I have had similar issues, so first of all please know you're not alone. I think there are a lot of us who feel that urge, and who understand how horrible it feels.
If it ever becomes an option for you I really recommend you try talking to a therapist/counselor. I know there are a lot of places that offer flexible pricing for people who can't afford help otherwise. If you have insurance, they can probably help - I only pay $20 to see my therapist. They can help you figure out where in your brain these urges are coming from and once you understand your mind better it's easier to find ways to fight (although it's never easy...but having strategies prepared to fight the bad urges helps).
Sometimes it helps me to remember that losing weight the way I actually want to lose weight (healthily and permanently) needs to be part of good overall health. To get out of the yo-yo cycle, I need to eat enough every day to avoid shocking my body and also to be able to fuel my workouts. For me it was also helpful to set my weight-loss goal WAY in the future, so that I can avoid getting stressed out by the deadline of it approaching.
It sounds like you know what you want - to be healthy, not to end up back in the hospital. I would try to focus on that, and try to remind yourself that skipping meals might feel good at the time but it's not going to help you towards what you really truly want: to be healthy mentally and physically.
On bad days, you can always focus on meeting your minimum calories. It sounds like you understand your cycle - feel bad, skip meals, feel worse, eat less, feel worse - so anything you can do to avoid the initial slide into a bad stretch would be a great goal.
If counting calories is too much of a trigger for you right now, you might want to consider taking a break from it. (Easier said than done, I know, but it's something to think about.)
One small thing: you may want to consider changing your spark account name. I don't know what meaning it has for you, but I hate to think of you signing into spark by typing something that begins with "2fat". It's hard to imagine that puts you in a healthy mindset.
I hope some of this may have helped. If nothing else, please know that I understand how you feel and I have faith that you can do this.
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Eating disorders are complex in nature and unfortunately an issue that is outside the scope of advice that our experts and members can offer specific guidance. I have included a SparkPeople article on this topic which includes where you can get help.
I absolutely understand what you are going through! My eating disorders suddenly kick into gear the minute I look at the SP daily food tracker. I become obsessed with my calories! One good thing is, the tracker sets the LOWEST amount of calories you should be eating in the day, as well as the highest. It's always a struggle for me to force myself to eat ENOUGH calories...but that's part of the process. It's all about learning to not eat too much and not eat too little. It's tricky, but I know you can do it!
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Over coming an eating disorder is not an easy thing. My first piece of advice would be to talk to your therapist about your current feelings. Do you still talk to your therapist ? Are you under a doctor's care ? If not, the best place to start is with your doctor or with your therapist. If necessary, they can refer you to an eating disorder support group. Don't be afraid to talk to your doctor about how you're feeling about food. They are there to help you.
You have to understand that in order to be healthy, you have to eat. Weight loss isn't just about eating less. It's about eating high quality foods that nourish our bodies. Because weight loss is nothing more than a byproduct of a healthy lifestyle. You've seen what not eating can do to your body. Please talk to your doctor or therapist.
For now, you might join this Spark Team for members who are recovering from eating disorders. You may find talking with other members helpful.
I was anorexic in high school so I can relate. I would schedule your meals into your phone calendar or something, so when the alarm goes off, you eat. Since you have been hospitalized and I am sure had aftercare, you know your triggers. Avoid them!!!! You have also, I'm sure, been taught how to replace the negative thinking with positive and how to overcome your desire to not eat.
First, I would identify why you do not want to eat. Identify what the real isue is, what is the root cause.
Remember pastors and priests provide free counseling, and so do women's shelters and free clinics. It sounds as if this is a very serious issue for you; good for you for reaching out for help and recognizing you are struggling! I'd strongly suggest help as I mentioned above if you are unable to reach for the tools you had previously. Your life is too precious to mess with. Best wishes!!!
Can anyone give me advice on how not to turn a "diet" into anorexia? I've had this problem in the past and whenever I cut back on the food, I tend to cut back way too far. I can't afford a therapist right now so any advice would be greatly appreciated. I know for me the less I eat, the less I want to eat until it becomes too emotionally painful to eat. I don't want to get to that point because it's soooo hard to come back. I have a lot of weight to lose and I've already cut back so my thinking right now is, "Well, I don't really HAVE to eat breakfast. I'll eat later", which turns into, "I'll eat tomorrow", then "I'll eat on Monday" or when I've been good enough to eat, or only when I've worked out enough. I've been hospitalized for anorexia several times and tube-feeding is extremely painful so I'll do anything to avoid going back there. I gained a lot of weight once I "recovered" and I'd like to lose it but I'm at a loss as to how to do this and not hurt myself?? Thanks
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