Your post kind of reminds me of how I felt before I started Spark. I had previously lost apprx 50 lbs twice only to regain it back. At 49, I knew I needed to lose weight but honestly, I just didn't have it in me anymore to go through "dieting" once again. I was just so d-o-n-e! It got so I thought I'd just have to accept my size the way I was or, maybe, entertain thoughts of surgery. Anything but the dreaded diet!
Looking back, I think a big reason I was just so *done* w/ dieting was that when I had done it prior, it was just torture! And I regained the weight back in seemingly no time! So why go through all that again? What sane person would want that?
Flash forward to Sparks...and I am so glad I found this site. I drank in so much, and so appreciated the message boards and seeing what successful people did and what seemed to keep the tormented people stuck in a rut. I decided that I'd try to do what the successful people did....I finally *got* what people meant when they talked about "lifestyle vs diet." I finally accepted that losing weight is 80% nutrition and 20% exercise. I fully embraced vegetables, finding the ones I liked (no bare celery & carrot sticks - too "diet-y" to me!) and upped my fruit. I didn't shun any food group like I did before, but instead tried to learn moderation for if I was to make it succeed this time, it had to be livable, sane and doable for life (ah-ha! that's what they mean by "lifestyle!"). I got a digital food scale and am still learning portioning (man what an eye opener). As for the other scale, I decided to ditch that & go by clothing sizes - this was a huge blessing as I avoided all that scale drama.
I seemed to have found what works for me but if I hadn't have found Sparks and gave it another try, without question I wouldn't be where I am today.
I know what you mean by having doubts and being self conscience, but you simply must push those thoughts aside! Losing weight always starts first in the head - the body follows. And sometimes, you just have to do first, and the pride & motivation follows.
You have every right to live your life well no matter what your size; if you just happen to be larger than you'd like right now, so be it.
Times when I would look in the mirror and feel overwhelmed, I'd audibly tell myself, "I'm not where I want to be YET, but I'm getting there!" and take pride in the fact that I was indeed doing something constructive to better my health.
Then one foot in front of the other. Aim for progress, not perfection (perfection doesn't exist anyway). Something is always better than nothing.
You can do this, SARAHMO4 - I know you can!