Husbands are totally different creatures than wives. Their role in the marriage has changed over the decades. Just think my father wasn't even allowed in the labor room with the births of my sisters and brother and I. When my youngest brother was born, he was allowed in the labor room. I was a stay at home mom with 3 children. The roles were divided in the beginning of our marriage, but later on that line became dimmer and dimmer.
I have found that husbands only hear half of what you are saying, its not their fault, it just happens. I've found that if I would like to discuss something of importance, its best to get his full attention. I suggest that we make a date to discuss something and then I make sure that we have time to ourselves, usually after the children had gone to bed.
I always started out by telling him all the good things he does for me and the family. Then I tell him that I would like to talk about us. I would always give a positive and a negative feeling. I know this sounds like an awful lot of babying, but it isn't. I was finding it very difficult to give the bathrooms a good scrub down and I asked for his help with that, especially if people were coming to visit. Well, today I don't have to ask for his help he just does it. Men don't think like women, their emotions are more logical, they want to fix your problem instead of just listening to it. He probably didn't even hear pass your comment of "wanting to talk about your needs" That word scares them. Today's man has come a long way and if you as a wife are also working outside the home. Then you have every right to expect help with the house, kids and some appreciation for your contributing to the household budget. Just explain that you would like to work on being a better couple. I don't know the age of your children, but they do get older and will have their own lives and you two will still be a couple, and just explain you still want to be a couple and need his help for that to happen. Ask him what he misses about being a couple, you could start it off that way. I know this is long, but, I've been married over 40 years and have 3 children and 5 grandchildren and still love holding hands with my DH. take care, debbi
"If hunger is not the problem, then eating is not the solution."
"I shall shape my future. Whether I fail or succeed shall be no man's doing but my own. I am the force; I can clear any obstacle before me. OR I can be lost in the maze. MY choice. MY responsibility. Win or lose, ONLY I hold the key to my destiny."
Fitness Minutes: (2,244)
2/11/12 2:24 P
no, you might have opened his eyes a bit. Its always good to be open and express how you really feel.
2/11/12 2:12 P
No. I think guilt feelings make people (especially husbands) respond inappropriately. It is better to be honest and open from the beginning than to let things build up inside you until you explode.
Fitness Minutes: (11,311)
1,550 2/10/12 4:57 P
Nah, he may just need time to cogitate. These days the role of men in America is very confusing--they hear they have to pay the bills, do the yard work & the housework, take care of and play with the kids, and on and on. No one can do it all, all of the time.
I bet he'll come to the conclusion that he's actually flattered that you want to give and receive more in your marital relationship.
You are worth it!
Fitness Minutes: (11,189)
262 2/10/12 12:21 P
Why is it that men think that way? They think that taking care of kids (that they helped create) and bills (that they ALSO helped create) is enough for women.
I agree that he may not know how to take care of a marriage. My husband (who I love dearly) watched his dad do whatever he wanted while his mom took care of the kids and the house, and that was supposed to be enough for her. When we first got married, he thought the same thing. We'll be married eleven years the end of this month. He still don't get it. And I've explained it a million times. I doubt he ever will.
Having said that, I don't think you were being ungrateful. The marriage came before the children did. The marriage is just as important as the children. Set aside time for just the two of you to talk, watch a movie, or whatever else comes to mind.
I agree. Unless you had motives that were mean, it probably wasn't mean. Married people have to talk to each other. Talk about what works, talk about what doesn't. And each person absolutely needs different things at different times. He might think he's the best husband in the world because he does stuff with the kids, while YOUR idea of best husband in the world might be someone who does all the household chores. But the only way to know is to talk to each other about it.
Hope it all works out!
"Once we believe in ourselves, we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight, or any experience that reveals the human spirit." e. e. cummings
Alis volat propriis *Latin: She flies with (or using) her own wings
No, you were not being ungrateful (sounds like you thanked him for all that he does for the kids!). You were being realistic -- working on the marriage (the relationship that only the 2 of you share) is not the same as performing his parental duties (even if he is masterful at those!).
On the other hand, you will likely onl get (exactly) what you want if you tell him (exactly) what you want. He may have no idea how to take care of a marriage!
Good luck, I hope you can tell him what you need!
The fact that I can plant a seed and it becomes a flower, share a bit of knowledge and it becomes another's, smile at someone and receive a smile in return, are to me continual spiritual exercises.
DH and I were talking about how much he does for our family and how grateful I was. I mentioned that I needed more from him and he went off about how he does this and that with the kids...and that...and this with the kids. I thanked him for doing all of that, but taking care of our marriage is separate from taking care of the kids. He was speechless.
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