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RENATARUNS SparkPoints: (3,917)
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4/21/13 7:02 P

I'm not talking about group therapy, I'm talking about online "support" groups I've seen that are extremely disturbing.

I'm not against learning self-control, if it sounds like that. As I've implied, I've had junk food and desserts in the house almost non-stop and have dealt with their presence very well. But I'm not a binge eater. Yet even I still find it very helpful at times to take the bag of chips off the counter and stick it in a cabinet somewhere that I don't see it 20 times a day when I walk by and wind up grabbing a handful just because it's there and I'm tired and not thinking. Same sort of thing. I find it counter-productive to force yourself to rely on conscious willpower all the time when it's not necessary.

SWIMOM Posts: 366
4/21/13 7:01 P

I look at it this way; our home is his home too. I'd personally feel awful telling my Sweet Tart and low sugar Klondike loving husband he can't have what he enjoys simply because it isn't my choice to eat those things. For a short while, maybe he could be the nice guy. But, not all the time. Not for the guy who works everyday, just as I do. For him, at least this week .....I can buck up when the job calls for it. Next week I may feel differently emoticon

JLBLABIN SparkPoints: (43,589)
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4/21/13 6:46 P

Sp needs to incorporate the "like" button. If we had one I would "like" audryuk 's comment... Well said!

BUNNYKICKS Posts: 2,329
4/21/13 6:08 P

"The best thing for me to do is have some alternatives in the house that I like that I can eat whenever I wish I was eating what he was. Truth is, once I'm into my own things I don't covet his. "

THIS is a really good idea.



AUDREYUK Posts: 607
4/21/13 4:36 P

My husband loves his sugar and chips. He always buys cookies, chips, sugary soda, etc. Thing is, he moderates himself. I would never ask him not to eat the things he likes. He's not overweight and he's the master of portion control. The best thing for me to do is have some alternatives in the house that I like that I can eat whenever I wish I was eating what he was. Truth is, once I'm into my own things I don't covet his. I don't think it's controlling of him to bring home what he wants to eat. If I can't keep my hands off of it, it's MY problem. Temptation is everywhere. Get in your car and there are a myriad of fast food places. Go to a party, yep, there it is. I think it is more helpful to focus on your own strategy for dealing in a world that is full of tempting food.

I'm not saying I don't sympathize, but I don't think telling your husband what to do is the answer. I've read comments here that him bringing it home is controlling. Well what exactly do you call telling him he can't? That in itself seems controlling to me.

YOJULEZ SparkPoints: (15,605)
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4/21/13 2:29 P

I agree w/ ANARIE. You need to find out why he's bringing them home. If he really is doing it to sabotage you, then you all have some issues you need to work on. But if he's bringing them home for him (even if he's not eating them as fast as you think he should), then you need to learn how to control yourself. Your entire life will be filled with food temptations. Learning how to control your response to them NOW will benefit you more in the long run, than just avoiding and running away from the temptations all the time.

My SO is thin, and he needs to have certain things in the house for snacks so he can be sure to consume enough calories in a day. I buy him what he wants. I am a HUGE advocate of learning self control. There are things in my pantry right now (like my former favorite food, frosted pop tarts) that I would love to eat, but I don't because it's not worth it to me in the end.

Another suggestion I have is along the lines of what Becky and others said, is keep "his" treats in a certain area. I don't think you should go so far as having him hide them, but maybe designate a cabinet or drawer where he can put them. That way they're not mixed in with "your" stuff, but you're still learning how to control yourself with them around.

Edited by: YOJULEZ at: 4/21/2013 (14:30)
AILEBBELIA SparkPoints: (13,410)
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4/21/13 2:13 P

It's a misconception that people with Anorexia don't binge eat. That's why they're are two types: anorexia, purge type and anorexia restrictive..

People with anorexia do binge when faced with outside anxiety-they just get rid of it to deal with the anxiety.

"the disordered behavior is the solution for anxiety that's provoked by something else" That's a hallmark of an eating disorder and applies to all eating disorders: BED, EDNOS, Anorexia, and Bulimia.

Eds are not about food-that applies to all eating disorders.

she needs to find ways to deal with her triggers and develop coping strategies.

If cookies are her one trigger then I could see that it would be reasonable request to make, but how do we know that she doesn't have a problem with the other things her hubby brings home. This is just one post.


Also this thought is disturbing:

"I put it more on the same level as an anorexic being wise to avoid the company of lots of other anorexics"

Have you never heard of group therapy? LOL...



SKDUFORD SparkPoints: (34,601)
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4/21/13 12:19 P

Good advice.

RENATARUNS SparkPoints: (3,917)
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4/21/13 11:50 A

I think there's a difference, though, between actual recovery from disordered eating, and simple practical steps to make an immediate health/well-being related goal (weight loss in this case, weight gain in the case of someone who is underweight) easier to attain. In the long run, yes, of course everyone does need to learn how to deal with the real world and the temptations and stresses that come from it. But you may never be able to get to the long term if the immediate environment is not controlled in some way at first. Look at long-term maintainers: I'd be willing to bet that most do not keep a lot of food in the house that they don't want to put in their bodies, don't go to restaurants or "bad food" social gatherings more than occasionally, and so on.

I put it more on the same level as an anorexic being wise to avoid the company of lots of other anorexics -- you know if you do that, you're going to be much more exposed to the disordered thinking that got you in trouble in teh first place and stand a greater risk of relapsing. I don't think that binge eating is really the same sort of thing. Anorexia has some similarities to OCD in that an ordinary everyday situation (eating, in this case) provokes great anxiety. Binge eating is almost the opposite: the disordered behavior is the solution for anxiety (among other things) that's provoked by something else. It doesn't make sense to be constantly exposed to a "solution" that's only hurting you, when what's actually needed is to deal with the anxiety in a different way.

AILEBBELIA SparkPoints: (13,410)
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4/21/13 11:32 A


I have an eating disorder: anorexia, bulimia, and now EDNOS and I am in therapy.


In therapy, it is stressed that WE need to develop coping strategies changes. We need to be prepared to whip out those coping strategies 24/7 and in all environments (including our own homes).


Living behavior free in a non-triggering environment is NOT real recovery.

My therapist, challenges me to eat certain foods that are not safe foods or triggering foods in our sessions. In the beginning, I would mess up all the time. I couldn't make myself eat it all or I would end up binging on it.

But I have made progress, and I am now able to eat foods like cookies, ice-cream, and other triggering food in moderation.

On the surface, a simple solution would be to have your hubby keep them out. But you can't ask your co-workers to keep them from your sight. What about the TV ads or billboard signs?

When I started recovery, I isolated (like most people in recovery do). I lived in this self-created protected environment. My whole life revolved around learning to eat again.

I don't know where you are in recovery from your binge eating, but there are lots of lists with coping strategies on the net.
hugs



SKDUFORD SparkPoints: (34,601)
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4/21/13 11:27 A

Thank you for your sensible reply, Becky. :)

SKDUFORD SparkPoints: (34,601)
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4/21/13 11:22 A

I don't think you CAN make him more respectful in this issue. Maybe a good alternative would be to keep something in the house that you enjoy eating and consider a treat, but that is healthy. For me, my down fall is ice cream. I have found that Dannon Greek light and fit yogurt fits my bill.



DIETITIANBECKY Posts: 26,688
4/21/13 11:06 A

Just a couple of other solutions that I know have worked for other couples...
--the spouse purchases the desired foods and keeps them at his workplace, or in his car only. Therefore he still has them available to eat.
--the spouse hides the tempting food within the house (tool box, along with his golf clubs, in the barn, etc). The other person does not know the location.

And if this is just the tip of the iceburg regarding "control issues" within the relationship--counseling is highly encouraged.

Becky
SP Registered Dietitian Nutritionist

Edited by: DIETITIANBECKY at: 4/21/2013 (11:26)
ONION926 SparkPoints: (3,718)
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4/21/13 9:33 A

If he's doing it to antagonize you, that's not nice or supportive. It's a lot harder to change your habits if your spouse cannot give you a vote of confidence by helping you achieve your goals. You're supposed to be a team, and it's not exactly teamwork if you can't rely on each other for support. So maybe you need to explain things more thoroughly and tell him it really bothers you, hurts your feelings, what have you, that he won't support you the way you need him to. Initially, I had my fiance hide stuff from me so he could have his junk food and I didn't have to worry about getting into it.

It also doesn't sound like you've thought about why you binge or what sets you off. Just not having stuff in your house isn't going to help you. What's to stop you from going to the store? For example, I eat a lot when I'm bored, sad or stressed. My fiance has cancer and can't work; he also has an extraordinary amount of dietary restrictions due to various medications he's on. I work six days a week at a job I hate for next to nothing. I have a ton of student debt. My fiance's brother and nephew moved in because his brother lost his job and got evicted, so now I am taking care of three guys on less than $1,500 a month. I don't qualify for food stamps or income assistance because my fiance is not my husband and his children do not live with us full time.

Needless to say, I eat a lot. But it occurred to me that I like fruits and vegetables and healthy stuff; I just wasn't eating it because it didn't seem cheap, quick, or convenient or full of delicious chocolaty goodness. So I still eat a lot. I just eat a lot of raw fruits and veggies instead. It's somewhat more expensive and I do have to make sure I keep up with eating it all before it goes bad, but by the end of the day, I'm stuffed silly and don't have room for junk in my stomach.

Do you work? I use my job as health snack central. I started cramming as much health food as I could into my lunch box so I had no choice but to eat it. At work, I don't have access to anything except what I bring with me. That way I can snack mindlessly, but worry free, throughout the day and I won't immediately stuff myself with junk when I get home. Now it's to the point where I feel weird if I *don't* eat the healthy stuff.

Edited by: ONION926 at: 4/21/2013 (09:52)
JUSTEATREALFOOD Posts: 1,432
4/21/13 8:05 A

My husband likes to eat chips, cheese puffs, pop, licorice and chocolate and is constantly brining them into the house. They are not for me, they are for him and I don't eat them.

The OP's hubby brought in a some cookies. Just because he didn't eat the whole bag in a few days doesn't mean he brought them in to sabotage the OP. Maybe he was eating one cookie a day, maybe he was snacking on something else first and then he was going to eat them. We don't know.



DETOX55 SparkPoints: (1,070)
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4/21/13 7:19 A

Lecturing?!

Pot...Kettle...mean anything to you?

You know nothing about this woman or her husband and ASSUME he's an a***hole.

Only a self indulgent person who is known for blaming others would ever react like this...good luck on whatever journey it is you think you are taking...

RENATARUNS SparkPoints: (3,917)
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4/21/13 7:10 A

Who's not getting a grip here? You're the one lecturing people about responsibility when it misses the point at best.

He's got issues with this, I have issues with other things. Nobody's perfect and nobody needs to be. We're all just doing the best we can.

DETOX55 SparkPoints: (1,070)
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4/21/13 7:07 A

Ahhhhh...well, the fact we all had issues as children doesn't cut it in my world either.

Sorry - but can we all please try and get a grip.

Life is tough...getting fit and losing weight is tough...

Growing a child is also tough.

You are a parent....your husband is not the sole voice of the house is he?

If your husband is trying to place his issues on his son, shame on him...

CMCOLE Posts: 2,667
4/21/13 7:06 A

This has raised some serious issues.

Obviously, none of us can get to the real root of the problem, but it's definitely some food for thought.

When I began on this healthy journey, hubby was all to happy to still bring things into the house for himself. He was also willing to share them (certain things - others were items I've never been tempted by, so they were no issue).

However, I determined to make it my mindset that they were HIS, and not MINE or OURS.
That worked most of the time.

I've discovered a few things about myself along the way.
There are times I've eaten things that were not that great, and I wasn't even completely hungry - but because they were there, and because nobody was looking. Yes, I was the problem, not HIM. It's his option to eat as he wishes (saying that - he has improved vastly since I began, but there are things he will not yet give up).

Like most things in life, it's a commitment, and often a singular journey.
He cannot FORCE you to eat them (well if he were to do that; this would be a different thread).

As others who have been discounted have said - there's definitely a whole lot going on here other than the purchase and consumption of junk

RENATARUNS SparkPoints: (3,917)
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4/21/13 6:58 A

My husband does this. In his case it's because of issues he has with our son. He never had sweets growing up, so he wants the kiddo to have them. And on top of that our son is if anything underweight (like he is), and he has issues with *that*, so he's always wanting him to eat more to get him to gain weight. Even though I'm not having serious problems with the temptation, I am having serious problems mentally with trying to be healthy and not wanting the kiddo eating such things all the time either. An entire bag of Oreos, for example, and no one but the kiddo going to eat any of them -- just ugh.

I don't think I can fix him on this one, he has too many hangups on it and I can't touch any of them. I feel your pain.

Edit -- and yeah, people are being way unfair. The OP needs to set herself up for success, like all of us do. As a rough equivalent, you never hear people lecturing a recovering alcoholic that they have to tolerate a house full of booze while they're trying to detox because "discipline". Yet that's all right with food somehow? It's important to keep things as low-temptation as is possible. That's how you succeed.

I second the suggestions to just throw the unwanted food out (and tell him what you've done) if the husband is not buying it for himself but for you. Possibly that could work eventually if there are no major issues there.

Edited by: RENATARUNS at: 4/21/2013 (07:07)
DETOX55 SparkPoints: (1,070)
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4/21/13 6:41 A

Hmmmm...well, all I can say is if you are with a partner that manipulative, the relationship needs to be evaluated.

However, in my humble opinion, it's unlikely her partner is that manipulative...

This is just another excuse.

TWILLIAMS82 SparkPoints: (3,985)
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4/21/13 6:16 A

I'm kinda on the fence with this one. I guess it all comes down to WHY hubby brings treats home, and there isn't enough info in the original post to know that.

Some men secretly are insecure about themselves and will sabotage their wife's weight loss efforts because they don't want them to be attractive to other men, because they are afraid they're gonna get hot 'n sexy and leave them for someone else. If that's the case, he probably isn't even aware he's doing it.

I think you need to sit down with him and work out a compromise. I don't think it's fair to say he can't bring treats home (it's his house too!) but maybe he can bring home simgle-serving sizes or a brand you don't care for?
For example, I LOVE beer so I try not to have it in the house. My husband, who likes to have a drink now and then, bought Bailey's instead to keep around because I hate it. Problem solved!

DETOX55 SparkPoints: (1,070)
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4/21/13 2:54 A

I understand your view, but I don't agree...perhaps I'm just more focussed on discipline than most...

Let me ask you a question - ff you're trying to give up smoking, and your partner is a smoker - what is the solution?

Tell your partner they can't smoke at home anymore?

Tell them not to keep smokes in the house or car?

That is never going to work...

When we make changes, we have to make them for ourselves and stick with our decisions...if we don't, nothing is ever going to really change...

That's my opinion and all I'm doing is expressing it...you don't have to agree...:-)

BUNNYKICKS Posts: 2,329
4/21/13 2:19 A

Detox, that's a little bit unfair - making the huge lifestyle changes involved in reworking one's diet and losing weight is challenge enough. Why make it harder by putting oneself in a constant state of stress, pitting their "willpower/self control" against a "trigger food/temptation"?

That said, it is also true that he should not have to give up cookies just because his spouse doesn't want to eat them anymore...

That's where respect and compromise come in to play. If he is bringing them home because *HE* wants them... and *SHE* finds them to be stressful/upsetting/tempting/sabotaging, well... he can keep them in a special drawer. Or in his car. Or at work. Or on the top shelf where they are not in line-of-sight every time one opens the cupboard. This is a nice compromise, that respects both parties.

DETOX55 SparkPoints: (1,070)
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4/21/13 1:31 A

Personally, I think your husband is right - you need to get more self control!

If he's not on a diet, why should he be penalised because of your inability to stop eating?

If he's your equal partner, why is he not allowed to enjoy the things he enjoys in the home he shares with you?

Sure; he should try and support you, but if you just HAVE to overeat these foods, that is more of an issue than the fact he buys them and brings them in to the house.

I don't think you can blame him for your lack of self control...

ANARIE Posts: 12,485
4/20/13 11:22 P

I think you might need to get to the bottom of WHY he brings them home. If he brings them because he wants them, then you have to just respect that those are HIS cookies. Pretend he's a roommate, not your hubby, and tell yourself that you have no right to eat his treat; they need to be there when he wants them. You could even set aside a cabinet that's his, where he can put his stuff ,and you will never open that door. Of course he probably doesn't care if you eat his cookies, but convince yourself that he does and that it's morally wrong for you to steal from him. If you tell yourself it's stealing, you'll be able to resist a lot more easily than if you keep thinking it's not fair that he's bringing temptations into the house.

Or, is he bringing things he knows you like because he wants you to have them? Men sometimes pay attention to what you do instead of what you say. If he brings home a treat that you say you don't want, but then you do eat it, he thinks he's done a nice thing. He thinks he figured out what you really want and gave it to you. He's trying to tell you that he thinks you deserve treats, even if you think you don't. You can't really get mad at him for that; it's like kicking a puppy who brought you a disgusting sloppy tennis ball. He's trying to be nice. What you have to do in that case is re-train him. Don't tell him not to bring you treats; tell him to bring you flowers or wonderful fruit or inexpensive jewelry or something. Then make a BIG deal out of how happy you are when he does it, just like you would if the puppy learned to bring you the newspaper without slobbering on it. (Sorry, guys. No, I'm not saying that men are puppies-- but the analogy works in this case!)

Of course, it's also possible that he's deliberately sabotaging you. If you think that's the case, then you might actually need some counseling, or at least some serious conversation to try to find out why. But it's probably not that serious; it's probably just him wanting cookies, or believing that you secretly do.



JLBLABIN SparkPoints: (43,589)
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4/20/13 7:16 P

Really? Counseling because one person wants cookies and the other doesn't? That's a pretty bold statement

IVYLASS SparkPoints: (122,893)
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4/20/13 6:47 P

Do you have issues with his lack of support in other areas? This seems to me a symptom of a bigger problem. Loving spouses do not sabotage each other. This is passive aggressive behavior and I would suggest counseling, together ideally, just you if he refuses to go.

JLBLABIN SparkPoints: (43,589)
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4/20/13 6:38 P

My husband is a sabotage guy as well! He just brought in a dozen of my all time favorite chocolate chunk cookies!! But, I'm sorry, for me it is all about self control. Yeah I want them, yeah they are sitting there, but I believe I am stronger than the desire to eat them. Also as you said. They probably aren't even that good! To me I accept it as a challenge, he thinks he's gonna win. He is not, I am!! Isn't there a quote from sp something like.... nothing tastes as good as being healthy feels

GINGERVISTA Posts: 5,864
4/20/13 6:35 P

I would say the same thing: throw them out; maybe your hubby will get the hint that he's wasting his money. If he doesn't, just keep throwing out. This is about YOUR life & YOUR health. Let him know you're serious about them both, even if HE doesn't appear to be.
And keep plugging into SP to get your support. emoticon


CPRINN SparkPoints: (514)
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4/20/13 6:16 P

Thanks, that's really good advice. If I waste it all eventually he will stop spending money and bringing it into the house. I will check out the link, thanks :)

BUNNYKICKS Posts: 2,329
4/20/13 6:11 P

Oh also?

Don't feel alone in this. It's a more common problem than you might think. Check out how many responses are on this thread. www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/messageboard.a
sp?imboard=7&imparent=30461668


BUNNYKICKS Posts: 2,329
4/20/13 6:10 P

I have had this issue in the past.

Best advice is THROW THEM OUT. For what purpose are they there? If they were still in the house 4 days after he brought them home, clearly they weren't for "him" or he would have eaten some/all of them himself. They are just sitting there waiting for YOU.

Shifting to a healthy lifestyle is hard enough as it is. Making your home a battleground where you are stressing and having to "fight" against temptation just makes it a misery. "Just control yourself" is NOT a suitable response on his part.

Throw them OUT. Crush them up a bit. Drop some disgusting kitchen leftovers on top of them to make sure they are utterly ruined. And if he says anything? Well... "you weren't eating them yourself, and I don't want them, so.............."

Yes, it is a fight when the sabotage (blatant or subtle) gets trotted out on the home front. Dig in your heels. You CAN overcome this.

CPRINN SparkPoints: (514)
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4/20/13 6:04 P

I have always been cautious of what I eat but my husband is consistently sabotaging my healthy eating. I have asked him repeatedly not to bring things like cookies into the house. I can not control myself, when I know they are in the house. This week he brought a bag of cookies and I stayed away for 4 days and now I have just eaten an entire row of them and feel sick. I told him that I didn't want them in the house and he is still telling me just control my self and eat something healthy if I don't want it. I wish it was that easy but I have been fighting myself to not eat them. They don't even taste good they are crappy store bought gross cookies and now that I have binged I look at them and they are disgusting, Does anyone else deal with this? I don't know how I can make my husband be more respectful of my wishes, to not have them here.

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