I want to point out that in the original post, the remarks could NOT have been meant to make a heavy person feel bad, because neither person was talking to a heavy person. It's really not fair to criticize a stranger for something she said to another person while you were eavesdropping.
I was once at a mall with a friend, shopping for something specific for me to wear to an event she was hosting, and when she suggested a particular store, I said, "They don't carry anything smaller than a ___." A woman who was barely pudgy, much smaller than I was at my highest, and who had been walking quite a bit behind us, walked by and said, "Oh, quit bi***ing, skinny a**." I didn't bother responding, but come on. It was none of her business, and that remark was no less rude than saying, "Put down the pretzel, lard-o."
The girl complaining to her boyfriend might have been fishing for a compliment (from HIM.) Or she might be stating what is for her a fact. Many women gain weight-- sometimes a lot of weight-- when they get into a relationship, because men want companionship when they're eating, and they can eat a lot more. Telling a boyfriend "I'm getting fat" or "I'm already too fat" can be a way of saying "I can't eat like you do," without implying "you eat like a horse."
And when I was still heavy, I realized that some women tell a fat woman, "I'm fat too" as a form of sisterhood. Especially if the heavy one starts the conversation by talking about her diet, if a thinner woman responds by saying, "Yeah, I know; I've been working for months to get rid of this muffin top," in a lot of cases what she's really saying is, "We're all in the same boat. I understand; everyone struggles. It sucks, doesn't it?" In fact, responding with, "Oh, you're so skinny, shut up" could be pretty offensive. You're saying, "Your trouble isn't worth consideration like mine is." Just because I've got a broken leg, that doesn't mean the person with a sprained ankle can't compare crutches with me.
I guess what I'm saying is that not everything that someone says to you is a veiled comment about you-- and NOTHING that some stranger says to someone else is about you. If you're going to get irritated about things you overhear people say that have nothing to do with you, you're going to spend way too much of your life being irritated!
There's nothing that cuts to the quick more than listening to a thin person carrying on about being fat when others around them are way overweight. As many say, however, I don't think they think about what effect they are having on others feelings. I think they are just stating how they feel about themselves. It's hard for anyone to lose weight, even people who are closer to their goal.
I totally agree that women as well as men should support each other and lift each other up instead of finding things to disparage and tear down about each other.
Blessings and peace.
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309 7/6/13 4:51 P
There's a saying about 'if you read into what someone else is saying, the mind you're reading is probably your own'. AND KUDOS TO WHOMEVER IT WAS THAT SAID that we as women should be supporting each other!
....but I'm still laughing about being thin enough to kiss our own butts....I'd join that team!!!
7/6/13 4:21 P
Errmmm.... that "cover your knees" post, you need to read it in the correct spirit of the post. It was actually a post IN SUPPORT of people of any age dressing as they see fit....
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17,596 7/6/13 12:58 P
I agree as well! As for someone who commented on "Old people trying to look young" ...... and the need to "cover their knees' was extremely offensive to me! ........... One day she will be "old" too and does she NOT realize some 'mature' in age women are reading this??? .......... Maybe we all should stay home, then she will not HAVE TO LOOK!!!! ...... Just realized I may have been on the 'wrong thread' ...... But I think peeps get my drift ....... Live and LET LIVE end of story!!!
I agree with JAMINURSE. Self image is very fragile and if it bothers you to hear this, ignore or don't listen.
7/6/13 11:30 A
I think we should be very careful about passing judgment on others. As others have stated, we have no idea what that persons life experiences have been. An individuals self image can be affected by multiple factors. Why do women feel such a need to tear each other down? I have never understood this. I just don't get it.
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7/6/13 11:16 A
I just think as women, we need to be supportive and non-judgmental of all (women)! We are already criticized so much as a gender, we don't need it from one another!
@Ashleygille ~ except for the part about being in WWs, I could have written your post. You explained it perfectly. People need to remember that we do not know the history of other people unless we have walked in their shoes, no matter how much we think we know them. Thank you for sharing your experience and insight.
@Thread ~ I have been guilty in the past when heavier of getting tired of people I thought had no weight issues being vocal about their weight, but after a long up and down journey of decades, I know better.
The weight issue touches more people than we know in our current society and so when we get upset about thin people saying they are fat, then it'd be good to remember we really can't judge a book by its cover.
When thin people tell me they are fat I just agree and move on.
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7/6/13 10:30 A
As a compulsive eater who has lost over 50 pounds, I know how easy it would be to gain the weight back. So even when I'm at goal, I'm always a bit anxious around food. If a stranger saw me in the store, he/she might see me as relatively in-shape/healthy and a person who doesn't need to worry, but he/she wouldn't know my history and personal struggle. I remember going to WW when I was obese (5'2" and over 160#) and being welcomed in with open arms. After I became a Lifetime member and moved, I was greeted with stares and "Why are you here?" when I started at a new location. It was awful... I went from being teased and called the "Little Fat Meatball" in middle school to feeling I did something wrong by losing weight and getting fit. Really, it was almost like reverse discrimination. Despite being within my WW Healthy Range, the leader joked, "If you stand sideways and stick your tongue out, you'll look like a zipper" in the middle of a meeting! I'm not sure what that was all about, guess her own "issues", but it wasn't right and made an already self-conscious me never return. I'm not sure what I'm trying to say... Maybe don't judge a book by it's cover without knowing the full story. Don't get me wrong, I too was once quick to get annoyed and complain, "Why is that twig fretting about her 'extra weight'?" Not so much anymore.
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35 7/6/13 9:07 A
One of my co-workers was complaining because she has gained weight...she was 115 and now she is an obese 122! ;-) I get it, when your clothes don't fit, you feel "fat" regardless of your weight. I try to think of that sometimes...even though my current weight of 160 is much higher than I've ever been, to someone, it may seem "thin."
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7/6/13 7:12 A
I guess it depends on the particular context of how and when it is said, but I don't consider these remarks as fishing for compliments. I think everyone is dealing with their own issues, insecurities, complexes. Some people are so self centered that they only think of themselves, and if they feel fat, they feel fat.
Just as there are hidden disabilities, there are hidden illnesses, both mental and physical. We're all different and we all have our problems. One thing we all need to try harder at is being tolerant.
I do know what you mean though. We can change how we look, we will never change stupid.
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1,065 7/6/13 6:44 A
I am at goal weight and many people compliment me on how thin I am, etc. I consider it insulting and insensitive to expect overweight people to feel bad for me because I still don't have that perfect body we all wish we had. I understand your position fully. I am annoyed by thin women complaining about being fat and also pretty women complaining about their looks. I do think they are fishing for comliments or at least sympathy.
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7/6/13 6:15 A
LADYCJM, agreed! On the flip side, I know what it feels like to be that one "thin" girl (128lb at my thinnest) look in the mirror and see fat behind, thunder thights, cottage-cheese tummy and multiple chins... not a good feeling. I remember pulling on loose size 2 jeans and thinking about how far my belly sticks out and starting to cry. A lot of us, especially when we are younger, have all kinds of mental issues tied to our weight and looks. However, I totally agree with the intense need to throat punch the mal-nourished model-thin chick that complains about her weight... I just try my best to let go of that and feel sorry for her instead.
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7/6/13 3:49 A
Many thin people who think they are fat have a mental, such as bulimia. They need tolerance just as anyone else receiving treatment.
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2,521 7/6/13 3:19 A
What's really sad is how we all take fat comments personally and internalize them into our image of ourselves.
I have been fat my whole life. I will likely never think of myself as thin or normal. When I comment on feeling fat, it's because that is how I see myself and how I feel.
Changing the internal voice will take longer then losing the weight.
7/6/13 2:14 A
I personally am occassionally ruffled when i have to listen to "thin" people complain of being fat, because i'm sensitive on the issue of "fat" and it can feel like a veiled comment on my own size (though it probably never is - my self consciousness makes it feel so). But I am not particularly offended by these sorts of comments as I do believe most such comments come not out of "fishing for compliments" but out of lack of self esteem and issues with body-image. Let's consider anorexics. They can be thin to the point of ill health, hospitalization and even death - and yet still look in the mirror and see nothing but "fat." I wouldn't want to be that person. Rather than feel insulted when I listen to their verbalization of their own body image issues, I try to feel empathetic. People of any size can have body image issues - it's nothing to do with how "fat" one actually is.
Usually there is someone over weight standing near. They do that to make themselves feel better than the overweight person and it is a slur. Walk away!
7/6/13 1:18 A
I know, I hate it when skinny people complain about how "fat" they are. I have a friend who is 122 pounds on a "fat day" who is absolutely beautiful even in sweat pants. Men flock to her and tell her how pretty she is. She is an amazing person and a great friend, but she has is horrible habit... She NEVER shuts up about how fat and gross she is. And there my butt is sitting next to her ALLLL fat and gross. I want to punch her in the face. Despite her looks, she has NO self-esteem and feels the need to be validated through forced complements. I pity those people honestly. I may be fat, but I don't need to grovel for compliments
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17,596 7/5/13 10:26 P
Well YES it IS ridic!! .......... Carrying on about "I'm so fat" ..... when they don't even have enough flesh the size of a pimple to squeeze!! (I work with one who is model thin: but my thought was ........... she is trying to make the rest of us feel better .......... who are, shall we say ............. curvier? ................. and don't worry about the OCD remark ............... It is not meant as a slam because I HAVE those OCD tendencies as my DH and co-work's will attest to!! ............. ......... One last word ......... I know about being "almost there" ............. I have been 10# from goal for so long, it sounds like I am making a recital of some sort ................ "I have 10 to go." ........... Maybe we should start another team!! ................ And set the ultimate goal for being able to kiss our own butt!! .. (Now that would make a nice blog/ picture ........ I wonder if we would 'get the boot?'
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7/5/13 9:35 P
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306 7/5/13 9:25 P
Like beauty, thinness is in the eye of the beholder. Some say it to fish a compliment and others think they are overweight not necessarily fat. The ones that bother me are the ones fishing for compliments. It really bothered me 50 pounds ago but not so much now. The ones that are only 5 pounds overweight and won't ear a cupcake cause I it, I actually admire them. They are nipping the 5 pounds before it becomes 10 then 20, etc, etc.
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7/5/13 8:38 P
I think most people are so caught up in themselves that they don't realize how what they're saying is going to come across to other people. A person who looks perfectly thin and healthy may still see places they hate on their bodies, whether that's fair or not. Pretty much everyone has stuff about themselves that they'd like to change. It's not really up to me or anyone else to tell them they're wrong for that.
Anyway, my point is that someone who is a size 2 or even a size 10 complaining about their size to a larger person is not usually doing it to be hurtful or be a jerk. Most of us are far more concerned about ourselves and our own issues than we'd like to admit, and we often say things that could be hurtful to someone without even realizing it.
I hear this all the time at work. It just makes me sick! I have a co-worker that runs all the time and says she's fat. Please! The thing that bothers me, if they have a bad self image of themselves they just going to pass it on to their daughters.
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309 7/5/13 8:07 P
LOL Fengirl!!! I just read all the way back to the beginning of this thread. *high fives you* I now have a new goal: to be thin enough to kiss my own butt! LOLOL....that's a FANTASTIC way of putting it!
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309 7/5/13 8:03 P
I've always felt fat, even when I was 115 lbs and I'm almost 6 ft tall. I didn't walk around talking about it, but I have always been heavier through the hips and thighs than...well, than the rest of me was proportioned! My dad whom I loved dearly, always warned me about 'getting fat' because I've always carried more weight than the rest of my painfully slender family. Once I'd had my first child I REALLY felt fat and then I definitely moaned about it! It's absolutely a matter of perception, but don't dismiss people completely out of hand because you don't think they're fat.... I've met plenty of people (my family included) who genuinely don't feel comfortable unless they're UNDERWEIGHT. I don't pander to them, but I know what they mean. LOL...usually with them it's a loss of control around a plate of brownies! It's also impossible to FEEL thin when even supermodels are airbrushed these days! I wouldn't say I'm 'fat' I guess, but it's more 'healthy' is the correct word. I'm not in the shape I want to be. I can't walk as far as quickly as I want without getting winded. I still have those 'skinny' jeans in the closet mocking me. (And no, I didn't think they were 'skinny' when I was wearing them!) LOL....I do get frustrated with people THINNER THAN ME saying they're 'fat', but in the end, I choose to please ME. My Dad, God rest him, would be proud of me for that.
I'm a size two. I'm also unquestionably still overweight. Am I supposed to shut up because I'm not fat enough to count in your opinion?
Believe me, the last five or ten pounds are a heck of a lot tougher than the first sixty. Someday, when you're in that situation of agonizing because you're *this close* and nothing you do seems to work to get you that last little bit of the way, you'll look back on this post and wish you hadn't said this. When you're so close to goal that your clothes can hide the extra fat, you're not going to like being told that wanting to lose the last few pounds must be OCD, and if somebody says, "you're so skinny you can kiss your own butt," they'll be lucky if you don't tell them to do it for you. Only, you won't want to say "butt."
Be nice to the "almost-there" folks, because someday you're going to be one of them.
7/5/13 7:52 P
I'm talking about a person who has never been fat a day in their life
Edited by: FENWAYGIRL18 at: 7/5/2013 (19:52)
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17,596 7/5/13 7:34 P
Personally, I know what you mean .......... I really believe it is another form of OCD!! ........... It clearly is an obsession and I just ignore peeps who are rail thin and make the "I'm too fat" speech! ........... I tune a deaf ear and march to the beat of my own drum! ..........
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3,775 7/5/13 7:25 P
A lot of people, when they look into a mirror, see themselves heavier than they actually are. Maybe some have a poor body image, but when shown a photo of themselves, they are surprised at how really good they look.
everything is relative..... to someone with a real weight issue, normal range people obsessed with their body image seem over the top...but they may have body image distortions as well. (or they may have had a real weight issue at some time and never really got over it).
It's true that some folks fish for compliments but it's just as bad when a genuine compliment to a person losing weight is given and they have a problem accepting it. everything is relative
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3,521 7/5/13 3:41 P
I think all women (especially Americans) are prone to saying bad things about our bodies, fat or thin. It's a combination of fishing for compliments and cultural practice.
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2,521 7/5/13 3:17 P
Even when I was a size zero, I thought I was fat. I would look in the mirror and be horrified by all my " blubber."
It might be difficult to understand, but that size two girl who won't eat the cupcake might truly believe that she is in fact fat.
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10,266 7/4/13 12:42 A
I think sometimes it has to do with a lack of self esteem.
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7/4/13 12:33 A
I saw that on Rachel Ray today too! Just to go down one size it seems like too much, and I don't think it looked safe at all
7/4/13 12:11 A
Today I was watching Rachael Ray and this woman came on to be a ginny pig for some gadget that burns fat cells. Rachael said why do you want this done? she says oh cause of my stomach it has a lot of fat, Rachael says what stomach? Your so tiny, this girl practically had washboard abs! I thought wow this girl is getting a 6,000 dollar treatment on the show and she doesn't even need it , they should of picked out a better person from the audience. Other day we're at the store I could hear this girl saying to her hubby, oh I wish I could have a cupcake, I heard him say you want me to buy it for you? She said oh no I'm fat enough as it is, I took a look at her and was just disgusted as she must of weighed 90 lbs soak and wet!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She looked like she needed to eat a dozen cupcakes, I'm so sick of thin people fishing for compliments, I had a friend like that and when you'd say what? your thin she'd get this big smile and say awwwwwwwwwww well thank you.... oh brother! Fat isn't when your a size 2 it's when your a size 22 and your thighs are rubbing together and you can't reach your toenails to polish them not when you can bend in half and practically can kiss your own butt.....
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