My first marriage was not great. We had three kids. Honestly, I would have probably never left my first husband either, despite all of our issues. I grew up like you, in my mind when you get married it is forever and you take the good with the bad and try your best to make it work. He left me and I have now remarried and I promise you I wouldn't trade my second husband for anything. I love him to pieces. I actually feel blessed lol! So just because he wouldn't have left her doesn't mean he can't still have a wonderful or maybe even better relationship with you. I am glad things work so well with you and his kids. Step parenting is hard, hard work. Actually parenting in general is hard, hard work.I have done both! Don't be too hard on yourself....I would be very uncomfortable too if my husband worked with his ex wife or even someone he had dated in the past. I may be wrong but I think most people would be.
Fitness Minutes: (33,029)
7/29/13 10:59 A
Sami, I think it may be hard for you-in part-because you are so young. When I was 24, I was very immature (I am not saying that you are--just me!) and had issues with jealousy. I was finding myself and creating a life for myself--and I don't think it's selfish to want that. I was also really not ready for marriage and children. I ended up marrying at 29 and not having kids until I was 36 because we weren't ready. I am not suggesting that what is right for me is right for you, but it seems like wanting to make a life, a career, etc. is totally what a young person should be doing. If you love this guy enough and are ready to commit to becoming a mother as well as a wife, then great. If you think you won't be able to love the kids and the guy and deal with the annoying ex-wife issues, then you should seriously reconsider the relationship.
Wow! I understand how you feel. I have been a step-mother for 14 years now! The kids are awesome, but my issues were never with them. Definitely find a counselor who can assist you with your feelings. Have you made any long term plans?
It sounds to me like your ready-made family is a dream - no fights and them adoring you. I really think that you would benefit from some counseling to help you take all this in, and kudos to you for recognizing that it is an issue for you. I do understand to a degree how you feel, altho' I have never been in that situation - you are, after-all, quite young for the responsibility of children as old as they are, but as you realize it does need addressing now, rather than later, before rot sets in, as it can if left unattended.
BIG hugs, Kris xx
7/26/13 11:05 A
First - Kudo's to your ex for being an active and involved father - who didn't ditch his kids just because he found a new love. It is a testament to his integrity and character. Would you love and respect him if he had abandoned his children?
Honestly - you are quite young still.. and not to be the debbie downer but perhaps this is not the relationship for you. If you marry this man - those kids - AND their mom - are going to be a part of your life forever.. not just until they turn 18. There are college graduations, marriages, babies, holidays etc..... It's not about the past - it's about the future....
Here is a great webpage written by 2 ladies... the ex wife and the current wife - and how they have worked through some of these topics issues. The key is to always think of the kids first - after all - they did not choose their situations and are innocent... http://www.bonusfamilies.com
Good Luck to you!
7/26/13 8:31 A
This seems complicated. I agree that counselor should be able to help you sort all this out. Sounds like you are making his ex the heavy here.
7/26/13 12:01 A
Wow - your situation has a lot of similarities with my own thought I'm years further along. I used to have similar feelings. It's hard to give up our perfect image of the life we want for reality sometimes. I never dated anyone with kids. I never wanted to date someone with kids. None of my friends had kids or step kids in those early years. Nobody in my family had even divorced. Growing up I had one friend with a broken family and her life seemed like a novelty to me. Early in my relationship I felt totally alone in uncharted territory. I made mistakes and I learned. Eventually I got over all of those feelings about my husband's "previous life" - he was very supportive and patient with me as I made adjustments. While he never wanted to think about not having his child, he often wished he could have had one marriage to me. We both had to find a way to accept that neither of us would have been the people we were and are if not for the experiences we had without each other. While his marriage wasn't ideal, he learned from it and became a better person for the whole ordeal and I got to benefit from that. He wasn't a bad guy before - it's just that we all grow from our life experiences.
I think talking with someone would be beneficial...someone who can put your feelings in perspective and help you find a way to deal. I'm quite certain professional help would have benefitted me in those early years - I probably would have made less mistakes and become more confident about my relationship much sooner. Do what you need so you can enjoy the life you deserve with someone you love.
7/24/13 9:19 P
"I guess I just don't understand how you can marry someone and have two kids with them and not love that person anymore."
Unfortunately, it happens every day.
A good, strong relationship that lasts takes a lot of work, and most importantly being honest with yourself.
I work at a college, and I tell all the young women I run into, who confide in me about their relationship troubles, "Everything before 30 is practice. Nothing counts before 30."
Before getting into a serious relationship, you really have to know what you want from life. You need to be aware of what your needs are and what you are willing to give in a relationship. Talking to a therapist (or other professional) might help you with figuring out what those things are and help you work though this.
Yeah I would suggest counseling. Sounds like you are dealing with some underlying issues yourself. Many many many marriages and relationships end in divorce/split even with kids involved. Yes, it's sad and it's a fact of life.
Your relationship with him should not in anyway reflect on his past. We all have a past some better than others, but if you want this man in your life you will need to accept him for all that he brings to your relationship and that includes his past and his ex.
It's great that you have not experienced divorce within your family and is probably why you feel some of what you are experiencing. I hope you can come to somewhat of peace with your situation.
Hey ladies! First, I want to thank you so much for responding. I have been struggling with this for a little while now. I have never dated anyone with Children before and It has been a very new adventure. I think part of the difficulty is that I am 24 years old and I do not have kids myself because well, frankly, as selfish as it sounds, I have things I want to accomplish first. My parents have been together for almost 30 years and no one in my family has been divorced or has step kids or anything of the sort, so it's really a new experience for everyone involved. I love his kids, I really do. They will never know the struggle I have with this. They spend lots of time with me, and me alone, we go out and do things, just the three of us. I know it's selfish but I just struggle that all his memories are with her, they constantly remind me of him being in love with someone else. I feel like we don't have much time to work on our relationship because the kids are always around, He has them every single weekend because their mother doesn't want them on the weekends. I really just get depressed thinking about it because, like I said, all his important memories are with her. I guess I am old fashioned, I think children should be created out of love, And he has already done that and had it. It's almost hard to explain the way I feel... I even have trouble understanding myself! I think I should probably investigate counseling for myself....I wish it was just easier for me to accept. I guess I just don't understand how you can marry someone and have two kids with them and not love that person anymore. I also think things would be easier for me to accept if we didn't live in their house, live down the street from his ex. My boyfriend works with his ex brother in law, sister in law and father in law, and his ex works there part time too... it makes me afraid that he really still wants her back, even though he assures me he does not, But he also told me he wouldn't have ever left her until the kids were 18. So, i know he didn't want her to leave..it makes me feel like since he was left, he still wants her. I don't know. I have a lot of insecurities and concerns...It's probably time for me to talk to someone, like you said.
Edited by: MEDICSAMI at: 7/24/2013 (17:39)
Fitness Minutes: (9,064)
241 7/24/13 4:43 P
Liliput is right, but I understand the feelings you're having. I am going to go out on a limb and suggest that you consider counseling. You are dealing with jealousy, shame, anger and probably abandonment issues- that usually goes hand in hand with jealousy.
If you marry this man, the ex is going to be in your life, even if you never see her again. You've got to be able to handle that or you won't be able to have a good relationship with your husband and kids. It is totally worth seeing a counselor to dig into these feelings and find a way to deal with them. Right now, this is in your head and driving you nuts, and it's not going to just go away. He will never be able to prove himself enough to you- take it from someone who has been there, and was helped by counseling.
7/24/13 3:12 P
What is it about his ex that makes you so jealous?
She was able to make babies with him?
You need to remember, they aren't together anymore. They broke up. If he wanted to be with her, he would have found a way to work it out. He didn't. He's with you now...because he wants to be with you.
If you have any doubts about that, you need to talk about that with him.
As for those kids, remember they are human beings. They have feelings. they need to be treated with respect. Many step-mothers would be unbelievably grateful to have such accepting step-children. Often there are all manner of troubles when it comes to kids adjusting to life with a step-parent. You have been spared that misery!
Embrace this opportunity to surround yourself with people who love and appreciate you.
Hello, I dont know if anyone has any advice for this.in fact, I am ashamed to even post this... I have a boyfriend who has two kids from a previous marriage. I have no kids and have never been married and I am finding that I am dealing with jealousy issues. I am jealous that I can't be his first wife and that he has already experienced the joys of having kids with someone else, his first born son, and daughter....The circumstances were interesting...Apparently, they had been dating for a short period of time and then she, her sister and step sister "accidentally" got pregnant, and so he said he felt stuck and that he had to be there for his child. He says that several years later they were still miserable together and she said another child will fix our problems, so as stupid as this sounds, they had another kid. Then right after he was born, she said that if he didnt marry her, she would take the kids and leave. So they got married...three years later, she met someone else and left him. The kids absolutely adore me. and they are great kids, They tell me they love me and they cant wait for me to become their stepmom. I wish I could figure out a way to get over this petty insecurity and jealousy. He tells me things would be different if we had kids because they would be out of a loving relationship and the fact that we would both want them, not a surprise, like his first one, and an attempt to fix a relationship, his second one. He is a fantastic father and they share complete joint custody. His kids are 12 and 9. I am so ashamed of myself for getting so angry and upset that he has two kids with someone else. I really need to figure out a way to get over this...Please help!!! any advice is welcome!!!!!
SparkPeople, SparkCoach, SparkPages, SparkPoints, SparkDiet, SparkAmerica, SparkRecipes, DailySpark, and other marks are trademarks of SparkPeople, Inc. All Rights Reserved. No portion of this website can be used without the permission of SparkPeople or its authorized affiliates.
SPARKPEOPLE is a registered trademark of SparkPeople, Inc. in the United States, European Union, Canada, and Australia. All rights reserved.