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Wow. Totally rude comment.



 
 
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SCAREWALDORF
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11/27/12 10:29 A

I would not be happy with someone entering my room without permisson. Not done. I would be watching this guy like a hawk. Anyone who thinks that it's ok for someone you have known for three months to come into your personal space as and when they please.... emoticon

Like many have said below, his comments are the least of your worries. I would ask bf to have a word, he may respond to another guy more.



LULABELLE2013
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11/27/12 2:37 A

I think this is a little more serious than just a jerk making a comment. This guy has boundary issues (personal comments about your body, entering personal space and gawking, and being in your friend's room). He's creepy.

My gut says be careful!



RJANEWWAY
Posts: 1,388
11/24/12 12:32 P

LB1369, while the roommate's intentions matter, they are not the primary issue. Even if he is just socially inept, he has violated your boundaries, which also matter. You should feel safe in your own home - both physically and emotionally. You have every right to assert those boundaries. First and foremost, don't ever come in someone else's bedroom without knocking. My adult son and I live in the same house and neither of us would show the disrespect of coming in without knocking, especially in the middle of the night. Major, major boundary issues. I would encourage an honest dialog with your BF first. The others living in the house need to be aware of how both you and your BF's sister feel and of the privacy / boundary violations. This guy does not sound safe. It's not about your Time Of Month. Trust your own instincts.

And congratulations on the weight loss. emoticon



THEMRS916
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11/24/12 12:30 P

i would have looked right at him and said " i have eyes" they are up here.



LIBBYL1
Posts: 5,744
11/23/12 10:26 P

your reaction was appropriate. his behaviour and comments are not.



CHESAPEAKE60
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11/22/12 6:05 A

It's kinda like playing "telephone" isn't it? emoticon which does show the limitations of conversing online. You don't get all the subtle inflections, facial expressions, and tone that goes with a face to face conversations. And -even face to face - 2 different people can "hear" the conversation differently.

But since we are all here on SP with a common goal of healthy living it is nice to remain open and civil in our discussions. emoticon



Edited by: CHESAPEAKE60 at: 11/22/2012 (06:06)


LUANN_IN_PA
Posts: 15,872
11/21/12 10:31 P

" However, it is TOM so maybe I was just being bratty."

Time
Of the
Month



CHESAPEAKE60
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11/21/12 10:04 P

Sigh........ Look at the sentence you quoted. She is saying it is TOM - as in Time Of Month - TOM. TOM is common use for when referring to one's period. And people get moody ( bratty ) when they are having their period. So she was saying that maybe she was just being bratty about the guy because it was that time of the month.

Only I don't think it was her (or her TOM) that was the problem at all. It was this unnamed male roommate being more than a little inappropriate.


Edited by: CHESAPEAKE60 at: 11/22/2012 (06:08)


SURVIVOR61
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11/21/12 7:17 P

However, it is TOM so maybe I was just being bratty.
This is not her time of the month. She said this after complaining the guy was in the other females room in the early am. And walked in on her excercising. She at no point and time spoke of her period. It is simple she has an issue with her boyfriend's bestfriend.
1) Talk with your Boyfriend
2) Talk with fellow room mates
3) Talk with Tom
4) Act like ADULTS





CHESAPEAKE60
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11/21/12 6:07 P

Ok, I have tried not to say anything but I don't think the rude pervert roommate is named TOM. The OP - I think - was saying that it was that Time Of Month. That is the TOM she was speaking of.



SURVIVOR61
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11/21/12 4:08 P

Thank you Katbox, Bunny...I really tried to look at all sides of the original statements and come to a calm conclusion since this is a bestfriend verses a girlfriend situation. And a key part for me was "well after all it is Tom". As this is part of the normal living arrangement and has been allowed to go on for way to long. And now Tom's action's are coming in to question and need's to be addressed with all the roommates, In a calm rational and adult way.



JIMBUNNY
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11/20/12 9:58 P

you know what i noticed in the first post, first and foremost, is that you lost 4 sizes. That's awesome. IMO, some people will always say stupid things that reference looks. Some guys can be especially clueless and insensitive. Whatever your size or looks are and whoever you are, someone somewhere will say something a bit out-of-line at various times. I feel like one of the best things you can do is CHOOSE to focus on your success with relation to your health and not let a stupid comment by a not-so socially bright guy become a setback in any way. Don't let his comment chip away at all the hard work you have done both on the outside AND the inside that has gotten you where you are right now.



KATBOXJANITOR
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11/19/12 8:33 P

If I had not read the SECOND post with the additional info about the same guy sitting in the other female's bedroom watching her at 3 AM and the opening the doors to their bedrooms and watching them...I would have agreed that there was an element of overreacting(her) AND rudeness (him).

BUT the additional info make me concerned about his predatory past history (I can't believe he has not had this issue before!) and potential future.

Her boyfriend needs to know this is happening and the suggestions about the calm 1 or 2 'bullet points' conversation - in a neutral location - is a very good thing.

emoticon



SURVIVOR61
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11/19/12 7:14 P

emoticon 's it is then my sister in Christ. I do truly want to be friends. And I always try to be a peace maker first in all situations, unless it involves a child's safety. Then it's actions first questions later. emoticon emoticon emoticon



CHESAPEAKE60
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11/19/12 5:35 P

I am confused. Friendship has nothing to do with being in agreement. I have a wide variety of friends. We are alike in some ways and very different in others. Some more than others. It is these differences that make life interesting. I thought we were simply exchanging opinions....... emoticon



SURVIVOR61
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11/19/12 5:26 P

emoticon and emoticon we can't seem to be emoticon "s.
Blessed is He that is the Peace maker



CHESAPEAKE60
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11/18/12 8:35 P

Yes, I see that it is me that needs to have the last word........ emoticon

BTW, I am beginning to see why we have a difference of opinion happening here. There would be no chance of "constantly being groped" for me. One time - and he or I would have been moving. There would be no talking things out with a pervert that groped his sister-in-law.

Edited by: CHESAPEAKE60 at: 11/18/2012 (20:41)


SURVIVOR61
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11/18/12 7:10 P

Chesapeake, undoubtedly you need to have the last word. As that may be fine. And I'm going to say this again. Ground rules need to be established. And personally, I am prepared for anyone entering my bedroom at 3 am in the morning as I do live near a large metropolis city. You have heard of home invasions. But that's not the topic. If the room mates cannot act like Adults, sit down and discuss the problem and come up with ground rules or an alternative to the solution. Then I suggest as a common sense adult make arrangements to find another place to live or if the other room mates are in agreement ask and give proper notice for Tom to move out. And you are entitled to your opinion as I am to mine. I have lived in a college community and actually been in the situation where people are room mates and they are even comfortable walking around in nighties, or the nude around each other. Again each to their own. I just hope and pray that she does not let Tom interfere with her weight loss goals. She has worked way to hard to let that happen. And again, first things first, she should talk to HER Boyfriend and let Him know how she feels. As the leader of our forum stated it could lead to a safety issue. As myself have been in that situation, by allowing a brother in law and my husbands sister move in. I was constantly being groped until I spoke up. Remaining silent is not going to solve her problem. It is a room mate issue all around and needs to be addressed as such. Since she is not the only one having issues with Tom. Spark Friends, please

Edited by: SURVIVOR61 at: 11/18/2012 (19:14)


CHESAPEAKE60
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11/18/12 6:24 P

Survivor, the point is no one read anything into the OP posts. We were responding to the facts as she stated them. Perhaps you would be OK with a male roommate entering your room at 3 in the morning and watching you sleep. Perhaps you would just chalk it up to his awkwardness. Not me!

As for his comments being her problem. Please! Inappropriate is inappropriate regardless of how she does or doesn't personally feel about her chest size.



SURVIVOR61
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11/18/12 5:44 P

Ms. Kiwi,
If you will allow. That is why I suggested sitting down with the other room mates and establishing ground rules, even with her Boyfriend. We do not know the entire story. How long they have been living this way, how long this behaviour has been allowed, as you said"is there something wrong with guy, emotionally". But for me they key was in the first blog ' comment on the boobs being the first place that women loose weight." I believe this upset her and maybe rightfully so. Is it a big deal no. Men, most notice our ample or lack of breast. Or it wouldn't be a mufti million dollar industry for cosmetic surgery. Which I think is stupid, be happy with yourself, accept yourself just the way you are, LOVE You. And once we do that just maybe we can work on keeping ourselves healthy and fit. Just the other night, I saw on T.V. this stupid model whose diet is solely liquid. Just so she can look like the doll Barbie. And she does, with all her surgeries and diet she did not look human. So for pity's sake just talk it out with Tom, if that don't work, look for a new apartment.

Edited by: SURVIVOR61 at: 11/18/2012 (18:07)


SURVIVOR61
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11/18/12 5:30 P

____
LIKE i DID READ the whole thread.. and it sounds like she is insecure about HER body. Her problem not his. And again red my answer. Talk it out..or haven't you ever heard of that. I myself was self concious even when I was thin and had big breasts, I was a very early developer. Even other girls made me very self concious. And they all have to get along if they are going to cohabitate. It may be he's not laughing at her, but admiring her goals. My brother used to do that when ever I used my treadmill. Until I talked about with him and he told me that he never thought he would see me on a treadmill. That all through the years of being a tom boy and following him around he just never thought I would be heavy and doesn't believe I that I'm heavy now. Just watching me brought back memories of me as a little girl. He ment no offense.
_________
Maybe it was harsh but I don't want some guy I've known for 3 months commenting on the size of my chest or saying its the only place I've lost weight. He makes so many rude comments and does rude things. Like walking into my closed room while I'm working out and standing there laughing. And poor bf's sister woke up with him sitting next to her bed last week just hanging out in her room... at 3 am. I think he could use some harshness. However, it is TOM so maybe I was just being bratty.




SLIMMERKIWI
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11/18/12 5:23 P

It was this further post by the original poster about going into her closed bedroom and hanging out in the bf's sister's room at 3 a.m. that lead me to make my comment earlier that it SOUNDS like he could have a drug or mental health issue. Going into the room of another at that time of morning watching them sleep is NOT normal behavior even for the socially inept. This is why I said to be careful.

Kris



CHESAPEAKE60
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11/18/12 4:12 P

No one is taking anything out of context. If you read whole thread the OP came back and posted this additional information:
_____________
Maybe it was harsh but I don't want some guy I've known for 3 months commenting on the size of my chest or saying its the only place I've lost weight. He makes so many rude comments and does rude things. Like walking into my closed room while I'm working out and standing there laughing. And poor bf's sister woke up with him sitting next to her bed last week just hanging out in her room... at 3 am. I think he could use some harshness. However, it is TOM so maybe I was just being bratty.
______________

Sorry, but this is not just awkward behavior!!!!



SURVIVOR61
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11/18/12 2:32 P

LB1369
Maybe it is just Toms way. Have you tried explaining to Tom that right now you want to be healthy and really could use all the support you could get. And just maybe you and your boyfriend could explain that you are a little sensitive about your body image and would appreciate that he keep his opinions "no matter, how well intended they may be" to himself right now. And perhaps, just perhaps if all the room mates feel as you do that there are boundary issues being violated, that everyone sit down and come up with some house rules. But remember what is good for one applies for everyone.
And last but not least, maybe Tom is just a lonely guy is seeking out companionship the only way he know how. Try fixing Tom up with a friend. You didn't mention if he had a girlfriend. Enlist the other roommates help. Try helping him fit in, supple suggestions like Dude that's not cool, when it's just the two of you. Or hey man don't do sh-- like that. People don't dig it. Or whatever the lingo is now. Maybe he just needs a ear to bend. I don't know. But I do know if you don't talk to each other, then it is definitely a failure to communicate on your part.



SURVIVOR61
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11/18/12 2:04 P

NOW PLEASE READ THE STORY AND NOT TAKE IT OUT OF CONTEXT!

So I live with 2 guys and 2 other girls in a house. One of the guys is my boyfriend. The other is sort of an awkward jerk. I say that mostly because I am still seeing red. See the following story:

My bf's sister and I were watching some mtv show that had a gymnast, and we were talking about how gymnasts and dancers can have serious eating issues but the one on tv looked a little larger that other gymnasts (still very small though) Anyway, he says "I knew a gymnast and she had a body more like yours" looking at me. I asked him what that meant and he said she was a pretty big girl. Then he 'recovered' and said, and I quote, "You've gotten smaller though. At least your chest has. Its weird that you women always seem to loose weight there first." I just stared at him and then told him to get the f*** out and he left the house.

Now this guy is kind of weird socially, but how dumb can you be? I have lost about 60 pound. And I have gone from a DD to a C cup, but it is rude to comment on that. Plus I have lost 4 sizes. I was pretty close to punching him. See if my kickboxing workout has been doing any good. Anyway, had to vent. bf's sister and I are really close, and after he left, spent some time venting to each other. He says weird rude stuff to her too, so either he is just that socially clueless, which I find hard to believe, or he is one of those guys who tries to pick up/ interact with women by lowering their self esteem, which is scummy.




SURVIVOR61
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11/18/12 2:01 P

First of go back and read the orignal comment. She never said that he came in and watched her sleep. I had to go back and read the original comment, myself and she said that he was socially awkward. And that was my point, the comment about the chest wasn't that big of a deal. Most men look at our boobs ladies, get over it. He may have found that her best asset, and just thought that it was a shame that that was sad that when most women loose weight, that is uaually the first place where we loose it. After all, that is all the poor guy said that upset her. He wasn't trying to hurt her intentionally.

Edited by: SURVIVOR61 at: 11/18/2012 (14:04)


CHESAPEAKE60
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11/18/12 5:50 A

It is NOT socially awkward to go into someone's room while they are sleeping and sit/stand whatever watching them. And it is not socially awkward to walk into someone's bedroom when the door is closed without knocking or being invited in! That is way beyond awkward. That is just creepy and unacceptable!!! The comment about my chest would have been the very least of my concerns.......



AUBREY_25_99
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11/18/12 12:45 A

People who have never had to struggle with their weight have no idea how much comments like that hurt.



SURVIVOR61
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11/17/12 4:08 P

Ladies, please....He sounds like a dumb guy. A bit socially awkward maybe. But, I don't think he meant any malice. And as old as I am with a 40 DDD, that is not the worst comment I've ever heard. Some guys just can't help themselves, especially with so many women putting the focus on breast implants the bigger the better. I myself would like a little reduction. And some guys just look, some secrectly look others ogle you. The oglers I can't stand especially when it's other women. And when they have to ask "are they real". I just say get life. To me mine don't look that big, I think it's mostly my weight, but even when I was slim, I was a 40 DD and had a female co worker ask my size. After I told her, I asked her why she wanted to know. She informed me she won a bet among the males on how big my boobs were. Lol I just took it all in stride.

Edited by: SURVIVOR61 at: 11/17/2012 (16:22)


CHRISTINASP
Posts: 1,856
11/17/12 1:32 P

I would think about moving out or getting that guy to move out.



CICELY360
Posts: 2,637
11/17/12 10:15 A

Since you don't really know where the comments came from, ignore them. If he keeps making negative comments, tell him about it since you live in the same house.



MAYBER
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11/16/12 8:42 P

At times you have to consider the source of the comments and have empathy
Or you can just let it go in one ear and out the other
Be the first to laugh at yourself
One day at a time




NIKKIG3
Posts: 1,443
11/16/12 3:02 P

LOL... that guy was a dumb jerk. You should have found out if your kickboxing class works. His actions just proves that he noticed you and he probably likes you but in order to seem like the opposite he said that stupid comment.

Sounds like a middle school "I like you" but I cant let you find out comment. He needs to grow up!



BRAVELUTE
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11/15/12 1:08 P

You might ask "How's that behavior workin for ya?

Inquiring minds want to know.



LILLIPUTIANNA
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11/15/12 12:54 P

"When it comes to men and women communicating, the following is all too true,"Men are from Mars and women are from Venus". The fact is, many men aren't exactly noted for having tact. Many do speak before they think."

Let's be honest now. Women are capable of making the most tactless or vicious comments about other women's appearances. Boys don't get excused simply because they are boys. Being rude is being rude. Commenting on someone's body, when you hardly know them, isn't okay.

From the further discussion of this particular guy and his other behaviors, it's pretty clear that he isn't just "shy." He has some serious personal boundary issues and shouldn't be indulged. Keep a close eye on him.

Edited by: LILLIPUTIANNA at: 11/15/2012 (12:55)


ANNE007
Posts: 153
11/15/12 9:43 A

Don't you just hate those random comments that hit home? Even from a socially awkward person, it can be frustrating! And when you don't like the person to begin with it's difficult to let it go rather than add it to the pile of things you already don't like about him :-)

I agree with the other posters that his comments, along with his behavior letting himself in your room and your room mate's room, are way too much. He may be socially awkward and he may have a reason for it, such as asperger's syndrome which is characterized by social awkwardness. Or he may simply be strange, which is a bit frightening.

My suggestion is to think through a rational conversation you and your female room mate would like to have with him regarding what behavior expected when opposite sex room mates live together. Then decide whether the conversation should be exclusive to the three of you or perhaps you can get everyone together who lives there. If you have everyone there, you have proof the discussion took place and this guy won't feel as if you're attacking him (I know, right now you probably don't care, but it's important to start out assuming he just doesn't know).

Before the conversation takes place, center yourself. Be clear to your self on what results you want: to discuss acceptable behavior (have examples) and the expectation that it be followed.

Resist the urge to list all of his past unsuccessful behavior. Instead, try having a bullet list of high level acceptable behavior, maybe like this:

- privacy in bedrooms and bathrooms is expected. If a door is closed, knock. Do not enter someone elses bedroom or bathroom without an invitation.

Keep your list simple and clear. Not too many items and very high level. Post it somewhere if you think it might help.

If there are future transgressions, treat this guy like a child, remind him of the list, explained what he did that doesn't fit and ask that he not do that again in the future.

If you find this doesn't stop the behavior, either move or ask him to move. You have a legitimate issue and you have done your best to resolve it. You have potentially helped him with his social awkwardness or shined the light on him as some type of pervert.

I'm sorry you're going through this. The part about centering yourself is very important. Although his behavior would anger many people, you may want to spend some time being honest with yourself about why it angers **you**. What buttons is he pushing? This realization is where we all have room to grow.



CHESAPEAKE60
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11/15/12 7:32 A

I am sorry but "awkward" is not the right word for someone who goes into the closed bedroom of someone of the opposite sex (or even same sex) without knocking and waiting to be invited in! I would NOT be living with someone who does these things....... He would be moving or I would be moving.



FREEBASS
Posts: 380
11/15/12 7:16 A

First of all, I'd like to congratulate you on your success in getting healthy and in shape!!! How wonderful to be young and not waste time in a body that you cannot be happy in.

While that boy's comments hurt your feelings, you note that he's a bit awkward. It may be that his social awkwardness is something he's not completely aware of, and his comments may not have been intentional. Sometimes people with various forms of autism can say and do things that they don't realize can be hurtful.

You know you've done an amazing job, and apparently so have the majority of the people around you. Keep up the great work!



ADZY86
Posts: 1,139
11/15/12 5:25 A

Just reading your first post alone I thought you overreacted a little, but I knew there had to be more to it, so when you explained more of his weird behaviours, it kinda made sense that you were so harsh. Maybe, like someone else said, it's time to say something to him and tell him that you're feeling uncomfortable. Not to the same extent, but I've come across some guys who I think are socially awkward, but in reality they are just really shy and trying to hard to fit in that they over-compensate and behave like oddballs.

Hope you're able to work it out. Please don't be offended by his comments: men take forever to properly notice weight loss anyway, especially when a lot of them only focus on what our boobs and butt look like! Congrats on the weight loss so far! Amazing



BUTTERFLYLOST
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11/14/12 3:16 P

Sounds like he is miserable and has to make other people feel bad to bring them down to his level. Tell him to go look in the mirror and judge himself before other people. My best tool for that kind of behavior is to kill them for kindess. If they don't think it bugs you they will usually stop trying.



ARCHIMEDESII
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11/14/12 11:53 A

LB1369,

When it comes to men and women communicating, the following is all too true,"Men are from Mars and women are from Venus". The fact is, many men aren't exactly noted for having tact. Many do speak before they think. And I've found that women can be very sensitive when it comes to their weight. I think we've all experienced those feelings. So, if this guy is socially awkward, I wouldn't take his comments so personally.

Mind you, he's already forgotten about the incident and you're still skewing about it. Let it go. it was nothing more than a minor gaff on his part. Like you said, socially awkward.








LUANN_IN_PA
Posts: 15,872
11/14/12 11:44 A

It is a shame he was banished instead of talked to.
Sounds like it could have been a great teaching experience on appropriate comments, especially since you ARE living with him (not a total stranger!).

Edited by: LUANN_IN_PA at: 11/14/2012 (11:44)


TURTLESDOVE
Posts: 1,061
11/14/12 11:27 A

this guy is a total jerk. I have one of those at my job. After several different techniques to deal with him, I found one that works. First of all, ignoring doesn't work, it only makes him try harder to annoy you. Getting mad doesn't work, it only makes him happy because that's his goal to bring you down, so he doesn't feel so bad about his misfortunes. The thing that works for me is, regardless if you are big, small, just right, or whatever, play along with him. In other words, kinda make fun of yourself. For example, if he says something about a certain body part, just say, "yeah I know, I look like ---------" Something like that. Does that make sense? Just trying to help.



GINA180847
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11/14/12 9:43 A

He was inappropriate but shy guys often are. You were a little bit hasty but being a girl is a tough job. I wish it were true that I would lose weight in the chest. Have lost weight but not there.



CHEETARA79
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11/14/12 8:37 A

He sucks... But if you look at it from another perspective, he said you have the body of a gymnast! That's not bad at all.



SLIMMERKIWI
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11/14/12 5:33 A

THAT would creep me out :-( I wonder if he does drugs or has some mental health issue (walking into your room while working out, and the 3 a.m. stuff) Be careful!

Kris



LB1369
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11/14/12 5:29 A

Maybe it was harsh but I don't want some guy I've known for 3 months commenting on the size of my chest or saying its the only place I've lost weight. He makes so many rude comments and does rude things. Like walking into my closed room while I'm working out and standing there laughing. And poor bf's sister woke up with him sitting next to her bed last week just hanging out in her room... at 3 am. I think he could use some harshness. However, it is TOM so maybe I was just being bratty.





SLIMMERKIWI
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11/14/12 5:27 A

I don't know that I would have taken it like that but it wasn't really the done thing on his part. That sort of talk is more man/man not man/woman.

I wonder if that guy might feel a bit awkward himself which causes him to blurt out inappropriate stuff. Maybe when you have cooled down a bit you might be able to have a balanced conversation where you can share with him that you feel rather uncomfortable when he talks like that. Make sure that if you do have this conversation, that you don't raise your voice and don't become accusatory because it could turn into a slanging match which definitely won't help to ease tensions.

Kris



ZORBS13
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11/14/12 5:17 A

That was a little harsh on your part.

Yeah, the comment was a little random, but it is absolutely true. Women do tend to lose weight where they don't want to (chest).



LB1369
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11/14/12 5:09 A

So I live with 2 guys and 2 other girls in a house. One of the guys is my boyfriend. The other is sort of an awkward jerk. I say that mostly because I am still seeing red. See the following story:

My bf's sister and I were watching some mtv show that had a gymnast, and we were talking about how gymnasts and dancers can have serious eating issues but the one on tv looked a little larger that other gymnasts (still very small though) Anyway, he says "I knew a gymnast and she had a body more like yours" looking at me. I asked him what that meant and he said she was a pretty big girl. Then he 'recovered' and said, and I quote, "You've gotten smaller though. At least your chest has. Its weird that you women always seem to loose weight there first." I just stared at him and then told him to get the f*** out and he left the house.

Now this guy is kind of weird socially, but how dumb can you be? I have lost about 60 pound. And I have gone from a DD to a C cup, but it is rude to comment on that. Plus I have lost 4 sizes. I was pretty close to punching him. See if my kickboxing workout has been doing any good. Anyway, had to vent. bf's sister and I are really close, and after he left, spent some time venting to each other. He says weird rude stuff to her too, so either he is just that socially clueless, which I find hard to believe, or he is one of those guys who tries to pick up/ interact with women by lowering their self esteem, which is scummy.

Sorry for the long rambling vent.

Edited by: LB1369 at: 11/14/2012 (05:10)


 
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