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LIBBYL1
Posts: 5,754
12/5/12 4:17 A

It is a tough one...I have a 17 year old daughter and love having her with me at the moment but think it is healthy that all she thinks about is going away to college so that she can get independence. It of course depends on whether she gets scholarships as it would be cheaper for us if she continued to stay here (her father and I are separated but get on well and talk about these things together). I left home when I was 16 (to study elsewhere and even before that as was at boarding school) and think that I learnt so much from having to manage on my own....
Interesting though to read all these stories to prepare me for what might be....



WILLIACH1
Posts: 34
11/30/12 10:22 A

These are some really difficult situations. My parents made us get out on our own by the time we turned 18. It hasn't been easy, but I had to learn to make it on my own. I did have help from other family members from time to time, but I basically worked my entire life.



LOUNMOUN
Posts: 1,233
11/29/12 2:42 P

I lived in my parent's home until I was 26, moved away for a year but had to move back due to financial problems for a few years. Part of that time I worked and part of that time I didn't. Part of that time I was married and dh and infant dd lived there too.

While I lived in my parents house they did not charge rent. They both worked. They did not give me money. I did my own laundry. I cooked dinner for everyone a lot of the time. My mom did not clean up after me, dh or dd. Dh worked the whole time we lived there. I paid my own bills. Dh and I bought our own groceries. I helped with yard work and snow shoveling. If they asked me to help with something I did it.

I would stop asking and tell them they can contribute around the house with money or work or they can move out. I would not pay them for chores they do. I would consider it part of their contribution to the household. I would make a list of rules for living there- standards for cleanliness, sharing the facilities, use of food- and treat them like adult roommates. You could try using Chore Wars to keep track of what people do around the house. www.chorewars.com/

Families help each other out but there needs to be respect and giving on both sides or someone is just being used.


Edited by: LOUNMOUN at: 11/29/2012 (14:48)


TIREDCAREGIVER
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11/28/12 7:18 P

After my son graduated HS I figured it was finally my time to live my life. That was about 10 yrs ago. Present day: i care for my parents, sister lives in conn., I'm in Ga, and my adult child is still at home. Briefly went to college, came home, cant hold a job, can't find a job, basically i think of my son as a freeloader scared to try and make his own way in life. Tired of the arguments and sometimes his anger can scare me. My sister advises to just leave him alone, a 28 yr old with no type of future right now. My parents kicked me out when I was 17 and pregnant. I said I would never do my children like that. Comments? emoticon
Rules have been set and disregarded. One stress factor is that he and his grandfather do not get along. See my son is mixed and that was the reason i was kicked out.my father has had no close relationship with any of us anyway b/c of his prejudice. So rules don't work, son doesn't seem to want to work and I care for parents who kicked me when i was a pregnant teen.

Edited by: TIREDCAREGIVER at: 11/28/2012 (19:33)


FUNNYGIRLJESS
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10/3/12 9:20 P

i lived with my parents while i was 22 and fresh out of college.

they HATED the fact i moved back...my mom eventually kicked me out because i wouldn't do chores (i was always at work).

so i learned the hard way how to become financially independent, like most people do.

KICK THEM OUT



LMILTON67
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10/2/12 3:13 P

My oldest daughter who will be 23 this month lives with my husband and I. She does pay rent, has 2 jobs, and finished her associates degree in March. She just saved enough to make the down payment on a used car. She spends most of her time at home in her room upstairs. So it's more like having a roommate rather than my daughter.

However, life is anything but blissful. She and my husband (her step-dad) butt heads over the stupidest things all the time (always have through 13 years of our marriage). This isn't to say they don't love each other and don't get along, but he wants things done a certain way, and she does them the way she does them. Unfortunately, this puts me in a tough spot. I have to live with my hubby for the rest of our lives (I hope! :)), and I love my daughter unconditionally. But when they butt heads, I get stuck in the middle. The mom in me wants to protect her, but the adult in me says that she's an adult and needs to take responsibility for the things she does. It's usually in the way of housework or such. I do want her to be independent and move out, but when hubby says she's got to go, I don't want to make her homeless!

Since she got her car a week or so ago, she's been a bit more social with her friends, but that's caused a different issue, with hubby. When she goes out with her friends, she doesn't come until 2:00 am. While I'm glad she's getting a social life and hopefully moves out with some friends, I am tired of getting caught in between their personality conflicts. This makes me stressed out and when I'm stressed....I eat. Not healthy!

Don't know what to do.



FOURAKRES
Posts: 26
9/10/12 5:45 P

i'm so glad this msg board is here. it's a safe place for me to vent so that i don't vent on ppl who are causing the problem.

my grown stepson moved away to Texas and stayed there a couple of months, working, with the idea of moving his girlfriend & 2 kids there. he came back when he figured out that it wasn't going to work (we could have told him that before he left.). thankfully, his former employer has hired him back.

anyway, on the weekend he came home, we hadn't heard from him, so i suggested to my husband to call him to say hey, welcome home, etc. he went by there instead, no one home. we still don't hear from them that day or the next, so i text his gfriend, re: how about us taking them out to eat at Chik Fil A. "he doesn't like Chik Fila A." well, okay, what DOES he like? he likes Sonny's BBQ or Cracker Barrel. well we don't have the funds to pay for 4 ppl to eat out there, so why don't we go dutch? well, instead of that, why don't we put on a "shin dig" for him at our house? (a shin dig is where i invite a bunch of ppl over, i feed them and we sing & play guitars afterwards).

i'm like, well, we might could do that, altho not sure our budget can handle that.

and also they have plans for supper that night, so can't do it then. well that's okay. you know, whatever.

me & my hubby were spending that weekend at our farm, 2 miles away, and come to find out, richard's 2 children & their families were having supper AT OUR HOUSE that night, WITHOUT INVITING US to come!!!! holy crap!!!! they're pissed at me, but they sure didn't mind eating at my house!!!! (they cleaned up, etc., so that's not the issue.)

then sunday on the way home from church, i suggest we stop by their house on the way to our house. they're home, step son answers the door, lets us in, hugs his dad hello, and TURNS HIS BACK TO ME AND WALKS AWAY, NEVER SAYING A WORD TO ME.

THEN he disappears into his bedroom for several minutes, and i'm thinking, "my God, isn't he even going to visit with his dad????!!!" he then comes out and sits in the living room with the rest of us.

i'm trying to keep the conversation going. it's EVIDENT to everyone there that he does NOT want me in his home. it was soooooooooo incredibly rude & hateful. i stuck it out and played nice and we stayed at least 30 minutes, 29 minutes too long in my opinion. but i wasn't going to be ugly.

then i don't go to my hubby's mom's weekly supper for 2 weeks in a row b/c i just did NOT want to have to see him or his gfriend.

then my step dau & her fam go out of town, but leave their cats here, which is fine. but she didn't tell me that she had asked her brother to come feed them. he shows up here one day, and i yell for my hubby & tell him that his son is here. i'm sure it was evident to him that i didn't want to speak to him.

so then step dau & her fam stay gone longer than what they had planned, but no communication with us. well, okay, we're not their keepers. they're adults, they're free to come & go as they wish.

they came home last night, and she's not said TWO WORDS to me since she's been back, and it's obvious she's giving me the cold shoulder.

*****GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR******* AND i'm sure she's spent some time this past week talking bad about me to her in laws, whom i love. and it never once dawned on her that there MIGHT be more to the story than me "not welcoming Matt at my house" ?????? and it didn't occur to her to call me and us talk about this?????

since i'm the stepmother, my step son & step dau are both SO QUICK to judge, criticize, condemn and sentence me without ever ONCE thinking that there might be more to the story than what they're seeing or discussing anything with me OR their dad. IF we find out about anything, it's b/c they've been talking bad about me/us behind my/our backs & we've heard it from that person/ppl.

me & my hubby have been married for 12 years, and all this time, i have tried to stay in the background, not pushed myself on anyone, not begged or bribed ppl to have a relationship with me ( when we got married, hub's youngest son, the one who's causing the trouble, was 16, and 2 other sibs were grown & gone). i felt like the decision to have a relationship was up to them. neither him nor this step dau who's living with us now have EVER welcomed or accepted me into their family. EVER.

and silly, innocent me......i thought when our kids were grown & out of the house, that we'd be home free. what the hell was i thinking??????? i'm beginning to wonder if this will EVER end. and i just don't want to live the rest of my life like this.

i've got to have a talk with my step son to see if we can clear the air. i've been putting it off, waiting on things to calm down a little. well they did for a week or two, but now things are in a uproar again. so i guess i'm just going to have to call him & set it up no matter what is or isn't happening at the time.

i'll talk to my step dau first--at least she's willing to work thru things once i confront her to talk it out.

i'm not sure how my step son is gonna react , but that's not my problem.

my stomach is hurting from the stress, and i just got back from the grocery store, and i bought cinnamon rolls, bacon, hashbrown patties, pancake mix, corned beef hash, NONE of those things were on my list, NOR are they what i've been eating. but i go running back to comfort food every time this happens. thankfully, it hasn't affected my weight yet, but this isn't healthy!

i don't have anyone i can talk to about this, so i just sit at home and it goes round and round in my mind. this is NOT good!!!

Lord help me......



IAMLOVEDBYYOU
Posts: 369
8/30/12 1:35 P

I am 22 and living at home with my parents. It gets difficult at times. I do what I can, but the real problem is my brother. He moved back in two years ago (he's 25) and is a big slob and expects parents to clean up after him all of the time.

I take that back. He doesn't expect them to pick up after him, but doesn't clean up after himself. That was fine when he was living alone or with 2 other slob roommates, but it doesn't fly in the house.

I'm not sure about the details of your relationship with your children, but maybe you can just lay down some ground rules. Don't put up with it. Turn off the internet while you are gone. Put away the TV while you are at work. If they don't keep it clean, they lose those privledges.



FOURAKRES
Posts: 26
8/29/12 1:51 A

me & my step dau had it out this past sunday. we both were very honest about how we were feeling & what was going on. honest as in mad. but then we worked all the way thru it, and we both said we were good with each other. although now i'm not sure that she meant it.

on top of that, now my stepson has reared his ugly head (he doesn't live with us, but he lives right down the road). he (nor my step dau) have ever welcomed me into the family (me and their dad have been married for 12 years), and have never been interested in a relationship with me. i have respected their wishes and have not pushed myself on them, nor begged or bribed them to like me.

so, my stepson doesn't want a relationship with me, but yet he's upset b/c me & his dad don't keep his kids as often as he'd like. he wants nothing to do with me, but he gets jealous when me & his dad spend time with his brother TWICE A YEAR when they come down. he wants nothing to do with me, but he wants me to spend my time & energy planning a get together in his honor at our house. hmmmmmmm..........i think not........

my husband is wonderful, but when it comes to his kids, they whine and boo hoo and he runs to them to placate them. they know this and are manipulating him.

come to find out, *I* am the reason my stepson was going to move his family away, just b/c we don't spend enough time with them. well, dang! why would we want to spend time with such negative, complaining, critical, unfriendly ppl????

and you know, if being around me makes them so miserable, then MOVE!!!!! PLEASE!!!! then in about 6 or less months, they'll have to find someone else to blame for their continual unhappiness.

i'm fixing to lay down some boundaries with/about these two, and would like my husband to relay them to them, since they're his kids & they are the ones causing the problems.

for the past few days, i've been running a low grade fever, which is caused by the high level of stress i've been under lately. not good.......

i am also thinking about making other changes in my life. I can only change and control ME. so if i'm unhappy, then i'm the only one who can change that. i'm trying to decide what changes to make.



JENNIEQKA
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8/26/12 11:34 A

Well, it all depends on the culture where someone is living. In the country where I live right now (eastern Europe) it is VERY common for adult children to live in their parents home (it's not religious though, it's an orthodox Christian country!). Children here DO NOT pay rent EVER, parents are considered obliged to finance their studies and if they are not able to finance their education they just don't go on with it.
What is even stranger, it is considered quite a shame for the family if they do not provide housing for their children, especially sons - no matter how many, and have a place to welcome their daughters-in-law and future grandchildren. Here parents practically serve their children as long as they live, most of them struggling with finances to buy appartments (if they have more sons) or build big many-storeys houses to fit everybody in. They are also expected to take care of their grandchildren and the household chores if the young couple is employed.
In return, it is a disgrace for children to send their parents to elderly homes when they can't care for themselves or become ill or disabled. The child who is 'chosen' to take care of them gets the main portion of their property (or all) and he/she also gets all their funds (pension, care etc.)
My father was born in a family with 3 sons and a daughter. The daughter got married and they paid for her wedding and bought her some furniture. My dad was the only one who finished university so that was his 'part'. My younger uncle went to military school, ended up in a European country, married a foreigner and was quite well-off, but his parents and my older uncle who stayed to live with my grandparents still felt obliged to welcome and feed his family for 40 days every year in the past 30 or so years. So my uncle who stayed here inherited everything from his parents and took care of them until they died. My grandpa lived for 89 years 9 of which was disabled due to a stroke. My grandma died at 86 suffering from sclerosis and memory loss after being bed-ridden for 4 years.
I have always hated these traditions and always fought against them. My parents financed my BA to a certain level but I got married at 18 and worked from the very first day. I have spent my life in rented appts for 18 yrs (until last year when we managed to save enough to buy our own house) although my parents have a 44.000 sq.ft empty appt. My 36 year-old brother, a high school teacher, still single, lives with them. He doesn't pay rent or bills, doesn't do laundry, only irons his own clothes.
I could never live like that. I teach my own children to be independent and do their chores regularly. I teach them that money has to be and should be earned and being able and wanting to work is the most important skill in life. I will help them if they want to study but will not provide for them if they fool around. And if they want to get married they have to be able to support themselves and their families.
Conclusion: You rule your household. Whether you turn it into a eastern-european hell or western (read normal!!!) one depends on YOU!

Good luck!

Edited by: JENNIEQKA at: 8/26/2012 (11:36)


FOURAKRES
Posts: 26
8/20/12 10:36 P

my 23 yr old daughter & her 3 yr old son just moved out after living with us for 3 yrs. she's working & going to college, and living by herself is so expensive, and finding a roommate suitable & willing to live with a 3 yr old was impossible. but she's found a mobile home much nearer her work/school, and what she saves on gas will actually pay for her rent. Thank God!

however, a month or so before she moved out, my stepdaughter, her hubs, 9 mo girl, and **5 pets*** moved in!!! .......

i was feeling resentful towards MY daughter since my stepdau moved in, b/c my stepdau has already washed the dishes more in 1 month than my dau has the whole year!!!! and, instead of addressing this issue with my dau, i just acted resentul and cranky towards her.

not mature i know, but i was trying to get in a good place before i talked with her about it. and then, before i got to that place, the trailer she's been wanting to live in for several months became available overnight, and she moved out within 3 days of finding out about it. i still haven't had that talk with her, and i want to, to explain what was going on with me and to apologize.

i also wonder if maybe i was more stressed out than i realized about my stepdau, etc., moving in, and was "taking it out on" my daughter.

so, now my dau & her son are gone, and i'm going thru the feelings of that. it was past time for them to be gone, but it's still hard, ya know? i miss seeing them, and i worry about my grandson. my dau doesn't have much patience with him, and i was a buffer, but now he doesn't have me there as a buffer. (she isn't abusive)

i know i'm not responsible for him, but........ he acts up around her b/c she doesn't give him the attention he needs, so he gets her negative attention. she doesn't realize that, and instead yells at him. *sighhhhhhh*

now, i've got to be careful to not nit pick about my stepdau. she's been helping out--she's cleaned my kitchen twice, and the bathroom they use twice in the few weeks they've been here. she keeps their living area in the back of the house pretty much spotless. and since she's a neat freak, she'll prolly pretty much continue that. she washes the dishes they mess up, which is a tremendous blessing.

i had told her before they moved in that breakfast & lunch are "on your own", and that i usually cook supper. but before they moved in, me & my hubs would eat out a couple of times a week. but we've not been doing that due the higher cost of groceries to feed extra ppl. we had also been eating our left overs better (as opposed to them going to waste). but since we have the 2 extra ppl, we rarely have left overs, so that is over. unless i cook a gynormous amount of food, which i don't want to do.

i'm cooking a casserole-type dish a couple times a week to help stretch the meat and putting in lots of fresh in-season veggies to cut down on the cost.

re: nit-picky stuff: evidentally, she puts the kitchen dish rag in the wash basket every day. i don't---i usually do it once a week. so, she and i have been playing "put the dish rag in the wash basket", "get the dish rag out of the wash basket" for several days. finally, today, i thought, "this is crazy. instead of starting to get aggravated about it, just tell her, for crying out loud!" so i did, and she was like, "oh okay." so, no problem, but i was stewing a little about it.

silly, i know, but it's not really about the dish rag. it's about the stress of having new ppl in our home. when me & her dad got married, she was already out and in college, so we've never lived in the same house at the same time. me & my hubs prefer a peaceful, quiet home, but we've not had that for 3 yrs & now we're starting over again with a 9 mo fussy baby......

she's also good friends with her brother's 10yr partner, so she now comes over with their 2 kids (our other grandkids) twice a week or more (& usually around supper time), and that's more noise & disruption.

a couple of days ago, i bought a loaf of bread. the partner & our 2 grandkids came over, and my stepdau cooked them all grilled cheese sandwiches (including her & her hubs) for supper. an entire loaf of bread was almost gone the same day i bought it!!!!! i thought, "crap, we're having a hard enough time feeding the 2 extra adults. we can't afford to feed the partner & her 2 kids too!!!!!!!!"

as i mentioned, our 9mo grandbaby is fussy, and that gets on my nerves. and for some reason, when she squeals or fusses, both my hubs & her mom repeat the sound. i'm like, "really? is her doing it not enough?????" one time i DID say, "oh let's all join in!" i'll say something to my hubs about it soon, and he'll stop, but i don't know if i'll say anything to our stepdau about it. maybe with only 1 person echoing it, it won't be as bad as the gbaby, my hubs AND my stepdau doing it!!!!!!!

thankfully, they spend almost all of their time in the back of the house, where i can't hear them. my stepdau likes her privacy too, so that's a wonderful blessing. they come into the main part of the house for meal times, and that's when the baby is the most fussy. and i really dislike eating with stressful stuff going on.......*another sighhhhhhhh*

i can't say anything on facebook, b/c i'm friends with my stepdau on it. so, i really needed to find a place to vent about it, and finally found this forum, after looking off and on all night.

so, to help me find peace, i go to our farm 1 1/2 miles away and spend an hour or two once or twice a day with my horse. i usually just sit outside in the shade in the pasture and soak in the peace of the sky, trees, grass. and that helps a lot, of course.

one day, i snuck out when my 2 other grandkids were here! i had had enough & just couldn't take any more noise. and i was so concerned they'd see me slip out & ask me where i was going & ask to come. i was in such a bad place, i would have lied to them and told them i was going to run errands and they couldn't come. technically, i WAS runing an errand--i had to go feed the horse. but naturally, they would have wanted to go with me, and i just couldn't face that that day. but thank the Lord, they didn't see me. i didn't come home til dark.

me & my hubs also stayed at the farm in our "vacation home," which is a camper, a couple of days last week while he was on vacation. that was nice, and frankly, i wasn't ready to come home.

we had planned on staying there this weekend, but saturday morning, my mom is having a house warming party for my dau & i'm gonna do some cooking for it. unless i can do food that i can put together on friday and take on saturday. that would work.

sorry for this being so long. obviously i really needed to get this out. things could be tremendously worse, for which i'm thankful they're not. i just need & want to keep my composure and peace during this transition time.

our son-in-law started a job today (& he's staying with his brother during the week while he works). they are planning on moving out just as quick as they can. so it won't be long, it won't be long, it won't be long. haha.......





BIBINAK
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6/29/12 8:24 A

A heartfelt thanks to all of those who have participated in this thread.

Reading these parental perspectives of adult children living at home has enabled me to understand what my own parents may be feeling and will certainly try to make things less stressful for them by keeping my room tidier.

I find the best way around this source of stress is to actually eliminate it together; parent and child helping each other with each room in the house. In a sense it strengthens the parent-child bond to tackle on another monster. That way the stress can be directed at the mess rather than each other.

If anyone has any other tips please do let me know.

Peace x

P.S

From my own point of view as an "adult child" messy rooms undoubtedly are a source of stress for both parties. For those of you looking for a younger insight we're not just lazy slobs -more often that not stuck in a trap ourselves-hope the blog entry helps:

www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_
individual.asp?blog_id=4947288


Edited by: BIBINAK at: 6/29/2012 (08:30)


SCAREDOFFROGS
Posts: 671
9/19/11 9:32 A

my daughter moved back with me after two years in marriage that involved substance abuse. She is in a methadone program and follows the program and is doing what she needs to do to make positive changes in her life. She works from home and is diligent in staying on task. Her husband has moved here to live closer to her and see if they can work things out. I hope for the best for her but worry that she will be pressured into returning to the unhealthy relationship she left. Her father-in-law seems to me to be making things way too easy for them to get back together without the work of cleaning up the lifestyle that created all the problems in the first place. Reading these messages has helped me to remember that having an adult child move back home is just naturally a stressful situation that requires using coping skills and lots of patience. I'm feeling much less territorial of my small space.



DRKKFISCH
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9/16/11 2:10 P

Have been not been connected to Spark this past month due to management of "life stressors." Back being connected and just read your posting. WOW! Thank you! May let you know how this turns out but your feedback / suggestions were greatly appreciated and makes sense.



KLMULCAHY123
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Posts: 50
9/3/11 4:58 P

Thank you I am starting on the list!



MUMMYUK2
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9/2/11 9:48 A

Write down your grievances and a list of things you want accomplished and then a have a family meeting of how to achieve this

EXAMPLE:
1. Dirty dishes, laundry, bathrooms etc.
2. Rent, to cover utilities (do the math come up with a dollar amount you NEED)
3. Hours (Your house is a home not a train station there should be a time at which it's too late to be coming and going)

Good Luck and remember people treat us they way WE allow them to emoticon



TMR0011
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9/2/11 9:34 A

My DD only 2 so not there yet as a parent. As a adult child I did live at home with my parents until I was 25. I had a summer job while in highschool and as soon as I graduated from highschool I got a part-time job at about 25-30 hours a week cashier job while going to university full time. It never occured to me to not work. My parents assisted with university costs but did not have enough to cover everything. I did not pay rent but I did finish paying off my car and payed for all my expenses other than food and rent. I also helped around the house cleaned "my" bathroom and did my own laundry... cleaned up after myself. I worked WITH my parents and we got along fine. I let them know where I would be out of respect b/c they worried about me. In turn they didn't have to have a bunch of rules for me. We lived together as adults and I appreciated their help. I got my degree at 23 and stayed at home rent free for 2 more years. I did have trouble finding work with my degree so I continued my employment with the store I worked in and became the full time head cashier. Not what I thought I'd be doing as a degreed person but it was work. I made about $10 and hour. I payed off $10,000 worth of student debt in 2 years. I again lived with my parents rent free but worked full-time. I payed my own expenses except food and rent. Car, gas, insurance, clothing, entertainment, etc. was payed by me and a majority of what I made went to paying off the debt. At 25 I moved out of my parents house debt free and even with a low paying job was able to make ends meet.

My parents helped me but didn't do everything for me and never gave me spending money. Even when I was scrounging quarters from beneath the floor mats to put gas in my car. I learned to manage not only my money but my expectations. I could not have lived on my own if I expected to live the same lifestyle that I enjoyed as a teenager with a father that was making a six figure salary. I had to adjust my expecations to fit a much lower income.

I can look back with pride at what I've achieved and worked for. My parents helped but nobody handed me anything.

It's about respect and you are not demanding and not getting respect. My mother kicked my brother out b/c of behavior like your kids are demonstrating.

First on the list is they all should get jobs even if it's minimum wage. Snowkat had a great post.




KLMULCAHY123
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9/1/11 4:33 P

Widow all three daughters moved back in with my grandson (he can stay with me forever) issues is money. I hate having to ask! The deal was $100 a month per person. Not the baby though. The oldest daughter and middle daughter who actually has gone back to college pay plus some. they come and go as they please all hours day and night. The youngest works for a vet and now her finance is there. when I asked for two hundred so power would get cut off she flipped. Said theyd move out. i said fine and now last night she left me some money in my room! I know its my fault because they have gotten by with everything since their fathers accenditent any suguest where to start turning them back into the great girls they were!



BUFFEDSTUFF--
Posts: 2,520
7/13/11 7:46 P

Hire a cleaning service to come in once or twice a week, that way everyone is at ease.Hopefully this will be a win win situation for everyone involved.



DRKKFISCH
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Posts: 34
7/6/11 1:01 A

A job chart is a good idea. It's funny that our family had that when my daughters were younger but did not think about it at this season of life. I can see giving it a try, Thanks!



KELLYTHEFIT0710
SparkPoints: (36,687)
Fitness Minutes: (25,068)
Posts: 344
6/30/11 9:19 A

My 22 year old daughter moved back home after having a baby last year. She is going to school and working, so she is pretty busy. I wish that she would do more around the house (she doesn't pay rent), but she does whatever I ask her to...she just doesn't take the initiative. She does the laundry and dishes regularly, but not much else. She will call on her way home from school or work and pick up whatever I need at the grocery store (milk, etc.). But I am thinking of creating a job board with everyone's responsibilities...I think it might head off any resentments that creep in! emoticon



ANDREAPRAIRIE
Posts: 108
6/29/11 7:52 P

Cynnane - you and your mom must be so proud - Keep up the hard work, and there will be vacations in your future.

I was raised much like you, first went away to college and came back home, but ALWAYS worked. When I got tired of my parents house rules - I did move out. I didn't complete a degree until just a few years ago (I am 53). Getting that degree when you're young will pay off multifold in life.



CYNNANE
Posts: 567
6/29/11 5:47 P

A young adult's perspective:
I have been on my own financially since I was seventeen (I am currently twenty-five). I moved out of my parent's house after my high school graduation because I wanted to. My home life was fine, and I have a good relationship with my parents but I was ready to be on my own and not have to follow their rules (it is their house and I understood I had to follow their rules).
I worked my butt off with two jobs plus teaching piano lessons and cleaning house for a neighbor for extra cash. I NEVER took less than a full time load in college including loading up on summer school hours. I graduated in four years with a 3.75 GPA and a BA in Political Science and History. My parents did not pay a cent for my education, I took out loans and received scholarships. Oh, and I had a baby during my sophomore year of college (that was the semester of my lowest grade, a B- in College Algebra).
My point is not "look at how awesome I am" but that "you can take care of yourself and achieve great things without the financial support of your parents." I understand many parents WANT to help, don't get me wrong if they had offered to pay ANY of my university funds I would have jumped at that opportunity. My mom raised me to be independent, and she did a good job. I have never had to ask for money, and have never had to move back home. I also don't have a new car, can't buy new clothes whenever I want nor go on vacations twice a year (or once for that matter emoticon ). I have learned to live within my means and take care of myself which, in my opinion, is the best lesson a parent can teach their children.
I'm not saying you haven't done this, but it sounds like the two oldest need a little tough love. They ought to be working, there is no excuse (my personal experience tells me working and going to school is not impossible). Certainly, if they are staying in your house they need to follow your rules (especially if they are not working nor going to school your house ought to be SPOTLESS!) I understand aesthetician school is normally a little more demanding hourly than traditional university, and she is your youngest, but by toughening up on the oldest two you will set an excellent example for their younger sister.



ANDREAPRAIRIE
Posts: 108
6/29/11 1:23 P

I have a 19 year old daughter living at home who does suffer from anxiety and depression - its a constant battle, and one that is hard to fight given her issues. I often wonder if some of her issues are my fault - she is our baby, and there are times when I simple did to much for her and enabled her to a certain extent to be what she is today.

I have at times been able to correct my behavior by simply putting my foot down. We do not give her money, and I am not into buying her "things" like I used to be - it is time for her to get on with her life, get a job and buy her own things. I have seen a little green eyed monster at times - I got new sandals, she wanted them or some like them, and I just told her "Get a JOB". It is time, she is doing well on her medication - and I think she is close. She's been pretty good lately cooking our dinner since we both work, and keeping up with some of the household chores - dishes, dusting, vacuuming & she does her own laundry and sometimes ours as well.

If you have 3 daughters living at home and none of them have jobs, it sounds to me like you need to stop giving them things or money or whatever it is that makes them think they don't "need" a job. Parenting seems to never end, but this is really hard to learn to be tougher on kids this age - you are certainly not alone in this.



LKISINSATIABLE
Posts: 382
6/27/11 2:53 P

I have a long way to go before I reach the parent side of this, but as a daughter I stayed at my dad's house in the summer for 2 summers while I went to school. I did not pay rent, but I did work two jobs, so I wasn't really home enough to eat or make a mess. I think we avoided the resentment over money since I was working and kept up the car that I used during the summer (oil changes, etc) and they did not help me pay for school at all. They couldn't afford to help pay for school, so I guess they figured it was the least they could do. Lol, I never thought the job thing was an option; I've been working officially since I was 16 and under the table as a babysitter since I was 13.



SPONDYMAMA
Posts: 33
6/21/11 1:34 P

I have a 19 year old son and a 21 year old daughter still living at home. Two Sundays ago I spent the entire day cleaning the house. The Monday I work from 9am - 8pm. When I came in and found crap all over the livingroom and a pile of dishes...I blew up. emoticon I must have gotten a point across, for the past week the dishes have been kept up. I'm not having to clean the living room every morning from their night before. I still do most of the housework but at least it's not picking up after them. I wish you luck... I hope it doesn't come to a melt down at your house.



SHARIO2
Posts: 3,694
6/20/11 1:11 P

Great answer snokat!



SNOWKAT
Posts: 377
6/20/11 1:00 P

All of them should follow the house rules. Perhaps write them down and have a family meeting making it clear what you expect. You have to change.....I suspect they've never had to be accountable for their behavior and the only way to get them to change is to change yourself. (perhaps. stop doing their laundry, if they leave dishes in the family area...put the dirty plates in their room (on their bed)....no reason you have to look at the dirty dishes or clean them...for goodness sakes don't give them any money for any reason. stop buying their favorite brands of things... if possible make one bathroom off-limits to them. You need a plan that is specific and organized...and perhaps you modify it weekly as things start to improve.

If I was in college full-time & passing, I didn't have to have a job or pay rent. School was my job. However, it was still my parents house and I had to follow their rules, else they would have me move out (and I believe that they would have). So I did my own laundry, dusted, dishes...mowed the lawn, whatever needed to be done.

They didn't give me spending money (they paid for college) ...so I continued to babysit while in college, and worked on weekends.

...and the 23 year old / spending time at the boy friends and part time with you... she must have a job, so she should pay rent (determined by the amount of her salary.)

Good luck - remember you can only change your behaviors, and if you don't change, they won't change.



SHARIO2
Posts: 3,694
6/20/11 10:29 A

Adults should be paying rent. It is NOT your responsibility to take care of your adult children unless they are physically or mentally unable to take care of themselves. Not only should they be paying rent, but they should be cleaning up after themselves and splitting the housework. If they choose not to clean up they have two choices - move out or pay more rent to cover maid service.



ANEWLIZ
Posts: 4
6/19/11 4:43 P

Tell them to get jobs or get out.



DRKKFISCH
SparkPoints: (4,030)
Fitness Minutes: (1,482)
Posts: 34
6/18/11 3:05 P

I'm sure this has been a previous topic (noticed a posting that was last active 1 yr. ago) but could really use some feedback, etc. I have 3 daughters (23, 21 & 19) all living at home. The 23 y/o has never lived elsewhere. She is often at a boyfriends apt. which leaves me to take care of her cat. 19 y/o moved back from school/dorms after needing to re-evaluate school pursuit & focus. She is now full-time student (5 days a week) in school to be an aesthetician & seems to be a good fit. 21 y/o returned home just for summer to "regroup" & plans to return to school this fall as a senior.

Questions & concerns I'm sure are obvious. I'm back to resenting messy rooms & bathroom, no one has a job so resent $$$ issues, and the daily picking-up. My husband & I work full-time. I leave a list of chores they could do & projects they could do to earn $ around the house, but VERY little seems to get accomplished. When the debate begins and they claim they have helped around the house, I ask them to write it down on an on-going list so I can recognize, but again nothing. Without getting too lengthy & into background details, how have others managed similar situation? THANKS!




 
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