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Unsupportive Husband



 
 
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VAMACKGIRL
SparkPoints: (32,575)
Fitness Minutes: (39,912)
Posts: 1,464
1/3/13 10:17 P

My love is supportive MOST of the time, yet at times if I hit a weak moment, he becomes an enabler.....Bless His Heart!! LOL!



RTHOM28
SparkPoints: (2,254)
Fitness Minutes: (1,398)
Posts: 66
1/3/13 10:15 P

I know this to well my other half loves his junk food. I had to tell him just today to stop bringing junk food home or leave it in his car I don't want it in the house.
As long as I don't tell him its low cal he will eat it. But my main problem is his mom she always wants me to eat her garbage food we have already been in a couple arguments.
I been telling her no on her so called care packages that's mostly junk food.
as stated in other comments it's not just a guy thing.



SHARONCOATES
Posts: 330
1/3/13 9:33 P

I think you should give him some time to come around. change is not easy for anyone. Check out sparkpeople recipes.. There are so many healthy recipes (some of our family favourites that have been modified). Also, one thing I find.. I will make the meat, etc. but (on my plate) I will focus more on filling it with vegetables. The rest of the family can choose whatever portions they want, but I will make my focus more on filling my plate with healthy veggies. No one really even notices, and it works..



KJFITNESSDUDE
Posts: 15,787
1/3/13 6:27 P

huh, I didn't see anyone "dis" meatloaf. I LIKE it!



MYUTMOST4HIM
Posts: 11,447
1/3/13 10:55 A

What's wrong with meatloaf??? I plan our meals so everyone is on the same page.



SKYE60
SparkPoints: (1,377)
Fitness Minutes: (0)
Posts: 129
1/3/13 10:47 A

I began to make "family meals". Nothing special for anyone else, my rule became "eat what the cooks makes". I also make regular home cooked meals such as meatloaf and baked chicken meals and began making foods lite such as rinsing off fat from fried ground beef for use with tacos, sloppy joes, spaghetti sauce , under hot water using a collandar. Place a roast, celery, small whole onions, peeled halfed potatoes, mushrooms in a cassarole dish with about a cup and a half of water, a bay leaf for flavor, and bake, using the "gravy" au jus. A one pot meal! I add more veggies or salad as sides, and less deep fried and take out foods ..know what, it Worked! After kids and hubby made their own meals because I refused to make seperate meals for everyone-they began to eat whatever I chose to make.

Edited by: SKYE60 at: 1/3/2013 (11:01)


MANDIETERRIER1
Posts: 13,599
1/3/13 10:05 A

I got tired of the complaining. So I told my people. You can eat what I cook or you can make yourself a pbandj. They eat what I cook

This is when you get creative. And you make the meat loaf with 80/20 hamburger and low fat ground turkey (all turkey is not low fat, so check the nutrition label)

You make gravy with Cream of Mushroom soup or skim milk.

Look for some tasty recipes in the spark cookbook. Show your husband that a diet is not all starving with a shriveled up chicken breast and a bit of wilted broccoli.

Edited by: MANDIETERRIER1 at: 1/3/2013 (10:17)


KJFITNESSDUDE
Posts: 15,787
1/3/13 9:47 A

@PSCHIAVONE2: in this case the context of the word "Starve" is used to describe what the unsupportive husband (whom we assume is unable to cook for themselves) can do if they fuss about not wanting to eat what the O.P. is making for dinner.
emoticon



KKLENNERT809
Posts: 7,373
1/2/13 10:13 P

Mine isn't supportive either. He complains that I exercise and like to read..................ridiculous!!!



FITNESSFOODIE
Posts: 3,340
1/2/13 10:11 P

I'm sorry that this has happened for you, but I've also been through this situation and it's better to get the issues out on the table. You two will need to talk it out and make a plan, but I agree with the folks that said you should not punish yourself for his fears. What worked for my husband was me just making a menu for the week and preparing it as I mapped it out, no surprises for him. I wouldn't push it on him or get "too weird". Our deal was he had to try it and say what he liked and didn't like. When I make a lighter meal I don't make a big deal anymore, the portions are smaller, no butter or sauces, etc. Desserts when we have them are usually 50% fruit at least. Hubby is now a believer because his Doctor reduced his medications at his last appointment. He's lost about 20 lbs without trying too hard.

Good luck, be firm and make good tasting food! emoticon



SALLYWJ
Posts: 2
1/2/13 9:00 P

I have had the same problem with my hubs in the past. This time I am doing this for both of us - he has more health issues than I do. I am going to fix what I want, which includes food that he will eat. He can eat more than I do if he wants. If he doesn't like what I fix, he can make his own meal. He usually eats leftovers for lunch, but goes out about once a week. If he wants to go out and eat junk, so be it. Do it for yourself. Talk with him. He'll either come around or he won't, that's my theory. Either way, we need to do this for US!



FENWAYGIRL18
Posts: 5,853
1/2/13 7:02 P

I feel bad for you that you have no support from him but if he doesn't want to eat what you make that's his problem! You have to think about yourself and put yourself first!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He's an adult he can fend for himself and shame on him for not supporting you!



ON2VICTORY
SparkPoints: (47,413)
Fitness Minutes: (27,810)
Posts: 6,682
1/2/13 5:37 P

thats a tough situation because of the stereotypes of dieting. Generally the word diet automatically triggers images of deprivation, weird tasteless food that is totally out of the norm, being hungry all the time etc...

you have a tough job ahead of you.

The best thing you can do is to set the example and follow after a healthy lifestyle rather than "dieting"

It will involve alot of work on your part to make sure he has what he needs and wants while you get what you are needing. Also be mindful of the fact that dieters are infamous for their on again off again relationship with exercise, balanced eating, and commitment. He may be fully aware of the fact that he is in trouble health wise but wont commit until he knows and is confident that you will not bail on him. That may take a loooong time. Be in it for the long term.

You can also have what he is having so there isnt any of the feelings of divisiveness at the table, just be sure to keep the portions sensible and include lots of veggies etc...

It is going to be ALOT of work to turn it around and expect resistance both from yourself as you make the change and from him as well due to his own fears and insecurities.

Take it one small change at a time.

Everyone wants to be healthier and lose weight, no exceptions. If you are consistent and you start getting some results over the next year or so and he sees that and most of all, he begins to reap the benefits of YOUR commitment in the form of a happier spouse, he wont want that to change and he will become more supportive because there is something in it for him but it may take a couple years... are you willing to take the steps necessary to put your hand to the plow and not look back?

start slow and gradual, nothing radical or crazy... thats what dieters do.



3KATIE3
SparkPoints: (1,342)
Fitness Minutes: (613)
Posts: 61
1/2/13 5:05 P

It's got to be tough to have no support. Instead of going in opposite directions, quietly prepare healthy foods without making an issue of it. Make larger portions for your spouse and maybe add his favorite side dish. Just keep to your maintenance. Katie



NICOLE6110
SparkPoints: (2,114)
Fitness Minutes: (719)
Posts: 7
1/2/13 4:59 P

I know that it is hard when the support that you would like to get is not there, my husband is the same to a certain degree bringing home chocolate, pastries all the food that we would binge together, he also is kicking up a fuss over the introduction of vegies,just stick to your plan and stay strong, as many have said he is big enough to see to himself if he wants too. You are responsible for yourself and the decesions you make for your health the same goes for him.



PSCHIAVONE2
SparkPoints: (16,655)
Fitness Minutes: (10,024)
Posts: 500
1/2/13 4:34 P

I do not understand the "Starve" word. I have a hard time eating all the food that I need to eat every day. I do all the cooking in my house and I have never had a hard time with anyone. I cook one meal and everyone eats that meal. Tonight it will be baked chicken, broccoli, and amaranth. We do eat salad with every dinner also.



DMJAKES
Posts: 1,581
1/2/13 2:55 P

You've gotten some good advice, but I have to say there's no way I'd ever be cooking more than one meal. You will have to work (with or without his cooperation) toward compromises that serve both his tastes and your need for a healthier diet.

I have spent years trying new things and tweaking our favorite recipes. Take a look around sparkrecipes, or try lowering the calories in your favorite dinner entree by switching out a high calorie/fat ingredient for a better one. For example, I ALWAYS use low fat cream cheese and often reduce the amount of oils and cheese that are called for in recipes. Try new (and better) ways of serving veggies---steam them in water with just a little chicken boullion added--it brings out the flavor without adding a heap of calories. If he loves his broccoli with cheese, serve it on the side and take yours plain.

I would guess that he's getting "pissy" for one of two reasons...either he's afraid you're going to leave him behind, or he doesn't want to be told what to do/eat.

He'll come around---just give him the time and space to observe your struggles, successes, and achievements. Don't rub his nose in what he "should be doing". Just lead by doing and he will see the light eventually.



STILLHERE1111
SparkPoints: (5,744)
Fitness Minutes: (5,444)
Posts: 208
1/2/13 2:34 P

No one likes to be told what they should be doing. Lead the way and they will follow. I will make a meat, vegetable and a starch, but I don't eat the starch.

My husband works out almost every morning and finds it easier to restrict his diet than I do. Of course he isn't near food all day and he never had cravings.

For me I need to avoid carbs, but everyone is different.

Bottom line, do it for yourself.



MEGAPEEJ
Posts: 732
1/2/13 2:18 P

To reply to a previous poster, it's not just a "man thing", and it's not really fair to men to say that. It's a "change thing", and change can be scary for a lot of people (even when it's positive change that gets us healthy and keeps us alive longer).

In my relationship, I was the one that was resistant to getting healthy and making a change. My husband would go work out 3 times a week, getting more and more toned and fit, while I sat my fat butt on the couch eating cheese and crackers and drinking gin and tonics EVERY DAY. He was proud of his change and I was proud of him too, but still managed to work in some negativity - "you're getting so healthy, sucks that you have a fat wife", "I don't know how you do it - hey want to drink an entire bottle of wine for dinner with me?" I didn't even realize I was trying to sabotage him, I just subconsciously wanted to change but without actually wanting to change at all.

I'm really glad that he kept at it despite my attitude, and he eventually inspired me to take charge of my health and fitness.



SCHAPIN1
SparkPoints: (74,975)
Fitness Minutes: (48,951)
Posts: 2,046
1/2/13 1:41 P

It must be a man thing. My husband has high blood pressure and is quite a bit overweight. He whines and moans that he needs to lose weight, but puts forth no effort. He does eat what I cook and asks what I can eat before we go out to eat. He compliments me on my weight loss. But he too must have his treats in the house. I make sure to have healthy alternatives ready to eat. This is about me, not him after all. We can all do this with Sparkpeople and thank goodness for that.



TGRECO70
Posts: 13
1/2/13 1:19 P

thanks sweetie I also weight 178 trying to go down to 140 myself. I know I can do it.



QUEENREAP12409
SparkPoints: (3,440)
Fitness Minutes: (876)
Posts: 108
1/2/13 1:05 P

I can relate to this. My husband isn't so much unsupportive as he is completely indifferent. I just tell him I'm the one who cooks, and he is the one who eats. If he doesn't want what I am making then he needs to fend for himself. He is a grown man, after all.




FITGLAMGIRL
Posts: 2,035
1/2/13 12:49 P

Sorry this is happening to you. It's bad enough that we are trying to lose weight and then when we are not supported it's even harder. Go it alone, you MUST! I eat super lean now and my h doesn't always want to eat like that, so I give him the choice to either eat what I am having or what I have fixed for the kids. At least he has choices then. That might work for you!



BLUETIGERCLAWS1
SparkPoints: (6,198)
Fitness Minutes: (7,193)
Posts: 163
1/2/13 12:19 P

I would say maybe sit down and make a meal plan for the week. Theres no reason why if you make meatloaf you cant eat any of it. If you want to make something healthy for dinner and the rest of your family doesn't want it they can make their own dinner or starve. I always say "this is what im making, if you dont like it, tough. Make your own food." and most of the time they will suck it up and eat what ive made. Also, communication is key. If you dont feel that he is being supportive sit him down and tell him how you feel, remove all of the guessing.



KJFITNESSDUDE
Posts: 15,787
1/2/13 11:50 A

Re: unsupportive husband
Sorry to hear he's being unsupportive. If I were you I would not talk to him about your weightless goal. Make him dinner as usual or whatever you two normally do for eating arrangements and just eat a whole lot less. If he isn't making dinner himself then maybe use healthier ingredients like ground turkey rather than ground beef or whatever...

The weightless journey is a lone one, oh, it's nice to have someone else on board but ultimately it's a lonely trek. Sparkpeople is a great place to help fill the void of real life support, here we are a virtual community who totally understand where you're coming from and can provide support, advice and stories that we've all experienced and maybe, just maybe, we can help you reach your goal.



FIRE-SPINNER
SparkPoints: (19,106)
Fitness Minutes: (19,370)
Posts: 610
1/2/13 11:44 A

Everyone has made some great points, but I wonder, could another reason be that your husband might be nervous that you will look and feel better. That you might find someone else?
Whatever happens, don't give up!
emoticon



SARAHF1988
Posts: 603
1/2/13 11:31 A

The first thing I'd like to point out is that you shouldn't find that you're hungry if you're using spark people - rather than starving yourself and eating nothing but salad you should be learning more about balancing foods out and how to cook in a healthier way. There's loads of recipes online that you can look up. Secondly, there's no reason why you 2 should have to eat separate meals, you just need to watch your portion sizes and swap a few bad things on your plate for good things. For example, every so often my boyfriend and I like to have a pizza between us, he has chips and now I have mine with a salad. As long as I make sure I don't over indulge on anything else and have a healthy breakfast and lunch there's no reason why I can't eat like that.

Obviously he has issues that go further than these suggestions though. Have a talk with him about why you're doing this and focus on your health issues. My bf worried about me when I started because he thought I was just obsessed with how I look. He was right on a level, and I learned to accept that I can look nice no matter what my size and now my reasons are purely for my health and he is very supportive. He doesn't like me cutting things out completely and going without though, so I don't, I just have my treats in smaller portions with something healthy - like my pizza and salad. He accepts this as we can eat the same things together but I can still be happy with what I'm eating.

Good luck on spark people, it's a wonderful place with a lot of inspiring members, and good luck with your husband. I hope he doesn't take too long to come around.



FEDGIRL4
Posts: 1,887
1/2/13 11:13 A

My hubby did not start doing healthy things for himself until last year.

He had high cholesterol, triglycerides were off the chart, high sugar and A1C, high blood pressure, etc. He was about 100 pounds over weight, but tall so he carried it better. Three years ago he had two stents put in one artery.

He thoought the doctors were crazy. He saw that I was making MOSTLY good choices for myself. Then he stopped eating bad at night. He did this for several weeks and months. He liked the way he looked and felt. One and off he kept it up.

Remember, we all have our comfort zone. Some of us have accepted that our comfort zones were killing us and were willing to change. He may not like you have stepped out of that zone he enjoyed with you. Just be consistent with your changes, not mean, just consistent. As far as his food, if you think it would help make small changes with the meals just like you have to with kids.

Good Luck

Edited by: FEDGIRL4 at: 1/2/2013 (11:14)


MWOODS21
Posts: 505
1/2/13 10:50 A

Everyone who has replied has great advice for you, you should apply all of them. I just wanted to say that I will pray that he will come around and you keep doing YOU! Good Luck to you! emoticon



PURECOUNTRY29
Posts: 866
1/2/13 10:00 A

my husband used to be the same way, I started buying separate food for myself, food that i needed to be healthier and to help lose unwanted weight. I also told him I would be happy to make him whatever he wanted but I wasnt going to quit what i needed to make him happy. I have lost 14 lbs now and he can see such a difference in me that finally yesterday he said no more baking, no more junk in the house,he too now wants to lose weight and be healthy. Sometimes they need us to be the strong leaders so that they can see what can be done and eventually follow. Good Luck. bottom line Take care of you!!



MARITIMER3
SparkPoints: (110,486)
Fitness Minutes: (62,896)
Posts: 5,865
1/2/13 9:57 A

My husband is unsupportive too, in that he insists on having ice cream, crackers, chocolate, potatochips, salted nuts, etc. in the house. In some ways, though, he is supportive; for example he will eat whatever I put in front of him at mealtime, and he often compliments me on my cooking.

Whether your husband is supportive or not, you need to do this for yourself. Perhaps you can find lighter versions of some of his favourite recipes, or simply take smaller portions. There are many excellent recipes on SP, and perhaps you can find some new meals that your husband will enjoy.

It's a great program, and if you stick with it and work hard, it will work for you.





AGITATOR1
SparkPoints: (2,974)
Fitness Minutes: (0)
Posts: 460
1/2/13 9:45 A

I have been resisting the negative forces which leads to positive results. My nightmare began 18 years ago. Two different doctors suggested that I quit smoking and take up exercising. So I did. The day I signed up at a local gym my wife threw my blanket and pillow at me and told me I was sleeping on the couch. I'll never forget that nite when an ambulance pulled up next door. The 62 year old neighbor that I had asked a few weeks earlier if he would like to go to the gym with me. He told me he gets his exercising playing golf. He had a heart attack and died. Later in the day my wife put my exercising equipment out on the back porch. A few days later she put my clothes on the front porch and locked all the doors. The scene only got worse, much worse



CMCOLE
Posts: 2,667
1/2/13 9:27 A

a difficult road, to be sure.
Sorry for your distress.

Perhaps if you sat down together, when you're both ready to discuss things reasonably, you could come up with a menu plan that the whole family can live with and enjoy together?



HEALTHYKIM101
Posts: 2,542
1/2/13 8:52 A

Sometimes there are times where you have to put yourself first. This is one of those times. You need to take care of yourself and this will show him that you are committed to being healthy. He will eventually come around. Just do what you are doing and don't talk about it to death, just do it. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon



BLUBEL1
Posts: 1,003
1/2/13 7:56 A

Hi,
Sounds like he in the early stages og trying to adjust ( or not ;). ) to this new plan. Since you just started give him time to come around. Change is hard.



MLAN613
SparkPoints: (151,455)
Fitness Minutes: (152,310)
Posts: 9,961
1/2/13 7:50 A

Either he can eat what you make or get his own food. And I would also encourage you to do this for yourself, not your kids. Obviously, if you get your weight under control, it will help you live a longer, healthier life. Therefore, you will have more energy and be around longer for the kids. The kids will benefit from the new you but I encourage you to do this for you.



TRYINGTOLOSE64
Posts: 47,947
1/2/13 6:50 A

Don't punish yourself because he's unsupportive. He's jealous that you are starting your journey and he's scared that he'll lose you. He's not even stopping to think that if he doesn't support you that that's what could make him lose you.



HEALER1
Posts: 1,145
1/2/13 6:32 A

Do this for yourself. Sorry he is unsupportive but don't let his poutyness change your decision to make healthy choices.

Do not make 3 different dinners!! Eating healthy is for everyone! Check out the SparkPeople cookbook. It is terrific and has great recipes that the entire family will enjoy-- does not taste like "diet" food.

Good luck!



GOAL40TH
Posts: 653
1/2/13 12:38 A

I'm sorry your husband doesn't have your back, on your healthy weight loss, best of luck. Keep on track, finally putting yourself 1st.
sometimes it scare them, seeing changes for a better thinner you. Don't let anything break you. You go girl, best of luck you got us all here backing you, your not alone.



I_HEART_MY_FAM
Posts: 1,809
1/2/13 12:33 A

I can't deal with over grown babies. Make him starve until he gets his own food. I hate rotten attitudes!



JANIEWWJD
SparkPoints: (215,049)
Fitness Minutes: (193,120)
Posts: 6,754
1/1/13 11:35 P

He can fend for himself, unless he's handicapped.



GAYLEP67
Posts: 757
1/1/13 7:25 P

I'm sorry your husband seems to be unsupportive. A good heart to heart might not hurt if you're both willing to communicate. It's possible that his unsupportiveness is masking some fears that he isn't telling you about - concerns about his own health, concerns that you're making changes to what he considers a comfortable life with you...who knows?



GLITTERFAIRY77
Posts: 8,023
1/1/13 7:24 P

He doesn't have to starve. He can get off his butt and make himself a sandwhich if he doesn't want what you're cooking. YOU shouldn't be starving either, though. :) Just eat healthier and aim to stay within your calorie range.



IAMARMSTRONG
Posts: 526
1/1/13 7:01 P

Perpetual positivity from my side was the key to bringing the spouse around- the more I tried to convert him, the more he resisted. It was only when I made the adjustments for me without pointing them out that he then noticed I was serious, which was weird but whatever, and it seemed to get him on board.



MRSALLYP
SparkPoints: (20,572)
Fitness Minutes: (57,628)
Posts: 147
1/1/13 6:33 P

I had issues with mine for a long time and just put my foot down and ended up giving him the option - do you want to eat what I'm eating - if so great, if not make your own meal and I will save the other portion of what I cook for another night but then that means he will have to make his own 2 different nights - I have to say I spent months where he cooked for himself and my 2 young kids and I made my own - now it is a team effort where we compromise on what is being cooked - what he wants and what I want have at this point come to an equal ground - though if we have ravioli and steamed broccoli he will have a larger portion of ravioli than I do and I will have a larger portion of broccoli than he does.

You do what you need to for you and trust me it is all worth it in the end to see yourself healthier!!



TACDGB
Posts: 6,084
1/1/13 6:14 P

Sorry that he's not supportive. I've been down that road. I found that you have to do this for yourself and not worry about him. If he loves you he will come around. Maybe a chat with him might help. Tell him how you feel about your health and that you love him and worry about him.



TGRECO70
Posts: 13
1/1/13 6:05 P

I don't understand my husband, he has high blood pressure and now I just found out from my doctor that I have high cholestrol. I have been unhappy about my weight for a long time now. So I started sparkpeople yesterday, its been hard because I've still been hungry but I'm not doing this for just me I'm doing it for our kids. Well now he is getting all pissy because he says he has to strave too which is very untrue I was going to make him meatloaf tonight and he's like, "no I'm not eating that by myself" I'm cooking my daughter chicken kiev and don't care about making him something else. So now I'm not making dinner for me until he decides he wants to eat



 
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