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TOPIC:  

is Separation or divorce the answer



 
 
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FINEFITT
SparkPoints: (2,857)
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Posts: 97
6/7/11 6:53 A

We all need love, trust and respect; I know that children need to see happiness and joy from parents. If being together causes a lack of trust for the children then move forward and be the best parents for the children.



NHTHMS
Posts: 87
6/6/11 8:21 P

I'm so sorry to hear your story. I wish you luck! I understand the frustration the lack of respect brings to a relationship.. and how it hurts the children involved. I also understand it's hard to leave the relationship- often it seems like there is no where to go. I hope you find the right answers and strength to make the right decisions.



CJRAMSEIER
SparkPoints: (16,054)
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Posts: 95
6/6/11 3:23 P

Basically it comes down to you. Only you know what is best for you and your children. But I do agree with everyone else. IT has become phyiscal and he is now including his family. This will not change. You need to protect yourself and your children. There are resources out there to help you. Please get counseling for yourself and look into other resources to help you.




SUNSETSMILE
Posts: 271
6/6/11 2:25 P

I don't think you are going to get a better response than COASTIE78.

I was divorced last year from a man who did not respect me. It was the best thing I ever did. I have 2 small boys 5 & 7.

YOU and only you can make the decision if you have had enough. I look back and for the life of me & can't figure out why I did not leave sooner. Catholic girl thing? Family belief about divorce? Fear of making it with 2 small kids? Money? I am doing it and so can you.

If the guy does not respect you, you cannot demand it. Since it has been physical you need to get yourself out of the situation, but only you can get yourself to realize that this is a move you have to make. Double threatening now that his family is getting involved.

My advice, seek counseling for yourself without any family members. A counselor would be able to help guide you through the decisions you need to make. My youngest also has issues. His whole life has improved getting him out of a house where there was constant fighting (yelling, screaming, name calling). We share joint custody. It is not easy because the ex still tries to control me, however, counseling has helped me to empower myself.

My 2 cents, under a separation he will still be able to control your every move. I would go for the divorce.

Good luck. Feel free to contact me if you ever need moral support. Like I said I have just been there.



MUMMYUK2
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6/6/11 10:02 A

There have been several studies done that have found that out of the following groups of children.

A) Stable 2 parent household
B) Disfunctional 2 parent household
C) Stable 1 parent household

The children in group B fared much worse than any other group and groups A & C were comparable.

Also you are teaching your children by example how to treat others and that fighting, verbal abuse and disrepect is NORMAL which is a scary prospect





JMIRROR
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Posts: 768
6/5/11 11:26 P

Both marriage and family counseling may be helpful. I recall going for counseling for myself and after the first session the counselor told me that I needed marriage counseling. I was recently married (14 years ago) and had not kids but my marriage was rocky. My husband agree to go to counseling with me and we got help on a number of thing like fighting fair etc. Consider counseling.... emoticon



MARYSABEAN
Posts: 687
6/5/11 1:31 P

When my husband and the mother of his children separated and later divorced, they were called to meet with the boys' teachers. The teachers wanted to know what had changed in their household because the boys were behaving and acting much better. They were not arguing and fighting in front of the boys, and it showed in the boys' attitudes. You have children, and you do not want your arguments and your husband's behavior affecting the children negatively. Maybe some counseling would be helpful, but, if he doesn't respect you, you need to consider whether you should stay together.



BOOSMOM03
Posts: 3,560
6/1/11 9:56 P

Chiming in with both Luann and LKNEELAND - you can't truly have love when there's no respect. You've been in family counseling, but have you two gone to couples counseling? And I will agree that if he won't go, you need to go on your own.

The huge red flag to me is the kids - it's bad enough that he's treated you the way you say he has, AND that he's let his brother do it, too (which to me is COMPLETELY uncalled for and inappropriate). But if you've gotten into physical confrontations, that's so so so unhealthy for the kids. That HAS to stop whether you stay or not.

Best of luck. The only person who can really make this decision is you. It's a hard decision to make to leave or end a marriage (been there, done that, although a very different situation), but in the end, if it's what is best for you and your children, then it's a road you have to take.



LKISINSATIABLE
Posts: 382
5/31/11 5:59 P

I agree with Luann, there is no love without respect. I would also add equality to that. And it seems that the family counseling is not helping. At some point, you have to do what's best not only for you, but your kids. This is not a healthy environment for anyone, not you, not your kids, and not even your husband. From what you're describing, your four year old may be taking his behavioral cues from his father. I would try marriage counseling, but it sounds like something's got to give, and soon or you may be dealing with three people disrespecting you (hubby + kids) instead of just one.



COASTIE78
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Posts: 8
5/28/11 8:42 P

From personal experiance from being married to an A$$hole I know how it feels. This is what I tell everyone. Untill you have had enough of this lifestyle you will never change it. Friends and family can always try to give you thier two sense worth. ( That is all its worth). It may be very frustrating and depressing to be with someone like that. One thing I have learned is that you can not force anyone to try to make the marriage work. If you force it it will only lead to animosity from your husband. Obviously you know that both of you need counseling. If he wont do it, then for the sake of your children you should do it. YOu will realize how strong you can become and face the facts that you dug yourself a hug hole. There are always resources to help you out. STart being selfish and take care of yourself and take care of your kids. YOur husband is a big boy and can take care of himself.



LUANN_IN_PA
Posts: 15,831
5/28/11 7:14 P

There cannot be love without respect IMHO!

You must leave a relationship that has gotten violent (physically & verbally as noted in your post)... it is a bad example for your kids.



JENMC14
Posts: 2,707
5/28/11 6:35 P

Has he been this way the whole 6 years? Do you want to stay? You should seek couples counselling and you should go on your own if you want to keep plugging away. Of course he straightens out when you threaten to leave. But, since you never follow through, it doesn't last. If you want it to work, you need to have a come to Jesus with him about his behavior and insist on counselling. If he refuses or doesn't listen, then yeah, my gut, not knowing the whole situation, based solely on this post is to take your kids & leave. File a legal seperation (if it's available in your state) if you're not quite ready for a divorce, get a visitation and custody order in place and go from there. Many, many hugs to you.



MS2MRSBRAGG
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Posts: 10
5/28/11 10:18 A

So I can only imagine the responses I may receive after telling my story but here goes. I have been with my husband for almost 6yrs and only been married for almost 1 (july) But in the time we have been together things have been so rocky. We have two beautiful boys. In just the past year my husband and I have physically fought more than once, he has left for weeks at a time (not cheating just cooling off) But last week we had a small argument about him watching the kids while I ran errands. It was very small but exploded when apparently he called his brother who thought it ok to come to our house and call me every bad name not in the bible!! My husband just stood there and watched not saying a word to stop his brother. Needless to say his brother and I got into an even bigger argument than me and my husband and they left together. He stayed with his brother for 5 days before returning home. At this point I love him but feels he has no respect for me or our children and obviously thinks its ok for his family to treat me the same (more than just this occasion) I feel like our relationship will never be the same. We have been in family counseling (for our 4 yr olds behavior) since january and it doesn't seem to be doing anything for our relationship. I say i'm leaving and of course he straightens up (this will be the first time I leave or threaten to) But i just don't know if we need to try a different way or call it quits. (love and fidelity have never been an issue) Just respect and equality. HELLPPP because I feel like i'm about to be a newlywed divorcee!!!



 
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