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LORNALOO3 SparkPoints: (3,360)
Fitness Minutes: (1,399)
Posts: 33
8/6/12 6:05 A

I saw someone say they would not advocate divorce when there are children involved. (And even that person gave you some wise advice.) I feel exactly the opposite way about children and divorce though. I grew up with an extremely controlling father. My mother never had access to any of the money even though she was the breadwinner. Over time he escalated and became physically abusive and still, STILL she would not leave him. I grew up in a terrifying, tense home. If you are unhappy I ABSOLUTELY advocate divorce. If there are children involved I ABSOLUTELY advocate divorce. You don't want this to be the example that you set for your daughter, that her husband is in charge no matter how miserable he's making her. I know better than anyone how hard it is to leave, but I spent my whole childhood wishing my mother would pack us up and take us away.

Edited by: LORNALOO3 at: 8/6/2012 (06:07)
SLIMMERKIWI SparkPoints: (135,702)
Fitness Minutes: (33,050)
Posts: 21,787
8/6/12 5:12 A

Jessica - what you have described is a very controlling husband - he is treating you like you are paid staff, not his wife - HIS EQUAL! This is so early into the marriage and I can tell you that unless he realizes he is doing this AND not only wants to change, but DOES change, he will only get worse over time. I will suggest that if possible you salt away the odd dollar here/there that you can get away with, DON'T tell him about the bank account and use someone else's address so nothing comes to your home. This is so that if need be, you have SOMEthing to help you get away - even if it is only $50 that is far better than nothing.

I hope that your Dr is in the loop about what he is like - if not, ensure that the Dr DOES know!

Below are some links which you may find helpful re getting help with costs of medications and therapy:
www.endfatigue.com/articles/Article_cannot
_afford_medications.html


www.needymeds.org/free_clinics.taf

www.mentalhealthamerica.net/index.cfm?obje
ctid=9D19AC9F-1372-4D20-C8578D7D7848F6
53


www.needymeds.org/

suite101.com/public-healthcare-issues

As mentioned in one of the links, there ARE ways to get free therapy - through some Churches, sometimes through a teaching hospital, and even sometimes some therapists will take on some patients for free, but unless you ask, you won't get.

Another thing I am wondering, is your husband a compulsive gambler, and this is why he won't allow you access to money? It would also explain why he is seldom at home when he should be! Some people turn to controlling others because they have no control over themselves in other parts of their lives.

Good Luck,
Kris

MARIAX11 Posts: 261
8/6/12 1:31 A

Jessica,

When things don't work out in a relationship, it does not mean that there is anything wrong with you or the other person, just maybe the other person is not the right one for you. This I had to learn from my experience. I realized that after bending over backwards to do everything the "right" way for him, that I got lost along the way of who I was, and it took time for me to find myself again. This taught me that no one should ever try to change who I am, and that I cannot try to change anyone else. People show us exactly who they are and it is up to us to decide what we are willing to accept.

I have learned more than ever that I must trust my own gut instincts. Now that I do this, I am almost never wrong. Perhaps your husband has agreed to try the counseling, as a way to show you that he is willing to try, or perhaps he is just going thru the motions. Time will tell. My ex tried counseling with me, but ended up telling the therapist only what he thought she wanted to hear, and nothing really changed. I have realized that the saying is true. Actions speak louder than words. My ex-husband used to tell me every day that he loved me. Even the times when he was hitting me or choking me. Something finally clicked in my brain, that no matter how many times he said it, if his actions did not match, then it couldn't be true. Once I started to pay more attention to his actions, what was real became so much more clear.

The biggest clue for me was to see how he acted whenever I was sick. While I didn't ever have something as serious as cancer like you, my health was much worse when I was with him, and the times I was sick, like your husband, he was on the computer or watching tv, not trying to help. This showed me what little care he had for me.

Like your husband, my ex was spoiled and waited on hand and foot by his Mom and sister. He expected I would pick up where they left off. Even tho' his family was not wealthy, he always had one of his family members to bail him out of a mess he made, even tried to get me to fix things for him, and he just figured that everyone should do that for him. Never wanting to take responsibility for the problems he created. Always blaming everyone else in the world for his troubles. Same woe is me attitude. I think they like to use our empathy against us, to get sympathy for us to feel sorry for them so that we will stay. We would feel like a terrible person to leave, and this is what they use for us to continue to stay. You could agree or not.

At first I was afraid to be completely on my own again without him. He got me to believe that I needed him to survive. But it wasn't actually true. I was doing everything myself anyway, like you, so even when it was hard to take that first step, I had to do it. I really did not have a choice. He left me to fend for myself with no place to live and barely any money, so I had to start over on my own. I lost nearly everything and had to start again from scratch. There were days I wasn't sure if I would eat, but with God's grace, I made it thru little by little and got my health back and am on my way to being successful again.

Whatever you decide to do, as long as it is in the best interest of Anastasia and you, then it is not being selfish. The same preserverence that it took you to find your own way in life at age 21, will be the same strength that will get you thru these challenges. If you determine that it is best for you to go on your own, it does not mean that you don't love him anymore or that he can't be a father to Anastasia. We have but one life on this Earth, and there isn't time to be wasted on situations that are not in our favor. We cannot worry about what others think, only what we think and what God tells us to do. My prayers are with you and your little girl.

JESSICAMONT32 SparkPoints: (9,904)
Fitness Minutes: (15,887)
Posts: 273
8/5/12 3:07 P

Hi Maria

Thank you so much for the post. The last couple of days have been a real eye opener for me and I am starting to begin just what I need to do. To be healthy for myself and my daughter. My husband has agreed to counseling but at this point I dont have much faith in him. I may be wrong and maybe he might see the things differently but from what I have told is he probably wont .

I truly believe my husband lacks the ability to care for anyone but himself in the long term sense. I know he doesn't want to see anything bad happen to me or Anastasia, however when he see me struggling with my health( say like this morning I was feeling really sick from the oral chemo meds) he didn't offer me any help, he just sat on his computer.
I went to an early lunch with my girlfriends this after and I started making plans to make my move. Even though I am going to try the counseling route with him, I think at least a trial speration is called for. I already am doing the job of a single mom, so it won't be that much different. It makes me sad to see this happen, because deep down inside my husband is a good man. He is just a very very selfish and is a spoiled brat in many ways. His father is VERY wealthy and had ALWAYS done everything for my husband. ( Has gone as far as getting him out of his gambling debut before). My husband doesn't see it that way though, he thinks that is what every parent should do for the child, whether there child is underage or a grown up. I didnt grow up in household like that. My dad told me the day I turned 21 I was to find my own place. He gave me 30 days and that was it, then he changed the locks.
So in many ways I have to think what good did it do my husband getting handed everything to him. He grew up with a mom that waited on him hand and foot. So he learned that is what is to be expected. Well from me HELL NO. I am not his mother, I am Anastasia mother and that is it. The thing that gets me the most riled up, is his pathetic woe is me attitude. poor poor me, when things don't go his way. That is why I hit the roads running whenever I have chance.
Thanks for being my sounding board, I know this situation is such a mess and I am working on getting out of it or changing it for the better. Just in the mean time I feel like everything is such a struggle. I know this too shall pass but I just hope when it does I am left with a little bit of my heart not shattered.

MARIAX11 Posts: 261
8/4/12 7:34 P

Jessica,

You have cancer and your husband is worried about how much you all are spending on medical? Seriously?! I get it that he has OCD and expects a clean house, but is he so OCD that he has lost his heart? I don't mean to make you feel any worse than you already do. Your life sounds similar to mine when I was married to my ex-husband, minus children, and except that my ex was always home because he refused to work. I worked 2 jobs and he still expected me to come home, cook, clean for him and he was abusive. It is a harder choice to make when there are children involved. My ex-husband also had an on-line gambling addiction. I found out how bad it was after he used the mortgage payments on the house for his gambling habit and caused our house to go to foreclosure. I found out about it when the Sheriff came to serve me with court papers saying I had 24 hours to move out. I was almost homeless in the street! My ex had already left me a week before the Sheriff came. He knew what was happening, and left me with a huge mess to deal with. He already moved on to someone else. He accused me of cheating on him, for months and months, when it turned out he was the one. Someone he met on-line.

That was 5 years ago. I made the choice to file for divorce, because it got to a point where if I did not, he would have killed me, he had already tried, because he wanted my life insurance money. I was lonely too, even the times we were both at home, he would ignore me, always on the computer. He would shut me out and never talk to me. Just yell or order me around. He was extremely controlling, much like your husband sounds like. I could never do anything right. It got to a point, I was so nervous, walking on eggshells all the time, where I would startle at everything and always falling or bumping into things, hurting myself from being so anxious. It's not a healthy way to live. Not emotionally or mentally. And you don't want your daughter to see that this is how a man should treat her. Children see everything that goes on, and even if they are very small, they know so much more than we think.

Whenever I was sick, he would wake me up out of bed to make him something to eat because he was hungry. Really. He never did anything for me except to cause me stress and financial problems and I had gained so much weight from lack of sleep and not taking care of myself because I was too busy taking care of him. Then of course he would put me down for being fat and said I was lazy.

My life immediately improved after my ex-husband separated and divorced. I am not saying you should. Only you know what is best for you and what you can endure. I am sure that you already know that stress makes cancer worse. My best friend from high school passed away from having cancer for 8 years. She was 32 when she was diagnosed. Luckily she had a very good man that took care of her until the day she died.

You can write me anytime and I will be here for you. None of this is your fault. You have been doing the best you can. Your husband has control issues. And he sounds very selfish, like my ex-husband was. After I divorced, I completed a Master's degree in Psychology, so I do know what I am talking about when it comes to mental health.

Don't give up on yourself, Jessica. No matter what he might say, you are stronger than he is and you deserve only the best for you and Anastasia!

Maria

JESSICAMONT32 SparkPoints: (9,904)
Fitness Minutes: (15,887)
Posts: 273
8/4/12 7:20 P

Hi HMAZIS
I realize that if he and I don't get the help that it is not setting a good example for my daughter. The last thing I want is that. He and I spoke this evening after he finally got home and he has agreed to do some counseling, hopefully this will work . If I don't see some major improvements or strides in changing then I will be prepared to move out and start a new life without him. I am terrified of this, for many reasons but the most important equation in the picture is my daughter, she deserves to have a happy mommy and not to grow up in a household where there is no respect and so much tension

HOLLYM48 Posts: 6,201
8/4/12 4:46 P

I am not an advocate for divorce, especially when children are involved, but you really need to ask yourself if you are better off with him or without him. This is not a healthy relationship. Do you have friends or family that you can stay with until you get this sorted out? If you do, I say until he is willing to try counseling with you, this marriage is doomed. Get help before it is too late for both you and your daughter. You do not want her to grow up with this kind of relationship between her mother and father thinking that is normal behavior. She will learn from you and end up in the same boat as you. You sound strong enough to know that you may need to get out and move on. Do it for both of your sakes!

JESSICAMONT32 SparkPoints: (9,904)
Fitness Minutes: (15,887)
Posts: 273
8/4/12 1:03 P

Hi everyone,

Thanks for the replays and just letting me vent. I have been seeing a professional for the last two years. Unfortunately because of my cancer and the cost of meds making co-payments to my therapist is out of the question( not that we dont have enough money, just my husband doesn't think its important and is freaking out how much we are spending on medical these days) \

My counselor has mentioned that it is controlling and in many ways I know it is, I just have to admit. I am terrified of being a single mom. I don't know if I am emotionally strong enough for it. Though also this situation is not healthy for Anastasia. She sees how unhappy her mommy is ( even though I try so hard to put a smile on my face everyday and not get to impatient with her) She misses her daddy so much, she asks to call him all the time.

The house chores I have basically all but given up on. I set aside two days a week to deep cleaning such as vacuuming, cleaning floors and bathrooms, cleaning my daughters room. The other days I just tidy up and make sure the dishes are done. I flat out told him last night if this is how things are going to be with him never around then he will need to accept that the house will not be up to his standards. Which is unreachable anyways because he suffers from OCD. If he had his way the cabinets would be organized by alphabet
I know he isnt cheating on me. I dont worry about that, what I do know he is doing is online gambling and that is why he doesnt want me to access the bank accounts. Its just an all around messy situation and without my counselor these days things are just building up for me. Working out is my sanity time. It lets me get my anger and anxiety out. I have to admit I am angry about the cancer, that it took so much from me, that my husband isn't has supportive as most spouses are. That i am 32 and looking at being a single mom with no prospects of ever have more children( I always dreamed of having 2 children). Though I am sooo lucky that the type of ovarian cancer wasnt not fed off my hormones and was able to freeze our embryo's . My husband and I signed a contract that if we were to get divorced that the embryo's would be destroyed and I just can't even to begin to process all that. But at this point I wouldnt want to have another baby with this man. So you can see it's just a mess and I'm sorry for venting to so much. Just one of those cranky days, its so humid, and my daughter won't nap. Just going to take a deep breath and keep repeating this too shall pass.

LOVE4KITTIES Posts: 1,925
8/4/12 12:38 P

The fact that your husband doesn't give you free access to the bank accounts sets off all sorts of warning bells for me and sounds very controlling. The "dinner on the table" and "super organized home" expectations also sound very controlling, especially as it sounds like he's not helping with any of this, just telling you that this is what he expects. If you can, I'd recommend some professional counseling (for you, without your husband) to help you determine your next step here.

ARCHIMEDESII SparkPoints: (141,995)
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Posts: 20,886
8/4/12 7:03 A

Jessica !

I am so sorry you're having a rough time. It's not easy taking care of a house and a toddler. It's even more difficult when your husband expects you to do all the work without any support.

If you're feeling really stressed out, can you take the baby and go back home for a weekend ? Some time away from your husband may help everyone think things through. Would your hubby consider marriage counseling ? if he doesn't want to go to counseling, would he consider talking to your local religious figure or trusted relative for mediation ?

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LOVEXAVIE SparkPoints: (29,872)
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Posts: 2,016
8/3/12 9:36 P

Oh Jessica.

I am so sorry you are going through this tough and lonely time.
I don't have much to offer you other than a cyber hug. I'm glad you reached out to your fellow Sparkers.

Sounds like you and hubby do need to talk and decide where to go from here. The first year of marriage can often be the toughest as people adjust, etc.

Good luck to you.


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RADIOTIKSPARK1 SparkPoints: (7,841)
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Posts: 638
8/3/12 8:47 P

I wish there was something I or anyone could say to make things better for you tight now. For the moment, you just have to get through today, go to sleep, and wake up tomorrow...and you will get through today. Tomorrow you will wake up and your beautiful daughter will be there. Whatever happens next, you have her and that is an amazing thing, isn't it? Maybe there is something special that you can do with her tomorrow? (I'm not sure how old she is, but something that makes you feel nice and close to her?)

The situation that you describe sounds pretty rough and you don't sound very happy. I know it is hard to do with so much worry around, but now is the time that you should try to do some soul searching. You are unhappy now, but do you know exactly what would make you happy? Do you know what you are looking for? Basically, are you at a point where you can fully, clearly, and calmly articulare to him what you see as going wrong and what both of you need to do to make it right? He sounds like he is a poor communicator so it is up to you to spell it out for him...moreover you owe it to yourself to get your feelings straight: you don't want a dramatic life change to happen before you have had time to think it through.

This is the point where I suggest that you talk to a professional about your relationship. It sounds like the likelihood of him going into couples counseling is slim, but really your first step is you. See a counselor and let them help you clarify and organize your thoughts on all of this. This is a whole lot to handle and you don't need to sort it all out on your own. They make difficult situations so much more manageable. It is really a very positive thing to do.

But again, now, just make it through tonight.

JESSICAMONT32 SparkPoints: (9,904)
Fitness Minutes: (15,887)
Posts: 273
8/3/12 7:58 P

I am just reaching out because I can't get a hold of any of my friends or family and feeling very down. This has nothing to do with weight loss nor fitness. Its more that I am feeling so overwhelmed. I have been married for a little over a year and I am not sure but I might be heading for a divorce. My husband is NEVER home, he always makes excuses not to be here with our daughter and I. I feel like a single mom in so many ways but with the feeling of being tied down to a schedule my husbands wants me to keep. Such as a dinner on the table but he never is home to eat with us, a house that is super organized when I struggle with organization. He wants me to handle all the bills but makes it difficult for me to get it done but he doesn't give me free access to the bank accounts. All those things I can accept but what I am struggling with is the loneliness, I feel like I am raising our daughter by myself and in many ways I am. What is the point of being married if you never see your spouse? I starting to feel that maybe he doesnt want to be in this marriage and I have finally seen the light. I don't want to be a single mom, never invisioned it for myself but by each passing day I feel like we are heading for divorce court. There is no use in talking to him about it because he won't talk about it. He will just shut me out. So to me that tells me he doesn't care. After my daughter goes to bed tonight I think I just need a really good cry.

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