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Dear it's going to be okay.
Stop beating yourself up. It won't do anything other then ruin your day.
At one point or another everyone has been in your shoes. The feeling of horror about ones body or disappointment is very common. It's very possible for that feeling to go away or at least not to occur as frequently. It just takes time, encouragement, and positively. It also helps not to surround yourself with negative people. There are guys and people in-general who DON'T care about your body. Educated, wiser, and more kind people do care about other things. For instance I know my boyfriend didn't pick me for my body. He loves other qualities I have.
So my advice is to keep your head up and think about other things. Perfection does not exist in this world/
CHRISTASP Posts: 1,620
11/27/13 3:00 P
My best advice is to stop thinking about all this and focus on something that is really, really of interest to you. Do something that you love and/or that helps the world.
Take your mind off this.
My thought is: it really, honestly does not matter if you are attractive or not. If people like your body or not. It does not even matter all that much if YOU like your body or not. What you DO with it is what matters and I don't mean exercise. I mean using your body to show others kindness. Using it to clean your home or that of a friend or a relative. Using it to make something or create art. Use it. And you may start to feel good about yourself and your body in the process.
Edited by: CHRISTASP at: 11/27/2013 (16:23)
ADARKARA Posts: 1,746
11/27/13 11:39 A
First off, if you're on a dating site... DON'T SEND DUDES NAKED PICTURES OF YOURSELF! If you were going on a blind date in person, and you showed up to the restaurant and the dude said "hey I'm not going to stick around unless you strip first", would you do it?! You're setting yourself up for disappointment with this guy!
It's obvious your self esteem needs some work. You're never going to find love in someone else if you don't find it in yourself first. I tell all my friends "love drops in on you when you stop looking for it".
Work on loving who YOU are. Any guy worth his salt will love you for YOU, not because your body is one way or the other.
I met my husband online a whopping 12 years ago, before dating sites. We talked on a message board for more than a year, we were friends first, before we decided to meet. Guess what? I was fat then. He didn't love me for my body, he loved me for my MIND, MY HEART and MY SOUL. I'm thin now, with stretch marks and bat wing arms. HE STILL LOVES ME because the person I am INSIDE is strong.
I was fat for a long time, but it wasn't until I figured out (with a psychologists help) what was really holding me back. For me, it was that I was always worried people were going to abandon me if I didn't bend over backwards to please them, even if they were EMOTIONALLY ABUSING me. Therapy taught me that those people are not worth my time.
The only person who needs to love you is YOU.
(I realize I'm coming on strong and what I'm saying might sound harsh. I apologize for my delivery. I've been where you are, and I've gotten out of that mire of self-hatred, and so can YOU.)
199.9 - ONEderland is its own reward!!! DONE 02/15/13
190 - Take in fave jean skirt DONE 05/09/13
180 - mini vacation w/ hubs to Asheville, NC! DONE 10/26/13
175 (100 lbs lost) - Repeat Delaware Water Gap hike I did at 275 lbs - it's a little cold to do this now so maybe in the spring! Reached 100 lbs lost 12/14/13
160 Goal - Uhm hello, celebrate goal weight! DONE 8/29/14
Well, gonna start with the obvious: don't date that loser. Seriously don't give him a second more of your time or energy, people like that use the online medium to prey and bully people into thinking less of themselves enough to become their victims... think of what would happen if he made the mistake of saying that in-person to a stranger with a temper problem (ME (: )... he'd wind up with a fat lip. The beauty of the same medium he's hiding behind is you can use it to cut off contact with him... no mess no fuss, just straight into the rubbish bin.
Beyond that I think the issue you're really battling is loneliness, something everyone whose been overweight can attest to. After weightloss it's hard to know who you are, you have to pick and choose the mindset and in your case the PEOPLE you give power to. YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING by reaching out to resources like Sparkpeople... we are the good side of the internet and can help. (: the fact that you are talking to us means YOU ARE GROWING STRONGER!
Finally to use a traveling metaphor, a drastic weight change is like traveling between two climates. If you don't take time to acclimate to the new level of oxygen in the air (or health in your body) you will get sick. Taking a breather is healthy... just monitor the way you feel, accept it and use it as a reference point.
SIMPLELIFE2 Posts: 707
11/26/13 12:48 P
"I'd recommend getting off that dating site. The fact that that guy said that he wanted to see you naked before he even met you indicates that he wasn't really interested in you as a person. Don't even think of replying to him anymore and don't take anything he says personally. There are just too many weirdos in this world and he seems to be one of them."
And the fact that a comment like his sent you into a spiral probably indicates that perhaps the only relationship you should be focusing on is the one with yourself. No man can validate you, make you feel better about yourself. Perhaps that works in the short run, but if the relationship doesn't work out or his support changes, you go back to the negativity. It also can lead to poor choices in a relationship.
My theory is that you want to approach relationships as a strong, confident woman. A man (or woman) shouldn't complete you. You should be complete and then he adds to your enjoyment of life.
Check out my Facebook community and "like" my page -- Get Real Fitness Solutions www.facebook.com/pages/Get-Real-Fitn
ARCHIMEDESII SparkPoints: (163,276)
Fitness Minutes: (240,600)
11/26/13 11:39 A
I'd recommend getting off that dating site. The fact that that guy said that he wanted to see you naked before he even met you indicates that he wasn't really interested in you as a person. Don't even think of replying to him anymore and don't take anything he says personally. There are just too many weirdos in this world and he seems to be one of them.
I know you're probably lonely. I think we've all felt that way at one time. but I have to agree with the others, before you can find love with someone, you need to love yourself first. And that's not an easy thing to do. But, if you can start appreciating what your body CAN do and stop worrying about how it looks, you'll start to increase your self esteem.
Believe me, we are our own worst critics. Over the years, we have become expert at picking apart our body bit by bit. Well, that has to stop. Instead of worrying about what your body looks like, start appreciating the things it can do. Have you ever run a 5k before ? Why not sign up for a 5k. you don't have to run it if you don't want. You could walk it too. If you don't want to run, would you consider yourself accomplished if you could do 100 good military style push ups ? how about the 100 push up challenge ? How would you feel about your body if it could do 100 push ups ? I feel pretty awesome that I can do 100 push ups at my age. I'll bet you'd feel pretty good too.
So, why not set a physical challenge for yourself ? Don't be afraid to come out of your comfort zone to try something new. You may surprize yourself.
As the old song goes, you're looking for love in all the wrong places. Love will come when you learn to love yourself.
Off the top of my head, I would suggest you work on YOU first. Stop trying to find a relationship...you need to work on yourself first.
One stumble does not a failure make.
Everything in moderation.
SUNSHINE6442 Posts: 2,046
11/26/13 7:40 A
There is an inner voice in all of us influencing how we act, how we feel about ourselves and sometimes the thoughts are negative. Don't back off from a possible romantic relationship with this man, he was being honest and if he enjoys a heavier women...he is just not into bones! If you look at the positive side.... he is actually telling you he likes you the way you are...give this man a chance if he is on the up and up...Just be careful.....he is already talking about seeing your body and may only want a sexual encounter. Have you even met him in person? Make sure it is a public place where you can get to your car easily, and better yet, go met him at a place where people know you.
How do you want to live your life?
Challenge your inner critic, you can take actions and steps that reflect your wants and desires!
In order to change we must be sick and tired of being sick and tired. ~Author Unknown
When I started my weight loss.... I kept this quote on my fridge....
What makes the difference between wishing and realizing our wishes? Lots of things, and it may take months or years for wish to come true,but it's far more likely to happen when you care so much about a wish that you'll do all you can to make it happen.”
Try this ...
Believe you have high-value, believe that your hot, love yourself...You have to love yourself like that in everything you need to do...like eating healthier, taking a walk and enjoying nature... as you do and tell yourself you are doing it to become healthier....laugh, smile, dance.
I personally suggest looking at yourself in the mirror and think about all the good qualities you have. Surround yourself with positive people, wear bright colors....again.... laugh, love and laugh some more...
Edited by: SUNSHINE6442 at: 11/26/2013 (07:45)
CERTHIA SparkPoints: (22,539)
Fitness Minutes: (16,207)
11/26/13 4:15 A
OK, so you feel bad about your body now, but remember you can change this! You can both change the way you feel about your body and you can change how your body looks. Either way (or both!) could perhaps make you feel better about it carrying you around in this world.
Nothing wrong in seeing things as they are. It's perhaps a bit depressing to embrace it, but it's also very honest and real. Now you know where you stand, and you know what you need to do to feel better.
My thoughts; Stop the half-assing, embrace health, stay away from the mirrors (if you can't find beauty in them) and the inconsiderate men (if they make you feel bad). Instead focus on caring for your body and moving it in ways you enjoy. Thinking of the body as being an instrument giving you the pleasure of movement and sensation first, instead of as an object to be judged visually could help you feel better about it, it's just a tiny shift of focus really..
Oh, and edited to add ; go read this blog if you have time;
"The second you stop looking for a skinny model in your mirror and start looking at YOU... is the second you will start to appreciate what you are. Stop looking for flaws."
Edited by: CERTHIA at: 11/26/2013 (10:29)
I've been on a dating site lately and a guy told me tonight that he wanted to see my body, that he liked fat women. And that just spiraled me down into darkness...first the spiral began at the thought of being completely nude in front of him...and then when he stated the obvious, that I'm fat, it put the nail in the coffin and sent me retreating. I know confidence is what attracts people to each other. And many men say they find me attractive, but right now I'm really hating my body. It doesn't matter how many people say they like the way I look, when right now I can't even say I like the way I look. Every time I look in the mirror, I pick myself apart. I know that this is counter productive. I know I should pick out things I like about myself and highlight those areas. I know I should chant affirmations in the mirror, like "my body is perfect, its always been perfect" or "my body is exactly the way its supposed to be today" but right now all I want to say is "I hate my body."
And I know where this negative self talk is coming from too...its coming because my diet has been so-so and I haven't excersized very much in a month or two. I'm just feeling stuck. I"m trying hard to not gain back the 32 pounds I've lost by half-assing what I eat.
I dunno...I'm in a lot of pain tonight, emotionally...I'm struggling on this part of my journey...I need rest before I can continue on this path. I need something. I feel lost. I need to see my therapist or go back to group therapy, that seems to be the only thing that keeps me focused. But I'm not finding the motivation to go back to therapy. I'm totally stuck and hating it.
305lbs - 07/01/14 :(
295lbs - 02/01/15 :)
279lbs - 07/12/15 :)
284lbs - 08/16/15 :(
279lbs - 08/23/15 :)
"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference." - Reinhold Niebuhr
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