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KONRAD695 SparkPoints: (65,845)
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10/2/12 7:32 P

Hope things are working out for you. Here is a totally different idea. Sometimes success in one person(your weight loss) is felt as a failure to another persons self image(him not having self-improvement) This happened in my life, I received some negative treatment and really lazy home life when I lost weight and started toning up. It took a while (6 months) to clear up, she has even decided to try shaping up too. Been there, know it sucks. emoticon

NHOYLE1 Posts: 351
10/1/12 6:55 P

I disagree with the not talking about it part. You should communicate in a healthy manner. That being said, actions are important too. If you are at almost no touching or communicating affection through physical touch, and then coming on quite strongly, he may very well feel uncomfortable. But if you have been physically affectionate with him for most of the evening before you get into bed, snuggling, perhaps massaging him or resting your head on his shoulder, he may be much more into it when the time comes.
I do recommend trying at different times. I read somewhere that men are more "morning people" than women are when it comes to sex.

JADOMB SparkPoints: (94,390)
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9/30/12 2:21 P

Interesting take on the talking part. I'm not sure I agree, or at least for all couples anyway. But I do see where you are coming from. Many men truly don't like to talk things out, but some do, so I guess on this point, a women needs to understand her man.

But I do agree with most everything else you commented on.

SAILOR64 SparkPoints: (15,384)
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9/30/12 10:29 A

Isn't it interesting how many women "weigh in" in a forum called "The Guy's Lounge"? Good for you girls, I think this means you are trying to learn more about how a man thinks.

So, back to the issue at hand.

First, I would suggest you find a counselor to talk to, either informally or formally, about your issues. Next, without knowing all of the specifics of your marriage, I have a few ideas.

1. I'm sure your husband has noticed the physical changes in your appearance. I'm also sure he had noticed how much more attention you are getting from other men these days. You should know that a guy knows when his woman is being checked out by other men.

2. I'm also pretty sure the upswing in your libido has come to his attention.

These things may not have the desired effect on your husband. He may think you are "getting all sexy" for another man. He may be insecure in his relationship with you and this is putting pressure on him that he may not realize or acknowledge, He may be insecure with how he looks and that could be affecting his desire for you. Your new found aggressiveness in the bedroom may be "threatening" too him in some subconscious way.

Many men often think they would like it if there wife/girlfriend/partner were more aggressive in bed. Then when it happens it actually raises flags, especially when it hasn't happened before. Guys sometimes overthink things and frequently good to bad places in their heads where suspicion hangs out.

If you really want to understand him, stop talking to him. That's how women communicate to each other. I know it sounds caveman like, but it's not how we (as men) are. The old axiom "actions speak louder than words" applies here. Be coy. Snuggle up next to him on the couch, let him put his arm around you and just sit there QUIETLY. Let him take his time. Just don't do it during football unless your willing to sit there for 3 hours (LOL). Let him be the aggressor. Oh, and where some loose fitting clothing. This will help.

Men are creatures of habit. Try being available in the morning after he's had a good night's sleep. Nothing gets your day off to a good start like a romp in the hay after a hot shower.

There are many other things you can do and none of them are in Cosmopolitan. Try YahooHealth. Lots of good tips in there.

Good luck.

JADOMB SparkPoints: (94,390)
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9/28/12 3:27 P

Complex topic and most folks covered most the issues. I don't know of anyone that doesn't end up going through this sometime in their relationships. And the longer one is married, the more times one can go through these slumps. But the best thing is to talk it out with one's spouse and try to come up with solutions. Just guessing can be frustrating and misleading. Keep the faith.

KJFITNESSDUDE Posts: 15,787
6/30/12 1:51 P

I recommend "Kinky Sex"!

static7.depositphotos.com/1248597/757/i/45
0/dep_7579817-Busty-blonde-fetish-mode
l.jpg


Who doesn't like a little "play time" in the bedroom?

emoticon

ANNE007 Posts: 153
6/30/12 1:19 P

I'm with you girls, and it is frustrating. Especially when the stereotype is that men aren't getting enough sex. Who would think there are so many women out there who are unhappy about the lack of sex in their relationship? It's just not something women talk about.

Good suggestions from other posters, though.

Good luck!

TURTLESDOVE Posts: 1,061
6/28/12 4:04 P

Trish, I feel your pain. I have an extremely high sex drive and when my husband wasn't getting any work, his stress made him be "not frisky" and man did I suffer. I really hope your situation gets better, I really do.

TRISH377 SparkPoints: (45)
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6/28/12 3:40 P

Ha! Amy, that's pretty funny. We don't ever even go to Wal-Mart together, or if we do, we split up almost immediately, he goes to the sporting goods and I go foraging. :) That's just another piece of the puzzle, we're not one of those couples who do much together. I've never been happy about it but have come to terms with the fact that he's never going to be that guy. Sex is a whole other story, though. Sex has always brought us together and very often afterward is when we have our best talks or our biggest laughs and maybe even end up doing it again. So not having that is a big deal. He's even done the "let's just cuddle" thing a few times recently. Talk about resentment. I'm trying to be all hot and sexy and freaky and he wants to cuddle. I feel like our roles are reversed.

TURTLESDOVE Posts: 1,061
6/28/12 3:28 P

yeah, I can see how that would be embarrassing and all. I was with my husband one day in Wal-mart and I accidentally blurted out, "honey, did you get your hemmoroid creme?" He got so mad at me! LOL! But seriously, tell him it's nothing to be ashamed of. Yes, please keep us informed ok?

TRISH377 SparkPoints: (45)
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6/28/12 3:16 P

No, he doesn't smoke or drink, he gets plenty of exercise at work. I'm not on the verge of leaving b/c of this. He's the only man I've ever been with and the only one I want. I just want him to want me! I will let y'all know how he responds to talking to a dr. I honestly don't think he'll be in favor of it, pride and all that. He'd just die if he knew I was talking to anyone even anonymously.

ERICWS SparkPoints: (8,307)
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6/28/12 2:32 P

Well, if my wife offered me unlimited sex and was in fine form as well, I would make sure I was ready to accomodate! emoticon

The dr may just say for him to get some more exercise or improve his diet. Does he smoke? Drink much? Maybe he just needs to tweak thinga a bit to the healthy side, for everything to keep the mojo going properly.

Give him a chance- you've been married 17 years, so a little bit of time for this to straighten out shouldn't matter too much.

TRISH377 SparkPoints: (45)
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6/28/12 2:28 P

Ha, well I wouldn't say MOST men. :) I am getting a lot more attention (which I haven't really gotten in a while) and I've been out and about by myself more b/c my daughter is older and has a job so she's not my constant shadow anymore. So I've been approached (not propositioned!) in places like the grocery store or at the gas station, etc. Which boosts my self-esteem of course, but he doesn't see me in that light, I guess. I know 17 years is a long time to be married and you get into a comfortable rut, but I do hear his friends (close to the same age or older) complaining about not getting enough sex and my female friends complain about husbands bugging them for more sex and I'm like... really? I honestly wonder if my hormones are kind of wacked out right now. To say I'm frustrated would be accurate. I will talk to him about the Low T thing. I've seen commercials about the condition and have thought about bringing it up, I just don't think he'll be very receptive. But it's worth a shot.

TURTLESDOVE Posts: 1,061
6/28/12 1:55 P

I know how frustrating this can be for you Trish. It's like most of the men I meet want to go to bed with me and my own husband don't kind of thing. It doesn't make sense to me. I want my husband and him only or I would have just stayed single and dated different guys, so I know your frustrated. I would take Erics advice and get his testosterone checked.

TRISH377 SparkPoints: (45)
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6/28/12 11:22 A

I don't at all have a problem with your suggestion, Eric. I will bring it up to him. Thanks.

ERICWS SparkPoints: (8,307)
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6/28/12 11:14 A

He needs to go see his doctor.

Not sure why you have a problem with my suggestion. It's far better than your worrying that he is having an affair, etc. That is highly unlikely.

Much more likely: he is getting older. He isn't old, but the reality is he is not 22 years old any longer.

He may need his "T" checked. Maybe he needs to lose that extra weight you said that he has, like you've done. You know how you feel better- he will too.

TRISH377 SparkPoints: (45)
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6/28/12 10:40 A

He works in a factory. It's pretty brutal in the summer for him, get's very hot, so I do take that into consideration, I know he's drained. But he's not too drained to do other physical activities. Also, without being too graphic, I'm willing to put forth most of the exertion, he can pretty much just lay back and enjoy if he wants. I wouldn't dare talk about this with anyone we know. I guess I was just wondering if this is common for men his age, just to lose interest, or if there's something I can do? It may sound like I'm nagging and pressuring him all the time, but I'm trying to consciously avoid that as I know it can have the opposite effect. Who wants to go to bed with a whiny, naggy woman, right? But when we had our heart to heart discussion where I brought up some other things that were bothering me, he said he had no idea I felt that way and that I had to tell him in plain English what I want or need from him. So a few weeks ago when I initiated sex and he wasn't into it, I said very plainly, "Just so we're clear, I want to have sex all the time. So any night you feel like it, it's a go for me." He said I didn't used to be like that, but I don't remember another time in our marriage when I would approach him and have him turn me down. And everytime I get turned down, it's humiliating.

TURTLESDOVE Posts: 1,061
6/28/12 9:33 A

Trish, what does he do for a living? My husband's plumbing business just recently picked up and now he's booming with work. I see a world of difference in him. I think it does something to a mans ego when he can't provide for his family like he wants to. He is alot more frisky now that he feels better about things. I'm just asking? I dunno!

ERICWS SparkPoints: (8,307)
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6/28/12 5:38 A

I think he should get a medical checkup and blood work.

TRISH377 SparkPoints: (45)
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6/27/12 11:30 P

sorry for the double posts, I don't know what I did to cause that...

Edited by: TRISH377 at: 6/28/2012 (10:04)
TRISH377 SparkPoints: (45)
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6/27/12 11:14 P

The discussion came about because of my insecurity issues and me trying to explain my reaction to his having lunch with a female coworkers. (yes, i know i have issues) It was a relatively calm conversation, but I brought up the reason I even considered he mighr be having an affair was our lack of sex. After assuring me he's not sleeping with anyone else, he said he was just worn out all the time and he would make more of an effort, didn't realize it was bothering me so much. Since that discussion I have made more overtures and put it on the table that I would like regular "relations". I love my husband very very much, I am not just using him for sex, didn't mean for it to sound that way. But we were married so young (pregnancy) and sex has always been a big connection. We do not have a lot of the same intetests, our daughter is nearly grown and has her own life. It's a complicated issue with lots of layers, I guess it may be too involved. But I appreciate your input.

ADOS-ADOS Posts: 125
6/27/12 10:43 P

Maybe you went in too strongly. Start with a serious accusation and then say you only want him for sex? I bet he got really defensive, and who wouldn't?

If that was just an emotional, in-the-moment thing, it wasn't a sit-down serious discussion. If you said those things in cold blood and meant them, then maybe you need to consider whether you really want to be married to him. It's sad, but nobody deserves to be in a loveless marriage.

On the other hand, sometimes we lose touch with ourselves and our loved ones when something is getting us down. I know when I get really depressed everything seems hopeless and bleak, and nothing is ever going to be good again, but it's all a delusion brought on by my emotional state, rather than based on the reality of my situation. Ashley and I have had times when we decided we didn't love each other anymore for whatever reason, but we yelled and cried and discussed and all that late into the night and eventually just having a good cry made us both feel better. We've been in a relationship since December of 2006, and we're still going strong.

I would suggest having a serious discussion with YOURSELF first. Think about all the good things your marriage has, and all the bad. Think about whether you'd be able to forgive him for an affair if he's having one, assuming he cuts it off completely and works on the problems in your relationship like a mature adult. (I would do so in my own relationship, as having her is more important to me than my sense of pride.) Think about why you're together, and whether you should still be together at all.

If you decide your marriage isn't so bad after all, then I suggest setting a time aside with him, planned ahead of time by both of you, to sit down with him CALMLY, and have a serious DISCUSSION, not angry rant, with him, starting with a sincere apology. Then explain, CALMLY, why you're unhappy, and then ask him why he is acting the way he is, and don't sit on the edge of your seat waiting to snap at him. Give him a chance and listen, and be prepared for him to be just as frustrated as you are. If you're prepared to forgive him for an affair if he keeps a promise to cut it off completely, let him know that. Have a two-way discussion about what you both feel is missing in your marriage, AS WELL AS WHAT YOU FEEL IS GOOD, and discuss ways you can make things better or whether you need to seek help from doctors or a marriage counselor.

I've never been married, but the basics of how to maintain a healthy romance are the same for everyone.

Edited by: ADOS-ADOS at: 6/29/2012 (10:22)
TRISH377 SparkPoints: (45)
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6/27/12 10:11 P

Yes. Basically asked if he was having an affair and letting him know I don't feel any real connection to him without that intimacy. Tho.FS got better for a while, starting to drop off a bit again. Our daughter has been away for the week, we've had the house to ourselves, but It's just been... uneventful.

ADOS-ADOS Posts: 125
6/27/12 10:06 P

Have you tried sitting down with him and having a serious discussion about it?

TRISH377 SparkPoints: (45)
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6/27/12 10:05 P

sorry - double post..

Edited by: TRISH377 at: 6/28/2012 (10:05)
TRISH377 SparkPoints: (45)
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6/27/12 10:03 P

He works hard, maybe a little overweight.... I think he looks good! :) and I tell him that. It's not like a dysfunction problem. If I really force the issue, he can perform, I just feel so rejected when I basically throw myself at him and he puts me off. It just makes me feel kind of panicky thinking that we're too young to already be having this issue.

ERICWS SparkPoints: (8,307)
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6/27/12 9:23 P

Something not involving you, as in stress at work or not feeling too great right now. His "biorythm" may be down right now a bit.

How healthy is he? If he is overweight or not eating too well, not exercising, etc., he could be dipping a bit from his youthful ways prematurely....



TRISH377 SparkPoints: (45)
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6/27/12 7:50 P

I've been married for 17 years, we wed at 17 and 19. Over the years I gained about 50 lbs. I know that's a lot, even on my 5'8 frame, but he has always seemed very attracted to me. as Actually, sex has been the one common denominator for us. Recently I have dropped about 30 lbs and have been feeling a lot more confident, therefore I pretty much want sex all the time. He on the other hand seems uninterested. I've expressed to him in no uncertain terms that i want sex at least a few times a week, but he just laughs it off and says he's an old man. He's 36, I'm 34. I don't think it's that I'm just completely undesirable, i do get flirted with/hit on. Can I get some input on what the issues may be? any help would be greatly appreciated.

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