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3/19/13 12:37 P

Wanna clarify something about the body positive thing...

I wasn't meaning to dismiss or insult the actual movement. Because for the most part it's pretty inclusive to everyone. To people who are fat, thin, tall, short, able-bodied, disabled, with skin matter what race or religion a person is a part of. When I see submissions on the blogs that focus on the actual act of loving your body, that's perfectly fine. I don't mind if it's a thin person or fat person because behind the look of their body, there's a whole story that no one knows but them.

I huge misconception about body positivity is that people are saying that you shouldn't be healthy and that's just not the case. People see the space where a fat body is able to reside in without scrutiny or ridicule and they think that something must be wrong if you're not advising that the fat person lose weight. But it's also an incorrect assumption that the fat person isn't healthy too. People too often mistake their personal experience as the gospel truth. That if they were fat and unhealthy that must mean that every fat person is unhealthy too and the key to being healthy is to change the shape of their body. There are plenty of people who are fat and exercise or fat and eat healthily, but their body doesn't change its shape but their internal health according to their doctors is very good. I suppose people might see them as "an exception" or "an anomaly" but I don't think that's true. I think they just found that genetically their body just isn't wired to be thin but that doesn't mean that they can't be healthy or that they can't play sports, dance, exercise or keep up with the best of 'em.

That being said, what I was meaning to say was that it's tough seeing those blogs receive hate. I can't block all of it out. I have filters on tumblr where I can block out some keywords like "thinspo", "fitspo" and the like but I can't block it all. There aren't enough tags to do so. Not to mention that the admin of one blog purposefully goes out and confronts people who post hateful messages about fat people. Its tough watching her (a girl recovering from anorexia) being told that maybe she should go back to her eating disorder if it'll help her lose weight...that it's good for fat people to have eating disorders 'cause it's better for us than being fat. It's tough hearing stories about fat people trying to work out and being told that they're "disgusting" when they're doing better than the thin people. And even worse, it's tough hearing this girl have to say over and over again that she can't speak for fat people because she's not fat enough. I absolutely get the concept of privilege. White people institutionally have more privilege than black people. Men have more than women. Straight people have more that LGBT people. Thin people have more than fat people. But it gets people nowhere to keep subdividing people and subdividing people and subdividing people. We'll never get anywhere if we keep trying to divide everyone. I thought the point was trying to bring people together...

I think her opinion and her experience are enough, but because she isn't a size 32 or anything she constantly has to say that she cannot truly speak to the experience of fat people. I really hate seeing her have to be seemingly apologetic about that...

Anyways back on topic...

"Try not to compare yourself to your brother. Your brother is different, different set of DNA, different body."

No kidding...

I'm adopted. I don't have any of their DNA anyways. My mom realizes that my brother takes after her brother. Apparently he was very thin when he was younger too. He still is though except he does have a stomach though. My mom thinks that's how my brother's gonna look when he gets older too. So she realize that when he's older and his metabolism slows he's probably gonna gain weight, but with him...she just doesn't care. As long as he's thin now, it's okay...

"Altho' what happened re that letter was a few years ago, a lot of adults have the wrong impression about Depression/Stress/Anxiety, and don't understand that even young children can suffer from it. You don't NEED a reason to be Depressed. Trauma can cause it. It could be the lack of Vitamin D - often because of reduced sunlight hours. There are a number of reasons/causes for it. It can boil down to the lack of 'feel good' chemicals in your brain. Long-term chronic pain/illness can cause it. It can be because of medical conditions - Hypothyroidism; PCOS or Diabetes to name only some. (Have you been checked for any of these? If not, it would be a good idea to make an appointment with your Dr and ask to be checked for them) and also make sure that you talk to him/her about what has been going on."

I've been checked for diabetes since I was like...7 so I know I don't have it. I also was checked for some kind of thyroid deal (don't remember what it was) and I remember them saying it was normal. Haven't been checked for PCOS though.

I'm supposed to making a doctor's appointment anyways. I just...haven't done it yet...

JENSTRESS Posts: 5,403
3/19/13 10:40 A

First, I think everyone was very helpful with their comments.

I want to address the "fat acceptance" and "body image" people. First, YES, accept yourself as you are, be confident and happy. However, this SHOULD NOT (in my opinion) mean that you shouldn't strive to be healthy. There is a difference.

I'm mostly happy. I'm pretty confident. I know it will go up as I lose, but I am not expecting a magical cure all for my problems. It just doesn't work that way. Like another poster said, there will still be people who criticize you at any weight.

I wouldn't worry about your size. You quite possibly are not meant (genetically) to be a size 2 or 4. However, you should strive to eat HEALTHY and not skip eating.

I definitely agree that going to a dietitian could help. She could give you information on how to eat better, and not eat bad for you foods. Obviously all in moderation.

I feel for you with your parents. I don't even live with mine, and they do similar things to make me feel bad, so, maybe a therapist would be helpful. I didn't ever go, but I learned that unfortunately, my mom tends to see a lot of herself in me, and thinks that I should live her dreams, and I guess my size is one of them. My father just has a view of what beauty is, and I don't fit that. I know that when I lose the weight that I want, my family will be more accepting. However, the only family I need that with is my own. My beautiful and supportive husband, my daughters. THEY are the most important.

I guess what I say is accept yourself as you are, but strive to be the best you that you can be.

NIRERIN Posts: 14,249
3/19/13 8:44 A

there isn't one great big list of healthy foods that everyone agrees on. there are some things that tend to make everyone's list [like broccoli], things that everyone knows aren't so great for you [like twinkies] and then there is the rest of the edible things in that planet that everyone argues about how good for you they are.

as far as eating two bananas a day goes, this is where i stand. the point of having 3-5 servings of fruit a day is to get in various nutrients that your body needs. in general, different colored fruits have different nutrients and that's why eating a variety of fruits and vegetables is best. now most bananas i have encountered tend to be about 1-2 servings of fruit, thus making 2-4 servings of fruit if you're eating two bananas a day. from a variety standpoint that means that you're only getting the nutrients that come in bananas because you can pretty much check off your fruit requirements with those two, and that's a little less than ideal if we're talking about an everyday thing. if it's once every other week or less it's hardly worth bothering about. but that being said, if you're getting other fruits in for your fruits and you're essentially wanting a snack and having a banana instead of chips, then that is actually a good substitution to be making [because you're replacing with something that is better and can contribute nutritionally to your diet]. though do keep in the back of your head that there isn't any one food that is so good for you that that is all you should eat, which is why having a variety is important.

i'll also chime in on the therapist idea. yes, you'll have to open up and, yes, you'll have to find a good one. but part of what therapists do is to arm you with the tools to help you sort out and deal with the stuff that seems to be overwhelming you. a lot of what you're feeling everyone goes through at some point or another. but based on what you're saying it seems like you aren't really hitting that point where you start to fix and address the issues. and some of the behaviors you're using can also be steps to larger issues. i'm not saying exclusively steps to larger issues, but some of them are part of the path to larger problems. and a therapist can help you prioritize what you need to focus on and make those steps just random ones on your path as opposed to part of something larger.

i'll also say that there isn't any one meal choice, one snack choice, one food choice, that is an end all, be all decision. most people eat at least 547,500 calories a year, and most people burn and eat more than that. can you think of any one food eating opportunity that would put you anywhere near there? i can't. so it's not about each individual choice, it's about the whole trend overall. which is why one small decision shouldn't make or break it. pick one and evaluate the whole at the end of the day. if something sticks out, find a way to eat less of it or another alternative.

NAUSIKAA Posts: 4,848
3/19/13 8:25 A

Now, about your parents: because they're our parents, we have a natural tendency to normalize their behavior.

Let me just ask you this question: What is the likelihood that somewhere out there, there is an adult woman who has a bizarre and pathological need to control and influence her adult daughter's eating habits, who thinks it's appropriate to criticize her daughter's weight and physical appearance, and who insists on her right to do this because she's the woman's mother? Obviously, the likelihood is 100%. There are plenty of women like this, unfortunately. Some of them have eating disorders, some of them just have trouble letting their daughters live their own adult lives. It sucks, but it looks like your mother falls into this category.

Her behavior towards you is *abnormal*, *unhealthy*, and *unwarranted.*

That means you:

1) can ignore it
2) should not accept it as true or accurately reflecting reality
3) can mumble a prayer that she gets herself some therapy at some point down the line
4) are not to blame for any of it.

Your mother's behavior is *not your fault*, *not your problem*, and *not reflective of your reality.*

Your father - likewise.

Your family DOES have the right to "chime in" with their opinions. You have the right to ignore them completely. Try not to compare yourself to your brother. Your brother is different, different set of DNA, different body. Not your problem. Sure it would be great if he didn't eat stuff that will clog his arteries and cause his heart to explode BUT he knows it's bad for him and does it anyway, and again, it's not your problem. Again, mumble a prayer that he wisens up at some point and starts to undo the damage to his body before it's too late.

NAUSIKAA Posts: 4,848
3/19/13 8:17 A

I'm going to reply in more than one post because you bring up different issues in different posts and I don't want to get off track.

First of all, your story and mine are very very similar. I had severe gall bladder disease that went undiagnosed for over 3 years because although I had a very advanced case (dozens of gallstones, massive internal infection), my symptoms were "atypical" - I had mainly cardiac symptoms like arrhythmias; and constant nausea. I was diagnosed with panic disorder and my gall bladder attacks were diagnosed as panic attacks. This went on until I almost died but thankfully I moved to a different country where I had no medical records (full of "patient has severe anxiety about health") and the doctors diagnosed me within 10 minutes of my first visit.

I actually lost all my weight during my gall bladder disease years and I DID enjoy the benefits of being thin that you mention. People who hadn't seen me recently were shocked by my appearance (in a good way), I was showered with compliments and practically heroized by some people. Other people made jealous mean-spirited remarks about how I was anorexic or just going to gain it back. I bought great clothes and I had massive self-confidence and high self-esteem for the first time in my life. I became outgoing and made friends easily. I met my husband and we fell in love and with my new-found confidence I didn't push him away as I had past relationships. Everything was AWESOME. Except I felt like total and complete POOP all the time and was popping anti-nausea pills sometimes 4x/day just to maintain a baseline of functionality.

After my gall bladder came out, I started gaining weight because my digestive system started functioning again and because I wasn't nauseated all the time so I could finally eat more than a few calories/day.

Of course now I was married and everything was grand and I let myself go and eventually gained back 50 of the 100 lbs I had lost. I really do understand a LOT of what you've written.

Now having established that... the body positive movement is like any other. It's exclusivity is what generates the feeling of inclusivity for those who are part of it. It's largely made up of people who feel put-upon, who have struggled with self esteem and self worth their whole lives, and who mistake striking out against others as standing up for themselves. It can be a strange environment because it adopts ideas like "healthy at any size" but then belittles people's natural inclination to better their situation and their health by suggesting that fighting against your "natural size" is akin to hating yourself; and the only right way is to love and accept yourself as you are. Not recognizing that most of us actually believe in personal growth and gradually growing into better versions of ourselves over time, otherwise, what's the point really?

Personally I had the worst health of my life when I was at my lowest weight, and in large part because I lost weight (weight loss was the cause of my gall bladder disease). I lost weight in order to look better, not to get healthy - or I would have stopped. Not sure what the body positive people would say about that, but that was why I did it. Now my motivation is to be better at a particular sport that I do - not to be healthier. My health sucks, for multiple reasons that are unrelated to my weight, losing weight will not help. I want to do my sport better and I want to look better and those things WILL HAPPEN when I lose weight. But I still won't be healthy.

Body positive is, of course, just fine. The problem is that it's very hard to achieve when you get a group of people together who have decided that they want to go out there and be body positive. It just doesn't work well that way in my opinion. On an individual basis you can do it -- focusing on what's so great about your body -- I like to put the focus on all the amazing things my body does and can do just as it is today. But once you start talking to other people, it develops into something like an "us vs. them" vibe which does no one any good. I'm sure there are plenty of great body positive groups but it sounds like you haven't really found those. I find athletes and sports groups more body positive (though they are NOT all that way) than the fat acceptance side but whatever works.

Edited by: NAUSIKAA at: 3/19/2013 (08:36)
MISSRUTH Posts: 4,267
3/19/13 6:35 A

Wow, I am so sorry to hear of your situation-- it just sounds so tough....

I really totally agree on trying to get a referral to a registered dietician. It would help you, on how to choose foods and plan 3 meals a day. And also give you some "ammo" for dealing with your mom. A registered dietician is an educated, trained medical professional specializing in diet & nutrition. I think it would be a lot harder for her to argue that you can't eat 2 bananas in the same day, if the dietician says it's okay to do so. *Might* not hurt if she could go with you to the dietician, and you specifically ask questions like that. But don't invite her along if you think it would do more harm than good. (Like you think she might "take over" the appointment.) Since you live at home & your mom is doing the grocery shopping, going along with you might help her make some changes in the types of food she buys or cooks.

Unfortunately even though most parents would say that ultimately what they want for their kids, is to be happy-- sometimes what they think constitutes happiness is not what the kids want. It takes a lot of guts for a parent to stand back and not try to keep steering the ship; they're afraid that their kids won't be happy or successful enough or whatever. So they keep intervening.

I say this because I've got 2 grown kids and it was very hard at times to let them pick and choose their own way. It's easier when the kids don't live at home; somehow it seems when the kids are still at home, it gives some parents an extra excuse or something, for trying to remain in control. Doesn't make it right though; just sayin'.

Counselling could help, but only if you can open up enough to talk about the issues. Many college campuses have counselors and it's free if you're a student (not sure if you're still in school). Or a referral from your doctor to a counselor who deals with body image issues and eating disorders. One meal a day isn't enough; skipping eating because it's easier to not eat, than choose what to eat, isn't good for you.

I understand what you're talking about, with trying to make choices with food. An apple is a good choice, for example. But some people/websites would say, well if it's not organic it's not good. Whole grains are good choices. Again though some people would say, well wheat is just plain bad. Lean meat is a good choice; but some people would say it has to be grass-fed or free range or something else or it's not good enough.

I had to finally decide for myself that while an organic apple may indeed be better (no pesticides), I'm okay with the decision that for me, any apple is a better choice nutritionally than say, some random candy bar or half a bag of chips for snack. I have no sensitivities to wheat and I like bread and pasta and crackers. So I'm going to include whole wheat no matter what the paleo people say. I've taken a "middle of the road" approach for myself. I cook from scratch most of the time but occasionally include packaged foods, white flour, sugar, etc. My diet may very well not be the *healthiest* on the planet, but it is far from *bad*. And for me, that is good enough.

So I think a dietician can help you find the place that is "enough" for you.

SLIMMERKIWI SparkPoints: (246,897)
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3/19/13 5:28 A

It sounds like you are a bit torn between a rock and a hard place.

Your father sounds like he isn't beyond using emotional blackmail, but probably doesn't even realize it. I am really sorry to hear that he is facing cancer and can understand that it can be really difficult to deal with emotionally, but even then it doesn't give him a right to use the cancer in that way. Some people tend to turn the discussions to make it about them. Perhaps if you remain polite and firm and say something like "I know that you have cancer and you are worried about it, and about us, but I really need this conversation to be about MY needs at this time. We can talk about yours ....(cancer or whatever he has brought up) after!"

A lot of people use the argument "because I am older than you, I am wiser!" Well, it doesn't necessarily pan out that way. Sure, we have lived longer, and odds are we have seen and heard a lot more, but the reality is that unless we have actually LEARNED from what we have seen/experienced, then we aren't any wiser at all!

Do you have an Aunt or Uncle close by who you can talk to about this, and perhaps ask that they intercede on your behalf? Or, do you parents go to Church? If so, their Pastor might be able to come to your assistance and talk with them.

Altho' what happened re that letter was a few years ago, a lot of adults have the wrong impression about Depression/Stress/Anxiety, and don't understand that even young children can suffer from it. You don't NEED a reason to be Depressed. Trauma can cause it. It could be the lack of Vitamin D - often because of reduced sunlight hours. There are a number of reasons/causes for it. It can boil down to the lack of 'feel good' chemicals in your brain. Long-term chronic pain/illness can cause it. It can be because of medical conditions - Hypothyroidism; PCOS or Diabetes to name only some. (Have you been checked for any of these? If not, it would be a good idea to make an appointment with your Dr and ask to be checked for them) and also make sure that you talk to him/her about what has been going on.

Hugs are getting BIGGER by the minute :-)
Kris xxx

3/19/13 3:28 A

I've tried that with my mom before. A few years ago in my first year of college, I wrote my mom a letter trying to explain how I felt. It was more about how stressed I was feeling and had a lot more about career uncertainty and stress and the like in there. I'm not that good with actually verbalizing my feelings so I figured writing the letter would be just as good. She didn't even get in a full paragraph before telling me that I was "just a student" so I "didn't have anything to be stressed about" because you students...totally aren't allowed to be stressed about picking one thing and making that the job you have for the rest of your life. Yeah, totally no reason to be stressed there...

She doesn't remember that, but I do so I'm still wary about trusting her with my feelings. But I have tried talking to her about some things but usually I'm just met with "Well I can say whatever I want" or some variation on that statement. She knows what she says hurts my feelings, but I don't think she cares enough to want to change it. Even when she apologizes it doesn't feel like an apology. I think she feels entitled to say whatever she wants to say to me because this is "her house" and to her I'm just a "guest" in "her house" (since I'm over 18 after all).

With my dad it's different. It's harder to talk to him not only because he's far more stubborn than anyone else in the house but because he often brings up his health issues in conversation. Like if he wants to talk about how he's supportive of my career goals he also ties in that he's older and he's fighting through cancer and he just wants to make sure that I'm okay. It's kinda hard to try to argue feelings when you know...cancer is part of the conversation...I just end up feeling like I don't want to disappoint him.

I wouldn't try talking to them together 'cause they would just end up fighting and blaming each other for everything and not listen to me anyways...

SLIMMERKIWI SparkPoints: (246,897)
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3/19/13 3:13 A

Are you able to talk with your parents individually, or together, and tell them how you feel when they keep pointing out all your negatives? It might be helpful, because they may not realize. Don't say things like

"You make me feel. ....", but rather "When this sort of thing is said, *I* feel sad" ......... or "I feel hurt", etc. etc.

It also wouldn't hurt to remind them that it is possible that what they dream for for you, may not actually be YOUR dream for you!

It is worth a try. IF that doesn't work, do you have a friend or is there are friend of your parent's who can talk to them for you?

BIG hugs
Kris xx

3/19/13 2:56 A

I guess in this area what they say could be considered emotional abuse...Just in this regard though. If no one's focused on what I'm eating or my weight, we're generally okay.

I don't have enough money to move out. I'd like to. I've been looking for jobs, applying to some...I've only gotten one interview so far and the little art commissions I take don't bring in a lot nor do I get a lot of them anyways. I'm kinda stuck here for now.

SLIMMERKIWI SparkPoints: (246,897)
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3/19/13 2:14 A

You know what I call what is happening with your family in regard to you????

There is a book which I suggest you read - you can either get it out of the Library or buy it from Amazon! It is called
by Cloud & Towsend
Below is a link for you:

This book teaches you how to say 'yes' and when to say 'no'! Many members on the Dealing with Depression Team have used this and swear by it!!

Others have no right to belittle someone even if they are family and do it with so-called good intentions.

Are you able to move out and find somewhere where you will be supported emotionally? The negative atmosphere is NOT good for a person's emotional health, and that in turn can lead to negative physical health.

It sounds like you really could do with the help of a Therapist!!

Hang in there sweet!
Kris xxx

3/19/13 2:05 A

Really all my family likes to "chime in" on what I should or shouldn't be eating. My brother who's always been slim can get away with eating anything. He came home with 4 big macs (2 of which he ate that night) and yet I'm the one who gets harped on for "eating too much". But he's "allowed to" because he's skinny and works out. So apparently it's okay for him to eat badly but if I do I have to get criticized for it...

My mom always likes to say you can only have one of something a day even if that something is a yogurt or some types of fruit...things that are typically "good for you". So not only do a get harped on for eating stereotypically "bad" foods, I get harped on for eating stereotypically "good" foods too. So then when I don't eat I get harped on for that too. So then it's like...what am I supposed to eat? You complain when I try to eat healthy, complain when I eat "badly", complain/feign concern (at least that's how I see it) when I don't eat...not to mention I don't have money and unless I'm not at home I don't buy the food in the house. What do you want from me? I just don't get it...

My dad can't be left out the equation either. He's more focused on how I physically look rather than my actual heath. My mom likes to put the health spin on things. My dad has pointed to one of my friends I had in middle school who was bigger than me and asked me if I wanted to "look like her". He's always one to harp on other women's appearances and thinks that I should focus more on my looks. Whether it's my weight or my hair or scars or what-have-you. He wants me to buy new clothes to sell art at a cartoon animal convention for god's sake. Not to mention that he thinks if I were thinner I would look "more professional". I'm selling cartoon animal art and little cutesy costume pieces...not some crazy Picasso mess. I think I can look a little me and not some boring businesswoman.

I probably should talk to a therapist or something...I mean I should talk to a therapist about a lot of things and this is one of the multitude of things wrong with me...I dunno...I had trouble talking to a therapist before. I'm still not sure I would be any good at opening up. There's something about talking to a person face to face about my issues that makes it harder for me to actually talk about them...I know I should...I just feel really uncomfortable doing it...

SLIMMERKIWI SparkPoints: (246,897)
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3/19/13 12:59 A

WOW - WHAT a post, and I certainly don't mean that in a negative way!!

I think that there could be one of a couple things going on here. One is that there is a lot of focus on food, which in itself isn't bad, but I think that the focus has gotten to be more than 'normal'. Having your mother chiming in like she does may not be very helpful in the long run, either, regardless of how well intentioned.

I think that you would benefit from talking with your Dr and asking for a referral to registered Dietitian to help you according to your needs. It is quite possible that he/she may be able to ease your mind and steer you in the right direction taking your health issues into account.

The other thing that came to mind is that if you find you are still obsessed or are having issues still, then perhaps asking for a referral to Therapist who deals with your issues. It may be that a few sessions would do wonders for you!

Good luck,

3/18/13 10:19 P

I figured this was a better section than the motivation on to post in so here goes nothing.

I suppose I should start with the gallbladder issues I had in 2011. Because of the pain I would get (at first it was occasional, but by the end of the year it was happening on nearly a weekly basis), I started trying various precautions to avoid the pain. Because my parents and doctors thought it was just acid reflux at first I cut out a lot of foods in my diet as well as started taking Prevacid to combat it. I cut out everything acidic, fatty, spicy (which wasn't that difficult anyways...) and sweet (which was totally difficult) just to make sure I wouldn't be awoken in the middle of the night with terrible chest pain. I worked to a degree. It didn't stop the pain from happening. It just stopped it from happening as frequently (at first).

Eventually (due to pressure from my dad who had to throw around his clout as a doctor to get doctors to actually do their job right; he'd figured out it was a gallstone by this point) doctors finally figured out it was a gallstone and I had my gallbladder removed 3 days before Christmas that year.

However because of all the purposeful and slightly necessary dietary changes I made during that year I'd somehow lost 60 lbs which made my mom happy. I actually never noticed I lost a pound. Afterward that year, I also got much better at listening to my body's hunger signals. But I mean...after a year of depriving myself of literally everything I liked of course I was going to eat it again. Just not as much as I did before. So I gained some weight back much to my mother's dismay. And by god she won't let me forget it either...

Also in that span of time I attempted to follow body positivity blogs and just come to peace with the fact that I'm fat and there's literally only a 5% chance that I would ever lose weight in the first place. I wanted to come to peace with it because as a nerd I want to cosplay but "good cosplayers" are nice, pretty, thin girls and muscular, handsome guys. Fat men and women, no matter how good the actual costume, are automatically "bad". I just wanted to come to peace with being fat so I can stop putting off my cosplay goals until some imaginary point in the future where I'll be "thin enough" to do it. But that plan on surrounding myself with positive messages from these blogs backfire. They can post as many positive messages as they want but I kept seeing the hate. Either through them addressing it or answering hate mail they got. And I got introduced to the notion that some fat bodies aren't "fat enough" to be part of the body positive movement. Like if you're under a size 20 or something like that you're an "inbetweenie". So 'cause of that I don't really fit in there either. Even spaces that I wanted to bring me some level of comfort in who I am right now didn't.

I get so many conflicting messages about health and body image and what not that I don't even know what to think anymore. Some people on Tumblr were really happy that I posted body positive stuff but at the same time they were so unhappy with themselves and continuously called themselves names and strives to be thinner for the same reasons as me (cosplay) that...I dunno...I just don't know what to do.

It's affected my mental health obviously but slightly more importantly, it's had a strange effect on my appetite. And by that I mean my appetite I kinda non-existent now. Over time I just kept getting so many conflicting messages about diet, health, food, etc. that I don't know what to do with it. If I ate 2 bananas in one day my mother would complain and say that's "bad for my health". On the Nerd Fitness website, the Paleo diet is hailed as the "it" thing. Over here it's...??? Counting calories, food diaries, eat more this, eat less that, this is bad, this is's all so confusing. I mean, people wanna pretend "health" is super easy and I'm sure just chasing health kinda is. But thinness/weight loss is a whole other can of worms and it seems to over-complicate the actual health bits. But I still can't let go of my fantasy of being thin. That's tough. Because my fantasy of being thin was really a fantasy about being a completely different person. That I would be outgoing, confident, and fearless. And sassy and a take-no-nonsense kinda gal. And then best of all, it was about walking in to a room of peers and then stunning everyone with how much I changed, how pretty I was, and how fashionably I became. It really had nothing to do with being thin, but somehow being thin would "help". I realize it's just a fantasy just like I have my fantasy of being a werewolf (which if possibly I would completely take over my thin fantasy...werewolves are just better), but I can't let it go...

When I go to choose foods, I do one of two things...

1) Stand there and debate the health benefits of one thing over another for a few minutes before eventually just picking something because I'm physically hungry and need food in that moment. Or...

2) Just don't eat.

Seriously. It's not that I'm not eating because I don't want to eat. Sometimes it is. But sometimes not eating is the easier option. If I don't eat then I don't have to worry about the health benefits of what I'm eating, or if eating one "bad thing" is going to ruin my day. Of course I'm physically weak when I don't eat enough, but even now I debate what's worse...being physically weak or wasting my time worrying about the food I'm eating. I really can't decide that. But I do really hate the shaky feeling I get when I have no food in my system.

I just don't know what happened over time. Not only did my appetite seemingly "disappear", but I get little to no enjoyment out of food anymore either. Even with foods I typically like. I mean...I recognize that it tastes good. I just...can't enjoy anything anymore. It's easier to eat around people though. So sometimes if I know I'm gonna be around friends, I'll just wait until then to get food and then that'll be my one meal for the day.

I just can't figure out what's wrong. I don't know what happened and I have no idea what to do.

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