be the exact same way. I inherited her metabolism (equal to that of a sloth) and my father's height (I'm 6 feet tall). She's always been heavy and, ironically, is a health nut. She avoids exercise and vegetables. If it doesn't have bacon fat in it, she'll pass. She pops herbs and homeopathic potions believing that will keep her healthy. If she doesn't have Type II Diabetes, it's a miracle. We'll never know, because she doesn't believe doctors know any more that she does.
She has terrible willpower, and tries to break down anyone around her who displays more will than she does. If I go on a diet, she mocks me. If I begin exercise, she says I won't be able to keep it up for more than a week. If I complain about my current weight, she'll say that I've never been all that pretty, so a little extra weight isn't necessarily hurting my looks. I'll say I want to be healthy, she'll respond that I need to pray more and understand what's really important in life.
She can say some pretty cruel and hurtful things to the people she loves. She does it under the guise of loving advice, but the truth is, she believes she's never wrong.
Only, she is. I'll never get her to see just how wrong or get her to apologize for anything she's ever said to me, but I can prove it to myself.
So, I keep my plans to myself. I still see her regularly, but I don't talk about my goals, what I've accomplished or how much better I feel. I let her talk, bash me verbally to my face, and I just listen and smile.
Sometimes, the relationship you have with a parent is more important to you than it is to them. You'll likely never get your mom to apologize, but surprise her when you accomplish the goal despite all her hurtful words and you may earn her respect.



TIEDYED69PEACE
SparkPoints: (6,717)
Fitness Minutes: (2,694)
Posts: 165
10/26/12 3:13 P

You are so not alone. Last time I made a lifestyle change, I lost over 80lbs in one year. I went from a size 20 to a 12 (tight 10). When out with my mother at my lowest weight what did she say? You look good, just another 20lbs to lose... emoticon Really??? Well, I've come to learn that I do love my mother, and she has never been extremely affection, but always judgmental, because that is who she is. (I have found that I am her too unfortunately in some ways.) I have worked hard my whole life (as child and adult) to impress her, and she's never given me an inkling of an idea that she is truly proud of me. Do I believe she's not? No. Do I believe she's not supportive either? No. Some people just operate differently than others. (Further, I think it is an unintended extension of them trying to still "mother" us the best they can figure). The sooner you understand your mother, the sooner you can be at peace with yourself. While you shouldn't detach yourself from your mother, you should strive to detach yourself from this situation. That's what I have always done anyway... Our relationship is much better since this understanding...



PURECOUNTRY29
Posts: 866
10/26/12 2:39 P

get a picture of all those people who try to bring you down, and put it on a mirror or somewhere where you see it daily, then use them to motivate you. You can do this, and every time you look at those pictures it will motivate you to get there. No one can stop you from doing anything. only you have that power over yourself. Dont give that power up to someone else. Good luck and keep being proud of where you are and how far you have come.



MISSRUTH
Posts: 3,292
10/26/12 9:05 A

Well, IDK, in a way I'd have to disagree with the poster who said not to avoid. My mother is very critical, obviously doesn't believe in "if you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all". Trust me on this, she can find something hurtful to say about just about anything. I reckon it's HER and not ME. She's just like that; maybe she feels so bad about herself, that it makes her feel good to try to take someone else down a notch. To her, my older sister can't hardly do anything wrong. And somehow I can't hardly do anything right. sigh. Personally I think anyone who says parents don't really have "favorites" among their kids, hasn't met my mother.

At any rate, she IS my mother and I care about her. But I don't spend any more time around her than I have to. Sad, but true. It's helpful that she lives 600 miles away. Usually when I'm around her and she starts in on me about something, I ignore it and change the subject. Being assertive didn't work-- she'd argue harder and/or find more stuff to criticize. I just ignore it and go on. It is enough for me to know that I'm all right, I don't have to try to prove it to her.

The biggest thing I've done, is NOT be that way toward my own kids. We learn something from everyone-- from some people we learn how TO behave, and from some people we learn how NOT to behave. I try very hard to be positive and supportive and complimentary to those around me, especially my family. I do not want my kids to feel about me, the way I feel about my own mother.

And I get my support from other people. SparkPeople is a great place for support-- we're all pretty much here for the same reason, we want to lose weight and get fit.



SUNSHINE6442
Posts: 1,754
10/26/12 7:46 A

Avoidance is not the answer...your mother is the only mother you will ever have regardless of her short comings....you say.... you are in your 30's....its time to realize that mom may not always be there....put on your "Big Girl" pants ( Tee Hee) and have a heart to heart with her...telling her that her comments hurt you and she may be more compassionate.

My mom passed away when I was 32..over 30 years ago and I still miss her everyday. I wish she was still here to critisize me...it helped me grow into the strong person I am today! Feel blessed she is still here!



LUANN_IN_PA
Posts: 15,880
10/22/12 7:19 A

On you Spark page you have
"“Nobody can hurt me without my permission.” Gandhi "

You need to start believing that!

Also, you need to stop giving your mom so much power. I assume you are not a teen living at home...



DIANE7786
SparkPoints: (76,545)
Fitness Minutes: (2,836)
Posts: 3,136
10/21/12 11:52 P

My mother does similar things. She praises everything about my brothers and sisters and I can’t do one thing right. I don’t know why and I’m passed the point of caring. The Serenity Prayer is comforting, “…accept the things you cannot change. “ Her nastiness is not my problem. I don’t avoid family functions because I like some of the people. Her comments shock them and they make her look silly. Usually I either agree with what she says or I say something like, “that’s an interesting thought.” Then I watch her try to argue. I have made friends who appreciate me for who I am, including my imperfections. I hope you find the same peace.



JMR0215
Posts: 13
10/21/12 11:10 P

Family is difficult. Your mother may have a feeling of insecurity because you are taking control of your life. Keep your chin up-smile all the time and walk away when necessary.
You are so worth it!!!
Jen



JAN615
Posts: 118
10/21/12 10:36 P

You know its weird, family is the most critical of all of the people we know usually. We spend so much of our time, trying to do or say something that would please them, and usually they know how to pick it apart or belittle any accomplishment that we have made. So in essence we can never satisfy them. I think I wanted them of all people to acknowledge what I had accomplished or what I was trying to accomplish, but of course it was nothing in comparison to what someone else in the family had done. So I stopped trying, I took stock one day and realized that I would never please them. I realized that I was a beautiful individual that God made, and he only made one of me. No repeats, no clones, and he didn't make any mistakes. If my family does not appreciate me, that's their problem, I don't look for approval any more from them which really blows their minds. I have actually put distance between myself and my family, I love them and always will, but I no longer seek their approval. My weight has always been an issue, and yes my family has made quite a few snide comments, but I also began to realize that when a person feels the need to belittle you or try to make you feel insignificant, they are the ones with the problems and to make themselves feel better, they just turn things around, and try to kill your spirit. I guess that makes it easier to ignore their problems, for by doing that, they can seem better than you somehow. Take a deep breath and be proud of you and what you have accomplished. Put one foot in front of the other every day, and keep going. Love and respect , and be proud of you, don't wait for it from another person; you will be disappointed. Now that's not to say family doesn't love you, but I have found that family especially, seem to always fall short of even the most simplest of expectations. They are the ones who are supposed to be in your corner, no matter what, right?, I thought so too, but once again, you are one of a kind, love and appreciate yourself, encourage yourself (and yes that can be hard at times also), but know that there are so many people out there in the spark family that have your back and can give you encouragement, even if your family doesn't.
Keep up the good work. emoticon

Edited by: JAN615 at: 10/21/2012 (22:42)


SLIMMERKIWI
SparkPoints: (122,305)
Fitness Minutes: (32,485)
Posts: 21,079
10/21/12 10:24 P

Hi - I can understand how you feel, however I would say DON'T practice avoidance! It is better to practice being ASSERTIVE! Tell your mother that you do what is best for YOU and YOUR body - you are the one living with it. You could drop in that because she is rail thin and hasn't had your weight problem, then it would be quite difficult for her to understand how you feel, especially when people make negative comments.

Hopefully it might make her think twice before she opens her mouth.

Good luck,
Kris



MOOSLADY
Posts: 208
10/21/12 9:52 P

It's not you, really it isn't. My mom can be that way too and she's not even rail thin. Her thing in the last month is trying to keep my 88 yr old Dad who has been sick recently from eating as much as he wants. He is a little plump around the middle but nowhere in the neighborhood of so fat it is a health risk. It is not us, it is something about them, the moms that is. I lost the weight and still I get comments. "You shouldn't eat that(It has 30 calories, it won't kill me)" "Your daughter shouldn't live like that(she's 21 mom and on her own, not my choice)" Nobody can afford to be a stay at home mom these days and you have all that education(Michael and I make sacrifices so I can, my kids won't be small forever and my education will still be there)" Your mom might not be able to reconcile the person she wanted you to grow up to be and the one you actually became and you get in the line of fire. I know it hurts but she is your mom and you don't really want to just cut her off so sigh, shake your head and know you are an adult, you get to be who you want, not who she hoped you would be.



INSANITY77
SparkPoints: (3,769)
Fitness Minutes: (3,610)
Posts: 61
10/21/12 9:32 P

why is it that the people who in theory are supposed to love you the most and support you hurt you the most?

had a family function today, and of course i could trust my mother to belittle any weight loss I have had to date, and say comments that make me feel so insignificant. i have always struggled with my weight my whole life, and it doesn't help that my mother who is rail thin always criticizes my weight and my life and my choices.

so logically i know i should not give someone else the power to hurt me, but i am so sad that i never feel valued by my family- God Forbid my feelings actually count.

i am tired of always having to put up a front around the people who i wish would could show some empathy once in a blue moon.

i realize that avoidance is my best bet at sanity...i am not strong enough yet to put myself in a position where old insecurities rise to the surface.

i am not sure why i am posting this.... i feel like i am grieving the loss of any respect/love that i ever felt from my family.



 
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