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Too dependant?



 
 
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SELF_CENTERED
Posts: 110
9/15/11 5:59 P

The issue is called codependancy, basically you dont really feel right without your other half

I'm not implying that you're codependant in a real negative way, just saying(after going through the same thing your describing) that some of the "thoughts/feelings" you are talking about are found in many writings explaining codependancy.

You should be able to make friends by persuing hobbies and interests(not the hobby of drinking at a bar and chasing other women) but maybe open up looking at some clubs or more group type settings. I know it sounds weird but sometimes it isnt all that easy to make guy friends...

Believe me my GF can make 20 friends in 20 mins





MISHAKEL
SparkPoints: (1,804)
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Posts: 26
9/14/11 9:42 A

KJ I do agree with the whole facebook thing. I have plenty of guy friends on facebook. I love women, so there is no way that could make me gay haha. The whole friend thing is completely my own fault. Like you said NO_EQL, I have really spent all my time with my 3 sons and 1 daughter. Now my kids are getting older, they are spending more time with their friends.

My wife and I spend alot of time together and have a great marriage, but when she is hanging out with her friends I am bored as hell. I figured that I was not the only person like this or their would be a bunch of other 30-40 year old married guys looking to make some friends.

If my house did burn down I wouldn't know who to call. My wife would have to call someone lol. It might be time to take up golf or something?



KJFITNESSDUDE
Posts: 15,628
9/14/11 9:26 A

I know this guy & he is DEFINITELY a "Make me a sandwich, B*tch!" kinda guy. I heard him say last year at a party that men who have other men as friends are gay. The conversation was about friending people on FaceBook and he said he would NEVER friend a dude on FB because people might think he was gay.

How "gay" is THAT!?
LOL!





N0_EQL
Posts: 625
9/14/11 7:25 A

The answer is maybe. But it is not your spouses fault.

The issue is that when we were an agrarian culture men worked along side men. Sons with fathers often mulch-generational extended family farm operations. The industrial revolution changed all that.

The mens' faith movement has noticed this and tried to address it with such books as "Wild at Heart", Journey of Desire", "Courageous Faith" and others.

The question has been posed. If you came home and found your house burnt to the ground who would you call. Most men in our culture really don't have a ready answer. We have lost our connection to other men. This can bring added challenge when in a family as we do not interact with other men as sounding boards. As iron sharpens iron so do men sharpen each others development.

As was said earlier. Women seek this out, by nature they tend to be relational. As society has shifted the natural links of father to son have changed and require us as men to seek out such relationships with other men.

This could be in the form of civic or faith based organizations.



KJFITNESSDUDE
Posts: 15,628
9/13/11 11:55 A

For me it was "made to be that way". SHE had all the friends and I was kept on a short leash. I am on my way to getting a divorce and since then my friend count in real life has sky-rocketed.



BREWMASTERBILL
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Posts: 4,109
9/13/11 11:36 A

I'd say you're normal, at least in my eyes. I've noticed my circle of friends shrink over the years mostly because they've become a pain in the ass (or maybe I'm the pain in the ass) and putting forth the effort to make new friends isn't worth it. I usually prefer to do things by myself though.

I will admit that the last year or two has seen a spike in number of friends as my circle has expanded due to participation in a variety of sports and healthy activities. That was an unintended consequence.



MISHAKEL
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Posts: 26
9/13/11 11:14 A

It's not by force, I just don't make the effort I guess.



MATTDEL
Posts: 720
9/13/11 11:06 A

I'm in almost the same boat. I use to run all the time, hung out with a lot of people, and after getting married and having a daughter, I look around around and realize that I've lost contact with all my friends. Not sure when it happened.

I recently went to a class reunion and really felt out of place, so I think something has changed with me.

As far as being jealous, I don't have that feeling, my wife is in pretty much the same boat, she doesn't hang out with any of her old friends either. We got so caught up with work and family, that is all we have now. Neither one of us are that good at just walking up to someone and saying "hi, I'm Matt...Do you want to be my friend?" Actually, that would be a bit creepy.

Matt



BREWMASTERBILL
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9/13/11 9:21 A

My 2 cents. I say it depends. Are you less social by choice or by force? One is fine, the other is not.



HGSGUY
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Posts: 2,622
9/12/11 10:23 P

Yep! I don't see it as being too dependent, more like the other way around. I have few friends (other than SP and work) since being married and having kids. We just became empty nesters which I think is great but the wife doesn't seem so thrilled. As we adjust to this new phase of life, I can see things are changing. We are reconnecting as a couple rather than parents. I can also see in the future some "me" time for both of us. That will mean making friends and actually doing things apart from each other without kids! I think it is just the natural progression of things. I also moved around a lot for my work, so friends were made and lost rather routinely. I miss the deep friendships I had when i was younger, but see that coming back into play in the not too distant future.



WILKERSONR
Posts: 5,148
9/12/11 9:33 P

I don't know if is too dependent or just changes in your lifestyle. Priority's change at 18 all I wanted to do was work and make money. My friends wanted to party, I stayed single until was in my mid thirties. Most of the people that were my age that I worked with had kids and went home and did the family thing, most of the people that were my friends were divorced and totally depressing to be with. I met my wife who is a successful business women with lots of male and female friends. Most of which are lawyers, I am a construction project manager. Nothing in common with a lawyer. I would go to events with her and feel like they would never end. I was uncomfortable even being there. Over time I loosen up a bit, they most thought it was cool that I built hospitals and schools, talked to me about hunting and fishing. Are they my friends not really. My best friend is my wife and my companion is my dog.

I think women are better at maintaining friendships, most men have acquaintances through out our life as we change our priority's.

Find something you like and tell your wife you need some me time. When my wife and I got married I made it very clear when I want to hunt I was going to hunt, same with fishing. on the other hand she can do the same.

Edited by: WILKERSONR at: 9/12/2011 (21:36)


MISHAKEL
SparkPoints: (1,804)
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Posts: 26
9/12/11 8:54 P

Can you become too dependant on your spouse? That is the question I am asking myself these days. Back in the days, I use to have tons of friends and be very active socially. After 18 years of marriage and four kids, I find that I don't really have that anymore. I have "work friends" or neighbors that I talk to in passing, but have noticed that 100% of my being is focused on my wife and kids.

I am not saying that is a bad thing, but is it really healthy? My wife has kept her friendships and has developed more, while I have basically lost all of mine. When she is visiting with friends and having a good time, I am often the killjoy because I am jealous. Not that I am worried about her being unfaithful, but jealous that she has other people to hang out with instead of me. My guys night is hanging out with my three sons.

Anyway, it is playing hell on our relationship. It's not her fault I have lost contact with everyone. I have to fix this because no one wants the negative person around.

Anyone ever been through this?



 
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