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7/19/11 12:53 P

Thanks guys! You are absolutely right Danie1018 - I need to be honest with everyone instead of avoiding them to avoid their peer pressure. Maybe if they realize I'm making an honest effort they will support me in that. Also, I have friends that are active - I just don't hang out with them because I'm too busy drinking. I'm going to make active plans with one of them next week I've decided. My closest friends are in the same boat I'm in so I'm going to ask them if they want to walk the beach or something but if they flake I'm still going to go instead of flaking with them like i normally would do.

I know its all about making small changes stick, so this time around I'm going to set some easily attainable weekly goals for myself. This week I've decided to limit myself to 4 drinks total - Ive been asked to go out twice this week already so tonight I will have 2 drinks and on Thursday I will have 2 drinks and that will be it for me for the week. I'd usually have 4 in a sitting so this is actually a bigger goal than it looks but I know I can do it.

Thanks again for all the feedback :)

DANIE1018 SparkPoints: (663)
Fitness Minutes: (120)
Posts: 67
7/19/11 8:02 A

HA HA! Yes a baby does end your social life pretty effectively, well said. But here is the real advice, be honest! It works everytime. Don't be afraid to answer your phone and never make up excuses. Tell them that you don't have time to go out because you have other plans for yourself. Tell them you want to clean your house, or make a healthy dinner at home. They WILL try to peer pressure you, and when that happens be honest some more. Say, i know you really want me to go out, but i'm trying to make changes to my life and i'm tired of the same old, same old grind. If they are offended let them be, you have nothing ro feel guilty about cause you told the truth, don't feel guilty for your feelings. Like everyone else has said. Your real friends will stay around.

BURNINGEMBER SparkPoints: (0)
Fitness Minutes: (7,303)
Posts: 545
7/19/11 7:47 A

Have a baby or two. THAT will put an end to that type of social life. It did for me LOL

Have you talked to your husband about how you're feeling? Maybe if you can get him to agree to just ONE night every week that the house is off limits to others and you can get some things done, then you can start to have some relief. Tell him you need a date night with him, without other people. Getting the spouse on board is difficult sometimes. It's YOUR life, and others will do what you allow them to. If you don't want a hangover, don't drink, or put a limit on yourself.

Is there any way you can make one room a guest room so your friends spending the night don't take up your living room and make your home feel like a flop house?

REDSHOES2011 SparkPoints: (0)
Fitness Minutes: (66,181)
Posts: 7,159
7/18/11 11:28 P

Try to divide people for whom they are with a cut off point like drinking acquaintences and real friends worth moving earth and world for when in trouble and if they would do the same.. "If all of your friends cannot understand your need for making lifestyle choices to better your health (physical and mental), then perhaps they aren't really friends at all!" was a good point..
Asking people to go for walks and biking riding will really week out the people worth holding on.. Some people show their true negative colours when we suggest real activities that don't include drinking..

Edited by: REDSHOES2011 at: 7/18/2011 (23:30)
7/18/11 2:02 P

I agree with others that perhaps you could arrange being social with healthy lifestyle activities. Invite your friends over for a healthy meal or to go for a walk together. Find out what they like to do outside the bar and see if these things can fit better into your desired life.

I also think that in ANY relationship - be it a marriage, a friendship or a working relationship - communication is KEY! So I think you need to take some time to speak to your husband. Explain that while you love the friends the two of you have and you don't want to be completely anti-social, the pace of your life is getting to be too much for you. Tell him you feel that your health and your relationship with him is suffering. Ask if he'd be willing to set aside some time (maybe one night a week or one night every other week, whatever you think you need) for your relationship building. You might also talk to some of your closer friends about your healthy lifestyle goals and explain why you might not be seeming as social, because you want to be around to enjoy them for a long time.

Also, if these overnight guests are "regulars" in your home, then perhaps they can start entertaining themselves a bit. Talk to them when they arrive or maybe when they let you know they're coming about your current healthy lifestyle goals and let them know that you may not have as much time as usual for "entertaining." I assume these people are adults and can amuse themselves for a couple of hours!!

If all of your friends cannot understand your need for making lifestyle choices to better your health (physical and mental), then perhaps they aren't really friends at all!

Good luck! I know finding the ability to say "no" is tough!!

REBCCA SparkPoints: (408,009)
Fitness Minutes: (214,485)
Posts: 22,737
7/18/11 12:47 P

Believe you are a creator MSAEBARRON, (and oh do I wish it was this easy)

"Every moment of your life is infinitely creative and the universe is endlessly bountiful. Just put forth a clear enough request, and everything your heart desires must come to you." (Shakti Gawain)

I have lived your life exactly and recall it clearly even though it was many years ago. You do have my sincere empathy. One of the transformational things I did was quit drinking. I decided instead I would be addicted to clarity. I still did social things, parties and went to bars but just did not drink. It helped to have the intention of making a contribution instead of seeing how I could be entertained.

You might try arranging hikes, bike rides, walks, swimming or other outdoor activities with your husband and/or friends to move the energy towards a lifestyle you prefer. Talking to your husband about your wishes for a different balance seems like a great idea too.

Best wishes to you!

KAHULL Posts: 6
7/18/11 12:18 P

I run into this problem off and on too, and am currently stuck in it too! I have some sort of social activity that involves food/drink every day after work this week, and usually have at least 3 in a typical week. On one hand, I love being social and I know my general happiness leads to overall healthy habits... but, acutely, going out every night means that my weight loss seriously slows down and will stop for a few weeks at a time. So, I hear ya.

One thing I've managed to do is to turn some of my exercise or cooking into a social event. I found that some of my friends are also really active and like to cook healthy meals. If someone wanted to spend time with me, I would suggest we hit the gym together, go for a jog or a swim. Last weekend a friend and I took his dogs for a walk on the beach. We got friend time, dogs got exercise, I got exercise. You might be surprised what your usual drinking buddies are up for outside the bar. :)

I've also found that people are more forgiving if I come out for just an hour or so than not at all. I let the group/friend know ahead of time that I have to leave a little early but would love to just have a drink - oh and I'm driving, so just an iced tea for me - and next time I'll stay out a little longer and have some grownup drinks. This gives me time at least a few times a week to get to the grocery store, cook for the week, or get to bed early so I can work out in the morning.

JBPORTAYE SparkPoints: (0)
Fitness Minutes: (2,268)
Posts: 158
7/18/11 12:09 P

I really don't have a social life. emoticon

7/18/11 11:20 A

I havent been on spark in way too long - I've slipped back into old habits (not sure I ever got rid of them) and I'm just not feeling like I'm in control.

The main problem I have is that my husband and I live an extremely social life. He is a bartender and we live in my hometown so between the two of us we know EVERYONE. I am asked to join in (and most of the time want to join in) on happy hour at least 3-4 times a week, most of the people we know are in bands and want us to come to their shows, we host a couple bands from out of town when they play at my husbands bar, etc... basically there is ALWAYS something going on and someone sleeping on my couch.

I've been actively trying to close my circle of friends in, turn down at least 2 invites a week to drink or go out to eat, and have been trying to decrease the amount of over night guests that stay with us but I just cant seem to get a handle on everything. My husband and I are not exactly on the same page though - he is more social than I am and doesnt feel the need to decrease his amount of going out or our quantity of over night guests.

I never feel like I have the alone time (or husband and wife time) to get things done like grocery shop, exercise, or do NICE activities like work in the yard because we always have people over looking to be entertained or I have a hangover. I just dont know how to get a handle on everything and how to say 'NO' to friends over and over again when they ask me to come out or if they can stay the night. People are starting to think I don't like them when really the reason for me declining or not answering my phone has nothing to do with the way I feel about them, but has everything to do with how I feel about myself.

Sometimes I wish I could run away for like 3 months, get healthy, get a routine, and then come back to real life... I need a rehab for my socializing problem!!

How do I make this time for myself without pushing everyone away? And how to I get my husband on board??? I feel like I'm drowning in a life I do not want anymore.

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