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LEC358 SparkPoints: (10,550)
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3/24/14 9:53 A

I think "emotionally invested" is a bit of a misnomer and what I think what people really mean is "emotionally surrogate." To me this means that I am communicating with/to someone in a way that I used to communicate with my SO.

Take this hypothetical: at the beginning of my relationship I leaned on my SO for support after a crappy day at work, but now (X time after) I talk to this guy at a bar I go to about it because for X reason I don't talk to my SO as much. Versus the case where there are things that I feel that I can't burden my SO with at this point in time so I need to talk to someone else until I'm ready to talk it through with my SO. To me, the first case is a step on the path towards cheating, the second is not.

KJFITNESSDUDE Posts: 15,787
3/24/14 9:46 A

Two of my besties are female and YOUNG at that (29 & 25) and my fiancÚ knows that they are and has met them (we were invited to one of their weddings) and I do share with them lots of stuff that I don't normally share with my fiancÚ but none of it is sexual in nature, its usually gossip crap............

ANARIE Posts: 12,541
3/23/14 10:02 P

I'm puzzled by the "emotionally invested" definition. How can you have a friendship of any type if you're NOT emtionally invested? I'm emotionally invested in my friendships with women, and that's definitely not cheating, so why would it be cheating if I had the same depth of platonic friendship with a man?

My best friend is a man. There is NO physical attraction involved, but we're best buddies, and I talk to him about things I don't always share with boyfriends. It's never been a problem in any of my relationships, nor in any of his as far as I know. Of course, maybe the fact that we've been besties since 1995 without ever having any physical contact whatsoever has something to do with it. If we haven't gotten together in 20 years, it's a pretty safe bet we're never going to!

WOMANOFSTEELE Posts: 55
3/23/14 11:54 A

If confronted about hidden text messages (hours of texting at one time on multiple occasions spanning 6 months), sexually explicit text messages that were seen and the other party is named and it is vehemently denied even tho the evidence is right there . . . it's cheating.

As many others have said, if there is a problem in the relationship, there are counselors who are trained to listen and offer advice that doesn't include sexual comments, or virtual intimacy which would add to the destruction of a relationship.

ARMYWIFEKASS93 SparkPoints: (4,384)
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3/19/14 12:57 P

My definition of cheating is anything you wouldn't tell your spouse that you were doing. Hiding text messages, sneaking around, ect..

LOUNMOUN Posts: 1,332
3/19/14 12:41 P

That is an interesting question. I don't think gender or personality matters so much as what the individual couple understands the boudaries of their relationship being.

I feel that if you use someone or something else for what would normally be your partner's role in your life (emotionally or physically) without your partner's knowledge/consent then I would say that could be considered cheating on or breaking your vow/bond with your partner.

If my dh basically checked out of our lives together and started spending time talking/texting intimately and hanging out with another woman I would view that relationship as a type of cheating even if there was no sex. To me that behavior would be damaging to our relationship. That isn't just being friends to me.



CWIEBER SparkPoints: (1,538)
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3/19/14 11:44 A

I cheat when I don't log everything I eat into the nutrition tracker, for example-not logging the honey I pur in my tea.

KJFITNESSDUDE Posts: 15,787
3/19/14 11:42 A

Thanks! I guess I'm not talking about what's formed by solidification of magma deep within the earth and crystalline throughout such as plutonic rock
LOL!

emoticon

IVYLASS SparkPoints: (134,609)
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3/19/14 11:35 A

There are many forms of cheating. Your friend's wife is engaged in emotional cheating. If she has gaps in her relationship with her husband she should work on them with her husband, not seek someone else to fill in what she feels is missing.

By the way, it's "platonic," not "plutonic."

Someone once said women need to feel loved in order to feel sexy, and men need to have sex in order to feel loved. I would suggest the wife is fast on her way to moving from emotional cheating to physical cheating.

LOLA_LALA Posts: 659
3/19/14 9:13 A

I have two all-I-can-eat days a month, which some refer to as "cheat days." But I've maintained my weight for several years now, and I think of them more as "planned foodie holidays" emoticon I'm not cheating anything or anyone.

MLAN613 SparkPoints: (181,465)
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3/19/14 7:56 A

Ahhhh, yes, Luann hit it perfectly. I am currently in a situation where my husband cheated on me. And I am carefully guarding myself to not do the same back to him by physically or emotionally cheating on him. I am not certain what's going to happen with our marriage but I need to keep myself away from the sin (yes, I consider emotional and physical adultery a sin). I think it would cause and is probably causing deeper issues for KJ's friend.

JANIEWWJD SparkPoints: (264,362)
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3/19/14 12:00 A

I define cheating as intentionally harming yourself and your relationship and knowing full well that you are doing so; and not doing anything about it!!!!

VIPETTE SparkPoints: (8,323)
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3/18/14 11:18 P

Having "emotional contact" can be just as intimate as having "physical contact", depending on the conversations. I don't think it differs by gender, but than I've never TRULY known what's going through a man's head.

BLUENOSE63 SparkPoints: (103,269)
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3/18/14 9:44 P

If you wouldn't do or say it with your SO or spouse there ,then that is cheating to me. For example if I were.speaking to one of my male friends then I make sure whatever I say to him, I would say if my husband were standing right there with us.

DMJAKES Posts: 1,629
3/18/14 2:35 P

I'd have to agree with the others about the "emotionally invested" part. Does she invite her spouse along when she goes out with this guy? Does she hide anything about their relationship (how often they see each other, where, for how long, etc)? Is she telling him things that she should be sharing with her spouse instead? If so, I think she's messing with fire. Is the other guy married, and if so does the other wife know about this?

If she feels marriage counseling is needed and he won't go, she should go alone. She can get a lot of good feedback and advice (and can probably speak more freely) without him. I'd bet a paycheck that the counselor would tell her to back off the opposite sex friendships, at least for now. She's in a very vulnerable place and could do something she'd regret later. I'd bet the other guy is just biding his time, waiting for her to either make a move or not stop him from going too far.....then it will be too late, IMO. If she ends up with this guy, all she's got is a man who lured away another man's wife. I sure wouldn't want THAT.

My question would be....why not take the high road? Tell the spouse that the marriage is crumbling and that you're at the point of no return, but make sure your actions aren't contributing to the divide.

That said, I don't think it's any different between the genders...if you're looking to someone else for something that should be within the confines of the marriage, you're cheating.

GOALIEGRANDMA3 SparkPoints: (97,652)
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3/18/14 2:20 P

when I saw this topic, I thought it related to FOOD Iv;e been married for close to 50 years, so I am not a good one to comment on this question

MANDIETERRIER1 Posts: 14,021
3/18/14 2:04 P

What Luann in PA said. If you are emotionally invested in someone other than your spouse, it is cheating.



Edited by: MANDIETERRIER1 at: 3/18/2014 (14:06)
RIET69 SparkPoints: (47,087)
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3/18/14 1:46 P

I thought this was going to be about cheating with food and I was set to answer that the only one you can really cheat with food is yourself by not owning up to how much you you eat. With relationships I think the person her/him self knows when a relationship becomes cheating. I don't think anyone else can judge.

TRYINGHARD54 Posts: 4,369
3/18/14 12:34 P

That can be a tuff one. But, I can have male friends
easier then females. And I have no intentions of cheating.
But, I don't have a troubled marriage either.

FEDGIRL4 Posts: 2,033
3/18/14 12:28 P

It does depend on the person or couple.

Of course there are the "cut and dries" -- any sexual activity, then yes. Anything beyond a hug and a peck kiss, then yes. Some people are friends who playfully smack each other on the butt or flirt and there is nothing to that for them.

You don't solve your marital (or relationship) problems by inviting in others to fill the deep down gaps.

SHERYLDS Posts: 12,620
3/18/14 11:37 A

I guess it depends on the person. I think you can have friendships regardless of gender...sometimes it helps a person see how the opposite sex thinks. We don't all have supportive brothers or male relatives to talk to for insight. Unfortunately it is a situation that is easy to misunderstand...from all sides.

By the same token...straight bromances or sisterhoods can be harmful to a relationship if those friends want to monopolize your significant other's time. Is that a form of cheating?

Edited by: SHERYLDS at: 3/18/2014 (11:38)
SUZIEQUE77 SparkPoints: (9,251)
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3/18/14 11:29 A

I think people get too caught up in definitions of words that change with the context, and have different meanings to different people. To me, cheating most often means something like cheating on taxes, or cheating on a test.

However, if we are talking about cheating in a relationship, I still think too much emphasis is given to whether to call something cheating or not.

Lets say I decide NOT to call that type of platonic, mostly talking, sharing, confiding personal thoughts and feelings type of relationship cheating. It does not matter whether I call it cheating or not because I would NOT be willing to allow my husband that type of relationship with another woman any more than I would allow him to physically or verbally abuse me regularly. And if he were to insist on it, it would be a deal breaker for our M.

I don't see this as any different whether it is a man or a woman, and whether the deep down "intentions" are to take it physical, or not.



ICEDEMETER Posts: 892
3/18/14 11:23 A

I think every individual has their own definition of "cheating on a relationship", and that the definitions don't follow gender lines at all. I think that it's really important to discuss this right from the beginning of a relationship, because the odds seem to be good that both partners will have different definitions, and understanding each others viewpoint can help avoid needless hurt feelings down the road.

KJFITNESSDUDE Posts: 15,787
3/18/14 10:19 A

LOL EELPIE, I've got way more female friends than I do male friends and my fiancÚ has met nearly every one of them, I tell her stories from here and from real life, too.

EELPIE Posts: 2,700
3/18/14 10:15 A

"IF you are emotionally invested with someone other than your spouse, that is cheating to me."

Yep.

I have a ton of male friends (I'm a guys girl, not a girls girl) - but we are just friends - does that make sense?

MISSRUTH Posts: 3,974
3/18/14 9:58 A

I think lu_ann hit it, with "emotionally invested". If she's having problems with her marriage and looking for another man to "fill the gaps".... sounds like she's emotionally invested. Almost sounds like she's testing the waters, to see if she's got a "backup" for leaving her husband.

Nothing wrong with a spouse having a friend of the opposite sex-- assuming it's a healthy marriage, no trust issues. I think there'd be a problem though if the other spouse was always excluded, if that friendship was always "outside" the marriage. Hidden emails & text messages, secret meetings etc. If you're hiding something... maybe you shouldn't be doing it.

EMPRESSAMQ Posts: 5,077
3/18/14 9:48 A

There is no reason why people of opposite genders should not have platonic friendships, whatever their marital status. That is not "cheating," it is friendship.

The above is my opinion.

I forget what the second question was.

Too complex for this hour in the morning.

Edited by: EMPRESSAMQ at: 3/24/2014 (09:01)
LUANN_IN_PA Posts: 16,667
3/18/14 9:39 A

IF you are emotionally invested with someone other than your spouse, that is cheating to me.

KJFITNESSDUDE Posts: 15,787
3/18/14 9:38 A

So, my fiancÚ and I know a couple who is going through a rough time, the wife has been unhappy for quite a while and now has a male friend whom she has a plutonic relationship with (no sex and we believe her), this guy fills in the gaps in her marriage (she professes to love her husband deeply but he won't see a marriage counselor with her.

I say to my fiancÚ that she's not cheating since there's no physical contact just lots of talk, she says it is cheating.

I told her that if the guy was doing the same thing then it'd be cheating for sure because I think men have "intentions" whereas women not so much meaning that I believe (my opinion) that a woman would not cross that line and cheat on her spouse.....eh, maybe it's the exact opposite.

All that said I know that most likely it's up to each individual (regardless of gender) to decide what constitutes as "cheating".

Topic question:
What do you consider cheating?
Do you believe that the definition of cheating may vary due to gender or personality types?

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