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DORIE53 Posts: 64
3/21/14 9:27 P

I am proud of you for your strength, Sweetsntreats. I agree with what the others said, you should lose weight for yourself, not as the result of a threat. And I agree that you should be able to keep your beloved dog. The dog is better for you and your daughter than the alcoholic husband. I have been married 34 years, not always happily. I didn't feel strong enough to leave when I was your age. I have two adult children, both totally screwed up. Staying together for the sake of the kids did NO GOOD. I have two dogs and three cats. Too many pets, I know, but they make me feel more loved than any human. I wish I could start a shelter & live amidst them. I spent three years eating healthy, exercising daily, and lost 90 lb. We retired & I gained it ALL back. Asked husband why he never complimented my weight loss when I was slim (all he does is put me down for being fat, told me I take up 2/3 of the bed, not true) and he said he always knew I'd gain it back. So, you are ahead of the game if you can leave while you can. I feel drinking is like eating in that I went to Overeaters Anonymous for many years & know that I eat to cope with depression, pain, loneliness, etc. Eating doesn't give me a DWI but does ruin life in many other ways. Hope everyone here can support each other. It's sad that so few marriages survive. My mother was married three times & I was bound and determined to STAY married no matter what but I see now, that was wrong. I am the only one of my former friends still married and the only one of five kids my mother & her third husband had who is still with their original spouse. Only two of five had the same set of parents. I wanted my two kids to have the same father because I didn't have that. Lot of good it did.... Tomorrow is a New Day

SPARKY_DAN Posts: 65
3/6/14 12:39 P

Unfortunately, this man is not ready for a committed relationship. Your daughter met be better off with limited exposure to him as he will serve as the model for what she expects in a man. I am a strong advocate for continuing relationships, but there honestly doesn't sound like there has been much of a relationship to salvage between the two of you. I know this must be painful and a bit scary, and for that I am truly sorry.

PATHFINDER52 Posts: 752
12/2/13 6:38 P

Sorry for your circumstances!
Self-care is a challenging art to master -- be sure to practice it at every opportunity!

Teach your daughter that mommy is so worthy of real love and kindness that she can wait until she meets a man who will cherish her and treat her like the treasure she is! You both deserve only the most gracious and gentle-man in your lives!

I married at 20 divorced at 28; I met my soul-mate at 31 and married him when I turned 50. We just completed 11 loving years together, I hope we get 11 more --he was absolutely worth the wait!

Each of us did just fine on our own (he raised a son on his own) our motto is, "We're better together" if that should change, we'd split but we really are better together, even now!

Wishing you and your daughter all the best!

-- p


12/1/13 12:25 P

So sorry for the difficult times.

Focus on your child and your own future.

Create a life that nurtures you instead of living by walking on eggshells.

I am soon to be divorced after 26 years of marriage (four of which were being separated). I have three children.

My marriage was magical and wonderful......until it was not (infidelity).

Be strong.

Be true to yourself and let him find his own way.

SHELLYBELL35 SparkPoints: (505)
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Posts: 11
9/28/13 12:38 A

I can understand how you are feeling but you made the best decision for you and your daughter to get out its hard and hopefully things will be better.

I really can understand I have been married 11 yrs I have two boys 8 and 10 and me and my husband this whole marriage have had problems and big ones at that. I was 6 months pregnant with my first child adjusting to married life it was a surprise pregnancy pills failedtowork but I was excited allthe same and my husband said we were more like roomates and left we worked it out got back together when my son was 6 months old, then I found out he was a drug head and alcholic, he kept it hid well, we had a second son and he goes through alcohol and drug spirals, clean or barely using I guess??? he hides things so well, but last year at this time we split again for about a week we talked things through he got himself fired from a good job and I was angry! Afterthe birth of my second son I have been steadly gaining weight I would loose some and gain more weight back, but this time I amdoing it for nothing but my kids this past 6 months I guess I can say the real me has snapped backinto place I would try to be nice and deal with my husband now forget it! I have smelled alcohol at times and get we truely are roommates, and I am having a hard time deciding onwhat to do husband does nothing around the house if I dont do it it doesnt get done I am tired of it my kids want daddies attention and my mom has told me when I am ready to walk......she willbe there for me in any way she can and she will help any way she can..thanks in advance for listening tomy vent =)

ROXYCARIN SparkPoints: (95,965)
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6/12/13 12:13 A


CRABBYTHING SparkPoints: (0)
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Posts: 138
6/9/13 5:33 P

I married an addict the first time. It was hard and a good thing when I left him. No one has the right to make you feel bad about yourself. There is a big difference between being overweight and being an alcoholic. Take care of yourself as best you can.
Doing the right thing for yourself can be hard. Good luck.

5/28/13 6:35 P

Boy this topic will fire us women up ! emoticon

I have been in your situation. What I can say from the info you gave me is... I don't see you listing much good about him . Second, you listed many bad traits. I'd consider the good & bad list if I were you. If I lose him, the negatives & positives & if I let him go , the same lists.

Also, he's putting demands on your relationship.Unreasonable one's at that.

Yes, the happy/ sad thing IS normal. I think when were sad were missing who we perceived them to be , or who we made them up to be in our minds. We miss what we made ourselves believe we had. Most time when a man's abusive, in anyway when we truly think about it we made excuses & took the least little attention as a proof of their love & we were actually getting the shaft.

It sounds like you've put effort in trying to make it work. The only other thing I would suggest is speaking to your Pastor if you have one. Good luck. NEVER base how you feel about yourself on a mans opinion. Good luck

OZIETWIN Posts: 680
5/28/13 9:37 A

Wow, I feel for all you ladies going through this pain and heartache.

Like many of you I also recently filed for divorce. I have been with my husband for 21 years and married to him for 13. With him I was unhealthy - he was unappreciative and emotionally abusive.

I deserve better than that.

But it was a hard decision to make. I still miss the man I married and am honestly not sure where he went. We have been separated for almost 3 years - I live in a house close by so my kids have ample time to see him (he does better with the boys than he does with me).

I understand the happy/sad, excited/scared. Change is always scary. But in your case, in my case and in the case of many women here, it is the right choice. Good luck to all you powerful women - I hold you in my heart and wish you strength!

TIME_TO_SHINE1 SparkPoints: (12,974)
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Posts: 437
5/24/13 6:46 P

I am so sorry that you all are going through such hard times. It makes me sad to think that someone who is supposed to love you could be so mean. My life long best friend was in a physically abusive relationship for 5 years. He wouldn't let her eat and she was so unhealthy. by not let her eat, I mean she was allowed to eat just enough to stay alive. Those were the worst 5 years ever for her and me, he wouldn't let her talk to me because I told him just what I thought of him and when he threatened me I didn't back down. We had to sneak and talk, I would even bring her food when he was gone to work. It was awful. I am so glad that you are getting out for you and your baby girl. Just like her you will find someone that loves you for you, no matter what size your are.

Edited by: TIME_TO_SHINE1 at: 5/24/2013 (18:47)
YVETTE59 SparkPoints: (0)
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Posts: 54
5/18/13 12:27 A

I am like you. I have not filed for divorce yet- it was hard enough to separate. My husband changed after 10 years. If I could have the man back I married I would in a second. However my kids and I can no longer live with an abusive man and neither should we. I have been trying to figure out if I grieve the man I lost or being "married" and having someone for me and like you to not grow old alone. Like you I am sad and hurt that he broke all his promises to me. The war between my heart and head continues. Well done for being so strong and all the very best.

5/16/13 12:01 P

Okay hun you deserve SO MUCH BETTER!!!!!!!!!!!! You need to lose weight and get healthy because you want to for you and your daughter, not because some drunk jerk thinks you should. I say let him go and one day he will see what he lost out on. Focus on you and your daughter, get healthy for her, so you can be the mother you want to be.

I hate you were treated like this, and karma will get him in the end. Because all in all sounds like he is way more trouble then he is worth. I am betting their is someone out there just waiting for you to find them. When I left my ex I was over weight and have 2 toddlers and thought no one would ever love me. Today I have been married for over a year and a half to a man who loves me no matte my weight, supports me, and wants me to be healthy because I want to be!

Keep your head up and keep moving on..

Good luck!!!

P.S. Keep the dog!!!! Because the dog makes YOU happy!!!!

JENSTRESS Posts: 5,403
5/14/13 9:49 A

Wow. Just WOW.

First, ALL of you ladies, I wish to give you HUGS!

I don't know how your soon to be ex husband does it. TO drink and have those MAJOR drinking issues and compare it to being overweight? I WISH that being overweight was the same, because then we would just have to STOP eating. Except we need food to survive!!! Alcohol is not necessary.

I am someone who normally says that marriage is a lifetime commitment, but you can't make this one work. It wouldn't be healthy for your daughter.

THe fact that he walked out on you and is now demanding you be a certain way is just wrong. You file, and you move on. You cherish and love your daughter and dog.

CLEISURE146 Posts: 42
5/3/13 9:55 P

In my opinion, anyone who starts giving ultimatums like that doesn't truly love you. Drinking is an ultimatum that I can understand, lose weight or I won't love you is NOT! If it was me, I would have pointed out every one of his flaws and thru it back in his face. lol

I had a husband like that. I finally filed for divorce when he told me I was to more back east with him, never speak to my friends or family again, work full time but don't speak to anyone and move in his girlfriend (who, by the way, reminds me of ms doubtfire) and take care of them and my kids. Ummmmm, let me think about that....not a chance. He stormed into the house (where he hadn't been living for 9 months) punched the wall and the next day came to try to take my kids. I went to the court and filed for a restraining order and filed for divorce. I was hurt because he had convinced me this was all my fault. I felt like I failed my kids and failed to keep a home together. It took a while and some reality to set in that I couldn't make a marriage work on my own and I certainly couldn't do it when he was sleeping with everyone he could get his hands on. I was thrilled to be free though. Not free in the sense that I wanted out of a marriage, but, I didn't want to be treated like crap anymore. Nothing I did was right (and let me tell you, 5 years later and I'm still never right) He took almost every ounce of self esteem I had and crushed it. I dated a couple of people and decided I did not want another relationship ever again. Then I met this guy who kept telling me to give him a chance. I kept saying it would never be more than what it was. Now, we are planning to get married (even though a year ago I was NEVER going to make that mistake again! lol) He's so supportive of me. Sometimes I still get caught up in the way I was made to think all my life....I'm not good enough for him. He does everything he can for me and I do the same in return. I've just grown to think that I need to break my back and always be better to keep him happy. It's only in my head though because he would rather hold me than have me up working my butt off to please him. I won't go back to that mentality again. I refuse to be treated like someone's property rather than the love of their life. I deserve more than that. Every woman deserves that.

Hold your head up, put a smile on your face and remember that there are better people out there than someone who wants you to change to make them happy.

ON-FIRE1 SparkPoints: (1,793)
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Posts: 26
4/27/13 6:38 P

You really are not alone in this. I left a very emotionally abusive marriage after 6 1/2 years of being treated like I wasn't good enough for him. I have 2 kids (6 & 3). It was so hard to leave but I am so much better off now. I am still trying to find myself again. I sacrificed way to much in that marriage! You should never have to give up a loyal dog for him. You deserve your ice-cream too! As this is a health site, I am going to suggest frozen yogurt or coconut milk ice-cream. I love the brand So Delicious. It's a bit higher priced but I don't feel guilty after eating it. It's absolutely delicious! My favorite is the coconut ice-cream with fresh strawberries sliced on top. The ice-cream is sweet enough, you don't even have to add sugar! One of the hardest lessons to learn is change comes as your ready for it. It's not going to happen instantly. Don't let anyone tell you that you just need to change your thinking as if it's as simple as the push of a button. My family seems to think it's that easy and it definitely is not. I've been depressed for so long that I have to have a therapist to help me through all this. Good luck!! Just stay strong for your daughter. emoticon

SHONTAY528 SparkPoints: (36,275)
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Posts: 897
4/27/13 6:15 P

Thank you for this post As I was reading your post with tears running down my face because I'm currently going through the same. I've been married to my soon to be ex-husband for 15 years and trust me I know how you feel. Please I will like to talk with you more and praying we can encourage each other. I know with God's help he will heal our broken hearts but I know he has someone more wonderful in store for us.

FIT_BY_30 SparkPoints: (1,570)
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Posts: 15
4/17/13 11:39 A

Give me five mintues in a bathroom with this guy, PLEASE!

The best thing you can do is what you are doing. Cut your losses and move on, because this guy just IS NOT worth your time. I wouldn't hesitate to keep my dog AND my ice cream.

What kind of man asks a woman to give up ice cream? Does this guy have a death wish?

MASHAMOO Posts: 1,667
4/11/13 10:39 A

Sorry your relationship didn't work but I hope you will enjoy your new and better life.
I tell some of my clients that have kids: Be a good example of what to expect in a relationship so that your children will not settle for less. Sometimes, that idea makes your current difficulties a bit easier to work through.
Best of luck to you and enjoy your dog =)

4/9/13 12:25 P

I'm 38 and going through something similar. My son is 14, I'm sorry for what you are going through. I am in a better place today bc of my Faith. Acceptance is a hard thing to come by but it will happen. I had to make a decision to be healthier for my son. I decided not to have surgery and thought losing 160 plus pounds was impossible! I fight every day. But I had to learn to turn to others for support. It's not always easy but it helps. I wish you much success and joy!!! You can do it. It's all one day at a time.

---E---V---A--- Posts: 12
4/8/13 1:05 P

Yeah, he lost me with giving up the dog.

When I joined SparkPeople years ago (before taking a break while pregnant and breastfeeding), I was obese and severely depressed. The two things just feed off of each other. What clicked with me and this site was being able to feel like I really had control over my own body and my own actions in a way that I could see every single day, instead of just throwing things at the wall and hoping that something stuck long enough to show up on the scale.

He's a ... hm... this is a family friendly site so I can't really say what he sounds like, but HEY! You have us now!

Seriously though, I know a lot of single people who got out of bad relationships only on the hope that maybe they would find someone new and realized that they were happy with themselves all by themselves. Some have coupled up, others not, but they're happier without that soul-sucking person in their life either way.

SASSYME2011 SparkPoints: (0)
Fitness Minutes: (277)
Posts: 6
4/6/13 12:46 A

I am the mom of two great kids (10 and 6), separated for 2 years and in the midst of the divorce process. I have worked hard to get my emotional health back and now it's time to get my physical health back too. I wish you luck! Take things one step at a time, that's what I am learning too. I am learning to take care of myself so I can be healthy and present to take care of my kids. It's like the instructions they give on an airplane - put the mask on yourself first so you can help those around you. Build a support system, find others going through this too, we can support each other. You can do it, when the time is right.
Stick to what you know you deserve, don't settle for less. Hugs!

4/5/13 9:54 A

Thank you very much!! It has taken me way to long to realize that i deserve better and you are 100% right about losing weight being my choice. Threats never work the way people want them too. Thanks for reading my ramblings and have a great weekend.

CLARK971 SparkPoints: (29,686)
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4/4/13 6:06 P

first off all, i want to say that i am sorry for what you are going through. you don't deserve to be treated like that. if you choose to lose weight or not, it needs to be your choice-not a threat from someone else. and asking you to give up your dog? that is awful!

hang in there!

4/4/13 4:53 P

I may not be in the right forum, and it's only slightly weight loss related, but I'm filing for divorce tomorrow. My ex and I have been dating since 2002 and married since 2006. We split up in 2008 and didn't see or speak to each other for 2 years, but stayed married. Then, of course, he pops up out of no where, gets me pregnant, turns my entire world upside down only to walk away from me again, and this time, our baby girl. We briefly discussed getting back together, but he wont stop drinking unless I "make a real effort to lose weight." He told me I have to work out 5 days a week, not eat ice cream and not dink soda and give up my dog. First and foremost, my dog is more loyal than he is and I'm not about to give her up. She goes where I go and I'd feel lost without her. Secondly, I work full time, I'm going back to school and I have multiple health issues so if I'm tired and need a rest day I have to take it. Third, life without ice cream? Absolutely not! I'm all for being healthy, but sometimes you just need a little joy and sometimes Ice cream is my joy. I have always been a big girl, from day one so it's not like I was skinny then just got big so I feel as though he has never accepted me and that hurts to the core. He wasn't a drunk when we met, but he doesn't want to hear that, much less accept that he is a drunk. and somehow his drinking and my weight are one in the same. I don't see how, I don't eat and this piss all over the floor, I've never been charged with evading arrest for eating too much and blacking out and then deciding to drive. I used to put up with it, but I'm a mom now and I'm not going to raise my daughter around that. is it possible to feel relieved to be rid of someone at the same time as feeling broken hearted? I did love him, probably too much and it wasn't a healthy love, and I really wanted to grow old with him and have a family, but I can enjoy life now and I don't have to put up with his mind games. I could never lose weight while I was with him, even though I knew id have a better chance of staying together if I were smaller, I did nothing but gain weight. was it a subconsciously on purpose? I don't know. what I do know is that I wasted my 20's on him and way too much time and tears and I hope that I'm able to pick myself up and carry on and get myself healthy. anyhow, thanks for taking the time to read this and I'm sorry for being all over the place. have a great Friday

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