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staying together for the kids...?



 
 
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CALAMITYJEN13
Posts: 150
2/3/12 11:53 A

As someone who's parents divorced when I was a child, I would say that ultimately it is a good thing to part if you are no longer happy (although I'd suggest counselling first, or a temporary 'spilt' first)

Although the divorce was hard for me to understand at the time, my parents are much happier apart, and I can see that they would've been miserable if they'd stayed together. This, in turn, would've been harder for me.

My parents did actually get back together for a time a couple of years after they divorced, mostly (on my dad's part anyway) for my sake. It didn't work out and caused more harm I think. So I don't think being together just for your kids is a good idea.

The main thing is to remain on amicable, or at least civil terms. This also includes other family members - my grandma always used to bad-mouth my dad, which wasn't very nice for me to listen to.



GRISI1107
Posts: 14
2/2/12 7:46 P

Thank to all for your comments. The thing is that he has confessed that he had cheated on me 2 times, and I have big suspivions that one of those affairs was with his female boss. The thing with his boss started with some text messages I found on his phone last april. That were love messages and when I confronted her, she said it was not her it was her friend that grab her phone without her noticing. Well since then i don't trust him anymore, and even though we had agree to continue with the relationship I don't feel loved, like he doesn't pay me attention. The thing is even though i know this isnt gonna work I feel used to him, I have been with him since I was 16 he was my first boyfriend, i think im afraid of being alone :(. Have any of you been trough this, feeling used to somebody?



TACDGB
Posts: 6,130
2/2/12 7:40 P

I have hear dr Phil McGraw say this many times. 7 years in a bad marriage is not good but 7 years and 1 day more is even worse. I so do agree. I also believe that you have to be able to walk away telling your self that you tried everything possible to make it work and nothing did. I am a big believer in leaving no stone unturned. I would seek conceling and see where that takes you. You will never know until you try. A christian counselor is good. I am so sorry that you are going through this. It can't be any fun. I have been down your road. My divorce will be final in a month. My hubby and I went and saw 4 marriage councelors. Hubby didn't want to work on the relationship..........he just wanted out. And I wanted to be happy and he wasn't doing that for me. Good luck in this. Prayers are coming your way.



PRINCESSALEXA
Posts: 735
2/2/12 6:42 P

Wow!!! This entire line of discussion is so appropriate for me.

I have been trying to decide if and when I want to ask my husband for a divorce and my 7 year old has been such a large consideration.

The thing that gives me the strength to move forward most, is that I spent so many years not trusting my own feelings and pushing them away by starving or stuffing myself with food, to protect myself from my parents' violent abusive marriage, that although my marriage does not include violence, I do not want my daughter to have to pretend things are happy in her home when they are not.



SHERRIE59
SparkPoints: (54,044)
Fitness Minutes: (47,353)
Posts: 7,527
2/2/12 6:22 P

Not a good idea.....one should consider their personal happiness first. If you have to part, then that's what has to be done.At this stage of my life, I don't want anybody around me who makes my life a living hell...been there, done that...and it was not pretty



NIRERIN
Posts: 11,855
2/2/12 6:05 P

my parents divorced when i was younger [pre-school age] and it was so nice to not have the arguments anymore. a good deal of my friends who also had divorced parents at an early age also felt pretty much the same way. as long as you don't use your kids as tools against the ex, you're good. kids can adapt. and this is especially true if you use the time you used to spend fighting paying attention to said kids.

the one other thing i'll note is my two friends who had parents who divorced later [late college age] had a much harder time with it. they had grown up with what they thought was a wonderful and exemplary whole family and the rapid disintegration of that ideal was incredibly hard on them. basically their parents had decided to stay together and after about twenty years of that said parents were completely over it. so everything got bottled up and just came out at once. and those two are the ones who spent a lot of time in therapy working through things because when their parents called it off it swept the rug entirely out from under them.

kids can adapt to whatever situation they get. adults have a much harder time of it. just give your kids the time and attention that you can and it doesn't matter so much if you are together or divorced. just find a way to not put them in the middle of you two and give them love and they should turn out fine.



LUCKYNUMBER23
SparkPoints: (10,792)
Fitness Minutes: (12,597)
Posts: 437
2/2/12 12:14 P

If you fight in front of your kids and it is effecting them, you need to do something immediately. You don't want to scar them.

If your kids are okay, then you need to decide why you are unhappy in your marriage? How does your husband feel? How long has this been going on? You two might be able to come up with a solution. Talk to your husband, share your feelings, have him share. You don't want to have a one sided conversation. Don't yell at each other.



IVYLASS
SparkPoints: (115,292)
Fitness Minutes: (35,554)
Posts: 6,535
2/2/12 12:00 P

One of your jobs as a parent is to model good behavior for your children. You are showing them what marriage looks like.

Staying together for the sake of the children is not the best thing for them, I think. Of course, divorce can be just as traumatic. Try counseling, but if one of the three A's is happening (abuse, addiction, or adultery) get you and the kids out of that situation.



MOBIUS31
SparkPoints: (7,622)
Fitness Minutes: (10,902)
Posts: 223
2/2/12 11:37 A

If you can part on good terms then the kids wiill turn out fine. They already know what's going on between you and DH. As time passes you will get angrier and angrier and eventually will leave anyway. You only get one chance at life and happiness. You don't want to waste years on a loveless relationship for the kids sake. Its not healthy for any of you. .



DMJAKES
Posts: 1,583
2/2/12 8:56 A

I second the suggestion of counseling.....marriage is hard work and must be continually nurtured or it will wither and become "loveless".

Both of you need to make sure your conflicts are not being aired in front of the children and that they are not being used as pawns....you're the grownups here. You can put on a united front at least until you make a final decision on what to do. If your children are old enough, you can let them know that mom and dad are struggling but are going to do everything they can to resolve their problems, and that they are loved no matter what.

You might also want to do a reality check on yourself. Are you expecting that fluttering heart every time you see him, like it was when you first met? That fluttery feeling should settle into a firm lifelong commitment, over time. Are you putting effort into your end of the relationship, or are you letting things slide? Are you spending time and effort on something you shouldn't (example--too much time on facebook or too much attention to male coworkers, etc)? Only you can answer these questions.

Get thee to a counselor, preferably as a couple--but if he won't go it will still help you see the situation clearly. Good luck!



STLCARDSFANS05
Posts: 916
2/2/12 8:53 A

we stayed together too long for the kids, divorced after 17 yrs, now we are best friends and THAT is amazing for our kids



LUANN_IN_PA
Posts: 16,017
2/2/12 8:51 A

The BEST thing our parents did for us was to divorce.
Living under the same roof was WAY too toxic.....



GUDDIGO
Posts: 1,081
2/2/12 8:49 A

You have to do what is in the best interest for you....and your kids will learn to put themselves first. The main thread of sadness in all our lives is when we try to do something to please somebody else and not happy with it ourselves.



SOLARISX
SparkPoints: (793)
Fitness Minutes: (902)
Posts: 36
2/2/12 8:36 A

This is my personal opinion coming from my own experience.

My parents stayed together for my brother and I growing up, even though my mother had lost interest in being a mother long ago (I lasted longer in her list of interests, simply because I was very active in school, 4H, and elsewhere, but my brother had fallen through the hole very early on, which bred a lot of resentment that we had to deal with when we got older). In most aspects, we were a single-parent household and raised by my father along with our babysitter when we were younger, and for me, my 4H leaders when I got older. After my brother graduated high school, my parents separated (they are not divorced legally, but they do live apart, and have not seen each other for 5 years and only really communicate through email very sparingly). There really wasn't any love for a long time (I have no memories of my parents being affectionate towards each other, though from home videos of my brother and I when we were toddlers and our baby books, I do know that it was there).

In my situation, my brother and I have spoken to each other, and we probably would have been happier if our parents had gotten a divorce. We would have most likely ended up with our father having custody of us (which wouldn't have been much different than things had been as they were). And we highly doubt that there will be a divorce, for the simple fact that even retired, our father is still the breadwinner in our family and my mother wouldn't be able to fund her "hobbies."

Again, this is my opinion as a child who had parents who stayed together for the kids until we were out of high school.



RITAROSE
SparkPoints: (115,252)
Fitness Minutes: (79,419)
Posts: 9,834
2/2/12 8:35 A

Don't give up! Get some counseling even if you have to go by yourself. I recommend a good Christian counselor, preferably one who has been trained by CCEF. God bless you and your mate and your children.



HONEYFLOWER43
Posts: 1,420
2/2/12 8:34 A

If you are fighting it may be harming your childeren. When I finally left my ex I said to my daughter who was 7 yrs. old I guess you ar sorry Mom and Dad are not together, and she replied no because I didn't like you guys arguing.



GRISI1107
Posts: 14
2/2/12 8:03 A

Can a relationship works where there is no longer love just because the sake of the kids? Would you do it, are you doing it? Are u happy, is it worth it? How long can this relationships last? Is it selfish to think that you deserve to be happy even if that involves a divorce? I need help I'm going through this decision and its really hard, your comments or thoughts would really help.



 
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