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MARIA11X Posts: 516
8/17/12 2:24 A

There are some excellent books out about co-dependency. There is no doubt that you are consuming yourself with your husband's addiction. And possibly trying to soothe your stress by eating. It seems you recognize that it's all not working for you.

As in most cases of co-dependency, the non-alcoholic (in your case) tries to "fix" everything, and feels out of control if you are not actively "fixing" everything for him. The non-addicted one also has a tendency to put themselves last, and this is where you will need to stop that pattern and put yourself first for a change. You are worth it! You deserve to be taken care of too, not just him!

Addicts and those who tend to live in a drama & chaos-filled environment, they thrive on this lifestyle, and cannot seem to function in a calm environment. Once things are calm, usually the addict has to stir something up and everyone runs around like their hair is on fire trying to get it calm again.

Recognize that your husband is a grown man. He got himself into this, so he is going to have to deal with his own consequences. Rather than you drive him all over hell, why not he take the bus, or find another way, or walk or ride a bicycle? There is a fine line with wanting to help, and with enabling. The more you enable him, it gives him no reason to change. You are hoping that this is his last DUI. However, if he sees that you are ready to jump in and take over and bail him out of a mess each time he gets himself in trouble, he will continue to do the same things he is doing. He may not even be aware that he is taking you for granted. It becomes more of a parent-child relationship dynamic rather than husband-wife as equal partners. I dealt with this in my previous marriage, me ex-husband, while not an addict, he was very needy and expected me to baby him. When I didn't, he became abusive. He was a rage-aholic.

Rather than al-anon, I would suggest, if I may, if you are able to go to a support group, group counseling or a therapist instead. I'm not knocking al-anon, but they do not allow "cross-talk", which means that no one is allowed to give each other advice or suggestions. They are mainly only allowed to hear each other speak. Listening is fine, but if you ever have some real questions, they would not be able to answer them.

And there is such a thing of becoming "addicted" to al-anon and 12 step programs. I have known of some people who have gone to 12 step programs for 20 years, and nothing really changes for them, but they continue to go to the programs. The programs can work, but not for everyone. Perhaps investigate some other resources that might fit better for you and with your schedule. You could always call a 24 hour help line, a lot of counties have an on-call crisis line available if you need to talk to someone. Find out from your county how to contact them.

I do not mean for anything I've said to you to be harsh. My Dad is an alcoholic so I grew up with that. He still drinks, but now as an adult, I have control of how much I want to involve myself with that. As a child, I didn't have a choice. Also, I have a psychology background, so I am very familiar with the traits of co-dependency.

I would like to recommend rather than giving in to your food cravings at 2 a.m., and if you don't want to call your sponsor, try writing your feelings down in a journal, or read a book to take your mind away from food.

Feel free to message me anytime. I don't come on here every day, but if I see a message from you, I will get back to you.

MAMA_CD Posts: 1,507
8/16/12 9:09 P

We're here for you 24/7. You're recognizing your needs and that is a great step. Alanon should be helpful when you're able to get there.

ARCHIMEDESII SparkPoints: (196,935)
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8/16/12 1:04 P


I'm really sorry to hear about your husband. Dealing with alcoholism is never an easy thing. Is he going to AA ? Does he acknowledge that he has a problem ? maybe this DUI will be his wake up call. maybe he'll get the help he needs.

For now, if you can't make it to AL-NON, you might consider joining a spark team. There is an AA for Sparkers team. You may find it helpful and supportive to talk to other members in a similar circumstance.

Al-NON also has an outreach program on the web. if you can't make local meetings, why not join one of the online support groups ?

As far as drowning out the siren calls of the treats in the frig, that's not going to be easy. When a person is under a lot of stress, they may turn to food for comfort. That's something that's happened to us all. Have you read any of the spark articles on emotional eating ? there are lots, but you might want to start with this one. It has many good techniques you can try to help you reduce your stress eating.

Edited by: ARCHIMEDESII at: 8/16/2012 (13:07)
BODKINVANHORN SparkPoints: (894)
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Posts: 15
8/16/12 9:25 A

Hi. My daughter's dad is an alcoholic and drug user. He still lives with us (he has no job, can't move out), but not for long. I used to use but I don't even think about using anymore, really, I know i have to be present for my daughter but I understand the temptation. I give in to the junk food though and it's been BAD lately. I have trouble getting to the alanon meetings, if I go from work, i have to deal with all kinds of crap at home, after and if I leave from home, I have to take my 3yo. Which is weird to me. Call your sponsor, she wants you to call her, that's why she's your sponsor! :) If not at 2am, maybe just ring her up and talk to her. Tell her what's up. Hugs to you, sister. You can do it. So can I.
Thanks for the link for the online al-anon, i'll check that out. :)

SLIMMERKIWI SparkPoints: (246,593)
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8/16/12 6:16 A

I have been in a very similar situation to you, except I am not an alcoholic and don't have addictions. Hubby has tried talking me out of going to a Counselor on occasion and I have told him that altho' it is because of his drinking, the counselor is about ME and helping ME. You need to put YOU first in this instance. On the day that you would go to an al-anon meeting, why not suggest that he find his own way to work if possible. Is he in a situation where he might be able to start work later to accommodate your needs?

Here is a link to an on-line al-anon - perhaps you may like to try that if you can't get to the live one.

I can understand to a degree how his addiction could affect yours, but you really need to be firm with yourself and try not to let it be an excuse, because that is what it is - it isn't a reason. Hope it doesn't come across as hard because that isn't how I intend it to be, but just that we each have to take responsibility for our own actions.

Take care,

ZORBS13 SparkPoints: (194,014)
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8/16/12 6:13 A

sorry to hear about this. One of my closest friends is an alcoholic, but he stopped drinking completely after having a seizure last winter. If you are getting up in the middle of the night, perhaps focussing on sleeping through the night will help?

SANDIEMAC1 SparkPoints: (0)
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8/16/12 3:39 A

my husband is an alcoholic and just got his first (better be last) dui....we've been to court and now have to jump thru all the hoops to pay his fines. probation and get his hardhsip license back, MY problem is that i keep letting HIS addiction set MINE off. i KNOW i need to go to al-anon but right now with driving him to/from work i'm not able to make any of the 3 in town. need to look for one by his job that i can work around. i get up in the middle of the night and cuz 2 or 3AM i'm not wanting to call my sponsor and wake HER up i need a place to go when this happens so i can be distracted from hearing the siren call of the cinnamelts in the freeze...HELP ME!

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